Episode 22: Chick's Song

Major Characters: Desmond Collins, Chick Turner, Mackenzie King, Pierre Trudeau, Charlotte, Kim Campbell, General Hacker,

Minor Characters: Horatio Sanz, Assistant, Robertson Davies, Fire Marshal Bill, Muffin, Beet, Ron Maclean, Don Cherry, Don Coharsky, Gizmo, Walter Gordon, Sinclair Stevens, Wilfrid Laurier, Chubby Power, Newton, RB Bennett,Weird Al, Bartender, Cloak.

{Opening Credits}

{Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond is still being crushed under Sanz. Robertson Davies walks up.}

DAVIES: Wonderful sunrise don't you think? {Desmond looks at the horizon. A foot of snow falls. Desmond straightens himself up, having got out from under Sanz.}

DESMOND: The spirit of government intervention's present.

DAVIES: That will do nicely.

DESMOND: So you're here to tell me why I shouldn't get involved in the economy because of its current failures?

DAVIES: What you hear is entirely of your own accord. I'm no economist. Come Desmond. {Exterior: Parliament. Exterior: Ministry of Safety. Interior: Chick Turner's office. Desmond and Davies are in the corner. Chick is at his desk.}

DESMOND: Chick Turner?! Well of course! Anything that he attempts is going to be an utter failure. The man's got the most impressive case of mental paralysis I've ever seen! I doubt you could ever convince me that I should stay out of the economy thanks to the failures of someone as pathetic as Turner. {An assistant enters.}

ASSISTANT: Minister, how does this morning find you?

CHICK: Oh, hrm! just fine hrm! just fine.

ASSISTANT: And did you have an opportunity to go over the departmental review papers we sent you home with? {Close up on Turner, dark circles ring his eyes}

CHICK: Well, hrm! no, actually.

ASSISTANT: Minister, I'm sorry, but if you're going to be carousing until all hours when those of us in this department have been working very diligently to put together a valuable report on roadways safety then

CHICK: Honestly Bill, what hrm! is the point? {Pan left to reveal a man in a fire marshal's outfit.}

BILL: Well, let's just say that you're up here in your office thinking of a way to bring an end to papercuts. You hear the distant crash of an automobile, and in your hurry to rubberneck... {Bill turns his head so quickly that his neck snaps audibly. Bill falls to ground.}

CHICK: But at any rate hrm! a grisly car accident will mean hrm! some clean up, but nobody dies... not hrm! really. There's only one threat to the safety of Gorffwysfans: Cyanide from Apple seeds.

ASSISTANT: At any rate sir, let's work on trying to avoid injuries. It's not like you can just destroy all the apples.

CHICK: No I hrm! suppose I... Wait a minute. Why couldn't I?

ASSISTANT: Really minister, do you really think that people are going to let you confiscate apples. What would we have... some sort of apple registry?

CHICK: Now you're just being flippant hrm!

ASSISTANT: No sir, I'm being realistic. The laws of politics do tend to be rather immutable.

CHICK: Well dead people tend hrm! not to vote often either hrm! No, this could be the greatest single act of government hrm! in the eighty years that Gorffwysfa has existed. And I hrm ! would be the one to carry it out. {Speechifying} The government will act collectively where the people of Gorffwysfa are unwilling and unable to act individually. For the welfare of the whole, we will put an end to the only truly dangerous good in this realm and in so doing, will save the lives of an entire nation forever.

ASSISTANT: What a courageous policy minister.

CHICK: Why, thank you. {Assistant consults a book: "Yes Minister"}  

ASSISTANT: However, if you really are set on doing something about cyanide poisoning, I would recommend an education campaign. {A muffin and a beet walk in.}

CHICK: hrm! No.

BEET: Come on muffin, there's plenty of ways for anthropomorphic food to make money on the internet. {Desmond shudders.}

MUFFIN: Cooking shows for instance {Davies shudders.}

CHICK: I don't want hrm! an education campaign I hrm! want to get rid hrm! of apple seeds.

ASSISTANT: Well minister, if that is your policy, the department will begin working on a draft paper to facilitate the presentation of the requisite ideas to the appropriate body, beginning discussion on future deliberations, laying the groundwork for additional debate and amendment, creating a context for future readiness for potential action, moving towards a future conclusion of the aforementioned debate, all the while respecting the divergent interests and inputs who will, while taking your concerns into their consideration, produce their own considered and nuanced opinions which will, in no way reducing the original impact of your previously expressed policy objectives, augment and expand upon the idea until it blossoms as a fully formed governmental policy.

