Episode 13: Dr. Howe

Major Characters: Desmond Collins, Charlotte, Pierre Trudeau, Goggles, General Hacker, Tommy Douglas, CD Howe, Donald Flemming, Rene Levesque, John Diefenbaker, Robert Stanfield, Georges Cartier, Chick Turner, Joey Smallwood, Henri Bourassa, William Lyon Mackenzie, Mackenzie King, Maurice Duplessis,

Minor Characters: Tecumseh, Drew the Dove, Sir Humphrey Appleby, Ninja, Rocky the Squirrel, Don Newman, and his Camera Man, David Frum, Walter Gordon, John Kerry, Kaiser Wilhelm, Robert Bourassa, Alexander Mackenzie, Edward Blake, Robert Blake, Marcel Marceau, Bartender, Will Ferguson, Marshal McLuhan, Ernest Manning, WAC Bennett, Sinclair Stevens, Hazen Argue, Fonzie, David Lewis, Checkerboard Nightmare, Jean Lesage, Jean Marchand, Wilfrid Laurier, Robertson Davies, Bartender, The Littlest Hobo.

{Writer's note: Good God that's a lot of characters! 10 and a half Pages? God god that's a lot of script! I'm gonna go lie down now.}

{Black Screen} ANNOUNCER: Last time, on Gorffwysfa. Check that, wrong preposition. Last time in Gorffwysfa... {Repeat the following scenes from episode 12.}

DESMOND: Pierre, I have some serious reservations here.

{Flemming is then hit by falling boom mike.}

HUMPHREY: Oh, bollocks. {Interior: Library. Charlotte enters. A muffled shot rings out.}

CHARLOTTE: Goggles? {Goggles zips up.}

GOGGLES: last-time-I-did-it-by-hand-the-building-caught-fire

DESMOND: Now, Perry Como sings the hits of today.

HACKER: Prime Minister, we need to talk.

PIERRE: Now, Mister Hacker, I want Desmond Collins found, but I do not want you turning Parliament hill into an armed camp. Cross me and I'll have your badge!

GOGGLES: Maybe-he's-got (zip) a-really-big-sand-castle (zip) and-he-wants-to-make-it-go-fshhhh!

TOMMY: Mmm, Good coffee. {Audible slurp. Shrink to lower right corner to reveal a yellow digital clock ticking down.)

ANNOUNCER: And now, the thrilling conclusion!

{Opening Credits}

{Interior: Prime Minister's Office. Trudeau is still in the grey suit from yesterday, but with horrible sweat stains. He is tied to his chair.}

PIERRE: Ugh! You'll never get away with this. {CD Howe opens door and drags Desmond in.}

CD HOWE: Wait, were you talking to me?

PIERRE: Not at the time, but I can see that applying perfectly well.

CD HOWE: Well, then should I just take things up from the point where you say that I won't get away with this?

PIERRE: Yeah, I suppose that works, I mean you're the one running the hostage situation right now.

CD HOWE: Ok... But, Pierre... You know what, I'm sorry, I'm just not into it. How about we take this over again.

PIERRE: You really need to work on your Stanislovsky method.

CD HOWE: Yeah, look I haven't got a whole lot of experience with this.

PIERRE: Well I've never been on this end of the gun barrel but you don't see me needing a second take do you?

CD HOWE: Fine! But really now we have to start again. {Drags Desmond out, hitting Desmond's head against the door frame.}

DESMOND: Shoeleather. {CD Then drags Desmond back in to the room.}

PIERRE: You'll never... {while giggling} get away with this!

CD HOWE: What is it now?

PIERRE: Shoeleather!

DESMOND: Ow.

CD HOWE: Well you won't have to worry about shoeleather-

DESMOND: Ow. 

CD HOWE: Or any other construction materials shortly! Soon this monolithic obstruction to progress will be little more than a pile of dust and ash!

DESMOND: But why? And why kidnap me?

CD HOWE: I should think you'd know!

DESMOND: Not as well as I would if you'd tell me.

CD HOWE: You imbecile! First you cost me my job, then you take my job, then you do it so damned incompetently as to turn the department into a laughing stock.

DESMOND: I haven't been minister for a month yet! How can I have been incompetent?

CD HOWE: The tenders process is backed up. Hell the department lost three hours yesterday between the hours of 11 and 2 waiting for you to make a damned decision. {Cut to Desmond seated.}

DESMOND: Look, tell me what you think. {Pull back to reveal he's at the parliamentary bar.} Should I get the gravy with my burger and fries?

