Episode 9: The Caffeine Audition

Major Characters: Desmond Collins, John Diefenbaker, John A. MacDonald, Charlotte, Tommy Douglas, Chick Turner, Robert Stanfield, Pierre Trudeau, Goggles.

Minor Characters: Drew the Dove, Sir John Thompson, Jean Drapeau, Jean Lesage, Jean Marchand, Jean Chretien, John Candy, John Abbott, Kaiser Wilhelm, Bill, Walter Gordon, Wilfrid Laurier, RB Bennett.

{Opening Credits}

{Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Interior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond is going over the books. Clarinet is being played ala Cheers intro. Diefenbaker pulls out shot gun. Music abruptly stops.}

DIEF: Register this? Pheh!

DESMOND: Good thinking Chief. Speaking of good ideas, I've got one that I think will bring in some more customers.

DIEF: Dilbert, will this in anyway affect my major league comeback?

DESMOND: But... you... Pearson's the baseball man. {Dief takes on a pained expression.}

DIEF: Dear God, what have I done?

DESMOND: So this means you don't want to hear my idea?

DIEF: No! Yes! I don't care, just do it Coleslaw. I'm sure it'll work fine.

DESMOND: Okay, I'll need $750.

DIEF: Let me just check the lost and found. {Produces box and begins to rustle.} Issue one of Action Comics... That grail that turns you into a skeleton... Godfather four... Other incredibly rare item... The fifth season of Duckman on DVD... Ah, here we are, $750 dollars. {Tommy Douglas enters.}

TOMMY: Good day John.

DESMOND: Please don't call him that. It's much too confusing.

TOMMY: Really?

DESMOND: Watch this. Phone call for a John... {John A. Macdonald enters.}

JOHN A. I'm here! {Chick Turner enters.}

CHICK: It hrm! may be hrm! for hrm! me. {Pats Tommy's ass. Sir John Thompson enters.}

THOMPSON: Pint of beer and the phone, Dief. {John Candy walks in.}

CANDY: Hey, guys how's it goin'? {John Abbott walks in.}

ABOTT: Phone call for me? {Jean Drapeau, Jean Lesage, Jean Marchand, and Jean Chretien enter.}

CHRETIEN: Arrrrrrrr!

DESMOND: ...George Diefenbaker {All "John"s leave except Chretien, who stops, looks at Tommy and Desmond, pepper sprays Desmond, and chokes Tommy. Dief produces shotgun.}

CHRETIEN: Pirate ninja! Dere on to us! {Runs out.} Somebody get this freakin' dove away from me! {Desmond and Tommy get up and begin straightening themselves out}

DESMOND: I'm never demonstrating that again.

DIEF: Thank goodness for that John.

TOMMY: At any rate I'm here to claim a lost item.

DIEF: And that would be.

TOMMY: A roll containing seven hundred and fifty dollars.

DIEF: Okay... Can you describe it?

TOMMY: It's made of paper.

DIEF: And?

TOMMY: It's green.

DIEF: Green? Green money? Derrida, have you ever heard anything so... Green! {Begins laughing uproariously.}

TOMMY: I suppose it was a little fanciful. I mean how do you get $750 from twenties? {Begins laughing}

DESMOND: Well, you could always use... dollar bills! {Falls down laughing. Charlotte enters, sees all three doubled over in laughter. Walks over, grabs $750 and walks out.}

DIEF: What were we laughing about now?

DESMOND: Green money!

DIEF: He he! that was a good one. Here Tommy, have a beer on the house.

TOMMY: Well, alright, but really, that laugh was enough libation for me. Green money!

DESMOND: Good times. {Charlotte comes back in with a Karaeoke machine. Begins setting it up.} Anyway, we've got to get to the house for question period.

{Exterior: Parliament. Interior: House of Commons chamber. Trudeau is wearing a Saturday night fever costume.}

KAISER: The Speaker recognizes the Right Honourable Leader of the Opposition.

DIEF: Mister Speaker is it the intent of this government to take action on the Content Act before the close of this session?

PIERRE: Mister Speaker we on this side of the house are not rigidly devoted to a time table and I am unable to elaborate further.

DIEF: Will the Prime Minister tell the house when he intends to return the bill for second reading?

PIERRE: Just as soon as he tells us what we want to know. {Cut to dark interrogation style room. Bill is sitting in chair under lights finally breaks into tears.}

BILL: Alright! Alright! A bill is introduced to the house for second reading for the purpose of real substantive debate this is when the bill is brought to committee and amended. Debate begins on second reading... You know this would be much easier if I sang... {Someone strikes Bill with a club.} Okay, I'm sorry. {Cut back to Commons chamber.}

KAISER: The Speaker recognizes the Honourable member for Football-Banana-Underwear-Zap-You're-Frozen-Alsheimers.

STANFIELD: Can we please change my riding name?

CHICK: hrm! No. hrm!

STANFIELD: Then could the Honourable Safety Minister inform the house about the status of the supposed poltergeist haunting the ventilation shafts? {All make concerned noises.}

CHICK: hrm! Yes. hrm!

STANFIELD: Well?

CHICK: Just hrm! ninja blood hrm! {All make reassured noises.}

KAISER: The Speaker recognizes the Honourable member for Impossibly Long Riding Name That's Really Just Dief's Bar... and the Wild Rose, because somebody's having a hissy fit. {Cut to Fat Man sitting in the corner pouting.}

DESMOND: Mister Speaker, when does the Trade and Commerce minister intend to commence discussions with the Prince of Darkness regarding the aforementioned trade agreement?

