Episode 21: To Spend, Perchance to Run a Deficit.

Major Characters: Desmond Collins, John Diefenbaker, Charlotte, Kim Campbell, John A Macdonald.

Minor Characters: Ninja, Max Aitken, Drew the Dove, Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Horatio Sanz, Captain Eric Drebbin.
{Opening credits}

{Close up on Desmond.}

DESMOND: What so soon? Usually there's a grace period of some sort! {Pull back. Desmond is in Diefenbaker's talking to Dief.}

DIEF: Well, Jug-head, I have to close now. I've got to get ready to demolish your government in question period tomorrow.

DESMOND: But Dief, where will I go? What will I do?

DIEF: First thing is never ask a question to which you do not already know the answer. Beyond that I don't give Aid-vice to my political opponents, whether or not they're one of my best customers. Pleasant dreams.

DESMOND: Maybe I will Dief. Maybe I will...

DIEF: That's all you got right now?

DESMOND: Pretty much, yeah.

DIEF: Just go to bed okay?

DESMOND: Oh, I'll go to bed alright... Go to bed... forever! {Pause.} Damn! {Interior: Desmond's apartment. Desmond is wearing ridiculous old timey pajamas, drinking a glass of warm milk. Walks past a well used dartboard with a picture of Matt Wilson taped to it. Cut to Desmond in bed with covers on them. Desmond closes eyes. A loud thud is heard. Desmond awakens with a start. Ninja is standing at the door frame which has been damaged as the door has been kicked out.}

NINJA: My entry has been flawless. {Cut to Ninja in the hallway talking to Max who is covered in flour and holding chains.}

MAX: But, you see, you've not only, caused property damage, but you've woken, Desmond Collins, the individual, that I, am trying to convince, to axe the, social housing proposal, which, would undoubtedly, weaken my stranglehold, on the Gorffwysfan economy. {Cut back to apartment view.

NINJA: I vanish like the wind! {Throws down smoke bomb. Smoke sets off smoke detector. Crashing noises are head.} That's gonna leave a mark! {Glass breaking. Dull thud. Max enters the apartment, lamely rattling chains.}

MAX: Woo woo, woo woo, I am a ghostly apparition, your former business partner...

DESMOND: Jacob Marley?

MAX: Jacob, Marley.

DESMOND: I never worked with a Jacob Marley.

MAX: Rumple, crapface?

DESMOND: Hoygenflagel?

MAX: Ben Silver, Stein?

DESMOND: Ben you rat bastard! How've you been?

MAX: I'm dead.

DESMOND: Yeah, that's great. Anyway good to see you! We'll go on a pub crawl! Well, there's really only one pub... and it's locked... but we can Jimmy the door and get discovered drunk the next morning... come on!

MAX: I would, but, as you can see, I am cursed to wander, for all eternity, due to my evil deeds.

DESMOND: Ben! What ever did you do?

MAX: I intervened, in the economy.

DESMOND: That doesn't sound bad.

MAX: And that's why tonight you will be visited by three spirits.

DESMOND: So just the one more then?

MAX: Come, again?

DESMOND:  Well there's you, and Gin. So that's two spirits thus far. One more to go.

MAX: No, there will be ghosts. Three more, ghosts, will visit you and, educate you, as to the error of, your ways.

DESMOND: All right then. Can I get some sleep now?

MAX: Yeah, sure. {Interior: Charlotte's apartment. Charlotte is typing away furiously at her key board. Drew is sitting on her shoulder. The camera pulls away as in a crane shot revealing on the screen the words "Radical Moderate Studios" Trumpets swell.}

KIM: Some of us were sleeping.

CHARLOTTE: Right. Sorry. {Cut to Kim in bed, tastefully attired. Fade to dream sequence. Kim is wearing a red power suit and chasing K broach with a hammer.}

KIM: It's time you were blunted you pointy little bastard! {Broach runs over a power dot and Becomes very large. Kim's suit turns blue.} Oh shit. {Kim turns and runs. Broach stabs her in the back and all disappears except Kim's eyes. 200 appears where her shoulder would have been. Broach then runs over a copy of Hansard. 100 appears.} I was reading that! Eyes squeeze together, and pick up hammer. Eyes then smash broach with hammer.} Now you see. {Ninja comes on screen.}

NINJA: Good one. {Fade out. Kim is in bed smiling. Interior Desmond's apartment. Door is still broken off hinges. Horatio Sanz enters apartment wearing Margaret Thatcher wig and giggling.}

SANZ: Dude! I'm fat Jimmy Morrison! {Desmond wakes with a start.}

DESMOND: The ghost of government interventions past! What brings you here.

SANZ: Old time rappin!

DESMOND: Then let's party to the break of break of dawn! {Sanz grabs Desmond's hand and they leap out the window, floating gracefully. They both then plummet to ground, Desmond plummeting first. A loud thud is heard. Interior: John A's apartment: John A is sleeping in a bed shaped like a race car.}

JOHN A: {Mumbling.} Your lordship the accused was eating {grumbles} cakes... Fig Newtons? Damn. {Cut back to Desmond crumpled under Sanz.}

DESMOND: I see now. The new deal diminished hardships endured during the great depression, but it was still bad.

SANZ: {Like a 5 year old} Did you know there were two presidents Roosevelt?

