Episode 18: 

Major Characters: Desmond, John Diefenbaker, Charlotte, Don Flemming, Robert Stanfield, Pierre Trudeau, John A. Macdonald, Chick Turner, Rene Levesque, Tommy Douglas, Agnes MacPhail, Mackenzie King, Goggles, General Hacker.

Minor Characters: Road worker, Tim Horton, Announcer, Don Cherry, Ron MacLean, Drew the Dove, Pierre Berton, RB Bennett, Dee Snyder.

{Exterior: Diefenbaker's. A road crew is piling asphalt on the street in front of Diefenbaker's. All is silent except for the scrape of shovel on loose asphalt. The sound of a car approaching is heard in the distance. Celtic music comes slowly and begins to swell.} 

WORKER: Car! {All begin to walk off to the side including Tim Horton carrying a hockey net on his shoulder. Cut to car. It is a blue racer with 57 in black ivy league font painted on the side and a Canadian red ensign on the top of the car. Cut back to Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Music hits it's crescendo. The car drives full bore into the pile of asphalt, and takes flight. Cut to front view of the car. Diefenbaker in the driver's seat and Desmond in the passenger seat both pump fists out the window as the car goes flying. Action freezes. Music pauses. All is silent and still.}

ANNOUNCER: And so the Dief brothers had stopped Boss Hack from stealing all the mud out of Waller's Ditch, and felt now was a fine time to kick back and put the General Brock though her paces if you know what I mean.

 {The car lands with a flurry of sparks in front of Lightheart Music, skips again, flies off the road and crumples around a tree. The wheezing of a spent bagpipe is heard as the Celtic music stops}

CHARLOTTE: {From off screen.} Hold on Desmond, I'm coming! {Charlotte, wearing cut off jeans, runs on to scene. produces camera, takes photo. Stops to think for a moment. Runs off. Comes back with full gas can. Interior: Parliamentary lobby. Don Flemming is talking to Stanfield.}

FLEMMING: Where the hell is Diefenbaker? Question period starts in five minutes. {A muffled explosion is heard in the distance.}

STANFIELD: Well at any rate there are 85 other opposition members... At least I think there are... {Looks confusedly at camera. Begins to open mouth.}

{Opening Credits}

{Interior: Gorffwysfa Mansion Study. Pierre is sitting in armchair with a glass of red wine.}

PIERRE: Gentlemen,  I was wondering where you got to. {Pan sideways.Desmond is wearing a T-shirt that says "I'm with blustering." Pan further sideways. Dief is wearing a T-shirt that says, "I was annoyed by Wayne and Shuster and all I got was this lousy joke." A buzzer sounds. Cut to stock footage of a standing ovation. Ron and Don commentate.}

RON: Well what an effort these players have given, an entire seven episodes without a fourth wall break. And they showed such discipline to start the episode too. Let's go back {Show the frame with the General Brock frozen in action in mid air.} And Don, you see here that there was an easy chance for Collins to argue with the announcer here. Given that Diefenbaker had nothing to do with the thrilling conclusion to last week's episode, this takes tremendous discipline for a central character who's trying to be seen as the voice of reason.

CHERRY: But like any good Kingston boy, he takes one for the team.

RON: Desmond's from Edmonton.

CHERRY: Can I finish now?

RON: Yeah, okay.

CHERRY: Alright! So then what does that franchise player Dief do. He gets caught on an equipment violation. And it was such a little one too Ron. You know at this point in the game I don't care what Coharsky says, let 'em keep playing. That guy, he uh... he... absolutely!

RON: Well alright Don. There you have it folks, the Gorffwysfa... Don, do they have a team name?

