JOKE 1
The Automated Doctor (Rated R)

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess 
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can 
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply
put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10.00. 

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. 

The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read: 

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid
heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool 
sample from his dog, and urine samples 
from his wife and daughter. To top it 
off, he masturbated into the concoction. 
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00. 

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and
printed out the following analysis: 

Your tap water is too hard. 
Get a water softener. 

Your dog has ringworm. 
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 

Your daughter is using cocaine. 
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. 

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. 
They aren't yours. 
Get a lawyer. 

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
better. 

JOKE 2
Pussy Versus Beer (Rated X)

Submitted By: JuJuBean


A beer is always wet. 
A pussy needs encouragement. 
Advantage: Beer. 

A beer tastes horrible served hot. 
A pussy tastes better served hot. 
Advantage: Pussy. 

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice
cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton. 
Advantage: Beer. 

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. 
Pussy does not. 
Advantage: Draw. 

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not
disgusted. 
Advantage: Pussy 

24 beers come in a box. 
A pussy is a box you can come in. 
Advantage: Pussy. 

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a
beer. 
Advantage: Pussy. 

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. 
Advantage: Beer. 

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. 
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely
get mad. 
Advantage: Beer. 

6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you
need. 
Advantage: Pussy 

Buy too much beer and you will get fat. 
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor. 
Advantage: Draw 

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a
football game. 
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a
football game. 
Advantage: Pussy 

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer. 
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a
high five. 
Advantage: Pussy 

With beer, bigger is better. 
Advantage: Beer. 

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable. 
Advantage: Beer. 

Beer can make you see the porcelain God. 
Pussy can make you see God. 
Advantage: Pussy 

If you think all day about your next beer, you are 
an alcoholic. 
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you
are normal. 
Advantage: Pussy 

Peeling labels off of beers is fun. 
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. 
Advantage: Pussy. 

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. 
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual
harassment. 
Advantage: Draw 

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. 
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the
dog you are. 
Advantage: Beer. 

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly
have you back. 
Advantage: beer. 

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it. 
Advantage: Pussy. 

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it. 
Advantage: Beer. 

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy:
Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran 
Advantage: Draw 

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. 
Good pussy: Almost all but the above. 
Advantage: Pussy. 

The government taxes beer. 
Advantage: Pussy. 

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. 
Advantage: Pussy.