Episode 23: Explosion Returns.

Major Characters: John A Macdonald, Desmond Collins, Charlotte, John Diefenbaker, Pierre Trudeau, Donald Flemming, Chick Turner, George Cartier, Kim Campbell, CD Howe.

Minor Characters: Greasy guy, Muffin, Beet, Smitty, Cloak, Adam Sandler, Kaiser Wilhelm, Chuck Adler, Strombo, RB Bennett, William Lyon Mackenzie, Doc Brown, Marty, Don Newman, Pierre Berton, Assistant, Jean Chretien

{Interior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond and John A are sitting at opposite end of the bar, John A with G&T and Desmond with a Martini. Beet and Muffin walk in}

MUFFIN: This is completely unfunny.

BEET: I blame bad writing. {Referee comes on screen and makes the washout motion. Smitty walks in.}

SMITTY: Good, bad, I'm the beet with the gun. {Pulls out shotgun and blows muffin and beet away.}

JOHN A: You're not a beet.

SMITTY: Groovy. {Long pause.}

JOHN A: Another drink, Chief. 

{Opening Credits}

{Exterior, Light heart music. Gordon Lightfoot is slowly patching up the giant hole in his wall.} Charlotte exits the building. Cloak is walking down the street whistling to himself. Charlotte sees him. There's a dawning moment of realization that this is a dangerous person.}

CHARLOTTE: No. {Charlotte ducks into Lightheart music. Gordon is tuning his guitar. A string snaps and flies out of the gaping hole in the wall, impaling Cloak through the head. Cloak falls to ground.}

CLOAK: Mister Sandler, I'm a big fan.

SANDLER: Dozen times. {Exterior: Parliament. Interior: Commons Chamber.}

KAISER: The speaker recognizes the member for Upper Brow Politician In-joke.

FLEMMING: Mister Speaker, Will the newly minted minister of security tell the house just what he had done in the time that he has been granted the portfolio?

CHICK: Well, hrm! I had these hrm! nice business cards made.

FLEMMING: Mister speaker Does the minister think that this is a good use of public money?

CHICK: Well, hrm! I bought them in bulk so that they were hrm! embossed for free and everything.

KAISER: The speaker recognizes the honourable member for Strombyadayada

STROMBO: Yo, Speaks! Is like the PM's right hand man totally going to give a shout out on the trade game with the hot stuff?

JOHN A: ... Mister Speaker after the government's crack team of cryptologists decode the message we'll be able to get back to the honourable member with a reply. {Cut to gallery. A thin man with greasy hair gets up and walks to washroom. Interior: Public washroom.}

GREASY: Let's see... bomb? Check! Speech? Check! Lighter? {Feels pockets.} Damn! {Cloak walks in.} Hey buddy got a light? {Cut to commons chamber.}

BENNETT: And that, mister speaker is why I predict steady to moderate growth for the economy {Loud boom.}

KAISER: The honourable member for Has it really been that long.

CARTIER: Mister Speaker, would the prime minister inform the house as to the status of the social housing plan that the members of this house have heard of?

TRUDEAU: The government has introduced no such plan to the house.

CARTIER: Mister speaker, I would table for the Prime Minister the editorial page June 29th issue of the Gorffwysfa Sun.

KAISER: Monsier Cartier, the editorial page is nothing but shrieking and monkey feces! {Cut to newsroom. A desk is there with a name placard, reading Chuck Adler. Charles Adler jumps on desk. He is wearing a loincloth and painted blue.}

ADLER: The govmint wantses to takes it from us! Our taxious... {Cut back to Commons Chamber.}

TRUDEAU: At any rate the government has numerous financial responsibilities to meet and will not be quick to undertake any plan that is not revenue neutral.

KAISER: The Speaker recognizes the honourable member for Dignity in the face of Ridicule.

STANFIELD: Thank you mister speaker {Is hit in the face with a pie.}

KAISER: The pie! {Wayne pops on beside Kaiser}

WAYNE: You were expecting Sandy Koufax?

STANFIELD: {Through pie} Doo dee doo do do doo dee do doo.

DESMOND: In actuality, Mister Speaker I was able to create some savings for the department by canceling construction on that ridiculous boondoggle of a stone bridge. {Cut to river. A purple hat with a blue bill floats in the river. Cut back.}

MACKENZIE: Point of order! Mister Speaker those of us on this side of the house can no longer continue, whilst the Deputy Prime Minister is clearly sozzled on gin and leering at us from the treasury benches.

JOHN A: Mister Speaker, there stands as far as I am aware, no rule against the consumption of clear liquids in the house of commons.

KAISER: Perhaps if I were to sample the beverage in question...

JOHN A: If the speaker would allow proceedings to continue. I am certain I can procure him a test sample at my own expense.

KAISER: That seems acceptable.

MACKENZIE: Macdonallllllllld!

