Episode 20: The Homebuilder Proxy

Major Characters: Desmond Collins, John A Macdonald, John Diefenbaker, Charlotte, Pierre Trudeau, Mackenzie King, Donald Flemming, Mackenzie King, Chick Turner.

Minor Characters: Kaiser Wilhelm, Beerstar, Will Ferguson, Tecumseh, Louis Riel, Smitty, Don Cherry, Ron Maclean, RB Bennett, Sinclair Stevens.

Notable Absence: Drew the Dove.

{Exterior: Deifenbaker's, at night. Desmond is sauntering down the street wearing a Shattered Glasses jersey and clutching a beer bottle. On the back the jersey reads "Collins 80 (Proof)" Desmond is singing.}

DESMOND: You'll never beat Gorffwysfa. I wish I knew more words! {Desmond throws bottle. A crash sound is heard. John A walks up, puts a hand on Desmond's shoulder.}

JOHN A: All right lad, It's time to end the football victory celebration.

DESMOND: Football?

JOHN A: Come, let's get you too drunk to hurt anything.

DESMOND: Can I get a kebab?

JOHN A: I'm not promising that you can keep it down

DESMOND: Ya-Blargh! {Desmond vomits. Passes out.}

JOHN A: Hey look! A quarter. {John A walks off screen.}

{Opening Credits}

{Interior: Desmond's apartment, dawn. Desmond crawling across the floor. Cut to washroom. Desmond hauls himself up to get a look at himself in the mirror. A robot comes on.}

BEERSTAR: My name is Beerstar. I can put my liver back in. You can't. Drink safe. {Beerstar staggers off screen.} Oh crap, a bear! {Roaring and crunching metal sounds are heard.} Augh! My arm! How will I put my arm back on?!

DESMOND: Do you mind? I'm trying to have a hangover here! Ow. {Desmond slips and bangs head against the edge of the sink as he falls off screen.} I never realised how comfortable this floor is. {Interior: Diefenbaker's. A tumbling sound is heard off screen Desmond shuffles in wearing a bathrobe and a neck tie.}

DIEF: Beer, Almond?

DESMOND: Beer... pain!

JOHN A: Desmond! {Desmond turns.}

DESMOND: Gruh?

JOHN A: Good lord man, are you listening to yourself talk?

DESMOND: No. {Falls over.}

JOHN A: Dief, we're going to need a Tomato Clam cocktail... And possibly a shot of adrenaline... And maybe draft legislation on legalized euthanasia. {Interior: Charlotte's apartment. Top view of Charlotte's bed. Sun is peaking through the blinds showing Charlotte sleeping fitfully, wrapped up in her sheets and sleeping on her side.}

CHARLOTTE: {Murmuring.} Just go... but I... stay back... No! {Charlotte jerks her midsection back and curls into fetal position. She opens her eyes. First person view, she sees Drew offering her a cup of coffee.} And the nightmare continues. {Charlotte takes coffee from Drew. Takes a sip.} Mmm. The best thing to wake you up is avian byproduct intermingled with crappy homoginized coffee. {Pull back to reveal a hurt looking Tim Horton. Kim is creeping behind Tim with a hockey stick. Exterior: Gorffwysfa Mansion. An explosion blows out the first floor window. Interior. Pierre is using a fire extinguisher on the kitchen.}

PIERRE: That's certainly the last time I shall use Richard Pryor's milk and cookies recipe. Ah well, time for a delicious Edgar Montrose breakfast bar! {Pierre holds up a lit stick of dynamite. Exterior: Gorffwysfa mansion. Same window is blown out again. Exterior: Parliament. Exterior: Cabinet Office. Interior: Cabinet Office. The usual suspects are seated at the table, Hacker is absent as he is in prison.}

PIERRE: So, beginning with old business.

KING: With all due respect Prime Minister, I'd point out that the business of government is paralyzed thanks to the incredible incompetence of one minister. One minister who has ground work in his department to a halt. One minister who, while this government has been attempting to move forward with its program is sabotaged continually at every turn, be it utter incompetence in question period... {Cut to commons chamber.}

KAISER: The speaker recognizes the member for Hogtown-upper-suburb.

FLEMMING: Mister Speaker will the Minister of Infrastructure take it upon himself to cease the endemic incompetence, feather bedding, and gold bricking going on within, not only his department, but the entire government?

DESMOND: Yes. {Cut back to cabinet office.}

KING: And let's not forget about the sheer bloody mindedness and disrespect for collective decision making that he's shown for Cabinet with the Isaac Brock incident.

DESMOND: Yeah! Tecumseh, you crazy bastard, what the hell were you thinking. I'm glad Mack said it it's time for you to get out of Cabinet.

