Nothing Personal
by Steven Michelson
Copyright ã 1998 by Steven Michelson. All Rights Reserved.
Act 1
Scene One
Tuesday, 5:00 P.M.
(Sylvia peaks her head into the guys apartment. It is messy, with books and papers strewn about.)
SYLVIA
Hello? Is anybody home? Jeffrey? Simon?
(There is no answer. She enters anyway, and instinctively starts straightening up.)
Would you look at this place? How they find anything in this mess is beyond me. This place sure could use a woman’s touch.
(Simon enters. He looks like a college student, sloppily dressed in jeans and a tee-shirt. He is surprised to see Sylvia. )
SIMON
Mrs. Weissman! I didn’t know you were here.
SYLVIA
Would you cut it out with the Mrs. Weissman already? For twenty two years I’ve been telling you to call me Sylvia. You’d think just once you’d remember. Mrs. Weissman! It makes me sound so old. I’m not that old, you know.
SIMON
I know, I know. It’s good to see you again, Sylvia.
SYLVIA
Good to see you too, Simon. So where’s my son? I thought he’d be home from work already.
SIMON
I don’t know where Jeff is. It’s tax season. Maybe he’s working late.
SYLVIA
My son, the accountant, is working late. He’s a good boy, that Jeffrey. A hard worker. I just wish he’d settle down. So tell me, is he seeing anyone? I think he’s seeing someone but he isn’t telling me. He never tells me these things, like I’m not supposed to know cause it’s some big secret.
SIMON
Seeing someone? No, I don’t think so. Nobody serious, in any case.
SYLVIA
He deserves to find a nice girl. So do you, Simon. How are you with the ladies? Do you have a girlfriend?
SimoN
No Sylvia, unfortunately I don’t.
SYLVIA
I know... it’s not so easy to meet girls these days. Jeffrey tells me that all the time. It’s not like when I was your age.
SIMON
(getting a Coke for himself from the refrigerator)
Would you like something to drink?
SYLVIA
No thanks. (beat) I’ve seen these personal ads in the paper. Have you seen them?
SIMON
Yeah. I’ve seen them.
SYLVIA
They’re kind of ridiculous if you ask me. "Tarzan seeks Jane." "Cinderella in search of prince Charming."
SIMON
"Snow White seeks seven dwarfs."
SYLVIA
(Gives him a look.)
Like everyone’s so busy, they don’t have time to meet in person any more. I’m just glad I met Jeffrey’s father when I did - in college. I don’t know what I’d have done otherwise. Placed a personal ad, maybe. Hah! I shudder to imagine who I might have ended up with if I’d met him through a personal ad. You never know who you’ll meet with those things. Some kind of crazed lunatic, maybe.
SIMON
Maybe. Besides, only losers use the personals.
SYLVIA
My nephew, Seth, met his girlfriend through a personal.
SIMON
Case in point.
SYLVIA
Yeah, I guess you’re right.
(Looks at her watch)
Oh, would you look at the time. I’ve got Mah Jongg tonight, and I still have to fix dinner. Tell Jeffrey I was in the neighborhood getting my nails done, so I dropped by to see him.
SIMON
Okay, Mrs. Weissm-- Sylvia.
SYLVIA
Thank you.
(Sylvia exits. Simon undoes some of the straightening up that Sylvia did. He takes a seat at his desk and begins working on a paper. Jeff enters a few moments later, dressed in a basic business suit with a yellow tie. He has a briefcase in one hand and a newspaper in the other. As he enters, he starts undoing his tie.)
JEFF
Hey.
SIMON
Hey. You just missed your mom.
JEFF
Another one of her surprise visits. I swear she does that just to check up on me. She makes up some excuse for being in the neighborhood but really she just wants to see if I have a girl over. What was the excuse this time?
SIMON
She was having her nails done in the neighborhood.
JEFF
That’s a new one. I’ll have to add it to the list. Right after, "I was having a bunion removed by a podiatrist down the street." Sometimes she drives me a little crazy.
SIMON
Your mother? I find that hard to believe.
JEFF
Well, that’s gonna change. The next time she makes one of her surprise visits, I’ll be standing tall with the girl of my dreams by my side.
SIMON
Oh yeah? How do you intend to accomplish that so quickly?
JEFF
I placed a personal ad.
SIMON
You placed a personal ad?
JEFF
Yep. I spec’d out exactly what I’m looking for so there’ll be no surprises. I told you I was going to do that.
SIMON
No, you didn’t tell me. If you did, I would have surely advised against it. Only losers use the personals.
JEFF
Oh, come on Simon, they’re not so bad. My cousin Seth met his girlfriend through a personal ad. She’s not a loser.
SIMON
Yeah, but Seth is.
