Title:
I Never Noticed
Author: Nicky
Date:
August 14, 1999
Rated: G
Spoilers:
Third season finale
Disclaimer:
These characters aren’t mine. I
know that. You know that. So let’s just read the story now, shall we?
I Never Noticed
By Nicky
I notice that he's there again. Sitting by her bed and staring at her. Doing the same thing he's been doing every night since she was
brought here from the hospital. He
usually stays for a few hours. Part of
the time he's laughing, but he mostly cries. It's like he's reliving their
whole life together. All the joy and
all of the pain.
He holds her hand like it's a delicate flower, carefully
stoking her fingers. I notice that he
takes special care to kiss each of her fingertips lightly when he first gets
there, and again before he leaves. He
never says anything out loud, and she's still unconscious. But they seem to be speaking to each other
anyway. In some special unspoken
language only they can understand.
He finally rises from her bedside, and after giving her one
last kiss on her lips, walks towards the door.
He opens it slowly, but it still creaks. I notice the creak every night, and so does he. He pauses for a moment to see if anyone
heard before proceeding down the hall.
I think he always senses that I'm here, but can never see me.
I wait until I know he's gone before slipping through the
same door and into her room. I take the
same place by her bedside that he just vacated. And I too just stare at her.
I notice that she looks a little sad, if that's even possible for a
comatose person. She misses him, I
guess.
I reach down and take her hand. I notice that it really does look like a little delicate
flower. Not what I'd expect from
someone who acts so tough like she does.
It feels a little strange. Not
because it's kind of cold and lifeless, but because I've never done this
before. I've never held her hand
before. I don't think I've ever been
this close to her before. She would
probably strangle me if she knew what I was doing. I smile a little at that thought. And for a second there, I could have sworn she smiled too. But I look again at her face and I notice
that it hasn't changed.
There was something, though. Something I never noticed before. It didn't look like she was smiling, but then again, it did. Not on the outside, but on the inside. It's nothing I could see. Only feel.
I never noticed I could feel like that before. Well, maybe I did, years and years
before. But back then, I never
understood what was happening, so I just shut down. I shut down so I wouldn't feel anything. But now, sitting here with her tonight, I
understand what it was that I felt all those years before. And now, I want to feel it. To feel what she feels.
I never noticed how sad she is. All the time, she's so sad.
But I can feel it now. I can
feel the sadness. And I can feel the
tears that she refuses to let out. They
almost drown my heart. She has so much
to be sad for.
And I never noticed how angry she is. Angry at herself for loving him. For loving the man that she has to catch and
bring back to this place. And at the
same time, angry at herself for chasing him and trying to take away his freedom.
But mixed up with that anger is so much love. More love than I ever thought was possible
in a person's heart. Especially her
heart. She loves him. Her childhood friend. Her current enemy. Her Jarod. And she knows
he loves her too. She hasn't always
known it, but she's always felt it. His
love is what fuels her anger, but at the same time calms her spirit. I've known he's loved her since the first
moment I saw them together. And I can
see it when he's in here with her every night.
But now, I can feel it too. Just
as she does.
It surprises me how much she loves. Because I never see it. Nobody ever sees it. Except for someone who doesn't deserve
it. The man who's tormented her all her
life. Yet, a man whom she tries to
please at every turn. But I notice that
he does love her. Not the way most
fathers love their daughters, but he loves her as much as he can. She reminds him too much of someone
else. Someone he loved too much
before. She knows she reminds him of
her, so she tries to be more like him.
It doesn't work, though. I can
see why now. She has too much love in
her heart.
Even some for me.
Now that's something I never noticed.
But I can feel it. Right here
and right now. It brings a tear to my
eye. How can she love me? Why does she love me? She doesn't know the answer to that either. It's just something in her heart. I never noticed, but it's in my heart,
too.
I've never felt this way about someone. Not in a long, long time. My mind goes back to that time.
Back to a time before I could remember.
Back to a time before we were who we are now.
Back to a time when I was closer to her than I could ever
be to another person.
Back to a time when we were two halves of the same
whole. Clinging to each other and
growing together for nine short months.
Only to be ripped apart by the Centre.
And made into the empty, heartless people that we are today. The
infamous Ice Queen and the notorious Mr. Lyle.
I take one last look at her and get a little sad. Not because I have to leave her, but because
I know that I'll never be able to feel again the way that I'm feeling right
now. I can't afford to let myself. Not when I'm out there. The Centre is a battleground and only the strong
survive. Allowing myself to feel that
way will only introduce a new weakness for them to exploit. And that could get us both killed. I never noticed, but that's how it has to
be. I have to hate her. In order to
protect her. Because I love her.
"Good night, Sis."
The End.