WILL FERGUSON: Right! And just fade quietly into the background? That's what you want isn't it? Americans out, French in, Natives gone!

TECUMSEH: Would you please leave now and cease to insinuate that the people that I've served in government with view me as anything but an equal?

WILL FERGUSON: But, but, my career! {Tecumseh hands Will Ferguson a map. Ferguson studies map.} Okay then. Will do! He. he. I crack myself up sometimes. Don't forget to buy my new book, Driving instruction from Cole Harbour!

DAVIES: Don't worry, we will. {Cut to exterior: Parliament buildings. Will walking outside.}

WILL FERGUSON: Wow, just thinking about what I'm going to achieve has me giddy! {Is run over by crumpled Studebaker, driven by Louis Riel. Louis gets out of car and is distraught at the crumpled Will Ferguson.}

LOUIS: Mrs. Smith! Don't worry, I have socialised medicine and Dennis will be back with the Shamrocks just as soon as you can say Wolsley! {Jumps back in car and backs over Will several times.}

WILL FERGUSON: This ow. Isn't ow. Help ow. Ing ow. {Cut back to Cabinet office.}

PIERRE: Well, Desmond, you've got thirty seconds to give the rest of cabinet a good reason not to expel you... from cabinet.

DESMOND: {Looking up from paperwork.} What's that? I was busy making out my rent cheque. Damn. It would be nice if Max Aitken didn't own all the apartments in this town.

CHICK: You hrm! rent from hrm! him too?

DESMOND: Well no, I have an apartment above Dief's, but that reporter Charlotte does. You know the one with the deep eyes that look like they've been through a world of hurt and those cheeks you just want to brush a tear away from, and those speed skater legs... Anyway, it's always crappy land lord this, destroy humanity that, why won't you leave me to my misery, yada, yada, yada. It's like I'm supposed to listen to her problems with the permanent structures required for the day to day transactions and economic activity. {King slaps forehead.}

PIERRE: Hmm, a social housing program to ensure an adequate supply of high quality houses... sounds good.

DESMOND: Houses are on the what now?

KING: Prime Minister, I must protest! This falls out of infrastructure and into social development.

PIERRE: Given Mr. Collins' impressive and unorthodox method of presentation, I'm inclined to say it's the purview of both departments. I'd like the two of you to put together a proposal and come back to cabinet next week. {Bell rings.} Well, at any rate we've got to get to question period. John A, you can handle the Infrastructure portfolio, I'll take Social Development. Our minister's will be spending a lot of time together over the next week. {All leave except Desmond and King.}

DESMOND: So, wanna go get loaded?

KING: No, you idiot. I want you to actually put some effort into your accidental proposal please. We're going for a non-alcoholic working lunch. And I'm ordering. {Cut to parliamentary bar. Desmond and King at a table eating salad.} So, what I'm thinking, since I've been stapled to your little pet project, is that we do something very hands off. A subsidy for new homes, that sort of thing, nothing too controversial, nothing too likely to get us into trouble if we screw up

DESMOND: But what about helping people, making government an active player in the betterment of people's day to day lives? I came in to government to accomplish things.

KING: Ah, yes... That feeling will soon pass.

DESMOND: But, Mackenzie...

KING: You've already invaded my department with this scheme you've pulled out of your arse. And believe me Collins, I'm no fan of interdepartmental collaborations. {Cut to Sinclair Stevens walking down hall with a sheaf of papers runs into Mackenzie King holding a sheaf of papers. Both fall. Papers go flying.}

KING: You got Justice in my Social Development

SINCLAIR: You got Social Development in my justice. {Sinclair takes a bite of sheaf of papers. King looks agog.} Hmm! {Bennett pops on}

BENNETT: Does it taste like steak?

SINCLAIR: More like the Port Hope conference {Chews thoughtfully.} With a dash of ultra vires for good measure.}

BENNETT: Damn. Well, I'm gonna go eat some steak! {Bennett walks off. Cut back.}

DESMOND: That went right over my head.

KING: And that's exactly the reason you should just be a good little minister about it and leave everything to me. The first thing you really need to know about bringing a new policy to cabinet is this: Do nothing by wholes that you can do by halves. Do nothing by halves that you can do by quarters. Much less messy. Much more measured. Desmond, would you be a dear and find a quarter?

DESMOND: But Mackenzie the need is for a whole loaf, not a quarter. Most of the homes that Max deals in are little more than 4 walls and a roof.

KING: I'll agree with you on the importance of the roof... {Silence. Ron MacLean walks by.} At any rate what are we going to do? The government is already shockingly deep in the red as it is. Where will we tell the people their money has gone?

