Episode 17: Brockonning

Major Characters: Desmond Collins, Davie Fulton, Chick Turner, John Diefenbaker, Rene Levesque,Charlotte, Goggles, John A Macdonald, General Hacker, Kim Campbell.

Minor Characters: Assistant, Worker, Neil Young, Johnny Wayne, Frank Shuster, Don Newman, Drew the Dove, Kaiser Wilhelm, Pierre Berton, Smitty, Robertson Davies, Tecumseh, Isaac Brock.

{Exterior: Parliament buildings. Exterior: Ministry of Infrastructure. Interior: Ministry of Infrastructure. Desmond is arguing with his assistant.}

ASSISTANT: Sir, please, I beseech you, wouldn't you rather have an experienced deputy work with you on this?

DESMOND: I told you I don't want any more discussion on this. We're going to be promoting from within the department. I want the 5 best road-workers this department had in my office tomorrow morning to help me totally re-organise this department from the bricks up. {Cut to interior view of Door to Desmond's office (same set) Door opens revealing Desmond.} Gentlemen! Let's get, to... work? {Cut back to see five road workers leaning on normal size pencils.}

WORKER: First suggestion. Longer pencils.

{Opening credits}

{Interior: Commons Chamber}

KAISER: The speaker recognizes the wanna-be demagogue for Big Smoke Wormwood.

FULTON: Mister Speaker, would the Honourable infrastructure minister be so kind as to take a respite from his aggressive programme of rank incompetence so as to inform the house of his progress in reorganising his ministry to allow for greater transparency?

DESMOND: Mister Speaker, The premise upon which the honourable member across the way begins his question is so erroneous as to make the question unanswerable.

FULTON: Mister speaker, is the intent of the Minister to deflect questions of duly elected members of this house much longer?

DESMOND: I shall answer questions from any member, whether or not they will be satisfied is as much their affair as whether they are wearing pants. {Cut to Fulton, pantsless.}

KAISER: The speaker recognises the Honourable leader of the Opposition.

DIEF: Mister Speaker, is the justice minister intending to proceed with charges against CD Howe for the attempted murder of... pretty much everyone?

CHICK: hrm! Well, we uh hrm! have every hrm! intention of hrm! seeing that hrm! justice is done in hrm! htis case and hrm! incarcerating those res- hrm! responsible.

DIEF: Mister speaker, has the Justice Minster made any progress on this file whatsoever?

CHICK: Of hrm! course! Just the hrm! other day hrm! I hrm! opened it hrm!

KAISER: The speaker recognises the honourable member for L for Vendetta.

RENE: Mister Speaker, will the Culture Minister illuminate the house as to what exactly he will be doing with the authority granted him under the content act? {Is hit with falling boom mike.}

TECUMSEH: The first thing I will be doing is speaking with Desmond Collins about upgrading media equipment.

RENE: {Rubbing head} Mister Speaker, how will that provide separate Gorffwysfan content?

TECUMSEH: This house has asked me to make room for our artists, our singers, our storytellers. I will do just that.

{Exterior: Realm and Message: Charlotte is typing furiously at her desk. Drew, sitting on the desk, is wearing bandages on his head, and a card saying 'press' is sticking out from the bandages. Pierre Berton walks up.}

BERTON: So, how's our political scoopster doing today.

CHARLOTTE: I'll let you know when I see him. {A lanky brunette man in his mid-20's enters with a chainsaw for one arm, and brandishing a shotgun.}

BERTON: Smitty! Just the man I wanted to see! I need a three word review on that new who's who book!

SMITTY: {Cheezily} I've got three words for you right now: Clatu... Beratta... Woodshed!

CHARLOTTE: Are the two of you quite done dissolving into an endless circle of self-referentialism? Or would one of you like to play the snooty usher, while I, journalistic Jane of all trades, wrestle for ten thousand words about Tecumseh's answer in that accursed house... {flash of realisation} I hate you all. And give me back my press card! {Grabs card out of Drew's bandages}

BERTON: Fine then! What do you suppose he's up to?

CHARLOTTE: Well, if he's like any minister I've seen he wants to make his department the dumping ground for any and all new spending and is going to use the content act as a pretext. Of course, as a second possibility, he has higher motives than an administrative shell game.

BERTON: Megalomaniacal scheme to take over the country?

CHARLOTTE: Oh snap, I've just been Berton'd! And I was just guessing he was just trying to make iced Blackcurrant tea... Of course a coup you idiot!

{Interior: Infrastructure ministry. Close up on Desmond.}

DESMOND: A little to the left. And down... Come across now... there! {Pull back to reveal his assistant pulling a piece of paper, underneath a pen that Desmond is holding.} And that's my signature on the streamlining initiative.

ASSISTANT: Yes, minister.

DESMOND: So... I guess you're fired.