DESMOND: Yes! And I'm pretty sure they both fought crime. {Cut to black screen.}

ANNOUNCER: In a nation where poverty and despair ruled. Only two men fought for the little guy... Detective, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Commissioner of Police, Theodore Roosevelt. Taking out the trash on the tough streets of New York City. Together they were R&R! {Title sequence of Funk guitar playing as FDR chases down a purse snatcher in a wheel chair. Caption: Frank, "Wheels" Roosevelt. Cut to Theodore Roosevelt in an alley surrounded by three toughs. Roosevelt produces a bugle and blows so loudly that the toughs are thrown toe the ground. Close up on Roosevelt cuffing one of the assailants. Caption: Theodore, "The Hill" Roosevelt. The two are then engaged in conversation at a desk and throw their heads back in laughter. Logo: R&R: Getting presidential on crime's ass. Interior: Precinct office. FDR is at his desk typing while smoking a cigarette through a filter. Theodore bursts in.}

THEO: Detective Roosevelt! The Boston Strangler has been spotted on the upper-lower-north-eastern-south-central-inner-uptown-mid-grand-banks-garment-district... The one in the Bronx!

FDR: Let's roll. {FDR Stands bolt upright and jumps over the desk, raising arms in triumph. Long pause as Theodore looks at FDR in shock.} Thank you bow flex. {Cut to New York street. Diefenbaker is polishing a spot on the General Brock. FDR runs out on to street. Jumps in drivers side through window.} Police emergency! We're commandeering this car! Commissioner! {Theodore runs out and jumps in through other window shattering window. Getting caught in window frame and pulling door out of car. Theodore rips door in half extricating himself. Both drive off. Diefenbaker grabs remnant of door and begins to polish it. Cut to head on view of FDR and Theo speeding in car. FDR grabs portable light, putting it on roof of car.}

THEO: One thing puzzles me Frank...

FDR: What's that Ted?

THEO: What was a Canadian Prime Minister doing with a mobile police light?

FDR: But... Don't bother me with silly questions while I'm driving. {Cut to side view of car. It is stuck in mid town traffic and inching forward.}

THEO: Look! The Boston Strangler! He's headed into that building!

FDR: Which one?

THEO: The abandoned garment factory with the machines still plugged in and in perfect working order as well as a full stock of materials!

FDR: Damn! That could be anywhere! Wait! There he is! Come on! {FDR jumps out Driver's side window. Theodore jumps out drivers side door too, tearing it out of the frame in the process. Both run off screen. Interior: Garment factory with machines running. FDR and Theodore burst in. Shots ring out.}

THEO: Get down! {FDR ducks and returns fire. Ducks back down as shots ring out.}

FDR: Give it up Strangler! You're out of your element.

THEO: And thus... er... bad sir... we have nothing to fear but fear itself! {Theodore gets up. Slips and falls.} Augh! I slipped on this tea bag.

FDR: And after stealing my best line too. I'd call that a tea bag of justice. {Theodore jumps to feet and roundhouse kicks a sewing machine in anger.} I just realized. We're surrounded with thread and fighting the Boston Strangler.

BOTH FDR and THEO: Awwwwww shiiiiiiiii{Both run out of building proceeded by a giant fireball. Cut to exterior of office of Captain Erik Drebbin.}

ERIC: I've had it with your ridiculous antics Roosevelt! You blew up the Garment factory and two Statues of liberty! Internal affairs wants me to hand them your livers on a platter with some kidney beans and a nice chianti! And I don't think the mayor's Corgi will ever be the same after that full cavity search!

THEO: Listen captain we can explain...

ERIK: I don't want to hear it! One more idiotic display like you two just pulled and I'll bust your ass down to Chief of Police! You two gun happy cowboys hear me?

FDR: All I hear is some big shot desk jockey as backed up as the Hoover Dam with an oversized prostate and issues about his more prestigious brother.

ERIK: That is it! Roosevelt! Roosevelt! Hand in your badges! {They do so} And your guns! {they do} And officer Miranda! {They produce a pretty blond in a beat cop uniform and place her on the desk.} Now leave! You're suspended! {Both trudge out of the office. Spinning Gorffwysfa Post: "Boston Strangler still at large. Gun registry useless" Gorffwysfa Sun: "Be Afraid. Be very Afraid." Gorffwysfa Realm and Message: "Gorffwysfan news drought continues. Eric still jobless." Cut to FDR and THEO driving the General Brock. The passenger side of the roof is completely missing and the windshield is falling apart. Diefenbaker is in backseat polishing what's left of the roof.}

THEO: We are so nailing the strangler!

FDR: Hey! Let's not go nuts here. Captain Drebbin took our badges... and guns... and our eye candy too. We can't go charging about right now.

THEO: Dammit! {Punches out windshield. A woman shrieks.} That sounds like our strangler! {FDR rips out steering column, throws it over shoulder.}

FDR: No time to steer now. Going to drive on gut feeling! {R&R Theme music begins playing. General brock narrowly steers past two cars. Abruptly crashes into side of building, totaling the Brock. Music stops abruptly. Pull back to reveal sign: "Guiseppe and Skinner Empty Boxes and Fruit Stands Inc." Cut to Sanz sitting on Desmond.

SANZ: No.

{End Credits}