Episode 11: Steak Holders

Major Characters: Pierre Trudeau, John A Macdonald, Desmond Collins, John Diefenbaker, Charlotte, Rene Levesque, Tommy Douglas, Chick Turner.

Minor Characters: Don Cherry, Ron MacLean, Kaiser Wilhelm, Wilfrid Laurier, RB Bennett, Robertson Davies, Pierre Berton, Drew the Dove, Horatio Sanz.

{Exterior: Gorffwysfa Mansion. Interior: Main Foyer. John A enters and is greeted at the door by Trudeau who is wearing a grey golf shirt and slacks.}

PIERRE: John, a pleasure to have you here.

JOHN A: I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be. {Cut to interior: Jeanie's bottle. John is sitting with a bottle in one arm and the other off camera. Pan left to reveal other arm around Marvin Haglish.} You know, you did great work on this series. {Cut back to Main Foyer.} Anyway I know why you're here. You need support to get your programme through the house.

PIERRE: Yes.

JOHN A: And so you want my party to enter into coalition with the governing Greys.

PIERRE: Yes, on one condition: {Ominously} You must get me a chockie bar. {spirited} Oh! and you have to get Desmond into your caucus.

JOHN A: But how? We've run out of humorous montages this season. {Buzzer sounds. Cut to Don and Ron.}

RON: Ooh! and Macdonald breaks the fourth wall for a suspension of disbelief, breaking a streak of nearly one and a half episodes!

CHERRY: I tell ya Ron, I've seen this a million times. Kids at home: If you're not gettin' a lot of time in play, don't try to get too fancy when the coach puts you out on the ice. Just stick to the jokes! None of that meta-humour. Won't play in the stands!

ROD: Uh, Don, they're in Pierre's foyer.

CHERRY: That's it! I don't know what I gotta do to get fired! {Jumps on desk. Drops pants. Privates are covered up/highlighted by a blue glow.}

RON: Well, that's my contract fulfilled. Time to make the donuts... And then I'm gonna die! {Run Hockey Night Credits. End with: Dedicated to the memory of Jon Lovitz. Cut back to foyer.}

PIERRE: At any rate, Desmond turned a lot of heads during the throne speech. He's also got a habit of asking probing questions that embarrass the government. {Cut to Interior: Commons Chamber.}

KAISER: The Speaker recognizes the Honorable member for Diefenbaker's Bar and Grill, Tuesdays are wing night. Whether left wing or right wing Dief's got good wings!

DESMOND: Mister Speaker. Will the Finance Minister admit to this house that the government's accounting is in a shambles and that it may be too late before we discover a massive deficit?

RB BENNETT: Mister Speaker I am certain the government's fiscal affairs are in order. We've had a small degree of difficulty in rectifying our records, but the government has not, I repeat, has not lost control of accounting.

DESMOND: Mister Speaker could the Finance Minister inform the house as to the reason that he is not wearing pants? {Cut to full view of Bennett, indeed pantsless.}

BENNETT: Ninjas. {Cut back to foyer.}

PIERRE: In addition, the man is an unknown. Unlike most of us, he has no real political history. He didn't have the chance to make any enemies and his reputation didn't precede him here. I need someone like that close to me as opposed to where I can't keep track of him.

JOHN A: Well, yes but I don't know that he will support your government's programme. We don't know what price he's going to extract.

PIERRE: At any rate John, I'm sure he's a decent fair thinking individual, but the fact remains that I can't afford surprises right now so it's imperative that he be on the right side of the mace.

{Interior Desmond's apartment. Desmond is on the floor in a fetal position covering his eyes.} 

DESMOND: Augh! Augh! My eyes! Man that's painful! {Pull back to reveal Diefenbaker standing by light switch in fishing gear.}

DIEF: Come on Test line, today's the day you promised to go fishing with me.

DESMOND: How can you possibly be awake at this hour?

DIEF: Eleven O'Clock?

