Episode 14: Deb8r Grrl

Major Characters: Kim Campbell, Desmond Collins, Pierre Trudeau, Robert Stanfield, Donald Flemming, David Orchard, Joe Clark, John A Macdonald, John Diefenbaker, Charlotte.

Minor Characters: David Frum, Gordon Lightfoot, Drew the Dove, Don Newman, Mike Weir, Sparky the Penguin.

{Interior: Packed Convention Hall. PC logo in the background. Signs are being waved by a large number of people. Blue and White Signs read "Win with Kim," Grey and White signs read: David Orchard: An honest choice for ensuring Canadian Sovereignty, Respect for the Rights of Parliament..."Trails off at this point. Don Newman is standing in front of the stage.}

NEWMAN: Good evening, I'm Don Newman, welcome to the broadcast. Well, its the Progressive Canadian Party leadership convention, and for some reason, which has baffled political commentators and casual observers alike, we come to the fifth and final ballot with organic farmer David Orchard who jumped to a surprising first ballot lead with 49% of the vote, which he has maintained, facing Avril Phaedra Campbell, disgraced former prime minister who left politics in shame and disgrace when her party was reduced to a mere two seats in the 1993 election. Chairman of the convention Joe Clark is about to read the official results of the final ballots, let's hear what he has to say. {Joe Strides up to the Microphone.}

JOE: Ladies and Gentlemen et Madames et Messieurs aussi, we, in the Progressive Canadian Party of Canada {Thinks for a second.} Have selected a winner. There were two thousand and twenty seven ballots cast. A majority is had at one thousand fourteen votes. I will now read the results. David Orchard: One thousand- {Clark is then inaudible due to wild cheering from Orchard section.} And four. {Campbell section begins cheering.} Kim Campbell: One thousand and twenty one, Ladies and gentlemen, Kim Campbell is the leader of the Canadian Progressive Canadian Party of Canada. {Aside.} That's much better. {Orchard walks to meet Campbell in the middle of the hall. Both clasp hands and bound up the stage. Kim takes the podium.}

KIM: Whoo! Guys, this is totally awesome! I guess it's time to bring this out of retirement. {Produces the 'K' Broach.} Joe, would you do the honours, while my honourable opponent takes the stage?

JOE: I wouldn't presume to, begin to, with respect I, with all decorum and seriousness... sure. {Joe walks over smiling nervously and accepts the broach.} Now let's see... {Forcefully pins it on Kim and abruptly turns to watch David's speech.}

KIM: Hurk! {Blood begins spraying from where the broach has been pinned. Kim attempts to remain ramrod straight while David speaks.} Mustn't distract from... finest hour... David will be a minute... then can get medical attention.

DAVID: My fellow Progressives, I'd like to thank you for your time and your consideration. We know that this party believes in a Canada which is inclusive both inn law and in spirit. We know that this party agrees that public medicine must be defended, that government, while being mindful of the responsibilities it has to ensure some degree of economic equality, must keep a steady hand on the public purse, always loath to engage in deficit financing. We as a party, that just selected a former minister of defense as our leader, and not an upstanding organic farmer whose been fighting the good fight in Canada for the last thirty years or so, understand how important it is to strong Canadian foreign policy to have a well equipped military. What was it that you said Kim, "Don't mess with me, I've got tanks?" {Kim smiles and then looks increasingly pained and worried.} It's that sort of plain spoken approach to politics that has made, and will make, Ms. Campbell a powerful and dynamic leader of our party, and may I say, the nation, for years to come. I therefore move that the result of this leadership election be declared unanimous! {Roaring applause.} Kim, come greet your loyal followers! {Dull thud as Kim falls over. David looks at Kim quizzically for a moment, Pan over to Mike Weir who looks at David and glumly shakes his head.} Fellow Progressive Canadians,  leadership is about understanding when you have attained power and understanding when power is thrust upon you. A good leader is one who can roll with the punches and adapt to the unexpected and I look forward to leading this party into the next election.