DAVIES: Rather like an apple tree.

CHICK: hrm! hrm! Yeah, that's good then. You'll start work right way.

ASSISTANT: Of course, minister! What's a department without activity?

CHICK: Excellent! I'll announce the policy in the house today.

ASSISTANT: Do you think that's wise sir?

CHICK: Why hrm! wouldn't it hrm! be?

ASSISTANT: It might not be wise to tip your hand too soon. We want to be able to anticipate questions that others would raise.

CHICK: Oh, well hrm! I guess hrm! that's hrm! a good hrm! idea. {Assistant leaves. Chick walks over to a punching bag in the corner of the room and lightly paws at it. Chick walks back to his desk and slumps in his chair.}

DESMOND: So what's the problem? Chick actually does something for once. Apples gone. Death gone. Happy ending. I'm going home now.

DAVIES: An excellent idea. You really should change before going to cabinet.

DESMOND: I should? I'm properly attired aren't I?

DAVIES: Difficult to participate in a cabinet meeting, while you're incorporeal isn't it?

DESMOND: So, how do I handle that?

DAVIES: Just go home and change clothes. {Davies winks out. Desmond walks to the door and attempts to open it, his hand passing through the door knob.}

DESMOND: Dammit! {The door bursts off it's hinges falling on Desmond, pinning him to the ground. Gizmo, from Gremlins is wearing an Edmonton Eskimos football helmet. Gizmo does a back flip landing on the door.} Ow. {Whistle blows. Cut to Ron and Don.}

RON: Ooh! And Coharsky has called back the Edmonton Goal.

CHERRY: Geez, I tell ya... Wait... This is a football game. {Coharsky walks in blows whistle, makes motion for slashing. Kim runs on with a hockey stick. Interior: Cabinet Office. The cabinet is in conference.}

GORDON: And that's why I am continuing to wear the bow tie.

STEVENS: It all makes so much sense now.

LAURIER: I for one get a far better idea of what kind of an individual you are as a result of that story.

TECUMSEH: What an interesting and rich life you live Mister Gordon.

CHICK: Of course hrm! but I really must insist on consideration of hrm! my proposal to eliminate apple cyanide.

DAVIES: I for one think it is a most courageous policy.

KING: I as well, kill it.

DESMOND: Come on now, gentlemen, this is an excellent idea. There has never been such an ideal opportunity to save lives. Surely this would be a great triumph for the Safety ministry.

PIERRE: Indeed it would... and don't call me Zucker.

DESMOND: ... O... kay?

PIERRE: At any rate I feel that you do raise some civil liberties concerns in eliminating the one method that people have of ending their own lives should they choose to do so.

CHARLOTTE: Also, there are times you might want to kill someone. {Pierre looks under table to see Charlotte jotting on a note pad.} Please, continue. {Charlotte is pushed out of Cabinet office.} Damn. I forgot my tape recorder. The batteries will probably be dead by the time I get it back. {Cut back to cabinet office.}

POWER: Well, Prime Minister, I wonder what the political implications might be about the eradication of the apple. You're going to offend a lot of tradtionalist types. They'd say we were turning our backs on God and such.

DESMOND: I should think turning down heaven would have been rejection enough.

POWER: I didn't say that traditionalists were very bright.

CHICK: hrm! I do believe that I am living up to my remit as Minister of hrm! Safety.

DAVIES: I, for one, would like to hear what the security minister has to say about this. {Cut to Hacker in a Prison Cell. Sitting next to him is a big blue newt.}

HACKER: Quit eye balling me!

NEWTON: I killed a horse. I can kill you.

HACKER: Homina homina homina homina. {Cut back to Cabinet Office.}

JOHN A: Well I am only Gorffwysfan Deputy Prime Minister, and not a newt at all, but Chick, I really do think that this policy needs more consideration. I mean, what would happen if someone managed to stockpile all the apples before we got to them. That'd be like getting rid of the bomb. Except someone would still have it. And we wouldn't know who.

PIERRE Thoughts from anyone else?

LOUIS: {Looking through empty loop of plastic} I see Pierre and William and Wilfrid and Richard and Robertson and Sinclair and John and... John and Charles and Tecumseh and Desmond and Walter and a tape recorder and Hal and Joanne {Pull back from Louis to show that he's wearing a track suit.}

PIERRE: You really do need to leave.

KING: This policy needs a well sharpened axe.

DESMOND: Agreed! We should start cutting down apple trees today!

