But, what I have experienced has little to do with spousal voids and the horrible emptiness that occurs when two people don�t understand the meaning of unified, unconditional love. Divorce is such a stupid, awful, ugly, nasty, life crippling thing. Nothing is normal about divorce and nothing is ever the same afterwards. Everything is always touched by it. Whether you are going to the kids� ball games or planning a vacation, it doesn�t matter. Divorce will extend your decisions and deliberations far, far further than anyone is ever willing to admit.
My sons and my step children mean the world to me. I love them enough to easily die for any one of them- without hesitation. But, I deserve to be happy too; don�t I? I deserve to have an intimate relationship with a significant other; don�t I? Well, yes and no is the answers that I�ve come up with. No matter how much I want to love and be loved by a woman, I will never allow those feelings to interfere with my better judgment as to the proper development of my kids. No one, no matter how lovely, loving, harmonious, gentle and kind, will ever come between my God ordained responsibility to my kids first and foremost.
The kids won�t get it. Not, at least, for a few more years. They understand that their mother and I are not together. They understand that things are strangely more peaceful if not more awkward. They will someday see that although divorce may mean many of their needs are not met, it also means that more of their most important needs are. They will see through me, that "having someone in your life to love", is not always worth the "cost". That being alone is not the most horrible thing that can happen. They will see that having a romantic relationship is not worth every sacrifice, and that their joy and fulfillment does not need to come from another person, but from a much deeper more solid source. They will learn from me that they alone have value and can live happily without being defined by another. I will love and nurture my children in spite of my own longings. I will attend to the needs in MY life, only if that means not introducing more drama into theirs.
What happens when your love for someone is superseded by your concern for your children? What happens is that you spend a lot of time alone writing impedimenta like this page. You spend a lot of time thinking about how things might have been. You spend time planning how not to repeat the same mistakes for the second or third time. You spend a lot of time with your kids, loving, teaching, cherishing, and pointing them to adulthood. An adulthood that you can only pray they will have learned from your own failings, challenges and victories. You go forward, trusting God, without all the answers and not much visibility. Just like you hope they will do.
