Make Me Feel Better
Summary: A visit from a secret boyfriend helps Carmen feel much better.
“Well, tonight’s just like any other night," I said to myself. I took a glance at myself in the vanity mirror. A good long look. My hair was perfect. My makeup was perfect. It’s all perfect, but I wish I could see him tonight, I thought.
Those damn producers! They’d told me I couldn’t see my boyfriend anymore.
‘If you keep seeing him, the fans will get jealous and they’ll stop watching the show and we’ll lose ratings and all of us combined will lose money. So, you have to stop seeing him',One of them had said.
Fuck you! I thought. I’ll see who I want! If I want to continue seeing him, I will!
“That’s what would’ve made tonight even better. If I could kiss him before I go out onstage. I don’t know how many harsh comments I can take tonight if he can’t tell me before I perform that everything will be okay,?I said to myself.
I ran a hand through my blond wavy hair. Fucking fake hair! I didn’t want to wear this! These producers are trying to make me into a Britney Spears wannabe and I don’t want that!
I was near tears. If my makeup ran, I would go onstage
anyway. Who cares what America thinks? I got this far, so they must like me
if they thought I couldn’t sing.
I looked at my outfit my mom had picked out. A pair of blue jeans and a blue tank top that said ‘Loves To Dance?on it.
“But, Mom, can’t I wear something else? I’m eighteen years old, for crying out loud!I protested.
“No. Until you move out and graduate from high school, you can wear anything you want. But you are a strict Mormon and you’re living in my house, you’re going to wear what I approve first. Understand?"
I had to dump the slinky halter and the tight jeans and the thigh-high boots back and wear the dopey outfit my mother had chosen for me.
“Doesn’t she look great? Baby, turn around for me and let me see your pretty outfit.
I gritted my teeth and turned around, primping around for my mother.
I hate this fucking outfit, I thought. If I move out, the first thing I’m gonna do is burn this outfit and come back and get the outfit I wanted in the first place.
The soothing voice of LeAnn Rimes brought me back to Earth. I’d turned on the radio to make me feel better and her song ‘How Do I Live?' was on.
I began to dance happily around the room, free as a bird. I used to do stuff like that when I was little and I still do it today. I just get up and dance. But now that I’d started in this business, I never had time to do any of that.
“What the hell are you doing?"A strict voice demanded.
I snapped out of my dancing trance and quickly turned off the music.
“Just dancing,?I told the producer timidly. I’m dancing. What the fuck does it look like?
“You’re gonna sweat and ruin your outfit and you’ll muss up your hair and make your makeup run,he said.
Fuck the makeup, hair, and clothes. I want to sweat. I want to get my hair messed up. I want to be free!
“Get ready, okay? You’re up in about ten minutes. I don’t have time to waste with little girls who wanna have fun.
I’d rather have fun than be a stuffy producer, dickhead, I thought.
I almost threw one of my high-heeled shoes at him. I regained myself and sat down glumly.
I need my boyfriend right now. I need him so badly, I thought.
Just when I thought I would scream, I heard a knock at the door. It was a light knock.
He’s here. My knight in shining armor is here!I know his knock like the back of my own hand, I thought happily.
“Come in, Baby, I said.
He came in, his presence lighting up my day. His brownish-red hair, his green eyes, warm smile, simple clothes…I just wanted to take him alive.
He locked the door. “I put a ‘Do Not Disturb?sign on the door, if you don’t mind, he replied.
I shook my head. “No, I don’t mind. In fact, I’m glad you did. I’ve been miserable."
“Aw, you have? Well, maybe I can make it better.
We kissed passionately. “Mmmm…I feel so..." I mumbled, searching for the right word.
“Much better?" he asked.
“No. Horny is more like it.
He laughed. “You haven’t seen anything yet.
I giggled. “Just don’t go too far. I’m not that willing to lose my virginity.
We laughed. “Okay, well…I wasn’t thinking of that. I’ll just settle for kissing and hugging.
“I have something else in mind," I replied.
“Huh? Wha_
I brought his hands straight down my pants and made him unzip them.
“You have a dirty mind, my dear," he said.
“I might, but I know you want to do this.
“You have no idea."
“So go ahead."
“But."
I kissed him, with all my heart, soul, passions, frustrations, dreams, and clear lust into him. I quickly rubbed his hand against me, in a frenzy, letting all my anger and frustration go in the air. It was quickly replaced by a squeal of delight.
He looked at me in utter shock. But he didn’t say a word. I was in my own little world, only focused on receiving and giving pleasure. I unbuttoned my shirt and took it off, exposing my bra.