KING: That's not what I was talking about.

PIERRE: R.B. You've been very quiet... Anything to say?

BENNETT: I... like... this proposal prime minister, but unfortunately There's too much at stake politically. I for one would stake my reputation on such a meaty plan, but with the balance of power in a well marbled parliament, one that has definitely been aged more than 21 days and at this point is quite tender and delicious... at stake I feel that we really need to put the stake to it now before Diefenbaker and the Black and Whites make steak tartar out of us. {Looks around nervously.} I need to leave for a minute! {Runs outside to a phone booth.} Hello, Al? I'm feeling really tempted right now. {Split screen the phone to Weird Al Yankovic.}

WEIRD AL: Just relax and know that vegetables are healthier. {Puts on a CD.}

MUSIC: I lost on jeopardy baby {Cut back to cabinet office.}

DESMOND: That raises an interesting point, prime minister. I'm fairly sure that my colleagues would be more comfortable meeting the house with a Security Minister as it's not a brief that the electorate is accustomed to seeing you carry.

PIERRE: Well, perhaps you're right on that account. I need some time to consider who I would invite into cabinet to handle such a... sensitive brief... {Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Kim is riding a Newgrounds tank and wearing a blue helmet with her broach on the front.}

KIM: Wow, those hygiene product ads were right! {Tank fires. Interior: Lightheart music. Gordon Lightfoot is sitting on a stool about to begin playing guitar and singing. The wall explodes. Kim is now speaking through bull horn.} Gordon Lightfoot! Put the guitar down and come out with your hands up and a can of (Insert name of sponsor) body spray! {Interior: Ministry of Safety. Chick is at his desk going over papers. There is a knock at the door.}

CHICK: hrm! Come in. {Door Opens, Trudeau enters}

PIERRE: Chick, how's the department?

CHICK: Oh, just fine hrm! I was hoping to have them cutting down trees hrm this afternoon, but hrm! I under hrm! stand. That's how cabinet hrm! works.

PIERRE: If you call that working.

CHICK: Well, there's a hrm! lot of effort that goes into what they hrm! we do.

PIERRE: Yes, and you can see how we have a lot on our plate as it is...

CHICK: Oh. I uh... hrm! I see.

PIERRE: Yes, this proposal raises too many awkward questions for the government and so, we're going to have to hoist the whole thing.

CHICK: Prime Minister hrm! I really must protest.

PIERRE: Now, Chick I know how concerned you are with the nation's safety and security.

CHICK: But hrm! I'm just the Safety Minister. Security's not... Oh. hrm! Well, Prime Minister... Pierre hrm! I won't hrm! let you down.

PIERRE: I hadn't thought you would. Have a good day Chick. {Pierre walks out. Chick gets up, packs his briefcase. Interior: Parliamentary bar. Chick enters, sits down at bar, opens menu.}

BARTENDER: Tough day then? {Pregnant pause as Chick stares blankly at the menu.} Well, at any rate I'll leave the keys if you'll lock up when you're done. {Exterior: Realm and Message. Interior: Newsroom Berton is talking with Smitty.}

BERTON: So then I tell him, I just want a cranberry bran muffin, nothing fancy, no coffee.

SMITTY: If you don't want the muffin I'll have it.

BERTON: I really should have half of it at any rate. {Smitty starts up his chain saw harm and lowers it to the muffin. The muffin flies off the desk and goes splat against the wall.} What do you know? He put raisins in it.

CHARLOTTE: Don't you two have any actual news to cover... or fabricate?

SMITTY: Dames! {Smitty is attacked by a rabid possum.}

BERTON: Now you've gone and upset bitey.

CHARLOTTE: I'm going home. You continue running your paper into the ground.

BERTON: What are you talking about?

CHARLOTTE: I'm not going to dignify that with a response.

BERTON: Like the one you just made?

CHARLOTTE: Damn. {Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond is walking up to the doorway.}

DESMOND: Ah, home non-exploded home. Time to get a good night's sleep. {Cloaked figure shows up.} Look, I'm really tired. Can we do this tomorrow, say threeish? {Close up on cloak}

CLOAK: Yeah sure. Not like I really have anything better to do anyw- hurk! {Cloak has been stabbed by Desmond.} Ah well, live by the stab die by the stab. {Cloak collapses.}

{End Credits}

{Interior: Parliamentary bar. Chick still sitting reading menu. Lights go off.}

CHICK: This is just pathetic... whoever heard of grated cheese going around pretending to be poutine?