On My Own
by Steven Michelson
Copyright ã 1999 by Steven Michelson. All rights reserved.
Act I
Scene 1
Monday morning
(The stage is dark. Matt Majeski enters Joe Redicker’s apartment from the front door, dressed in a dark sweatsuit, carrying a duffel bag, and looking rather suspicious. As soon as Matt opens the door, he is instantly greeted by flailing sirens and blinking lights. Obviously, he has just tripped a burglar alarm. Startled by the alarm, Matt enters the apartment, leaving the door ajar. As the alarm sounds, Joe enters from his bedroom, dressed in pajamas, carrying a baseball bat. He approaches Matt from behind, bat raised high and ready to strike. Just as Joe is ready to pounce, Matt turns around to face Joe. Joe instantly relaxes.)
JOE
For God’s sake, Matt! You nearly gave me a heart attack!
(Joe punches in a code on the alarm console mounted next to the front door, and the alarm stops, but the lights stay on, revealing a two bedroom apartment with an eclectic collection of furniture and many boxes, still unpacked.)
MATT
What’s with the security system?
JOE
It came with the place. I figured I’d see how it works.
MATT
Apparently it works pretty well.
JOE
Haven’t you ever heard of a thing called a doorbell?
MATT
You said to come by anytime -- that’s why you gave me a key, remember?
JOE
No. I gave you a key in case I got locked out.
MATT
You say tomato, I say tomahtoe.
(The phone rings.)
JOE
Who could that be? Nobody even knows my number yet.
(He answers the phone. Matt picks up the baseball bat and starts swinging it, playing "air" baseball.)
Hello? (pause) Password? I wasn’t told anything about a password. (pause) No, you don’t have to send anybody. It was just a false alarm. (pause) No, I am Joe Redicker. I live here. (pause) No, don’t!
(He hangs up, exasperated.)
Great! They’re sending the police.
MATT
Who is?
JOE
The alarm company. When you tripped the alarm, they got notified and called here. I’m supposed to have some kind of password if that happens, but I don’t know what it is. So, what are you doing here anyway?
MATT
I just thought I’d stop by on my way to work to check out the new bachelor pad. Pretty cool.
JOE
It’s awesome. Thanks for telling me about the vacancy.
MATT
No problem. Liz and I were glad when Mrs. Refino finally moved out. Do you know she would vacuum the living room every Thursday at midnight? The walls in this place are paper thin!
JOE
Don’t worry, I’m not as tidy as Mrs. Refino. You won’t hear any vacuuming in this apartment for months.
MATT
I still don’t know how you could stand living in your folks’ house for so long. Especially with your mother being the way she is. You’ve been working for two years already.
JOE
What can I say? You get used to it. Plus, it took me a couple of years to save up enough money. What do you expect on a teacher’s salary?
MATT
I told you to become a lawyer, but no, you wouldn’t listen. Something about influencing young minds, or other such nonsense.
JOE
Like the country has a shortage of lawyers.
MATT
Well I’m glad you finally took the plunge, Joey. You know, this reminds me of when I finally moved out on my own. It was pretty liberating.
JOE
Tell me about it. It’s awesome. Total freedom. Now that I’m on my own, I won’t have to follow all of my mother’s little rules. I won’t have to put coasters under my drinks; I can let the dishes pile up in the sink; I can stay out as late as I want; I can swear as loud as I want-
MATT
You can swear, huh? Come on, the only time I ever heard you swear was the first day of kindergarten, when you got in trouble for saying "shit." First you did it; then you said it.
JOE
You wouldn’t believe the trouble I got in when the principal called home. I could have used your legal expertise back then. My mother treated me as if I’d committed a felony.
MATT
She does get carried away with stuff like that.
JOE
I’ll say. But now that she’s not here, I can say anything I want, anytime I want.
(Matt continues playing with the baseball bat, and almost appears to be swinging the bat at Joe. Officer Douglas appears at the doorway, unseen to the two guys. He overhears the following exchange.)
MATT
Mr. Tough Guy.
JOE
Shit! Shit! Shit! You see. There. I said it, and I didn’t get in trouble.