CHERRY: Absolutely {Gives thumbs up. Ron just looks at Don. Produces a bottle of rum from under the desk and opens it, pouring a glassful which he then downs immediately.}

RON: So if you folks at home have any ideas for what to name the Gorffwysfan team, let us know and we'll send the winner of our contest season tickets to whatever sport it is they play. I'm guessing hockey, but then it's a little too warm for hockey. {Cut to Exterior: Gorffwysfan Parliament, which is immediately covered under a thick blanket of snow. Cut back to study.}

DESMOND: Dammit! Dief, you're digging the general out! I'm going home, underdressed thanks to you.{Desmond walks out.} 

DIEF: Well, I can't dig out the General now. I've got to get back to the bar. Besides, the General isn't going anywhere. {Interior: Diefenbaker's. John A, Desmond, Dief is tending bar. Charlotte enters, Drew on shoulder as always.}

CHARLOTTE: Hi John, how's my most difficult to scoop politician?

JOHN A: I don't think that it would be wise at this juncture to tip my hand to those that do not have the best interests of Gorffwysfa at heart.

CHARLOTTE: {Similtaneously} No comment.

CHARLOTTE: {After John A is finished.} Damn.

DESMOND: Well, there's someone you can't get any dirt on.

CHARLOTTE: No. I suppose I'll have to settle for getting shrapnel from a gas tank on you.

DIEF: More through the kidneys to be precise.

DESMOND: Viva immortality!

JOHN A: Reckless driving still doesn't make for favourable coverage.

DESMOND: Oh, I had the Infrastructure boys set that ramp up and clear the street. Nobody was getting hurt there thanks to my use of public funds for personal reasons... {Charlotte looks aghast at Desmond. Diefenbaker buries his head in his hands. John A slurps from a drink. Long pause.} So, Charlotte, any scuttlebutt on who the next infrastructure minister will be.

CHARLOTTE: Not... yet.

DESMOND: Aha! Press: Zero. Politicians-

JOHN A: Minus one. {Drew shivers and begins eying the room nervously, flies off Charlotte's shoulder and smacks into the door. Drew then drags a chair over to the door. Hops up on the chair seat. And using himself as a fulcrum smashes the door to smithereens with the chair. Drew then exits.}

DIEF: {To Charlotte} That's going on your tab. {Exterior: Realm and Message. Interior: Newsroom. Pierre Berton is sitting down with a bong shaped like a Maple Leaf. Charlotte runs in to the news room.}

CHARLOTTE: Stop the presses! We've got a career destroying story!

BERTON: Charlotte, this is why we have deadlines. You'll just have to wait until tomorrow to destroy Chick Turner's career.

CHARLOTTE: {Checking notebook.} Why would you think that Chick Turner had done anything stupid? Why would you think that Chick Turner had done anything at all? {Cut to Chick and Desmond sitting at parliamentary bar. Tommy Douglas and Rene Levesque are eyeing Chick who is nervously and continually clearing his throat.}

TOMMY: It's been 2 hours Desmond, I would suggest that you order.

RENE: D'Accord! Chick! Just order the usual!

TOMMY: Chick, now is not the time to tip your hand. Now Desmond, you must be ready to order.

BENNETT: {Offscreen} Get the steak!

DESMOND: I'll have... the clubhouse... with salad!

BENNETT: Damn!

RENE: Merde! {Rene opens up wallet and hands a bill to Tommy. Cut back to newsroom. Smoke is clouding the room. Charlotte and Pierre Berton are both leaning way back in thier desk chairs.}

BERTON: So I wanted you to write our lead editorial.

CHARLOTTE: I'm totally on it. {Charlotte straightens chair, slides over to desk, and begins typing. One. Letter. At. A. Time. Cut to black background. Spinning National Post lands. "Rifts developing in Trudeau - Macdonald Coalition." Spinning Sun lands: "Trudeau a L...i[a]r: Bing Floating Realm and Mail lands: "Neil Young is Totally Awesome. Editorial: At the back." Interior: Diefenbaker's. The troika is there Pierre Berton enters.}

BERTON: Gentlemen, we certainly dodged a bullet last night.

DESMOND: Shh! We're trying to think of a name for the Gorffwysfa torm... Team. Sorry, frog in my throat. Frogs? No, that doesn't work. Can I get a cup of hot tea Dief?

DIEF: {Distractedly.} Yeah, sure Daisy. How about the Gorffwysfa Tea bags? {Long pause.}

JOHN A: No. {All relax as if the scene had ended. Desmond snaps back with a start.}

DESMOND: Or how about the Fighting Generals!