BARTENDER: Doesn't matter at any rate. You already ate it. {Pan down to show a bare plate.}

DESMOND: Yeah, but it does make the plating look nicer. {Cut back.}

CD HOWE: Though I suppose I should thank you. It was you who finally allowed me to realize that dealing with these lilliputian fools wasn't the worst part of my job, but the part of my job that needed to be eradicated!

PIERRE: Can I say something here?

CD HOWE: Pierre, can this wait?

PIERRE: {Thinks for a second.} Yes, yes, continue. {Exterior: Commons Chamber. Charlotte runs on screen towards General Hacker.}

CHARLOTTE: General Hacker! General Hacker!

HACKER: No comment.

CHARLOTTE: No, CD Howe has rigged the house with high explosives.

HACKER: Look, I don't have time for this, there's a roll call vote in four minutes.

CHARLOTTE: I'm telling you! I've come into possession of information that shows that the former infrastructure minister was stockpiling fuse line.

HACKER: Oh, and just how might you have come into that information?

CHARLOTTE: I... you see... I can't reveal that. I need to protect my source.

HACKER: Well, then I've no reason to believe you. Good day.

CHARLOTTE: Okay! It was... Ninjas! {Cut to one eyed Ninja walking down hallway drinking cup of coffee. Ninja spits out coffee loudly.}

NINJA: I knew I should've gone to Chili's. {Cut back to Charlotte looking up at Hacker with a nervous smile. Hacker steps down from box and begins to walk off.}

CHARLOTTE: Well, if you won't warn people, I will! {Hacker quickly gets Charlotte in a hold.}

HACKER: I'm sorry miss, but I can't allow that! I've got too much going on to deal with another disturbance. {Cut back to PMO}

DESMOND: So do me a favour then, now that you've come to terms with your limitations, how about you let me and Pierre go and stop whatever giant destruction scheme you've got planned, okay?

CD HOWE: Okay.

DESMOND: Good now-

CD HOWE: Right after I kill you and blow up parliament! {Rocky the Squirrel comes on stage voiced like Rocky Balboa.}

ROCKY: Yo, I like told you... Bullwinkle! {Rocky is stepped on by CD Howe.}

DESMOND: You black hearted bastard!

CD HOWE: Gentlemen, neither side has a monopoly on sons of bitches. I'm just out to reduce the supply! And finally after weeks of planning, skulking, listening to the snickery behind my back and the rumor mills wondering-

PIERRE: Uh, CD, I wasn't addressing you. Also what the hell is snickery? Is it much snickering or is it an adjective describing a flavour?

DESMOND: And I called you a black hearted bastard, not a son of a bitch.

CD HOWE: Uh... Well, I'll be glad when you jabbering talkers can no longer slow me down with niggling little details like that! And when this is all over with I can get back to doing what I do best. {Cut to right semi-profile of a monster truck crushing cars in an arena. Pan to left to reveal CD Howe talking with a man in an ill-fitting plaid suit.} 5 Dollars a pound?! That's a joke. Look I'll pay you three fifty and not a penny more! {Cut back.} Yes, I'm going to enjoy my bee keeping.

PIERRE: CD, you're a rational man.

CD HOWE: I like to think so.

PIERRE: Well then surely you're aware that what you're doing will lead to utter chaos.

CD HOWE: Well, I've been going over some alternative forms of government. I'm as always partial to an authoritarian technocracy, but I'm certainly not opposed to a badmintonocracy.

TRUDEAU: Which is?

CD HOWE: Get two people, one serves until he screws up, then it's the next person's turn.

DESMOND: As appealing as that is, if you destroy the house how will we bring the legislation to conclusion? Gorffwysfa will cease to exist.

CD HOWE: I need only destroy the house after it's finished one bill and yet to begin on another.

DESMOND: But, you'd need to be in the house to do that.

CD HOWE: Oh would I? Would I really?

PIERRE: Yes.

CD HOWE: Damn, I hadn't thought of that. And I went to the trouble of wiring the whole building with dynamite and cyanide coated shrapnel to get rid of anyone who might be inclined to rebuild. Well, nothing left to do but kill you two then. {Draws gun points it at Desmond.} And now, Mister Collins, the hammer falls upon yet another promising and briefly famous politician.

