Our first e-mail is from someone who decided not to provide their name. Nonetheless, I felt their e-mail was heart-felt and genuine enough to be listed among the hall of fame.

SUBJECT: WTF TYPE OF SITE IS THIS?!

Man, you really must be screwed in the head to make a site like this. What is it evne about? someanime shit, no doubt. Next time you try to make a site, you should have theme in mind and enough brains to actually MAKE site. Moron. It's jerk-offs liek you that aRE ruing this world. Why don't you go prok off to the whoel you came from instead of palgueing the internet with your mindless dribble?!

Now, that sure got my blood pumping. I mean, how often do you get e-mails that truly make you feel that the author has changed your life in some way. I just hope I can meet "no-name" someday so I can thank him for his wonderful maniac e-mail.

Our next e-mail is somewhat more to the point and definitely more important than most e-mails I'm sure you've read. It has to be, just look at those mad caps.

SUBJECT: YOU PLAYA HATEA

Hello Clark, if that is even your real name. I hate you. You know why? Because you're one of those newbies who try to get into the internet world by starting a website. I've got news for you pal, IT'S CALLED GEOSHITTIES FOR A REASON NUMBNUTS! Yes. Another thing - try actually doing your own sprites instead of stealing someone elses. I've seen that sprite before - copyrighted even - by someone else who I am 100% sure that the sprites you have on your site are theirs.

What kind of site is this anyway? If it's a DDR site at all, PUT SOME DDR CONTENT IN. All I see is some times new roman font spluttering out rubbish about you and your happenings. Well I should say this before it gets any worse - NO ONE CARES. THAT'S RIGHT. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR SITE. CLOSE IT DOWN BEFORE YOU GIVE SOMEONE A HEART ATTACK WITH IT'S UGLINESS, AND A SEIZURE WHEN THEY READ WHAT NONSENSE YOUR SITE HAS.

Guess what else? YOU'RE A GODDAMN LOSER. WHO THE HELL SPENDS ALL THEIR TIME AT THE ARCADE? AT LEAST I SPEND MY TIME DOING SOMETHING USEFUL - LIKE THIS HATE MAIL. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE A SITE, AND THIS IS GOING TO HELP YOU REALISE THAT. YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO REALISE SOMETHING THAT SIMPLE OF COURSE.

Yours Truly,
Zero-Dai

Thank you for that excellent e-mail, Zero-Dai. Since your e-mail was straightforward and to-the-point, I will attempt to answer your questions in a prompt manner.

Q: You know why?
A: Of course, you need to work on your fancy feetwork.

Q: What kind of site is this anyway?
A: The internet kind.

Q: Guess what else?
A: Yes.

Q: WHO THE HELL SPENDS ALL THEIR TIME AT THE ARCADE?
A: Me, although that is clearly explained in my posts.

Thank you for that wonderful e-mail, Zero-Dai, I hope I was able to answer all your questions.

The next e-mail is appropriately titled "I love your site". Such a nice and warm subject!

SUBJECT: I loved your site.

No. I'm such a liar. It's pathetic-- something that should not be allowed. It takes up place for nothing, it's online junk, crap, shit that noone gives a fuck about. I mean, damn, get a life instead of stealing shit around and puttin' it up on your site that noone really check. Someone gave me the link 'cause he found it too pathetic-- I didn't even fuckin' bother reading it all because of it's lack of.. interesting shit. I really love DDR, but your site is an insult to it. It really pisses me off to see that airheads like you actually think that people will waste their time on such a piece of shit because its author expected it to be interesting! Man! Get a life! Play DDR, I don't give a fuck, but leave others alone and stop thinking that you're interesting.

-Truly yours,
Tyfahhh

Upon reading this e-mail, I found Tyfahhh's points to be extremely valid and wise. I will follow his wishes and continue to bring the fans new and innovative tales about me and DDR. Thank you for the excellent e-mail, Tyfahhh!

Our next one comes from an avid DDR fan in Texas, or was that taxes? You know, I'm not really sure.

Dear (Dis)Honorable Senator Clark,

I am the Almighty ambassador of PEACHES from the Nether Lands. Just to let you know, your unoriginally American website is far, far worse than something BOB_ALLEN could design. Also, DO you pay your texas, mortal? From the looks of your website, it does not seem like you pay your texas.

Therefore, I am here to punish you for your insane stupidity.

Remember: PEACHES ARE AN IMPORTANT CRAP IN AMERICA, SO YOU HAD BETTER PAY YOUR TEXAS! OR ELSE BUSH3 IS GOING TO BECOME A CANADIAN CANNIBAL!

YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO BECOME A CANNIBAL HUH?

SO, SHUT DOWN YOUR PATHETIC WEBSITE AND PAY YOUR FREAKIN' TEXAS!

No, I am NOT a maniac.
I am the Ambassador from the Nether Lands, did you realize that?
Gasp. You are reading this.

By the way. you are a DISRUPTIVE INTEGER. GO BACK TO L0SER LAND AND DO YOUR HOMEWERKEN.

Sincerely, Spiffy Nerd, Ph.D.

P.S. I am far more l33t than you, punk. Not to mention that I hax0red j00r lousy refrigerator.

Wow, it's truly a rare occasion when you recieve a letter from an ambassador. Not only is he an ambassador, but he's got the life I've always dreamed of!

1. He lives in Texas.

2. He knows the peaches boy.

3. He's a definite master of the hax0r skills and/or language.

4. He knows Peter Pan.

Thank you for the e-mail, Spiffy Nerd; you can't begin to understand my envy.

P.S. Next time you head to Neverland, stop by for some tea and scrumpets.

I guess the good ol' Ambassador is pretty touchy when it comes to what he writes!

SUBJECT: YOU PUBLASHED MY EMAIL WITHOUT MY CONESENT

My attentionIt has come to my attention that you have publashed my email on your site without myconesent. I don not like it when people validate my personal privasey and violate it by publashing ym own works on their own sites.It is illegally violating copywrite law and I can sue you by taking legel stands against you and youre site. If you don't want legel stands you will have to participate with me by taking removing my entirety of my email from youre site. If you don't the legel stands await. A simple choice. You have 68 hour to participate with me or I will sue you for violationg of internet privasy and securitry act no 4867. I suggest you go read about it on the official internet law book. I will see yoou in legel court if this message appears on your site.

P:S: Please don't publash this email on your site, or I will take more legel stands against you. Thank you.

I understand your privacy concern, Mr. Ambassador, and I promise I will not post your e-mails on my site.

Our next e-mail is rather... dare I say it? I dare, I dare. It is quite incredible to say the least. Not only does dersproedel like DDR, he also lives in DDR land!

SUBJECT: you fuckin fishhead

What you f00 think to be?! You make a site bout DDR!! Do you even have a clou, what DDR is all about?! NO!!! COS YOU AREN`T EVEN FROM THE DDR!!! Well, I am. And I know how it is to live there, you fuckhead!!! I know, this site isn´t really bout the Deutsche Demokratische Republik, but I don´t care, cos you let the good old DDR look like a bunch of fucking noisy fucking mangasprites, you fucking dighead!!! Can´t you write it out?!?! Now everybody thinks of the Deutsche Demokratische Republik, and not of stupid animeshit!! Go, get a job! Your site is ridiculouss! It fills my eyes with tears, when I see those fucking shit!! You remind me on fucking bullshit! You smell, go, wash yourself!

Yours truly dersproedel

p.s.: Think of the good ol´ Deutsche Demokratische Republik!!!

I can see it now... the magical land of DDR where dancing never ceases, where candlesticks await to be lept over at every turn, where everyone cries buckets of tears, where everyone is a legend, and where everyone eats their breakfasts regularly. Can such a place truly exist? Dare I say it? Yes, I dare... it does exist, and one day we shall all drop our woes and take one last pilgrimage to the magical world of DDR, where we will all be welcomed by the dancing fairies of yesteryear, celebrating the upcoming dawn of the eld.

Our next e-mail is awesome, and by awesome, I mean totally sweet.

SUBJECT: OMG HI DDR CLARKMAN! =)

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =))))))))

UR SIT HAS TEXTS AND LNKS. IT SI ASLO ABUT DDR. OMG I TINK U HAVE SUMTHNG TODO WIT DDR. U EVER HERD OF DDR? =)

OMG I NO Y I CAL UR E-MAIL ADRESS NOW I LOKING VRYWHER FOR SAFTOWAR CALED "SUPR SPLEL CHAKKER 2030" BUT I CATN FIDN IT. I PRETY SUR TATS WAT IS CALELD. I NOT NO Y I CATN FIDN IT THO. =(

PLZ HEPL ME CLAKR! THX =)

ASLO SORY FOR CASP. =(

THX =)

~ DERBY

I'm glad you asked about the Super Spell Check 2030. Here is the link to the Super Spell Checker. Unfortunately, right now the 2002 version is released, but fear not! The 2030 version will be released in less than 28 years, so the anxiety is building!

The next e-mail is somewhat strange... for lack of a better word. However, it is pretty maniac, so I figured I'd post it up!