DESMOND: Listen, your money's not here. It's in Joe's house... and Frank's house... {Desmond looks off screen.} I have this odd feeling that the colour scheme is wrong here. {Cut to interior: Dark basement in the parliament buildings. Colour scheme is black and white. Desmond is speaking to a silhouetted figure.} I suppose you know why I'm here... I'm not licked. But, more importantly, I know exactly how popular this plan will be if I can get it out to the public before King can bury it. Now, I'm not one to go about intentionally leaking Ministerial secrets so I figured it would be best to go with someone I knew well. Someone I could trust. You never know, this could be the beginning of something more than simply professional distance. But I'm really going to need you to come through on this one for me. I simply can't afford to be burned again. So, will you do it? {Reveal Smitty as the silhouetted figure.}

SMITTY: Gimme some sugar baby! {Desmond hands Smitty a file folder, and backs away. Cut to black background. Spinning Realm and Message: "King Gutting Audacious Social Housing Plan." Spinning Gorffwysfa Post: "Trudeau backs massive spending scheme." Side bar: "His Holiness, David Frum, keeps on moving. Pages A5,6,7,8,10" Spinning Gorffwysfa Sun: "Photo Radar Kills Kittens." Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Charlotte is sitting morosely with a pint of stout. John A... Well, he's always at the bar. Diefenbaker is pulling a pint. Desmond enters.}

DIEF: Well, Minister Disc-man... Care to comment on your newfound popularity?

DESMOND: You can't get me to answer any questions in the house, what makes you think I'll be any more cooperative in your bar?

DIEF: Free beer? {Dramatic close up on Desmond. Beads of sweat form on his forehead.}

DESMOND: Must... resist... power... of... beer... There! That's better! Now, where was I?

JOHN A: Making Diefenbaker's job ridiculously easy?

CHARLOTTE: Presiding over what may well be one of the greatest disasters of your precipitously short career, all while stabbing me in the back?

DIEF: Ooh! Ooh! Me now... Whore!

DESMOND: That's why I come here. The camaraderie that only a besotted master of the arcane, a pushy cynic, and a sworn political enemy with both eternal and non-existant memory can provide. I'm going home. {Desmond walks off screen. Walks back on screen.} Forgot that the entrance is inside. {Walks off other side of screen.}

DIEF: He's losing his mind.

JOHN A: And you're reaping all the benefits {Jon Lovitz pops on screen.}

LOVITZ: This stinks! {Lovitz off screen.}

CHARLOTTE: That's it, I'm leaving. {Charlotte walks out.}

DIEF: Another one, John?

JOHN A: What kind of an alchoholic do you take me for?

DIEF: Right, sorry.

JOHN A: I'll take the bottle. {Interior: Desmond's apartment. Desmond opens door, walks in. Collapses in armchair. Lets out a loud sigh. A telephone rings. Desmond picks up phone.}

DESMOND: Hello? {Split Screen with Trudeau in smoking jacket.}

TRUDEAU: Well, Mister Collins you think you're pretty smart don't you?

DESMOND: I thought the question of my intelligence had already been established.

TRUDEAU: As had I, but of course I'm the one who's got to go around nailing Cabinet leaks. {Screen compresses to include Sir Humphrey.}

HUMPHREY: Sorry, not my department, you'll want the Personal Private Secretary {Move to quartered screen with Bernard Wooley as 4th member.}

WOOLEY: So I says to Mabel, I says-

TRUDEAU: Do you two mind? I'm speaking in confidence with one of my ministers.

WOOLEY: Yes, Prime Minister. {Wooley produces a gun and shoots Humphey through the split screen. Wooley hangs up. Return to two person screen.}

TRUDEAU: Mister Collins, I don't know what your game is, but I have no idea why you've leaked this plan to the media.

DESMOND: Now, I'd hardly call that wrestling announcer media-

TRUDEAU: I am utterly out of patience! You picked an excellent time to have a flash of brilliance. Congratulations Mister Collins, you get your social housing program, but trust me, I'll be looking for the next pretext to have you out of cabinet! {Hangs up angrily. Screen returns to normal.}

DESMOND: Me too. {Pull away to reveal Kim perched on edge of couch.}

KIM: Me three. 

DESMOND: Gah! {Pounces on Desmond. Both fall off screen.}

DESMOND: You really need to work on your interpersonal skills... No, not the hockey stick!

{End Credits}

{Interior: Desmond's Apartment. Kim is beating Desmond with a hockey stick}

DESMOND: Come see the violence inherent in the system! {Cut to Ron and Don at desk}

CHERRY: That one count?

RON: No.

CHERRY: Beautiful!