(Officer Douglas barges in, pistol drawn.)
OFFICER DOUGLAS
Police! Put your hands in the air, both of you!
(Matt drops the bat, and he and Joe oblige.)
JOE
I’m sorry officer. I won’t say it again.
OFFICER DOUGLAS
Don’t give me any lip, you hear me? Just keep your hands where I can see them.
(Officer Douglas frisks each of them, and finds nothing. He notices the bat.)
What’s this?
MATT
A baseball bat.
OFFICER DOUGLAS
I know what it is, wise guy. You think you’re funny, huh? You think you’re a real laugh riot. Life is just one big joke to you, huh? I’ll tell you one thing, sonny. This is no joke. This is the big time. A thirty nine forty -- breaking and entering. How does five to seven years sound, huh? Not so funny now, is it?
MATT
Officer, I know the law. I’m an attorney.
OFFICER DOUGLAS
I don’t care if you’re a supreme court justice. Breaking and entering is a felony.
JOE
Officer, I live here. I just moved in yesterday. It was a false alarm. I forgot the password.
OFFICER DOUGLAS
Do you have ID?
JOE
In my bedroom.
OFFICER DOUGLAS
Okay. Keep your hands where I can see them.
(Joe exits to his bedroom, as the cop places himself in a position to see both Matt and Joe. Whenever the cop looks at Joe, Matt mimics him, unseen to the cop. This goes on several times, until Joe returns. The cop finally catches Matt in the act of mimicking.)
I saw that, counselor. Do you want me to arrest you right now for impersonating an officer? Is that what you want? ‘Cause if that’s what you want, I’ll do it right here, right now.
(Joe returns with the ID and his lease.)
MATT
Why, I ought to--
JOE
Matt! (beat) Officer, here’s my ID, and my lease.
(Joe hands them to the cop, who looks them over. The cop seems satisfied.)
OFFICER DOUGLAS
Joe Redicker, huh? I knew a Redicker once. My mother was friends with a Marsha Redicker.
(Joe reads the officer’s name from the name tag on his uniform.)
JOE
Oh my God! Tony Douglas! Marie’s son, right? Our mothers played bridge together.
OFFICER DOUGLAS
So you’re little Joey Redicker. How are you, man?
JOE
Good. And yourself?
OFFICER DOUGLAS
Not bad. Boy, ain’t this a trip. My mom’s gonna get a real kick out of this.
JOE
Mine too.
OFFICER DOUGLAS
Well, I better be going. You fellas be more careful next time, will ya?
JOE
Sure.
OFFICER DOUGLAS
And learn the password, Joey.
(Officer Douglas exits.)
JOE
I don’t believe that. That was Tony Douglas.
MATT
You don’t say.
(Joe goes to the kitchen.)
JOE
You want anything?
MATT
Nah. Already had breakfast.
(Joe pours himself a glass of orange juice. Matt notices a cable box attached to the television, and his eyes open wide.)
You have cable?
JOE
Sure. You don’t?
MATT
Unfortunately not.
JOE
What kind of lawyer can’t afford cable?
MATT
A lawyer who’s fiancee makes us save every extra penny for the wedding.
JOE
Oh, you’re that kind of lawyer? I thought you were in litigation. (beat) Well, my friend, let me tell you what you’re missing. Eighty four channels, including 6 movie stations, ESPN, and The Playboy Channel.
MATT
The Playboy Channel?
(Matt goes toward the television and turns it on.)
JOE
Channel 50.
(Matt turns the channel. They both look intently at the television, mesmerized by it.)
MATT
Ah, to be young and unattached again.
(Joe takes the remote and turns off the television.)
JOE
What are you talking about? I have a girlfriend.
MATT
How’s that going?
JOE
In a word, fantastic. Jesse is the most amazing woman. Do you know she spends forty hours a week in the pediatric ward at the hospital, then volunteers four hours every weekend at the animal shelter, taking care of the cats and dogs?
MATT
No kidding.
JOE
She’s smart, she’s funny. She’s always encouraging me to try new things. I just feel great when I’m with her. She makes me a better person.
MATT
Sounds serious. I’ve never heard you talk like that before.
