Episode 16: The Drewbacca Defense

Major Characters: Kim Campbell, John Diefenbaker, John A Macdonald, Desmond Collins, Julian Byng.

Minor Characters: Drew the Dove, Police Office, Bailiff, RB Bennett, Jack La Lane, Justice Dave Barry, Bull.

{Opening Credits}

{Interior: Charlotte's apartment. Kim is sitting in an overstuffed armchair holding a drink. There is a knock on the door.}

KIM: Please, come in. It's not locked. {The door opens, revealing a figure shrouded in shadow.} Somehow I knew you'd come back. That even after all that we went through it wouldn't be over and done with that easily. What's that they always say, the pizza delivery guy always rings twice. {Shadowy figure steps forward, revealing Diefenbaker holding a paper bag.}

DIEF: At any rate I'm delivering a hamburger and fries, and I knocked. Once.

KIM: Right.

DIEF: 8 dollars.

KIM: You know, it's times like these when I get really philosophical about the nature of retribution and payment for past deeds.

DIEF: 8 dollars.

KIM: And it's then, when I begin to wonder. Am I really responsible for my actions, am I able to decide for myself what I want?

DIEF: 8 dollars. 

KIM: I mean how is a person supposed to know what they truly owe?

DIEF: 8 dollars.

KIM: In a place such as this, what is consequence? What makes us human anymore. How can we truly find joy if there is no suffering? How can we grow without failure?

DIEF: 8 dollars.

KIM: And if we can't grow, isn't that suffering in and of itself? To be trapped in a state of arrested development? {Long pause, both looking upwards expecting a voice.} I mean how horrible must it be to just keep repeating the same situation over and over with no hope of change?

DIEF: 7 dollars?

KIM: 4

DIEF: 6

KIM: 3

DIEF: Okay.

KIM: Oh, you're a good haggler.

DIEF: No, I'm just losing money every second I'm away. {Interior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond is minding the bar. John A is sitting at the bar.}

JOHN A: Des, I'll have a shot of whiskey. {Desmond produces shot glass, fills it}

DESMOND: 3 dollars. {ducks behind bar. John drains shot, and switches shot glass for a larger one.}

JOHN A: Des, another if you will.

DESMOND: Certainly. {Fills larger glass.} 3 dollars. {Ducks behind bar. John A, replaces with a very large shot glass, more of a clear bucket really.}

JOHN A: Des? {Cut back to Charlotte's apartment. Diefenbaker has left. Kim is sitting in armchair. The glass she was holding now contains fries. The door opens with a bang, revealing Charlotte.}

KIM: Oh, its you, how were Goffwysfa's greatest comedy duo?

CHARLOTTE: Oh, Desmond and John are fine, though Desmond is tending bar for some odd reason. But Wayne and Shuster? You're going to pay for that. I'm going to see to it that you suffer dearly for what you did to me...

KIM: So you've got some ingenious torturous death planned?

CHARLOTTE: Better than that, I'm pressing charges. {Police officer enters.}

OFFICER: Ms. Campbell you're under arrest for the murder of Charlotte... You know usually there's a last name here.

KIM: Yeah, what's the deal with that?

RB BENNETT: {From off screen} I like steak!

OFFICER: I see, well that clears everything up. You have amnesia, but just for some reason know that your name is Charlotte. {Dull thud as Drew slams into window.} And you have a dove that follows you around for some obligatory reason. At any rate, Ms. Campbell, time to go.

{Exterior: Gorffwysfa Prison. Sign reads, "Steamy shower scenes coming this fall!" Interior: Jail cell. Kim is sitting in cot wearing striped uniform, but still wearing her broach, looking at the floor. The door slides open and Diefenbaker walks in.}

KIM: Dief, thank goodness you've come!

DIEF: Yes, for I John George Diefenbaker, a colourful folksy country attorney, shall face off against John A Macdonald, an alcoholic attorney for whom this case represents a final chance at redemption.