JOHN A: More like the crumpled generals.

DIEF: John, you're over reacting. After we pound the General a few times with a hammer, there won't be any more problems.

DESMOND: That reminds me, have you dug the General out of what must be a half ton of snow by now?

DIEF: I couldn't get a spare moment.

BERTON: Well, I'd be glad to tend bar for you.

DIEF: Deal! {Throws apron at Berton. Jumps over bar, lands on goomba, crushing it for 200 points.} Sucker! I'm going ice fishing! {Runs outside. Exterior: Diefenbaker's: Diefenbaker drives past in perfectly restored General Brock. Honks horn which plays 'Oh Canada.' Interior: Diefenbaker's.}

DESMOND: Damn! He still didn't dig out the General! {Cut to interior of a prison cell packed wall to wall with snow. General Hacker's arm is sticking out, flailing wildly.}

BERTON: Desmond, beer? {Desmond flings full beer glass over head which crashes in the background.} I'm going to put that on Charlotte's tab.

DESMOND: That's it!

BERTON: Putting the beer on Charlotte's tab?

DESMOND: That too, but I have the name for Gorffwysfa's team!

JOHN A: The beers?

DESMOND: No, that's been done. The shattered glasses!

BERTON: Well the Gorffwysfa Shattered Glasses certainly rolls off the tongue.

RON: {Off screen and booming.} Indeed it does! {All look around worriedly.} We have a winner in our name the Gorffwysfa team contest. Desmond Collins! You've won season tickets for three to the Gorffwysfa Shattered Glasses!

DESMOND: And I know just who I'm bringing with me! Charlotte and Rene! {Berton and John A look crestfallen.} what sport do they play anyway? {Cut to Dief driving the General Brock.}

CHERRY: {From the trunk.} Football! Yeah! None of that pansy tree downs stuff either! Real gripping 1-1 matches! And watch for my new DVD {Cherry's fist and forearm burst through the trunk grasping shard of a DVD.} Head 'em, Kick 'em Five! {Cut back.}

RON: What? It's spacious!

DESMOND: So when do they play anyway?

RON: Tonight!

DESMOND: But we got a foot of snow.

RON: That's right, it's snow bound soccer night in Gorffwysfa!

DESMOND: Hey, John A, want tickets to a football match?

JOHN A: That's just fine Desmond, you take your youthful and chain smoking friends with you and watch that game at the stadium that none of us have ever bothered to notice before.

{Exterior: Domed Stadium. Close up on entrance way. Desmond, Charlotte, and Rene approach stadium.}

DESMOND: At least the stadium has a retractable dome in the event of inclement weather. {Interior: Stadium. Ground and stands are covered with a foot of snow.}

TIM HORTON: Oh, you mean we should close the dome when it snows. So simple now.

RENE: Well, we get what we pay for. {Three sit down in front row.}

DESMOND: Well, we're lucky we were able to get such good seats! {Pull back to reveal empty stands.}

CHARLOTTE: You get that one free, because you invited us.

ANNOUNCER: And introducing your Gorffwysfa Shattered Glasses!

DESMOND: Yeah!

RENE: Allons-y!

CHARLOTTE: Go hypothermia. {Players come on in typical soccer uniform.}

ANNOUNCER: At Goal: Goggles "Really fast kid!"  Playing Centre Back: Mackenzie, "The Table" King! Playing Sweeper: Louis, "Crazy Brains" Riel. {Riel is wearing a speedo and swimming cap.} At Fullback: "The twisted sisters" Agnes MacPhail and Dee Snyder! Our Centre Midfielder: Tommy "bee line" Douglas! Our winger: Robert, "Butter fingers" Stanfield!Our Striker: "Killer" Kim Campbell. And some other ones! They are your two thousand (mumbling) Gorffwysfa Shattered Glasses! {Cut to stands. All three are asleep.}

{End Credits}

{Cut to parliamentary restaurant. Chick is sitting reading the menu. The lights go off.}