{Opening Credits}

{Interior: Gorffwysfa Mansion Study. Desmond is propped up in his chair reading pamphlet: So you want to be a legislator.}

DESMOND: Oh... Nay! {Kim flies out of nowhere tackling Desmond and knocking him onto the floor. Cut to Kim pinning Desmond's shoulders in 'girl push up' stance. Need more description? I hate your gym teacher.}

KIM: Hi!

DESMOND: Pierre!

PIERRE: {From off screen.} Whatever it is I'm not interested.

DESMOND: It's a wo- {Pierre appears in a pulp fiction style suit.} -man

PIERRE: Well, Kim! Long time no see.

KIM: You only say that because the power was out that night. I'm assuming I'm dead.

DESMOND: Right, don't kill anyone, unless you're a Wayne and Shuster fan and the only thing that can really kill you is cyanide from apple seeds. No magical powers that I know of...

PIERRE: Even for those with a sprig of wood nymph in them.

DESMOND: Got that?

KIM: I pretty much get anything I want. And I want that. So, Pierre is the media biased?

PIERRE: Utterly.

KIM: are they biased against your vision?

PIERRE: Completely!

KIM: Do they fail to see the nuance in your speech?

PIERRE: All the time.

KIM:Ooh, I think we should do a media conferencing session.

PIERRE: Desmond, could you leave the room for, oh four point three minutes.

KIM: I don't think four point three minutes is enough time to consummate this new political relationship.

PIERRE: Forty-three?

KIM: It's a start.

DESMOND: I'll just go to the bar now. You two... watch... the study. {Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Sign reads, "Wednesday night is grudge night." Interior: Diefenbaker's. John A and } So then, Bam! She tackles me! I'm very confused.

JOHN A: She's a confusing woman, Desmond. Do you know why she lost that election?

DESMOND: Because she succeeded one of the most monumentally loathed and in hindsight incompetent prime ministers who ever served. {David Frum walks on.}

DAVID FRUM: Lies! Brian Mulroney was a genius!

DIEF: Massive structural deficits.

DAVID FRUM: Lies! All the fault of Pierre Trudeau!

JOHN A: The privatization of Petro-Canada, shortly before the second oil boom.

DAVID FRUM: Courage! He was testing the waters for Canadian entrepreneurs by giving them something easy to start with.

DIEF: John Crow and the 90-91 recession.

DAVID FRUM: McQuaigery! Those interest rates allowed us to keep all the benefits from our collapsing economy and jobless recovery at home!

JOHN A: Turning down Reagan on Star Wars.

DESMOND: But John, that was a good move.

DAVID FRUM: I see five lights!

DESMOND: NAFTA, which sets a floor on energy exports.

DAVID FRUM: The market at work!

DESMOND: No it isn't it's like OPEC in reverse.

DAVID FRUM: That's right and since OPEC is bad, this is good!

DESMOND: Then why was the NEP bad? {Long pause.}

DAVID FRUM: It was Liberal meddling in the economy.

DESMOND: So when Liberals regulate it's...

DAVID FRUM: Red tape.

DESMOND: And when Conservatives do it it's...

DAVID FRUM: Unleashing market forces. {Sparky the penguin waddles past.}

DESMOND: Just leave.

DAVID FRUM: Why?

DESMOND: 9/11 {Frum looks at Desmond, opens his mouth to speak, stops, walks outside. Exterior: Diefenbaker's. David Frum takes a tenuous step out the door and begins plummeting upward. Cut back inside.}

JOHN A: Works every time if you're not an avowed leftist.

DAVID FRUM: {Weakly and fading out.} How dare you use their deaths for political gain?!

DIEF: So, Penn and Teller, this Kim Campbell seems to be taking a shine to you.

DESMOND: What makes you say that? {Cut outside to Kim Campbell holding a football and looking at Diefenbaker's invitingly. Stanfield runs up behind Kim and boots the ball in a high arc, which floats and then crashes into Desmond's apartment window. Kim looks disappointed and walks off.}

DIEF: My boy, I have no idea, it just seemed natural.