DESMOND: But, I'm not even that famous! I never made it to GPAC.

CD HOWE: GPAC?

PIERRE: The Gorffwysfan Parliamentary Access Channel. You know, the one that broadcasts coverage of parliamentary proceedings so that you can watch parliament right in the comfort of your own... Oh- {Pan right to reveal Sir Humphrey Appleby.}

SIR HUMPHREY: Bollocks, Prime Minister? {CD Howe shoots Humphrey.}

DESMOND: Oh my god! You killed Humphrey!

PIERRE: I'm not going to dignify that.

CD HOWE: Well, let's watch ourselves some TV shall we? {Flicks on the television. Shot of the house in soft filter. At the bottom of the screen there's a timer counting down from around 3 minutes.} Well gentlemen, in about three minutes this colossal waste of time will be dispensed with and I can get back to doing what I do best. {Cut to CD in a gym, Hacker is spotting him as CD does bench presses with an incredible amount of weight.}

HACKER: You give me one more Howe! You will become an unstoppable weapon of death! You will eat trees for breakfast and crap paper do you understand me!{Cut back.}

CD HOWE: You know what? I think I'll send you to your graves with the mystery of what it is I do best. So gentlemen, let's just watch this vote as it unfolds and the moment the speaker says that the motion is carried, the Centre Block and everything in it will impede no more. Well except for the removing of rubble... And the 1943 foot tall memorial made out of melted down maple leaves that will inevitably get built... Never mind! The metaphor doesn't work! In a minute the vote will begin and we'll see John Henry drive his last spike.

PIERRE: Well, I suppose that's a little better, but really there's no mechanised law passin' machine that threatens to put us out of work.

DESMOND: And House of Commons was a law passin' assembly just doesn't sing like it should, you know?

CD HOWE: {To self.} Mustn't kill just yet, more painful if they see the one thing they love destroyed. {Cut to Charlotte struggling with Hacker.}

HACKER: Listen miss, if you won't be calm I'll have to assist you! {Hacker reaches for his belt and is laid low by a powerful punch. Tommy Douglas appears wearing Captain Canada tights and the maple leaf is waving.}

TOMMY: You won't be locking up this idea today, Hacker! {Cut to show Charlotte sitting on floor, Douglas standing. Pause.}

CHARLOTTE: So, ran out of suits?

TOMMY: Yes. The dry cleaner promised them back by five yesterday.

CHARLOTTE: You know, spandex is not the best look for a person with the physique of an ex boxer. For one thing, your wrinkly skin is making the flag wave.

TOMMY: I'll just go now.

CHARLOTTE: Yes, please. And do us all a favour: Brutally beat your dry cleaner. {Tommy dejectedly walks off.} Now, where would Howe be? {Don Newman walks on with camera guy. He will be speaking in a sultry female voice.}

NEWMAN: Do you mind? We're trying to film a Broadcast here.

CHARLOTTE: But how.. and you... Sure. If only to preserve what remains of my sanity.

CAMERA MAN: Okay Don, in 5, 4, 3 {2 second pause}

NEWMAN: {Back in regular voice} Good evening I'm Don Newman welcome to the broadcast. We're here on the eve on an historic vote which will see the Gorffwysfan Content act passed through third reading, leaving only the Governor General's signature standing in the way of its becoming law. Now the vote has been described as a close one with the Greys and their coalition partner's the Pols expected to vote for the bill, however every vote counts as the opposition Black and Whites are have dragged out every member they have to defeat this legislation, and there are some absences on the government side, notably, CD Howe, Desmond Collins, and Pierre Trudeau, {a flash of realization crosses Charlotte's face. She runs off stage.} as well there are those who... {Five second pause. Is hit by a stick wielded by his camera man.} oppose the legislation or have expressed concerns. Let's look at some of the highlights from debate. {all are standard commons shots}

TRUDEAU: The aim of this bill is to provide Gorffwysfans with a comfort zone in which to develop an independent culture.

FLEMMING: This is just another ham handed effort by the government to tell Gorffwysfans how to live their lives. The next thing you know there will be some sort of code of what is and is not criminal. I say we won't stand for it!

GORDON: This bill is necessary to ensure the survivial of the Gorffwysfan people. We are but an island of ten thousand free thinkers among six billion eternalists. There must be steps taken to ensure our independence.