JEFF
Well, that’s true. But I don’t know how else to meet women. I’ve dated all the eligible women at work. I’ve dated all my friends’ sisters, all their friends, and all their friends’ sisters. But even after dating all those women, I still haven’t found Miss Right. My sources are tapped out.
SIMON
So you placed a personal ad? That’s the best you could come up with?
JEFF
I figured it’s worth a shot. What’s the worst that can happen? It can’t kill me to try.
SIMON
You don’t know that.
JEFF
(Hands Simon the newspaper)
Here. Check it out on page E3. See if you can tell which one is mine.
SIMON
(Fumbles through the paper as he tries to find page E3. He finds the right page, and scans the headings.)
Let’s see. Men seeking men... women seeking women... You would be... men seeking women?
JEFF
I hope so.
SIMON
Oh, this must be it. Massive muscles seeks bulging breasts.
JEFF
Oh, you know me well.
SIMON
No, no, it’s this one, I’m sure. My heart is filled with desire. I need you to light my fire. You always were a regular Robert Frost.
JEFF
Try again.
SIMON
Okay, this one actually sounds like you. Intelligent, attractive, single white male, 31, with traditional values seeks non-smoking, single white female who’s a pensive thinker for marriage and children.
JEFF
What did you say?
SIMON
I said, intelligent, attractive, single white male, 31, with traditional values seeks non-smoking, single white female who’s a pensive thinker for marriage and children. Why do you want a pensive thinker?
JEFF
I don’t want a pensive thinker. I want a positive thinker. Let me see that!
(Simon hands over the paper. Jeff anxiously grabs it and finds his ad.)
I don’t believe this! They spelled it wrong!
SIMON
Oh! This ought to be interesting. Now you’re going to get replies from pensive thinkers everywhere. What does it mean, anyway? I’ve never dated a woman who considers herself pensive. Some have been ex-pensive, but never pensive. You know, there could be a whole world of pensive thinkers out there that neither of us knows about. And you are the lucky one who’s going to explore that new world. I envy you.
JEFF
I’m sure you do. I’m going to call the paper and have them fix it for next week.
SIMON
You do that and you’re going to break the hearts of pensive thinkers everywhere.
JEFF
(goes toward the telephone, and picks it up.)
I’ll take the risk.
(Jeff reads the number from the newspaper and dials it. After he finishes dialing, Simon politely takes back the paper and goes to the chair at his desk, skimming the personal ads.)
RECORDED MESSAGE
(Played over the P.A. system, a very cheery "phone-lady" type of voice)
Thank you for calling Personally Yours, a great way to meet new and interesting people. If you placed an ad with us, press 1. To respond to an ad, press 2.
(Jeff presses "1")
Please enter your mailbox code.
(He enters a five-digit code)
Please enter your Personal Identification Number.
(He enters a four-digit code.)
MICHELLE (Voice over)
Hi Jeff. I’m Michelle, I’m 29, very attractive, and I love children. I think we have a lot in common. My number is 487-2229. It’s easy to remember ‘cause the last four digits spell baby, b-a-b-y. Isn’t that great? Give me a call. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.
(Jeff is very surprised about having a message.)
JEFF
I guess that’s not the number you call to change your ad.
SIMON
What do you mean?
JEFF
I just heard a reply to my ad.
SIMON
Wow, those pensive thinkers move fast.
JEFF
Apparently so.
SIMON
What did she say?
JEFF
She said her name was Michelle, that she’s very attractive, and she thinks we have a lot in common.
SIMON
She sounds nice enough. Did she leave her number?
JEFF
Yeah. 487-BABY.
SIMON
Baby?
JEFF
Yeah, 487-B-A-B-Y. She said it’s easy to remember that way.
SIMON
I guess so. Are you gonna call her?
JEFF
Sure, I’ve got nothing to lose.
SIMON
Except your dignity.
(Jeff picks up the phone and dials. As it rings, he "rehearses" what he will say, mouthing variations of "Hello, Michelle" in different tones of voice.)
MICHELLE (Voice Over)
Hi. We’re out right now, but don’t you worry. Just leave a message. We’ll call back in a hurry. (Cute giggle, then beep)
JEFF
(Hangs up phone.)
She has a cute laugh.
SIMON
Most pensive thinkers do.
(Michelle enters the ladies’ apartment. She is dressed in a very fancy outfit, highly accessorized, and is wearing a stylish and quite flamboyant hat. She has boxes and bags from Macy’s, which she starts looking through.)
(At the same time, Simon finds something in the newspaper that catches his eye.)
Hey, check this one out. Honest, sincere, single white female graduate student, 28, seeking emotionally secure, single white male for laughter and good times. Together, let’s explore the meaning of life. What do you think?
JEFF
She sounds perfect for you.
(then, a bit sarcastic)
The two of you can spend your whole lives in school together, and never have to worry about doing something productive for society - like work.
