Episode 12: Desmond Wooley

Major Characters: Desmond Collins, General Hacker, Pierre Trudeau, John A Macdonald, John Diefenbaker, Donald Flemming, Charlotte, Goggles, CD Howe, Robert Stanfield, Tommy Douglas.

Minor Characters: Drew the Dove, RB Bennett, Kaiser Wilhelm, Tecumseh, Leonardo DaVinci, Louis Riel, Sir Humphrey Appleby.

{Opening Credits}

{Interior: Cabinet Room. Seated around the table are the same figures, except CD Howe is gone and Desmond Collins is sitting in the Infrastructure chair and John A Macdonald is sitting at Trudeau's right with the title of Deputy Prime Minister. Trudeau is wearing a grey three piece suit.General Hacker enters and sits down at the table.}

HACKER: Sorry I'm late, I had a little trouble at the office. {Cut to Hacker in his office looking at Sir Humphrey Appleby. Long pause. Hacker draws gun and shoots Humphrey. Cut back.}

PIERRE:  Gentlemen, let's get down to business. The content bill is in committee and I expect that every last one of you will be selling this thing to your respective caucuses and hopefully prying away some of the opposition members.

DESMOND: Pierre, I have some serious reservations here.

PIERRE: Quite frankly Mr. Collins, I'm unconcerned with your reservations. When you joined cabinet, you agreed to back the collective decisions of cabinet. This is much different brom being an MP. {Bill jumps on table singing.}

BILL: 'Cause your bound by sol-id-ar-ar-it-ee! And if you can't follow the line, you're augh! {Pull back to reveal that Robertson Davies has lit the Bill on fire with a match, which remains lit. Davies then uses the match to light his pipe and discretely brushes the ash that was the bill off of the table. Bell rings.}

JOHN A: Gentlemen, We're off to question period. {Interior, hall of parliament. the Thirteen are waking in V formation down the hallway to the tune of For the love of money by the OJays.}

DESMOND: {In voice over} There are three things that anybody who wants to serve as a cabinet minister in a mystical afterlife needs to know. One, stick with your cabinet colleagues. They are your only hope when the chips are down, and your best friends when it comes to spending any amount of money. Two, you are not a member of parliament. You are a member of a well disciplined phalanx designed to strike fear into the hearts of those opposite you. Never answer a question you can dodge. Never decide an issue you can't defer. Always, always challenge questioner to take it outside. Three, never, ever, get hit on the head by a blunt object and abducted by a disgruntled former minister. {Desmond is hit on the head by a length of pipe and dragged off into the shadows. Cut to shadowy crevice to show Desmond being chloroformed, pan back to Louis Riel.}

LOUIS: One voice down, 27 more to go! {Drops Desmond and runs off. Charlotte walks up, gasps, stoops to check Desmond's pulse, grabs the briefcase he was carrying, and runs away. Interior: Commons Chamber.}

KAISER: The Speaker recognizes the leader of the loyal opposition.

DIEF: Mister speaker is it the intent of this new government to proceed with the programme laid out in the throne speech delivered by the governor general earlier this year?
JOHN A: It is the intention of this government to govern in the best interests of the Gorffwysfan people. To that extent, you have your answer.

DIEF: When will the Prime Minister inform us of any developments in negotiating a mutually beneficial  trade agreement with the Prince of Darkness?

PIERRE: Mister Speaker, the government will inform the house at such time that doing so will not jeopardize the state of our external relations.

FLEMMING: Mister Speaker, in the event that the content act is passed, will the Culture Minister be asking this house for additional monies to fulfill his new responsibilities?

TECUMSEH: We will need little more to do much more, but we will still require that little to fulfill our promises.

FLEMMING: Is the Minister currently of the opinion that his department has sufficient resources to carry out his current responsibilities? {Flemming is then hit by falling boom mike.}

TECUMSEH: Yes.

KAISER: The Speaker recognizes that dignified guy we all like to make fun of on a regular basis.

STANFIELD: Mister speaker, given that the Honourable Infrastructure Minister was privy to plans by his predecessor to undertake a massive hydro-electric project, will the minister be presenting a similar plan to the house? {Cut to government benches, Desmond is not seated.}

PIERRE: {Whispered to John A.} Where the hell is he?

RB BENNETT: At this time, given the financial and fiduciary responsibilities of the government any conjecture that one would make at this point, given the vagueries of the current situation and the myriad variables yet to be accounted for being, which are, for the purposes of discussion, yet not for the purposes of evaluation, held cetris paribus, all things being generally equal for the most part, one would currently be apprehensive about presenting to this august assembly any proposal that was not given the care and attention to detail demanded by such a laborious proposal in full due diligence. {Hacker gets up and pulls the mask from RB's face to reveal Sir Humphrey Appleby.}

HUMPHREY: Oh, bollocks. {Interior: Library. Charlotte enters. A muffled shot rings out.}

CHARLOTTE: Goggles? {Goggles zips up.}

GOGGLES: Hi-lady-it's-nice-to-see-you-again-why-are-you-here-did-you-need-another-edition-of-Hansard-or-maybe-you-wanted-to-look-at-some-press-clippings-or-some-of-the-books-we-have-in-stock-or-maybe-you-wanted-to-play-kickball-in-which-case-I'd-have-to-tell-you-that-you-can't-play-kickball-in-here-because-this-is-a-library-and-we-don't-allow-kickball-or-any-other-kind-of-sports-in-here-not-even-hockey-but-if-you-asked-really-nice-I'm-sure-we-could-build-a-fort-or-something-by-moving-some-of-the-tables-and-shelves-around-but-then-Robertson-would-come-in-and-he'd-be-mad-and-I'd-get-in-trouble-again-but-it-wouldn't-be-too-bad-because-I'm pre.. preco.. cute!