ASSISTANT: Back to tree planting and hitting on poorly drawn women for me. {Assistant leaves office. Tecumseh enters.}

DESMOND: Please, have a seat. {Tecumseh doesn't move.} Okay.

TECUMSEH: Sorry I was lost in thought for a moment {Takes seat at Desmond's desk.} So have you thought about what I have proposed?

DESMOND: I'll give you this much. It's flamboyant. It's simple. And I'd never see it coming.

TECUMSEH: So, are you with me.

DESMOND: I'm sure we can find the resources for this project in the middle of all this streamlining.

TECUMSEH: Of course, this must be kept between us two.

DESMOND: I would say that I have pledged transparency in all my actions to the house. That's the thing about being transparent though. You have a tendency to go unseen. We will move swiftly and without notice. {Interior: Library of Parliament. Goggles is, sitting quietly at a desk reading an oversized book. Charlotte enters, Drew, no longer attired, is on her shoulder.}

CHARLOTTE: Goggles, I need you to check the records of the infrastructure ministry from the last month for any unusual purchases.

GOGGLES: O... kay... {Goggles gets up and slowly begins to trudge off screen and then falls down before he can make it.} I'll... be... right... on... that.

CHARLOTTE: Are you okay?

GOGGLES: I've... just... been reading... Donald Flemming's memoirs, but... It's going really slowly. I mean the tedious details. I mean why-would-you-have-a-hissy-fit-about-your-fellow-cabinet-ministers-having-the-government-pay-for-coffee-at-cabinet-meetings-this-has-to-be-the-stupidest-thing-I've-ever-heard-of-I-mean-why-anybody-would-want-to-know-about... (yawn) bond... issues... {Collapses and begins sleeping.}

CHARLOTTE: Goggles? You okay. {Nudges him quietly.}

DAVIES: He's completely exhausted. I hope you're satisfied.

CHARLOTTE: I had nothing to do with this and I refuse to participate in your insane delusions any more.

DAVIES: A man can dream can't he? Do me a favour dear, and pick him up would you? He's going to want a lot of rest, so we'd best take him off to bed.

CHARLOTTE: Why me, I'm not his mother?

DAVIES: Because your friend can't carry a ten year old on his own if his life depended on it. {Interior: Desmond's apartment. Desmond is lying on the floor, prostrate.}

DESMOND: Hello? Hello? I put on the heavy jacket by mistake again! Can somebody help me up? John? Dief? Anybody? Horatio Sanz? {Cut back to Library. Charlotte is now cradling Goggles and walking with Robertson Davies.}

CHARLOTTE: You're making about as little sense as possible right now. Desmond carried me at least a mile.

DAVIES: Well, he's not head over heels for that jacket. {Charlotte is taken aback, then quickly regains her composure.}

CHARLOTTE: Oh, come off it. There's about a hundred to one guy to girl ratio here. If that's anything it's desperation... and a surprising tribute to human biology.

DAVIES: Be that as it may, you develop an eye for these things writing as many romantic sub-plots as I have. He's pining for you. This isn't about his natural urges, though those would sweeten the pot to a degree. And here we are. {They open a door which shows Goggles' room. Inside are political posters, which we pan around to, including the essential 'Come work with Me' Trudeau poster with Trudeau's head in Black and White relief and One Nation, with a black and white photo of a greying Diefenbaker, hands on hips, large, thick framed glasses on, addressing a large, respectful crowd. Charlotte lays Goggles down on his austere bed and pulls plain brown covers over him, brushing a loose strap from his face.}

CHARLOTTE: Cute kid.

DAVIES: He is cute.

CHARLOTTE: Look, I'd love to stay and stoke my maternal instincts but I've really got to research.

DAVIES: Very well. I suppose I can stay here and continue to bask in my own reflection. {Interior:: Prime Minister's office. Pierre is wearing a black suit and sunglasses. Hacker is in the room with him}

PIERRE: After the Howe incident I don't want to have any more covert actions occur without my knowledge.

HACKER: That's exactly why I'm coming to you now sir. There's something very big going on with Collins and Tecumseh. I think they may be planning to subvert the government.

PIERRE: That's bad.

HACKER: But there may simply be some culture related infrastructure project that they're beginning to flesh out.

PIERRE: That's good.

HACKER: Then again, they may simply may be creating an artful facade for future obfuscation of the collective governance responsibilities of those on the treasury benches. {Long pause} That's bad.

PIERRE: Can you go now?

HACKER: Not yet sir. I need your signature on this order in council authorizing the Security ministry to conduct searches on Collins' and Tecumseh's offices.

PIERRE: Very well. {Close up on Pierre.} A little to the left. {Scraping noises.} Behind you now. {Pull out to reveal that Hacker is pushing and pulling the desk, while Pierre sits still holding a pen against the relevant paper. Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Interior: Diefenbaker's. John A is as always at the bar. Diefenbaker is tending bar. Desmond walks in.}

DIEF: Houseplant! How does life find you today?