RENE: Our independence is assured because we do not, and have not attempted to fool ourselves into thinking that we are a part of their domains!

JOHN KERRY: You see I voted for the Content Act, before I voted against it.

DESMOND: Mister Speaker, it was first reading, everyone as a matter of convention votes for a bill on first reading, correct? {Stay on Desmond}

FLEMMING: Nay. {Now to King.}

KING: Mister Speaker, this legislation is an essential piece of the government's industrial strategy. The fact of the matter is that culture is a business. Something that those of us in this house should have learned painfully by now. {Cut to littlest hobo looking dejected in his desk.}

STANFIELD: To me, Gorffwysfan nationalism is a positive thing. It means pride in what we have achieved rather than disparagement of others. It means a recognition of the challenge we have to build on our past traditions to create a society of tolerance, mutual understanding and enthusiastic cooperation between those of different languages, different backgrounds and different cultures. It means our right to set our own priorities in the fields of economic, social, cultural and environmental development for the good of our citizens today and our future citizens tomorrow. It has been said that what matters most are a people's knowledge that they have done great things in the past and their hope to do greater in the future. We in Gorffwysfa have accomplished great things in knitting together this small realm. And we are capable of doing much more. We have a common destiny, and our challenge is to fulfill that destiny. That is what Gorffwysfan nationalism means to me. And in that sense I am proud to be a Gorffwysfan nationalist. And that is why I am so concerned about what we as Gorffwysfans must do to ensure the survival of our realm. {Cut to various persons showing shock and amazement. Stanfield catches a football that flies out of nowhere and is hit with a falling boom mike.}

DIEF: Yeah, what he said. {Pull back to reveal CD Howe, Trudeau, and Desmond watching tv.}

CD HOWE: Just another couple minutes and that infernal prattle will cease. {Door bursts open, revealing Charlotte.}

CHARLOTTE: Not so fast, Howe! I've come to stop you despite the fact that you're armed and I have no weapon whatsoever other than my caustic wit... Uh... You're balding... The depths of stupidity have been plumbed and yet I cannot drown.

CD HOWE: Excellent! The ace reporter who brought about my downfall. You're a regular deep throat.

PIERRE: CD I can say with authority that that is untrue! {Takes by Desmond, CD, and Charlotte.} I mean she couldn't even finish a bowl of soup.

CHARLOTTE: You burned the soup. What kind of an idiot manages to burn soup?

PIERRE: It was blackened.

CD HOWE: Where were we? Oh yes, I've hit the trifecta!

DESMOND: Technically to hit the trifecta you have to pick the horses in the order they come in too.

CD HOWE: Fine! I've hit the trifecta box! Happy?

DESMOND: {Pouting} No.

CD HOWE: Would it help if I tied up Charlotte?

DESMOND: {Still pouting} Maybe. Could I have a chocolate milk too?

CD HOWE: Oh, for the love of... no. You know what? No. Screw this. I'm just going to watch the vote and then blow up parliament and then shoot all of you. {Pierre opens his mouth.} No discussion! {Cut to commons chamber as the speaker reads out their name they sit down.}

KAISER: All in favour? Mister King, Tecumseh, Mister Gordon, Mister RB Bennett, Mister Ferguson {Will Ferguson with giant foam hat.} Mister MacDonald, Mister Davies, Mister Laurier, Mister Turner, General Hacker, Monsieur Duplessis, Monsieur Lesage, Mister Smallwood, Monsieur Marchand, Monsieur Marceau {Showing a man in mime costume}... {Cut back.}

CD HOWE: No surprises thus far {Cut back.}

KAISER: All opposed? {On government side} Mister Stevens {Cut to opposition side roaring applause. Cut back.} Mister Argue, Mister Lewis {More applause.} Mister Kerry, Monsieur Cartier, Mister Manning, Mister WAC Bennett, {Cut to CD et all CD is looking nervous.}

DESMOND: Worried about the bill CD? 

CD HOWE: At this point I don't care. Even if the bill fails I'll still blow up this stinking building and take my chances. {Cut back to commons.}

KAISER: Mister McLuhan, Mister Fonzarelli...