CHARLOTTE: Anyway, I need you to copy some things out of my friend Desmond's brief case for me. I thought that anyone would be able to do it quicker than someone could regain consciousness after being hit on the head, chloroformed, and hit on the head once more for good measure, it'd be you.

GOGGLES: Sure-I'll-just-use-the-photo-copier-cuz-last-time-I-did-it-by-hand-the-building-caught-fire-and-the-trucks-came-and-I-got-to-ride-the-fire-truck-and-wear-a-hat-and-honk-the-horn-and-everything. {Takes briefcase. Zips away. Zips back one second later holding briefcase and a pile of papers.} Sorry-I-took-so-long-but-there-was-a-paper-jam-and-the-only-jam-I-like-is-with-peanut-butter-and-I-won't-make-that-mistake-again-cause-last-time-it-took-me-an-hour-to-clean-up-the-machine.

CHARLOTTE: Thanks again. Now to get this back to Desmond.{Cut to Desmond's feet still sticking out into hallway.}

DESMOND: Now, Perry Como sings the hits of today. {Charlotte walks up. Places briefcase at Desmond's feet.} New Jersican Maid, so nice to see you here. Were you able to stop Nikita Kruschev?

CHARLOTTE: Yes. Now should I get you some medical attention?

DESMOND: Maybe just a nice bowl of lumpy soup.

CHARLOTTE: Okay, and what will you eat it with?

DESMOND: Fork!

CROWD: Spoon!

DESMOND: Not in the face! Not in the face! {Crowd of people rush up and begin beating on Desmond.}

CHARLOTTE: (Sigh), I'll go send every zig for freedom now. We have such a timeless quality here. {Walks off. Crowd disburses. Incredibly abused Desmond lays there.}

DESMOND: Well, I'm sure nothing else bad could happen to me. {Drew waddles up holding a pencil in his beak. Interior: Prime Minister's Office. Pierre is sitting at his desk writing. There's a knock at the door. General Hacker enters.}

HACKER: Prime Minister, we need to talk.

PIERRE: Certainly Mr. Hacker. What was it you wished to speak about.

HACKER: There are worrisome things happening here. There was that attempt on the life of the leader of the opposition, which we managed to hush up. The cabinet office is completely unsecured. Louis Riel is still at large.

PIERRE: Mister Hacker, I am determined as Prime Minister to ensure that anybody here be able to enjoy the maximum freedom without causing harm to others. If a person is willing to come to Gorffwysfa the last thing we need to do is go about stripping them of the freedom they so obviously crave. I am undoubtedly concerned about these incidents, but they are being handled by your competent security forces.

HACKER: Sir, they do not have the tools required to do the job! Prime Minister we have to maintain some sense of order here. In addition, we need to keep better tabs on the members of your own government. It's been three hours and all we can locate of Desmond Collins are his shoes. {Cut to Desmond's legs laying out in hallway. Drew is tickling his feet with a feather tied to a pencil.}

DESMOND: No! No! Please stop! I can't take it anymore! Please no! (Cut back to PMO}

PIERRE: Now, Mister Hacker, I want Desmond Collins found, but I do not want you turning Parliament hill into an armed camp. Cross me and I'll have your badge! That goes for you too Da Vinci! {Pan over to Leonardo DaVinci who looks irritated and walks out of the office, slamming the door behind him.}

DA VINCI: See if I do your portrait when you retire!

HACKER: Sir, should I draw attention to the fact that I don't have a badge?

PIERRE: No, that will be all. {Cut to library. Charlotte is hunched over papers. Goggles is zipping about the room intermittently.}

CHARLOTTE: Hmm, interesting. {Goggles, stops in between zips to speak in bursts at this point.}

GOGGLES: What'd-you-find? (zip) Is-it-an-airplane? (zip) Or-maybe-a-truck? (zip) Possibly-a-

CHARLOTTE: Equipment requisitions. There's dynamite, alright, but not earth moving equipment. And there's too much fuse to do anything as simple as blowing up a rock face.

GOGGLES: Maybe-he's-got (zip) a-really-big-sand-castle (zip) and-he-wants-to-make-it-go-fshhhh!

CHARLOTTE: But there's not any buildings that are falling apart.

GOGGLES: (zip) 'smore-fun-that-way (zip) blow-up-something (zip) cuz-you-don't-like-how-it-looks.

CHARLOTTE: But... oh no! {Shrink frame to upper left corner of screen. Rest of screen is Desmond's legs still sticking out into hallway. CD Howe walks up to him.}

CD HOWE: Well, isn't this convenient. {Howe grabs Desmond by his legs.} Ugh! Ever heard of odor eaters? {Howe begins to drag him off. Shrink to lower left corner. Rest of Screen reveals Tommy Douglas saddling up to bar with cup of coffee.}

TOMMY: Mmm, Good coffee. {Audible slurp. Shrink to lower right corner to reveal a yellow digital clock ticking down.)

{End Credits}