DESMOND: Yes in the morning! The morning is for sleeping. Except the early morning. That's for drinking.

DIEF: There'll be beer.

DESMOND: Unwisely early beer? What are we waiting for?! {Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Both exit, Desmond is clad in jeans and a T-shirt. Both enter a black Studebaker and drive off. Interior: Diefenbaker's Studebaker.} You know, Chief, I'd have never thought that you'd buy this particular brand of car.

DIEF: I didn't, Delorean. This Studebaker came to be on my property one day. {Flash back to Louis Riel in drivers seat of Studebaker.}

LOUIS: Making exceptionally good time. I should beat Jules Verne around the world if the roads on the Atlantic are this good... Oh look a drive in! {Jerks wheel to left, loud crash. Studebaker is crumpled against wall of Diefenbaker's. A hubcap is rolling down the street. Louis gets out of the car his head flopping at his side.} No, wait! I'll take you to our leader! {Begins running after hubcap. Voice fades out.} Faster adorable kittens, Kill! Kill! {Location: A beautiful lake surrounded with pine trees. Studebaker pulls up. Desmond and Dief exit the car.}

DIEF: {Takes a deep sniff.} Ah, smell that air!

DESMOND: {Cracks open a beer, guzzles, tosses can over shoulder.} Yeah it's great. You brought dynamite right?

DIEF: Edward, when you agreed to go fishing with me you were of sound mind right?

DESMOND: Yeah, I just finished riding that mechanical bull. 

DIEF: We don't have a mechanical bull. {Long pause.}

DESMOND: That reminds me, we lost the deposit on one of the kegs. {Looks sideways.} It's comin' right for us! {Grabs fishing rod. Casts it starts reeling in. Kitten is snagged by the rod by it's collar. Cut to photo of Desmond holding kitten by test line grinning. Pick up from that frame.} Okay let's open this thing up, I'm hungry. {Dief unwraps a sandwich and hands it to Desmond. Desmond takes a look at kitten.} You got lucky. {Takes a bite out of sandwich.}

{Exterior: Parliament. Interior: Parliamentary bar. Charlotte is sitting at the bar eating a steak.}

CHARLOTTE: Mmm, Corpse Flesh. {Cut to close up of Charlotte plunging her fork into the steak. Cut back. John A walks in.}

JOHN A: Hey, Charlotte. Enjoying a delicious steak I see.

CHARLOTTE: Indeed. So juicy and delicious.

JOHN A: Well, that's all I wanted to see about. {Walks away. Cut to location: Lake. Dief and Desmond are sitting in the boat in the middle of lake. Cut in close to boat. Dief is baiting a hook.}

DIEF: Worm go on the hook. Hook go in the water. Fish go near the hook.

DESMOND: Gotcha.

DIEF: So when I pull the fish out of the water and into the boat you smack the fish with the oar, got it?

DESMOND: Got it! {Brings up both hands quickly to present the oar. Oar flies out of his hands and out of the boat many yards away. Splash!}

DIEF: I like your enthusiasm but we're going to need to get that oar. So take the other oar-

DESMOND: Okay! {Grabs oar, which goes flying out of hands over head and many yards away. Splash!}

DIEF: Well, now we have to use the out- {Desmond grabs motor from behind back and flings it out of the boat. Splash! Long pause. Cut away.} Scuba. {Splash!}

ANNOUNCER: Not going anywhere for a while?

DIEF: Rifle. {Splash!} Dammit!

ANNOUNCER: Good, now I can tell you about my summer working dinner theatre!

DESMOND: One question:

ANNOUNCER: Yes?

DESMOND: Who are the chefs?

DIEF: Great googley moogeley. {Interior: Parliamentary Bar. Charlotte is still eating her steak. John A, Pierre Trudeau, Tommy Douglas, and Chick Turner are gathered around her watching with fascination. Rene Levesque walks in, spies Charlotte eating the steak, and stubs out his cigarette and begins watching. 