FONZIE: Ay! {Cut to the opposition side}

KAISER: Mister Diefenbaker, Monsieur Levesque, Monsieur Bourassa-Grand, {Henri} Monsieur Bourassa-Mangeur le hot dogs, {Robert} Mister Flemming, Mister Mackenzie-Half Pint Slap Nuts Crazy, Mister Mackenzie-Incredibly Boring Honest and Incompetent, Mister Blake-Horrible Failure as Liberal leader, Mister Blake-Baretta... {Cut back to CD et all. Charlotte is now tied with back facing Pierre and Desmond.}

CHARLOTTE: You couldn't have kept your mouth shut could you?

DESMOND: I can't help it, you distracted me with your feminine wiles! I mean why not eat a steak while your at it and fish the news out of the puddle of my drool?

RB BENNETT: {From off screen.} I like steak!

PIERRE: You've got to admit, Charlotte your feminines are pretty wily.

CHARLOTTE: Can you kill them first? {Cut back to commons chamber.}

KAISER: And the final vote tally is. Ayes 99, Nays 96. The Ayes have it. The bill is passed. {Cut back to CD Howe.}

CD HOWE: And now you all die! {Presses button on remote control. Wayne and Shuster Credits begin rolling.} Crap! Wrong one! {Produces other remote. Presses button.}

DESMOND: Wow, your office is soundproofed really well, Pierre.

CD HOWE: Something's wrong. {Turns TV back to GPAC. Cut to chamber}

KAISER: The Speaker recognizes the Honourable General Hacker.

HACKER: Mister Speaker I was attacked earlier by an unknown assailant outside these chambers, preventing me from acting on a bomb threat delivered by one Charlotte, uh, Charlotte. {Tommy Douglas shrinks down in his seat.} At any rate I passed the information on to our best demolitions expert who discovered that this rambunctious and hyper active boy {Hacker picks up Goggles by a strap on his aviator helmet.}had already defused the bombs and also used them in the construction of the most gigantic bottle rocket display known to human kind.

JOHN A: My empties!

HACKER: At this point we were able to dispose of the bomb casings which were made of cyanide coated shrapnel. We have uncovered and foiled a mass assassination attempt and I think that the Ministry of Security {Muttering} And of course this adorable little boy {Normal} deserve the appreciation of this house. {Applause, cheering. Cut back to CD et all.}

CD HOWE: Dammit! Well, I suppose I'll have to console myself with killing you three. Starting with you... {Points gun at Charlotte who gazes uncomprehendingly. We hear a dull thud. CD looks over his shoulder.} What now? I guess I'll need at least one hostage. {Opens door to discover Drew the Dove.} Well, if it isn't little... bird. {CD is clocked in the back of the head with a shovel. Pull back to reveal Checkerboard Nightmare holding the shovel.}

CHEX: How come you get more recognition than me huh? You've been dead since 1957, and has anyone ever voted for me since then? I'm hurt... And as for you... {Turns to captives menacingly.} I guess I'll let you go and then we can find out who CD Howe really is. {Cut to Pierre, Charlotte, Desmond, Drew, Goggles and Chex gathered around CD who is now tied up.}

GOGGLES: Tell-us-who-the-villain-is-come-on-come-on-come-on-I-gottta-kow-before-it's-bedtime-so-I-can-find-out-tonight-please-hurry-hurry-hurry.

DESMOND: You want to know who it is? I'll tell you who, it could only be one person. A person with both the motive... and the opportunity to commit such a crime. A person with-

CHARLOTTE: You're completely clueless as to how to unmask a villain. You want to know who it is? It became clear the moment I opened that door. The hateful language, the sneering contempt for democracy it could only be one person. {Cut to Charlotte removing mask.}

ALL BUT CHARLOTTE: David Frum!? {Charlotte does a wild take.}

CHARLOTTE: My second guess. {Cut to David Frum.}

DAVID FRUM: If I didn't do it the terrorists would have won? Is that what you want?! I bet you do. You want the terrorists to win!

DESMOND: Not particularly you see-

DAVID FRUM: Na! Na! Na! Na! Na! Na! Na! And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you meddling liberals!

PIERRE: Well, that's one axis of evil we won't have to worry about any more! {All laugh. There's a low rumbling sound and smoke trailing from the window. Cut to over the shoulder view of CD sitting in cockpit.}

CD HOWE: You think you've won this round Collins, but I'll get you next time... next time! Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh! {Rocket explodes. Cut to ground, CD Screams, slamming into the ground.} In retrospect, it was a bad idea to fuel the getaway rocket with surplus dynamite. {Is hit in the head with empty whiskey bottle.}

{End Credits}