WORLD CUP FEVER - June 16

Group A

	Scotland		Norway
	Brazil		Morocco

'O Flower of Scotland/ When will we see your like again? / That fought and died / Your wee bit hill and glen / And stood against him / Proud Edward's army / And sent him homeward / Tae think again.'

Indeed. It was four o'clock in the afternoon and I didn't feel like very much. I said to myself hey golden boy, where's your famous golden touch. I was more theoretically interested in listening to Capital Gold while trying to make out the action on a television I could see in an office in the building across the road. Couldn't see a damn thing, to be honest. Remember that tank top you gave me. You wrote 'you're gorgeous on it.' And so, I encountered a secret cabal of wannabe Jocks (two English with alleged Caledonian ancestry and one black guy, all of whom are refusing to support England which is fair enough, it's their choice, nationalism is the last refuse of scoundrels as Winston Churchill said, and what a long and ungainly parenthesis this is, it's about time it stopped) gathered on the second floor at work. And lo, they did weep and wail when Norway took the lead against all odds early in the second half. And flo, how we did cheer when the 'Bravehearts' (TM) equalised.

Brazil looked like they were going to turn it on again, but they took it easy after the third goal. Morocco did their best to knock them off their stride, and one of them did his best to detach Ronaldo's tackle. He set a precedent by showing his scar off to all and sundry, just like Di Biagio will do in tomorrow's game (just a hunch, you wait and see). Scotland are in danger of qualifying for the second round. Exclamation mark. Tonight baby, I want to get freaky with you.

Results:

Scotland (0) 1	Norway (0) 1
Burley 67	Havard Flo 46

Brazil (2) 3	Morocco (0) 0
Ronaldo 9 Rivaldo 45 Bebeto 50

Shots off target:

Can I introduce you please, to a lump of cheddar cheese?

J Pearce rhyming slang: If a player has a Lionel, or a Regi, he's had a 'mare or a stinker (Lionel Blair and Regi Blinker). Not as funny in print, is it.

More World Cup TV ads I haven't mentioned: Alan Shearer running around piling up leaves in his humble Geordie backyard and drinking Lucozade to replace his sweat with liquid energy...

Romario (whoops) trading his Brazil kit for a Big Mac and running on the pitch naked...

An over enthusiastic Andy Gray bores the England squad with his array of camera angles and technical tricks. They'd rather eat a Snickers bar, I think that's the message...

Del Piero and Kluivert involved in some futuristic scene in aid of flogging football boots. Music alleged to be Massive Attack but I wouldn't count on it. Stylish but dull. These ads are worrying, they raise unrealistic expectations about the nature of the game and elevate players to the status of superhumans. Kids must imagine games are a cross between Gladiators and a computer game. In which case, it'll do they good to have their illusions shattered when they next sit through 90 minutes of a goalless draw...

The prospect of sitting through yet another dull interview with an England player is enlivened by spotting the song title their teammates have challenged them to get into the conversation. Gareth Southgate came out with Club Tropicana and Careless Whispers. Referring to Scotland's chances, Alan Shearer used the phrase 'against all odds' (a reassuringly naff Phil Collins reference). Tony Adams slipped in a Ghost Town, and is said to be the champion so far. Maybe now they've been rumbled, they'll stop.

Yellow card: David Mellor. For attempting to blame Baddiel and Skinner for creating 'laddism' and therefore hooliganism. Er, no. You're wrong and you're a grotesquely ugly freak.

Lookylikies: Jim Leighton = Mark E Smith.
Jose Luis Chilavert = Henry Rollins.

(Not necessarily the World Cup but I've got a lot of them) Football Quote of the Day:
'If you don't want to know the results, close your ears.'
ITV's London Tonight
You'll laugh, one of these days.