SUBJECT: I am joe and i'm am interested in wondering if you sir would like to buy some of my warez as they are GREAT opportunites for you to increase your wealth fame AND power all at the same time by doing this you gain outrageous amounts of power and opportun

~ hello I am joe and I was wondering if you sire would like to buy some of my items

! I have to sell to you would you like to buy some of my warez I have to sell to you?

@ I think you would like to buy some of my warez I have to sell to yuo and this is why

# I have contacted you about this wonderful opportuny to buy my warez you have

$ but 48 hours before a better offer will be made from a better person so I am praying

% to your gods that I can supply you with enough warez in time for me to make

^ money thank you for your time sir and I hope to have enlightened you at least

& partially on the wonders of buying my warez please review the warez list carefully

* because you will find it contains MANY fair deals which you shall enjoy if you put

( your mind to it in you upcoming follow up inquirery email you will be required to

) provide the automatic teller machine with your serial key number and your address _ and ICQ number (for educational purposes so we can enlighten you on the + wondrous opportunities of my company) thank you for shopping with Yiro Accounti

Apparently this individual has written me offering some kind of deal. Joe apparently didn't send me enough information as I am completely oblivious to what he was attemptin to sell. However, after studying the e-mail in my DDR lab, I have deduced that he is an avid fan of DDR (in fact, as avid as they come) and for me, that's all that needs to make sense.

dersproedel must have read my wonderful dreams about DDR land, as he sent me a timely reply!

SUBJECT: You smell, idiot!

Arrrgh!!! You did it again! You made fun about the DDR?!?! The unholy holy land!!! MY NIRVANA!!! YOU DARE TO MAKE FUN ABOUT THE DDR?! Didn´t you even know the GERMAN DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIK, YOU DUMBHEAD?!?! Go to school and learn somthin!!! Your knowledge is just ridiculous!! And instead of making this fuckin stupid "site" you should fuck yourself!!! Man, you didn´t even insult the GERMAN DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIK, no, you also insulted me!!! YOU SMELL!!! YOU SMELL!!! YOU SMELL!!! Go and fuck a cow, before you explode cos of your dumbness! Even I moved away from the GERMAN DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIK I feel for her, you fuckin intestine of a pig!!!

Truly yours

dersproedel (again...)

... a place where magical bunnies hop to the beat of the ever snow, and where everyone claims his or her new record. Where the dancing is like sunshine on a cloudy day, where everyone is a legend and everyone walks to the rythmic beat: step, step, one, two, step...

The next maniac e-mail is chalk full of questions that need answering by the DDR maniac himself. So I thought I'd help good old Bob Allen out.

SUBJECT: WHAT KIND OF SITE IS THIS?!?!

HELLO, THIS IS YOUR RESIDENTIAL IDIOT BOB ALLEN SPEAKING! I WROTE YOU TO INFORM YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH THIS SITE SUCKS. YES, IT SUCKS. WHAT IS THIS STRANGE 'DDR' CONTRAPTION YOU WORSHIP EVERYDAY? WHATEVER IT IS, I'M SURE IT SUCKS BECAUSE IF SOMEONE BUILT A WEBSITE THAT SUCKS DEDICATED TO IT THEN DDR SUCKS. I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR CREATING THIS WEBSITE THAT SUCKS, EITHER. DDR LOOKS LIKE IT SUCKS AS WELL. WHERE'S THE MARMALADE? WHERE'S THE TOENAILS? IT AIN'T GOT NONE OF THAT, SO I'M OUT!

FURTHERMORE, YOUR TOENAILS REALLY NEED TO BE TRIMMED BECAUSE, Y'KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE, REALLY REALLY LONG. THEY DON'T CALL ME THE RESIDENTIAL IDIOT FOR NOTHING!

SINCERELY,
THE RESIDENTIAL IDIOT YOU LOVE TO HATE,
BOB ALLEN

I have provided some answers to your most important and urgent DDR questions:

Q: WHAT KIND OF SITE IS THIS?!?!
A: Believe it or not, I get this question a lot. Just to clear things up, this site is the internet kind.

Q: WHAT IS THIS STRANGE 'DDR' CONTRAPTION YOU WORSHIP EVERYDAY?
A: DDR stands for Dance Dance Revolution - the best game ever.

Q: WHERE'S THE MARMALADE?
A: Yea, sorry about that one, I ate it all.

Q: WHERE'S THE TOENAILS?
A: Truthfully, there are no toenails here for a reason. Try playing DDR with long toenails, and you'll know what I mean.