DESMOND: Just fine, Chief.

JOHN A: I'd wonder for just how long that might be true. Pierre's looking for you and... You know, maybe it's best if Dief didn't hear this.

DIEF: Certainly gentlemen. I understand completely. {Dief flicks a switch and a large, clear, plastic apparatus, resembling a barbell with spherical ends, lowers from the ceiling and settles on the heads of John A and Desmond. Voices are now echoing}

DESMOND: This is a really cumbersome device. And Dief just looks out of place from here.

JOHN A: Never mind that. Pierre thinks you've got something planned that will shake this government to the core and he's out for your head.

DESMOND: I know he's frustrated, but I'd sooner learn how to make soup.

JOHN A: No, Desmond.

DESMOND: Though I wouldn't want to be accused of having double standards what with the whole Kim/Charlotte match makery.

JOHN A: Would you be quiet! Say, where is Kim anyway? {Cut to Wayne and Shuster studio. Wayne and Shuster are sitting in the stands and Kim is at a podium.}

KIM: And that is the reason that I postulated upon the difficulty of having such a discussion in fourty three days time... Say how long have I been here anyway?

SHUSTER{Exasperatedly}: About a week.

WAYNE: Please, Ms. Campbell. We can't take all this context. We're satirists! Do you know what it would do to us if we actually bothered to discover the reasoning behind non-sensical comments? {Cut to Wayne and Shuster sitting behind newsdesk.}

SHUSTER: Good evening. I'm Frank Shuster, welcome to the broadcast.

WAYNE: And now for a humorous look at the news we go to that wacky comedian, Don Newman.

{Cut to Don Newman on Wayne and Shuster stage.}

NEWMAN: Julie, don't go. {Interior: Library of parliament. Charlotte is poring over ledgers. Drew is on shoulders.}

CHARLOTTE: {Unexcited} Aha. Once again, I have discovered the secret plan of the minister of infrastructure which would have been so ingeniously hidden had he bothered not to keep notes on his scheme and place them in this out of the way dusty library where no one would think to research. {Drew puts on shades.} Sigh. Let's roll. {Cut to clearing in wooded area. There is a very large (About the size of Diefenbaker's) object draped with a white sheet. Desmond is tinkering with the object and is partly obscured by the sheet. Tecumseh is standing beside him.}

TECUMSEH: Desmond, is it ready?

DESMOND: Just another couple connections and this country won't know what hit it.

CHARLOTTE: I hope you don't mind if I watch the show.

DESMOND: {Shrieking} What the crap?!

CHARLOTTE: I know all about what the two of you are cooking up.

TECUMSEH: Well, then it is clear that we must stop you before you tell anyone.

CHARLOTTE: Why would I tell anyone?

DESMOND: It's what you do.

CHARLOTTE: I think I'd rather let this pack of unimaginative idiots be good and surprised. Besides, I really respect the ingeniousness of your plan. After the day that CD Howe tried to blow up parliament you had everything you needed. {Cut to Desmond poring over a binder in his office.}

DESMOND: Finally! It's all come together... {Brandishes Hockey card} Eddie Shore makes the complete Edmonton Eskimos collection! {A Chinese Junk crashes through the wall} Right! Normie Kwong! {Cut back to clearing.}

CHARLOTTE: Well, nothing left to do, but flip that switch and let the show begin.

DESMOND: Not all the actors are in place yet though.

HACKER: Stop right there Collins!

DESMOND: General Hacker! So nice of you to drop... in... he he.

HACKER: Sorry?

DESMOND: Right, wooded area. No trap doors. Anyhow. It's time to light this candle {Hacker draws gun on Desmond. Tecumseh charges at Hacker. Hacker fires. Tecumseh stands stunned. long pause.}

TECUMSEH: You shot... Isaac Brock. {Brock stumbles forward, wearing red uniform, out of clearing clutching at a chest wound and falls on the object pulling the sheet down to reveal a large stage and backdrop. Hacker is aghast.}

BROCK: Don't mind me, really. I'm fine. Old soldiers don't die they. {Brock Dies.}

DESMOND: What an ignoble end for the man who saved Canada from the American invasion of 1812.

TECUMSEH: And it's a shame about Isaac Brock getting shot too.

HACKER: But, the stage... why?

TECUMSEH: You asked for a safe place to tell our stories, to make our art. That is what we have built.

BROCK: Yeah, idiot! {Dies again.}

CHARLOTTE: Now I don't know which story to write. Content bill used to build stage. Isaac Brock Murdered. Hacker going to prison for the murder of Isaac Brock. Decisions, decisions. {Pan sideways to see Neil Young looking at Charlotte with Puppy Dog eyes.} Dammit.

{End Credits}