RENE: Steak huh?

TOMMY: Indeed.

PIERRE: Shh!

CHICK: I gotta see if hrm! anyone's missing this! {Chick runs off.}

{Location: Highway. Dief and Desmond are in boat which is sliding along highway. Sparks are flying from boat.}

BOTH: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

DESMOND: Hey, that's Joe Pesci!

DIEF: And Danny Glover! {Both wave}

BOTH: We're big fans! {Cut back to parliamentary bar. In addition to the previous crowd. RB Bennett, Wilfrid Laurier, Kaiser Wilhelm, and Robertson Davies are watching an increasingly uneasy Charlotte.}

CHARLOTTE: Pretty good steak.

WILFRID: Sure looks that way.

RB BENNETT: Fascinating. {Charlotte continues eating uneasily. Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Louis Riel is walking down the street with a hubcap on his head.}

LOUIS: Damn lying squirrels. Oh look a drive in! {Boat with Diefenbaker and Desmond comes out of nowhere and hits Louis sending him tumbling through the air and landing on his backside on the pavement.} Ziggy, phone for a medium with olives! {Louis jumps on to the hubcap and flies off. Pan left to reveal boat sitting in middle of street with Diefenbaker and Desmond gripping the edge tightly.}

DESMOND: Did we stop?

DIEF: I don't know... Anchor. {Desmond picks up anchor and throws it over his shoulder. Track anchor as it flies over his shoulder and crashes through the window of Diefenbaker's.}

DESMOND: Yeah, we stopped. {Interior: Parliamentary Bar. Crowd is still gathered around Charlotte has one bite of steak left on her plate. She lifts it to her open mouth when Pierre Berton runs up and takes a photo.} 

BERTON: What a scoop! {Cut to black background. Spinning Realm and Message which lands with picture of Charlotte open mouthed and headline: "Woman reporter has Steak" Spinning Gorffwysfa Post lands with same picture. Headline: "Anti Semitism on Rise" Spinning Gorffwysfa Sun lands with samp picture. Headline: "Sex Offender Released" Cut back to Charlotte.}

CHARLOTTE: {Screaming} What the fuck is wrong with you people?! Haven't you seen a woman eat steak before? {Following 7 lines falling on top of each other}

KAISER: Now that you mention it.

WILFRID: Not actually.

CHICK: hrm! Not for a few hrm! years at least.

RENE: It's been far too long cherie.

TRUDEAU: It gives one cause to reflect.

ROBERTSON: Puts my best prose to utter shame and ruination.

RB BENNETT: I just like steak!

{All except John A and Charlotte exit.}

CHARLOTTE: Wishing they had voted for your women's sufferage bill?

JOHN A: Madam, you cannot conceive. {John A. Gets up and walks away. Cut to Dief and Desmond still in the boat, white knuckled, still rigidly staring ahead. John A walks up to Desmond and Dief.}

DESMOND: John! A pleasure to see you.

JOHN A: As always. Desmond the Prime Minister wants to make you the new infrastructure minister if you'll agree to join my party in coalition.

DESMOND: Sure.

JOHN A: I thought that it'd be tougher than that.

DESMOND: Well, with the government on the verge of collapse the only one who will definitely gain seats in an election is CD Howe and I really don't trust him with the levers of power.

DIEF: Maxwell?

DESMOND: Yeah, Chief?

DIEF: I hope you don't take this personally, because I really appreciate all you've done for... to me, but I have to let you go, you being a cabinet minister and all.

DESMOND: I can still rent the apartment, right?

DIEF: Sure, you're a good tenant. Oh and Bottled Beer?

DESMOND: Yes.

DIEF: Thank you for coming fishing with me. I really needed the chance to unwind.

DESMOND: Anytime.

{Cut to Drew sitting on Horatio Sanz' shoulder who is sitting on couch. Sanz looks up at Drew.}

SANZ: That was weird.

{End Credits.}