KIM: That sounds awfully familiar.

DIEF: {Turning to face someone off screen.} What the hell are you staring at?! {Pan over to reveal mirror reflecting Diefenbaker.} One of the greatest defense attorneys Canada has ever known and that Gorffwysfa will ever know. That's how I win all my cases. Positivity. That, and, you know, lawyerin'.

KIM: I'm doomed. I wonder if Jack La Lane will be dead in 10 years time. {Kim Growls.Cut to Jack La Lane in kitchen with juicer.}

JACK: Don't count on it! So, for this life prolonging juice we take an apple {drops apple in juicer.} a stalk of celery {drops celery in juicer.} two beets {Drops beets in juicer.} And Jack La Lane's secret ingredient: The soul of a human being. {Produces jar, which has a moaning spirit trapped inside. Jack opens the jar and the spirit is sucked into the juicer. Jack then polishes off the glass which contains a viscous black liquid. His eyes glow red. Interior: Court Room. Dave Barry is sitting in judges chair and juggling, while Bull plays saxophone. Pan sideways to reveal Julian Byng in judges robes.}

BYNG: Bailiff! Get these idiots out of my courtroom immediately! {Dave and Bull trudge from courtroom, Byng ascends to bar.}

BAILIFF: Hear ye! Hear ye! Court is now in session. His excellency, Julian Byng will now hear capital case... one. The Crown versus Avril Phaedra Campbell, who is charged with... Murder in the first degree? Oh this ought to be good!

BYNG: The court will hear from the crown. {John A Macdonald wearing black robes stands.}

JOHN A: Your lordship, It is the intent of the crown to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Ms. Campbell did  on the night of {incomprehensible muttering} the defendant, having had a heated argument with her lover, Charlotte.

DIEF: Objection! Your lordship. The defendant is not Charlotte's lover! I am of the understanding that it's purely a sexual thing.

KIM: Dammit! We are not in a sexual relationship!

JOHN A: Well of course not, otherwise you'd be charged with committing an indignity to a corpse.

KIM: Just kill me now.

JOHN A: The crown is seeking a ten year sentence.

KIM: I hate you.

JOHN A: Anyway, somehow a lovers quarrel developed and Ms. Campbell, stormed out of the apartment in which she was co-pul-habit-ing with Charlotte and entered Diefenbaker's, a friendly neighborhood bar where the spirits are high and the food is excellent, and proceeded to swear revenge on the victim, Charlotte. She then returned to the apartment and bludgeoned Charlotte to death with this. {Brandishes a bat.} The body was disposed of in the normal manner, via the Wayne and Shuster studio commissary. These are the facts and the crown will prove them.

BYNG: Mister Diefenbaker, {Cut to Kim and Dief at defendant's table. Dief is wearing black robes.} Are you prepared to proceed?

DIEF: We are your lordship. Ladies and Gentlemen of the alleged jury.

BYNG: I keep telling you, Mister Diefenbaker, your client has opted for trial by judge.

DIEF: As I said, the jury is merely alleged.

BYNG:... Fine, just continue.

DIEF: The Right Honourable Mister Macdonald would like you to believe a lot of things. He'd like you to believe that my client, Ms. Campbell, after an afternoon of steamy, sweaty, girl on girl passionate love making with Charlotte, a petite, red haired vixen with deep hazel eyes and an oh so kissable pair of lips-

JOHN A: Your lordship, I move for a half hour recess.

BYNG: Agreed. {Interior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond is tending bar and Charlotte is sitting with a glass of champagne.}

CHARLOTTE: I tell you Des, Life is good. By the end of today, I'll be room mate free, and what did it cost me? A concussion and a live performance of the wonderful world of... I forget.

DESMOND: Still getting over that concussion then?

CHARLOTTE: Yes please.

DESMOND: What on earth did you do to upset Kim so much that she felt the need to crack your skull open anyway?