KAISER: If the honourable member would remember to address only the speaker, it would be most appreciated.

MACKENZIE: Mister Speaker-

KAISER: Ah! Ah!

MACKENZIE: {Grumbles. Eats whole cake in one bite.} I think I have heartburn. No, wait, that's just the candles. {Interior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond and John A are sitting at the bar celebrating. Glasses clink.}

JOHN A: Well, we certainly laid the opposition to waste today my boy!

DESMOND: Those fools didn't know what hit them.

DIEF: Blancmange, would you please stop gloating in the third person.

JOHN A: Moronsayswhat?

DIEF: What?

DESMOND: Ha ha! Second time's a charm baby! {Emmett Brown walks up to bar.}

DOC BROWN: Great Scott! {Slams a shot of whiskey. Falls over.}

MARTY: Aw, geez, Mister Mayor. How am I gonna become a big time plastic surgeon now?! You gotta wake up!

DIEF: Let's use our special wake up formula! {Turns on TV}

DON NEWMAN: Hello, I'm Don Newman, welcome to the broadcast, we're here with our 24 hour special on the Gorffwysfan constitution. Here on GBG: The Gorffwysfan Broadcasting Group. {Doc Pops Up}

DOC BROWN:  I for one feel that asymmetrical federalism is the superior form of constitutional arrangement. {Diefenbaker pulls shotgun. Desmond pulls switch blade. John A breaks whiskey bottle against bar.} Er, ah. It was him! {Points at Cloak.}

CLOAK: No! No! You got me all wrong! I'm a federalist through and through just like uh, Robert Bourassa! {Moment of pondering.} Aw, crap. {Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Fight noises are heard as blood splatters against the window. Interior: Realm and Message Newsroom. There is an open blender on Pierre Berton's desk. He is dropping random office implements into it and watching as the blender eats them. Charlotte walks in sits at desk and begins busying herself with papers.}

BERTON: Charlotte! Just the person I wanted to see! Could you pass me your stapler? {Grinding metal sounds are heard.}

CHARLOTTE: Stapler: Fourteen Dollars. The realization that your office is over staffed: half a million dollars in strike costs and arbitration fees.

BERTON: Yeah, hand me those collective agreements would you?

CHARLOTTE: That reminds me... I haven't signed my union card yet. Got a pen? {Close up on Berton as he looks into whirring blender. Close up on Berton's face. Teeth grit. Bead of sweat forms on his face. Cut to Ministry of Safety and Security.}

ASSISTANT: Really sir, I wish you'd let the department put warning labels on appliances.

CHICK: Can't be done hrm! Can't!

ASSISTANT: But sir they have an adhesiv-

CHICK: Can't! Too much money. Besides, what idiot's going to stick his hand into a food processor while it's moving? {Cut back to Newsroom.}

BERTON: Okay, okay, I concede. Darkman could outrun the Flash... And a monorail. {Pull back to reveal Smitty has chainsawed Berton's desk in half.} Now let me use that thing.

SMITTY: No! My chain saw is like my child! I just don't go around willy nilly being careless with this thing. {Begins to gesticulate with the chain saw.} Honestly, this is a very serious piece of equipment and if I'm not careful somebody could get seriously hurt! {Smitty has thrown his 'hands' over his shoulder and grinding noises are heard as blood sprays. First person point of view, obscured slightly by a swatch of brown cloth in an upper corner. Smitty and Berton look over the vicitm.}

BERTON: Nice going, mister "I don't just go around willy nilly being careless with this thing!"

SMITTY: Shut up! We've got to act fast! Clamp. {Berton Hands Smitty Clamp}

BERTON: Clamp.

SMITTY: Suction. {Sucking sounds are heard.}

BERTON: Suction.

SMITTY: Boom stick.

BERTON: Boom stick. {Berton hands Smitty shotgun. Smitty points it at camera. Cocks gun. Interior: Charlotte's apartment. Kim is typing at keyboard.}

CHARLOTTE: Kim?

KIM: I'm busy right now.

CHARLOTTE: I uh, need to learn how to... wait, what do you do anyway?

KIM: Nigerian banking fraud.

CHARLOTTE: But there's no internet... how do you reach anyone?

KIM: Success rate's about the same.

CHARLOTTE: O...kay... anyway, I need your help. I need to learn how to... protect myself.

KIM: That's what the pharmacy is... oh, from attack!

CHARLOTTE: Yes.

KIM: We can do this: But I have to warn you, it involves Horatio Sanz.

CHARLOTTE: I don't know...

KIM: Getting repeatedly injured.

CHARLOTTE: Exactly how we're going to get him here quickly enough! {Cut to Charlotte and Kim on the roof top. Both are dressed in open black trench coats. Alternating closeups.}

KIM: Okay then, I want you to see just a fraction of the expertise that you could build up if you stick with this.

CHARLOTTE: Okay.