GORDON: I think that's really a question for the External Affairs minister.

DESMOND: Mister Speaker, when does the External Affairs minister intend to commence discussions with the Prince of Darkness regarding the aforementioned trade agreement? 

WILFRID: I think that's really a question for the Minister of Trade and Commerce.

DESMOND: Mister speaker, there's only one thing to do in this situation!

KAISER: Which is?

DESMOND: Mix beer and hard liquor! {Cut to Desmond hunched over toilet, making grunting noises.} Aha! {Pulls large fish from the toilet.} Now to find my pet alligator, Maimey. {Cut back to commons floor}

KAISER: The Speaker recognizes the Right Honourable Leader of the Cagey ol' Pol party.

JOHN A: Thank you Mister Speaker. Does the finance minister intend to present a balanced budget to the house this year?

RB BENNETT: Mister Speaker, we will present many budgets to the house this year. I'm sure one, while being impossible to meet, will be balanced.

JOHN A: Moronsayswhat?

RB BENNETT: Pardon?

JOHN A: Moron. Says. What?

RB BENNETT: I believe that's a correct assertion. {Cut to adorable little child in gallery wearing a flight cap and goggles, who looks surprised.}

GOGGLES: He's good. {Sitting next to him is Charlotte. Drew is on her shoulder. Focus on Charlotte voice over with a rich baritone monologue.}

VO: When I saw that little boy sitting there impressed at the parry of Big John's moronsezwhat I didn't think too much of him. These walls will do that do you. Make you forget the look of wonder on a child's face when he sees his first parliamentary debate. It was then that I knew that I would go to the old oak tree and have a delicious Carnation instant shake. The liquid meal that doesn't leave you feeling deprived. But it wasn't a million dollar breakfast shake. I instead found that it was reasonably priced in individual servings and six packs. An amnesiatic woman reporter living in a Canadian political Valhalla style afterlife gets to remembering these sort of things.

{Cut to Charlotte sitting in the shade of an Oak Tree on Parliament hill. Cut closer. Closer. Normal view.}

CHARLOTTE: Mmm. Good shake! {Looks at watch.} Crap I have to find that edition of Hansard in five minutes before the library of parliament closes. {Takes another sip of the shake. Gets up and runs back to parliament. Drew flies after her. Exterior: Parliamentary Library. Large Arched Doors leading to a Cavernous room carrying very high shelved books. A small figure is zipping from ladder, to filing cabinet, etc. leaving a brown blur in its wake. When he momentarily stops it becomes obvious that this is Goggles. Cut to Charlotte's eyes tracking Goggles across the room. Quietly} Hmm. Excuse me? {Goggles immediately appears at Charlotte's feet looking up at her and blinking inquisitively.} Uh, yes. I was hoping you could help me find the Hansard covering the debate on the railways bill. {Goggles disappears. And appears a split second later holding the book, which is as large as he is, above his head.} Does your diet consist solely of hummingbird feeders?

GOGGLES: No-I-have-an-espresso-maker-wanna-see? {Grabs Charlotte's arm and runs away, pulling the arm with him. Arm begins stretching.}

CHARLOTTE: I'm beginning to regret that shake. {Flies off screen. Drew tumbles to ground. Cut to help desk where Goggles is buzzing around the espresso machine.}

GOGGLES: This one time, at band-

CHARLOTTE: Do it, and you're off the series.

GOGGLES: I'm-Goggles-I-run-the-library-here-well-I-don't-run-the-library-but-I-sorta-do-everything-but-Robertson-Davies-really-runs-it-cuz-he's-the-Edu... ed... school-minister-and-when-I-grow-up-I-wanna-be-a-pol'tician-just-like-him-too!

CHARLOTTE: Thanks for the book, Goggles. My name is Charlotte it's a pleasure to meet you. {Drew flies up to Charlotte and takes a sip out of her espresso. Drew gets an excited look and flies off. Charlotte non-chalantly dumps the espresso in the waste basket.}

GOGGLES: No-problem-lady-I-gotta-get-back-to-work-now. {Zips off. Charlotte slowly backs out of room.}

{Interior: Parliamentary lobby. Desmond is just waving goodbye to others in the lobby. Walks out and comes up against Charlotte.}

DESMOND: Charlotte! Sorry, I didn't see you there.

CHARLOTTE: What's that supposed to mean? That I'm not significant? That just because I'm not some sort of world beating great politician I'm not worth talking to? Is that it?!

DESMOND: No. I was looking the other way and nearly ran into you.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, right. Sorry, I had a really bad shake for lunch. Anyway, I've got an article to write and you've got to get back to the bar for massive amounts of drinking.

DESMOND: {Grinning widely} Not tonight. Tonight I've got to meet CD. He wants to talk to me about a secret plot he's planning to oust Prime Minister Trudeau and replace him with a government that will build a massive hydro-power project. {Complete silence as Charlotte looks at Desmond flabbergasted and Desmond continues grinning toothily.} Well, have fun with that article, I'm going to the bar! {Walks off screen.}

CHARLOTTE: Now I have to work late. {Interior: Diefenbaker's. Drew is perched on a microphone blue screen behind him reads: "Radiohead - Paranoid Android" Drew taps the mic with his beak three times, puffs up his chest, and opens his beak}

{End Credits}