Press "P" for Purgatory
by Steve Michelson
Copyright ã 2001 by Steven Michelson. All rights reserved.
(Michael, an elderly gentleman is being interviewed by Peter, an angelic-like man sitting behind a desk. Peter is holding a clipboard, and frequently consults it. There is a telephone on the desk.)
PETER
So tell me, Michael, why do you think you deserve to be admitted?
MICHAEL
I’ve been a good person my whole life. I did well in school, took good care of my family, donated to charity, never missed a day of work.
PETER
About that work, it says here you were a telecommunications engineer.
MICHAEL
That’s right. I invented voice-mail.
PETER
Isn’t it true you also invented the device that answers calls, plays announcements, and asks people to enter digits?
MICHAEL
That’s right. "Press 1 for sales, 2 for service." I made a lot of money with that invention.
PETER
I’m sorry, sir. There’s just no place for you here.
MICHAEL
What do you mean, ‘there’s no place for me?’ I was a good person!
PETER
I’m sorry, sir. You’ll have to go elsewhere.
MICHAEL
You mean.... hell?
PETER
Not exactly.
MICHAEL
Then what?
PETER
Call the number on this card.
(Peter hands Michael a business card, and exits. Michael looks at the business card, picks up the telephone, and dials the number on the card.)
OPERATOR (voiceover)
Thank you for calling. For faster service, please press 1 if this is your first time calling, 2 if you’ve called before.
(Michael presses 1)
Thank you. To better assist you, please press 1 if you are male, 2 if you are female.
(Michael presses 1)
Press 1 if you were married, 2 if divorced, or 3 if single.
(Michael presses 1)
Press 1 if you smoked, 2 if you drank, 3 if you did both, or 4 if you did neither.
(Michael presses 1)
Thank you. Your call is very important to us, and will be answered by the next available agent. Currently, you are caller number.... infinity.
(Music on hold)
Thank you for calling. For faster service, please press 1 if this is your first time calling, 2 if you’ve called before.
The End