“Come on, feel me up, I demanded. I wanted to feel his anger and frustration rub on me.
I didn’t want him to take off my bra, and he didn’t want to. Instead, he put his hands inside the cups and felt my breasts.
“Harder. Touch them harder," I demanded angrily. He was being too gentle.
He pinched my nipples. “Harder! Pinch them harder!?I replied, almost crying.
He pinched them harder and harder and harder until they turned red. I could see the anger in his eyes and I wanted to release that. I unbuttoned his own shirt and took it off. Get frustrated! Get angry! Do something! I thought.
I lowered my head and began to suck on one of his nipples.
“Oh, God! Don’t stop!" he hissed in pleasure. I grinned and stopped.
He stopped touching my breasts. “You stopped," he replied. His eyes had disappointment and anger in them.
“You aren’t giving me what I want," I pouted.
“What do you want?" he asked.
“I want you to take your frustration and anger out on me but also give me pleasure at the same time.
“Whoa, Carmen. I don’t know."
“It’s okay. I don’t have a whip and I’m not going to dominate you or anything like that. We don’t have to hurt each other too much. And admit it, aren’t you a little pissed that I stopped sucking those pretty little nipples of yours?"
He blushed. “I never thought of you this way, he said, shaking his head.
“Let me guess. You thought I was a cute, bubble-gum, girl-next-door, goody-goody, type of girl?" I asked.
“Well…um, I guess so.
I laughed. “That’s a stereotype. I mean, I’m not a slut or anything like that, but I’m so sick and tired of the stereotype."
“Why are you doing this?"
“So I can prove at least one person wrong. I’m not gonna be the next Britney Spears. People who think so can just shove it up their asses.
His eyes widened. “And aren’t you sick of people asking you if you’re gay or not??I asked.
I could see his eyes flashing a little. “Yes, I am."
“Well, you should do something about it."/p>
“Like what?"
“Well, first off…kiss me."
And we did so. I shoved my tongue all the way down his throat, nearly making us gag. He pinned me against the wall, licking, sucking, and kissing my neck. I wailed in delight. Suddenly, he stopped.
“What? I_"
“Hey, you stopped, so I stopped."
I grinned and finished where I left off, licking his red nipples all around.
His breathing shortened.
We continued making out for what seemed like hours. He had a crazed look in his eyes. I wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with me, but I would find out. He put his hands back inside the cups of my bra and felt my breasts. I rested my hands on top of his and moved them to my nipples. I could tell he was a little frustrated about something. He moved my hands away.
“Just let me do this on my own," he replied. I shrugged and let him continue.
Some of the anger had left his body. He rubbed at my breasts in a frenzy, faster and faster until they became sore.
“Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. Are you okay?"
“Course I’m okay. I’m sorry I was too demanding with you, but_"
“That’s okay. I know why you did it."
“Why?"
“I understand you’re angry and hurt and frustrated with this heavy work load, so you want to take your feelings out on someone else. I work with kids with this same problem."
I smiled. “I’m glad you understand, ‘cause it feels like no else does. I’m sorry. That’s normally not like me, but_"
“Hey, believe me, I felt some kind of anger, too. I was imagining your breasts were a pillow. When my father died, I imagined I was beating on something, because I was so angry."
“I understand. I feel so angry at just the world. Especially my mother, the producers, and myself. I can’t stand up to them. I felt myself begin to cry.
“Yes, you can. You shouldn’t be mad at yourself. That’s like, having no self-esteem. If you don’t have it, then how can you respect yourself? You gotta stand up to yourself. And if others don’t like it, then you can tell them to fuck off. Love yourself, okay? Just love yourself."
I smiled sheepishly. “I still love my mother, but sometimes she can be so overbearing sometimes."
“I know you love your mom. I know you’re hurting, but if you just put yourself in God’s hands, then you can do no wrong. That’s from one Christian to another. I’m a Baptist and you’re a Mormon, but I still love you. I don’t care if you’re from the Planet Zerk and I’m from Mars, I’m still in love with you."
“I love you," I replied, a tear falling down my cheek. “I don’t feel so angry anymore."
“I’m glad, because we have about two minutes to get out of here."
I sighed. “Well…I’ll see you onstage," I said.
He kissed me. “Love you."
“Love you, too."
As he began to close the door, he stopped. “Hey, Carmen?"
“Yeah, Clay?" I asked.
“Come here," he said.
And then, he pulled me into the most passionate kiss I’d ever felt. He cupped my face and I wrapped my arms around his waist.
Maybe anger and love do come hand in hand, I thought happily as I continued kissing my secret boyfriend. HOME