KIM: You have the gun I gave you?

CHARLOTTE: Yes.

KIM: Shoot me.

CHARLOTTE: But I don't-

KIM: Damn it Neo!... Geo! {Pull back to reveal Kim playing a video game console.} Why does the one game you have that I want to play always have to be out of orde-{Shot rings out. Charlotte crumples to the ground.}

CHARLOTTE: Screw this, I'll just buy some pepper spray. {Throws gun over shoulder. A shot rings out.}

CHRETIEN: Bullet? She put it in my spleen. {Thud.}

CLOAK: Help! I'm being crushed to death by Canada's 20th Prime Minister! {Exterior: Parliament. Interior: Parliamentary Lobby. Desmond is seated on a stool opposite Don Newman. Faces are then framed in alternating head shots.}

NEWMAN: Hello, I'm Don Newman, welcome to the Broadcast, I have with me today the infrastructure minister, Desmond Collins, a politician enjoying an unlikely and meteoric rise in Gorffwysfan politics. He is with me now and hopefully discussing what is common knowledge: A plan the government is considering to begin a massive government housing project. Mister Collins.

DESMOND: Pleasure to be here Don.

NEWMAN: Now... Minister, some people are wondering how the government is going to be able to afford such an ambitious project.

DESMOND: Really? Name six.

NEWMAN: Well, I, uh, that's not at issue here Mister Collins. The real issue is the question of treasury outlays in a time of fiscal stringency. I mean the government's ability to borrow more money is seriously impacted.

DESMOND: Define seriously impacted.

NEWMAN: Don't confuse the issue here Minister-

DESMOND: At any rate I feel the real question is how our citizens can afford to have the majority of their housing provided by one individual whose duty is to consider his own interests and not theirs.

NEWMAN: Still Minister, can the government afford this project?

DESMOND: Can the government not afford this project? {Fade out and cut to ceiling where CD Howe is suspended via harness and cutting a cable. Overlay CD's dialogue while Desmond's speaking in the background.} I mean honestly the government is fundamentally interested in the welfare of average Gorffwysfans and their children, and their children's children, and their children's children's children.

CD HOWE: It was really convenient of the government to suspend these heavy klieg lights precariously above television interviews where the lighting would be subpar at best. Ah well, back to my murderous revenge. {Rapping to self} I  like big butts and I can not lie. You other brothers can't deny. That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist. And a round thing in your face. You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough. 'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed. Deep in the jeans she's wearing. I'm hooked and I can't stop staring. Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture.

DESMOND: Now you're going to say, Desmond you're dead, you can't have children, and then I'd run to my room and cry in my pillow, because I have no protege to groom and I'm ugly and nobody loves me, but at any rate I'm a minister and it's for one simple reason: To compensate for my basic inadequacies as an individual. I mean really Don, what would you say about an individual who would spend eight hours prepping for a TV interview that ten people could watch. Oh, well, that's twice as many as some people I could name. That's right I'm talking to you Mr. Wilson. Man that guy's Olympic commentary is beyond boring. Anyway where was I. If I have my way the government will be erecting thousands of structures. And the people will walk down the street and look at those buildings and say, look at Collins' great erections. Well, the people with no sense of double entendre will say that. Anyway the point of the story was that I was on the ferry to Salt Spring island, which was unpolluted at the time. And then Elisibeth Nickson moved there and you could just choke on the vitriol. Which reminds me of the time I was at an NDP convention in... I think it was Winnipeg. You're familiar with Winnipeg aren't you Don? {Cord snaps. Cut back to Desmond. Desmond is tapped on shoulder. He turns around to see Cloak crushed under a broken floodlight. Cloak is twitching.} Excuse me, I'm in the middle of an interview. {Pull away from Desmond. Don's stool is empty.} Oh. Never mind. I'll just give you some privacy.}

CLOAK: Please, not again {Interior: Wayne and Shuster Studio. Cloak Materializes.}

SHUSTER: And another reason comedy teams aren't dead is-{Hit in face with pie.}

WAYNE: Slapstick and...{Long silence. Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond is walking up with his keys.}

DESMOND: Okay, let's take this from the top: Home sweet non-exploded home. {Desmond is clocked in the face with a large strip of bacon.} Well, you may as well go whole hog. {Is hit in face with hog. Desmond on ground. First person view from Desmond.}

CLOAK: This! Ends! Now! {Raises knife. Cut away. A grunt is heard. Cut back. Cloak is clutching at a pencil wound in his chest, breathing shallowly. Piano music plays. Drew waddles past slowly. Checks his watch. Continues waddling. Cloak crumples to ground.}

DESMOND: So, pick this up tomorrow?

CLOAK: No.

{End credits}

{Interior: Wayne and Shuster studios, both are relaxing in the stands.}

WAYNE: I tell you partner, we put on a pretty good-

SHUSTER: Timing!