JOE
I’ve never met a woman like her before.
MATT
You must really love her.
(No reaction from Joe.)
So, how’s the sex?
JOE
(reluctant) Fine.
MATT
Just fine?
JOE
What else do you want?
MATT
Normally you elaborate a little more than "fine."
JOE
It’s fine. I don’t know what more you want me to say. Besides, it’s really none of your business.
MATT
You haven’t slept with her yet, have you?
JOE
Sure I have.
(Matt looks Joe in the eyes for a moment.)
MATT
No you haven’t.
JOE
Look, I’m not going to argue with you about this. Shouldn’t you be going?
MATT
You haven’t!
JOE
All right. I haven’t. But that’s going to change this Friday. She and I picked out a new bedroom set just for the occasion.
MATT
You’ve been seeing Jesse for three months and you haven’t yet-
JOE
No. She would never do it with my mom in the house.
MATT
And you would?
JOE
Not if she was in the next room, but we were in the basement and my mom was two floors up.
MATT
What about at Jesse’s place?
JOE
She has this really weird roommate, Wendy, who never leaves their apartment. She creeps us both out.
MATT
Now I know why you really moved out of your parents house.
JOE
All right, fine. You got it out of me. Are you proud of yourself? You can go now.
MATT
Yes I am proud of myself. And now that my work here is done, I will be going. I’ve got to get to the gym, and then to court.
JOE
Suing another old lady, are you?
MATT
I didn’t sue an old lady. I represented the hospital where she fell.
(Joe shows Matt the door.)
JOE
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You say tomato, I say tomahtoe. Get outta here, will ya.
(Matt exits. After shutting the door, Joe begins unpacking a box, removing some trophies. He places a few on the mantel. A few moments later, the door bell rings.)
JOE
What does he want now?
(Joe opens the front door. Jessica Fravel is standing there, dressed in a nurses uniform, carrying a grocery bag.)
Jesse!
JESSICA
Hi Joey.
JOE
This is a nice surprise.
(She enters, and they kiss.)
JESSICA
I brought you some food for breakfast. If I know you, you’ll starve before you go grocery shopping.
JOE
Not true. I did go grocery shopping last night. Can I get you anything? (jokingly) Some potato chips or beer, maybe?
JESSICA
That’s what I figured.
JOE
I’m just kidding. I got real food too. You want anything?
JESSICA
No thanks. I can’t stay long.
JOE
Hey, I tried that restaurant you recommended, Luciano’s.
JESSICA
Did you have the fettuccine?
JOE
Yes, and it was excellent.
JESSICA
I’m glad you liked it. We’ll have to go there together sometime. (beat) So, the place looks good. Has real potential.
(Jesse starts looking around.)
JOE
You think?
JESSICA
Absolutely. Just needs a little bit of a woman’s touch. You could use a picture on this wall. (beat) So how does the bedroom set look?
JOE
Go see for yourself.
(Jesse exits to the bedroom.)
JESSICA
Looks good!
(She re-enters.)
I’m really looking forward to testing it out on Friday. Oh, that reminds me. I got you something.
(She hands him a gift-wrapped box, which he unwraps to find a music CD.)
JOE
David Cassidy?
JESSICA
It’s for Friday. Drives me crazy.
JOE
David Cassidy drives you crazy?
JESSICA
Are you kidding? I had the biggest crush on him when I was little.
JOE
Jesse, you are so cute. (beat) I got you something too.
(Joe finds a gift-wrapped box in the clutter and hands it to Jesse. She unwraps it, to find a small perfume bottle. She sprays a small sample on her wrist and smells it.)
JESSICA
Calvin Klein’s Eternity. It’s nice.
JOE
It’s for Friday too. Drives me crazy.
(They kiss, then continue to hold hands.)
JESSICA
I love you.
JOE
I know you do.
JESSICA
It wouldn’t hurt for you to say it too, you know.
JOE
Jesse, you know I’m crazy about you. I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about a woman. I’m just not ready to use that word yet. When I do, it’s not going to be just a word I use in passing. It’s going to be because it really means something to me.
JESSICA
One of these days...