CHARLOTTE: I have a better question: Why are you tending bar when Dief fired you months ago?

DESMOND: More champagne?

CHARLOTTE: What would you say?

DESMOND: That according to European Economic Commission rules, this isn't technically champagne.

CHARLOTTE: What would you say if you had any sense of poetry or language?

DESMOND: Forsooth! Thine graped confection shan't be called Champagne! Wherefore? It doth not hail from thine region!

CHARLOTTE: Next you're going to hit on me with the same accent aren't you?

DESMOND: Um, nay! Forsooth thou art a hottie... Damn!

CHARLOTTE: I'm going to need some more Champagne. {Interior: Courtroom. John A is standing.}

JOHN A: The crown calls Drew Dove. {Drew waddles up to the stand.}  So, mister dove. Where were you when the murder took place?

DREW: Coo.

JOHN A: And how did you become trapped in that refrigerator?

DREW: Coo.

JOHN A: And is this the first instance of disrespect that Ms. Campbell has shown you?

DREW: Coo.

JOHN A: I see. And so what did you see after extricating your self from the refrigerator?

DREW: Coo.

JOHN A: And did you do anything at this point?

DREW: Coo?

JOHN A: That's when you tried to confront Ms. Campbell?

DIEF: Objection! Leading the witness.

DREW: Coo.

BYNG: Order! The previous question is invalid. Your objection is sustained, Mister Diefenbaker. Mister Macdonald, if you would.

JOHN A: What did you do after discovering the body.

DREW: Coo.

JOHN A: And what was Ms. Campbell's reaction?

DREW: Coo.

JOHN A: Thank you. No more questions. Your lordship, the Crown rests.

BYNG: Mister Diefenbaker.

DIEF: Drew, if that is your real name, at any time did you see my client strike Charlotte with this baseball bat? {Brandishes the bat.}

JOHN A: No! We haven't dusted that for prints yet!

BYNG: But you picked it up during your opening arguments. {Long pause.}

JOHN A: Crap

DIEF: I'll repeat the question. Did you, Drew Dove, see my client, Avril Phaedra Campbell, strike Charlotte with this bat {Brandishing bat.}

DREW: {Hangs head.} Coo.

DIEF: So you admit you were one of an elite oiseau ninja cabal trained to kill Charlotte and frame my client, Kim Campbell, for the murder of Charlotte! {Long pause}

DREW: Coo.

BYNG: Given that the crown has no other evidence I have little choice but to find the defendant not guilt-

KIM: Not so fast! At no point did I enter a plea!

BYNG: That's odd. Usually we wouldn't make such a simple mistake. Well, at any rate this is strictly a formality, but how do you plead?

KIM: Guilty.

BYNG: In light of your honesty I'm going to be lenient and sentence you to death. {Pulls out a banana and shoots Kim with it. Byng then rides off on a llama riding a moped.}

CHARLOTTE: {Watching from gallery.} Well, I'm glad that's out of the way. But Kim will just be back in a day now and once again this ever expanding monument to mediocrity that is my life will continue become even more richly textured.

DESMOND: Curse our justice system, the death penalty is no deterrent! {Long pause as Desmond looks to stage right.}

CHARLOTTE: It's best left to the states to decide.

DESMOND: Oh. You sound depressed.

CHARLOTTE: And you sound like you just got your degree in pop psychology from the Drive-Thru institute. {Cut to a bald blue man dressed in a business suit, in an office setting. He produces a sledgehammer and begins to beat the bejesus out of a photocopier. After a short time he looks at the camera wide eyed and points at the viewer, then giving a thumbs up. Cut back to court room.}

DESMOND: Well do what I do, bury yourself in your work and belittle people you can fire.

CHARLOTTE: I suppose, but then I would need to hire someone. {Drew flies up and puts on a press cap and a pencil. Charlotte bats Drew away.} 

{End Credits}