SIMON
Look, once I finish this degree, I’m gonna find work.
JEFF
Didn’t you say the same thing when you got your Master’s in American History?
SIMON
Well, yeah, but as luck would have it the huge demand for corporate historians crumbled right when I graduated.
JEFF
So now you’re hoping to cash in on the huge demand for corporate sociologists.
SIMON
Exactly.
JEFF
I see.
SIMON
I’m gonna respond.
JEFF
I thought you said only losers use the personals.
SIMON
That was in my younger days. Now that I’m older, I’m wiser. I know better.
JEFF
Wow. Five minutes really matures a guy. Can’t wait to see what you’re like at the end of the day.
SIMON
What should I say?
JEFF
I don’t know. Just be yourself. Tell her you thought her ad seemed nice, and you want to talk to her.
SIMON
That’s so simple. I’m a much more complicated person than that.
JEFF
No, you’re really quite a simple person. So simple, you seem complicated to yourself. To everyone else, you’re just simple Simon.
SIMON
Give me the phone!
(Jeff hands Simon the telephone. Simon circles the ad in the newspaper, and, referring to the paper for the phone number, dials the phone. )
RECORDED MESSAGE
Thank you for calling Personally Yours, a great way to meet new and interesting people. If you placed an ad with us, press 1. To respond to an ad, press 2.
(Simon presses "2")
Please enter the mailbox code of the person to whom you are responding.
(He enters a five-digit code, referring to the newspaper)
CINDY (Voice Over)
Hi. This is Cindy. I’m an attractive 28 year old graduate nursing student. I like reading, going to the movies, and snuggling by a hot fire on cold winter nights. I believe there is good in everyone, and I make every effort to find it. I’d love to hear from you. Please leave your name and number, and I’ll call you back as soon as possible. (beep)
SIMON
Hi. I’m Simon. I’m 29 years old, pretty good looking, and I have a good sense of humor. I read your ad and thought you seemed really nice, and after listening to your message, I’m even more sure of it. Please call me at 389-4614.
(Hangs up)
That was easy enough. I hope she calls.
(Michelle notices a message on the answering machine, and presses the button on the machine.)
JEFF (Voice Over)
Hi Michelle. This is Jeff. You responded to my personal ad, and I’m just calling to chat. Please give me a call at 389-4614.
MICHELLE
Wow, that was fast. I wonder if I should call back now, or wait a few days. If I call back now, he’ll think I’m desperate. But wait, he’s the one who placed the ad, so who’s the desperate one? No, I’m reading too much into this. Look, he called, ‘just to chat.’ There’s no harm in chatting, is there? But what if he’s boring, or worse yet, really weird? There’s nothing worse than talking on the phone to a really weird guy. But he sounded nice in his message. Sensitive. I mean, he said he liked children. How many guys admit they like children? He could be a great father some day. It could be love at first sight. We could hit it off right away, fall madly in love, get married, start a family and live in blissful harmony for the rest of our lives. On the other hand, I don’t even know what he looks like. He says he’s good looking, but who isn’t in the right light? Oh, are looks really all that important, anyway? As long as he dresses nice. All right. I’ll call him.
(She picks up the phone, and prepares to dial. Then hangs up.)
I don’t remember his number. Maybe that’s a sign. An omen of some sort. Maybe it’s some greater being telling me I shouldn’t call. Maybe God is warning me not to get started with this guy. Why would he be doing that? What’s wrong with him? Maybe he has two heads or worse yet, no fashion sense. That would be awful. He could show up on our first date dressed in last year’s styles. Oh, come on. You’re doing it again. Just call him.
(She plays back the message again.)
JEFF (Voice Over)
Hi Michelle. This is Jeff. You responded to my personal ad, and I’m just calling to chat. Please give me a call at 389-4614.
MICHELLE
389-4614. 389-4614. Okay.
(She picks up the phone, and dials, saying each number as she dials it. Simon answers the telephone.)
SIMON
Hello.
MICHELLE
Hello. Jeff?
SIMON
Just a second.
(He covers the telephone receiver and, in a hushed tone)
I think it’s your pensive thinker.
(He hands the phone to Jeff)
JEFF
Hello.
MICHELLE
Hi, this is Michelle returning your call.
JEFF
Oh, hi. I’m glad you called.
MICHELLE
Thanks. I just got your message. (awkward silence) You sounded real nice.
JEFF
Thanks. You did too.
MICHELLE
Well, people tell me I have a nice voice.
JEFF
And I agree with them. (awkward silence) You know, I apologize if I sound abrupt, but I really hate talking on the telephone. I’m much better face-to-face.
MICHELLE
Oh, don’t apologize. I know what you mean. Let’s meet somewhere where we can talk in person.