DESMOND: Well, stow it, she was talking political strategy with Trudeau. I'm certain that her tackling of me was a complete non-sequitur. {Kim crashes through window, tackling John A.} Told ya.

KIM: Hi Desmond! You busy tonight?

DESMOND: Yes, I've got a briefing book to go through. Lifts red brief case onto table. {Kim holds up Judicial robes in front of her. Desmond lights the briefcase on fire. It is readily turned to ash.} Pick you up at 8?

KIM: Okay, I'm staying at Pierre's for the time being. FYI just to warn you the place is clothing optional. {Cut to Pierre standing in front of his closet in Bath robe. Closet opens to reveal a long row of completely identical brown corduroy suits with roses in the lapel.}

PIERRE: Hmm, what to wear, what to wear. {Cut back to Diefenbaker's.}

DESMOND: I am aware of my rights and I choose to waive them.

KIM: So, you're not wearing clothes or you're not showing up nude?

DESMOND: The second one.

KIM: Okay then. {Kim walks out of bar.}

DESMOND: I'm about to date Kim Campbell. Must act quickly. Step two: Make up list of stupid things not to do! Dief!

DIEF: Yes?

DESMOND: I'm going to need something that will make me seem irresistible, charming, and debonair! {Dief puts bottle of whiskey on bar. Desmond throttles bottle. Falls over.} Why yes, I have kicked John F Kennedy in the nuts. Cheese and crackers, Did it work?

DIEF: Desmond, are you charming?

DESMOND: Indeed {Belch.}

DIEF: Are you irresistible?

DESMOND: This floor seems to like me.

DIEF: And are you debonair?

DESMOND: I am so!

JOHN A: Can you spell debonair?

DESMOND: Can you?

JOHN A: He'll do just fine. I should probably have him do this before question period. {Cut to Interior: Commons Chamber. Don Flemming is sleeping at his desk.}

FLEMMING: Huh? Wha? Who? {Stands up.} Point of Privilege Mister Speaker! Hmm. It appears that I'm the only one here. {Looks down} Also, it appears that someone has absconded with my pants. Well, there's only one thing to do. {Sits down and continues sleeping. Cut back.}

DIEF: Still I feel that something must be done. {Reaches behind bar. Pulls out giant bottle of Tabasco Sauce. Fills Glass. Produces funnel. Walks around bar with full glass and funnel. Places funnel in Desmond's mouth and pours Tabasco into funnel. Desmond wakes with a start, and runs out of bar screaming.}

DESMOND: Augh! Where is a horse trough when you need one? Runs down street to Lightheart Music. Sign Reads: "Lightheart Music: 5 days without a government grant." Desmond runs in, grabs a record and begins gnawing furiously. He then looks at the cover, which reads Bryan Adams' greatest hits.} Augh! {Desmond runs out.}

LIGHTFOOT: I think that it's time to invest in some fine/ display cases for stock security. {Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond runs into Diefenbaker's. Interior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond runs behind bar with Diefenbaker and John A watching dispassionately, Pours another glass of Tabasco sauce, drinks it and sighs with relief.}

JOHN A: Sir, that was utterly pointless.

DIEF: I enjoyed it as well. {Phone rings. Diefenbaker picks up phone.} Yes, uh huh. Really? Okay, I'll put him on. {Hands phone to Desmond.}

DESMOND: Hello? {Screen splits to reveal Kim on other end of phone.}

KIM: Hi, Des? It's Kim. Are you ready for our date tonight?

DESMOND: Uh, lemmee check. {Sniffs self. Falls over.} Can we reschedule? {Pull back on Kim's side to reveal that she has Charlotte pinned to floor in Charlotte's apartment.}

KIM: Yeah sure. {Hangs up.}

CHARLOTTE: Now that you've broken into my apartment, hijacked my phone, and tackled me for no particular reason that I can discern, would you do me the dignity of telling me who you are?

KIM: No. {Drew begins to approach holding a pencil in his beak.} Oh look! A pretty bird!

CHARLOTTE: And my life has reached a new low.

{End Credits}