Jokes.
Any Last Requests?
An inmate on deathrow was scheduled to be put to death by a fireing squad the following morning.Through out the day the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he did want anything special.When they asked him if there was anything special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally, when he was put before a firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blind fold.
"No," said the inmate, "just get it over with."
"Well is there anything I can do for you before you go?"said the gaurd, "You didn't even want a last meal!"
The Inmate thought, "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, without any inturruptions."
The gaurd nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall......"
Bubba's Three Daughters
Bubba had three daughters.
One saturday evening, the doorbell rang. Bubba answered the door when he was greeted by a young man with a bad case of acne.
The boy smiled and said "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo. Were going to see a show. Can she go?"
Bubba nodded his head and told his daughter to have a nice time.
A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon the door, Bubba was greeted by another pimply faced boy who smiled and said "Hi, my name is Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. Were going out for Spagetti. Is She ready?"
Bubba nodded his head, and kissed his daughter good night.
No sooner did Bubba sit down that the door bell rang again. Bubba opened that door and was greeted by a clear face boy who said "Hi, my name is Chuck" With that, Bubba shot him.
Matt
I had this friend named Matt who had a lot of trouble with subtraction. The teacher said to him "Ok, Matt. If there are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of them, how many are left?"
"Well none, 'cause the shot would have scared the other birds away."
"Actually, the answer is 2 but I like the way you think!"
Matt smiled, "Now I have one for you! 3 women are sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One is bitting the popsicle, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?"
The teacher smiled and said, "The one sucking the popsicle."
"Actually," said Matt, "its the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!"
A Complicated Breakfast Order
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and chearful smile.
"Good morning sir. What a wonderful morning. I'd like two eggs, one of them so under cooked its runny, and one so over cooked its tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that its impossible to spread; a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."
"Thats a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter, "it might be quiet difficult."
The guest replied, "Oh, I dont understand--Thats what I got yesterday!"
Car Accident
A priest,a minister, and a rabbi were taking a car ride to a confrence on world religions. On the highway they got in an accident.
First, the priest steps out, making the signs of a cross and says "Oh god, thank you for letting us survive."
Then the minister crosses himself and says "Thank you dear Lord for protecting us."
Finally the rabbi steps out and like wise makes the sign of a cross. The priest and minister look at each other.
Baffled, the minister says "I thought you didn't believe in that." To which the rabbi replies "Ach no, I was just checking to make sure I had everything, specticles, testicles, wallet, and watch!"