Episode 8: Beer Guy Down Under

Major Characters: Desmond Collins, John A. Macdonald, Charlotte, Mackenzie King, Chick Turner, General Hacker, CD Howe.

Minor Characters: Assassin, Ninja, Adam West, Horatio Sanz, Robertson Davies, Sinclair Stevens, Fish Monger, RB Bennett, Wilfrid Laurier, Tecumseh

 {Interior: Parliamentary Lobby: Exterior: Parliamentary Lounge. Interior: Parliamentary lounge. Desmond looks like death warmed over and is still wearing his jacket from yesterday, still in yesterday's condition. i.e. stained with puke and bird shit}

DESMOND: Bartender? Glass of ketchup. {John A walks in.}

JOHN A: Well laddie, recuperating well from last night?

DESMOND: Could you please stop doing that so loudly?

JOHN A: Talking?

DESMOND: No that rythmic pounding coming from your chest.

JOHN A: Super hearing that you didn't previously have? That's two Mary Sue points for you.

DESMOND: Quiet please.{Bell ringing} Yah!

JOHN A: Oh don't worry that's just the bell calling us to question period.

DESMOND: There was a bell? {John A looks at Desmond for a second.} Hangover!

JOHN A: I remember those. Of course, I was dead drunk last night. {Interior Wayne and Shuster studio. John A is threatening Wayne with a broken bottle. Shuster is being held by Wayne as a human shield.}

{Opening credits}

{Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Pull back to reveal a sniper clad in black ops costume on a hill.}

ASSASSIN: Okay, Mister Diefenbaker, you won't be making life dief-icult for my client anymore. Hurk! {Ninja appears behind assassin. Assassin falls to ground, revealing throwing star. Interior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond, Diefenbaker, Charlotte, and White Dove are having lunch. White dove, hearing the shot gets up from its birdseed and walks off screen.}

DESMOND: So Chief, how are you planning to handle the content bill?

DIEF: Well like any good idea the government has it's my job to obstinately oppose it without really considering its merits, but I'd like to get them to loosen the rope. I mean there are only about ten thousand people here. {Gordon Lightfoot walks in.}

GORDON: Why that's more than the souls that were lost from that song called the Wreck of the Edmund- {Dief throws a bottle at him, crashing against the door frame. Gordon runs out}

DESMOND: I'm surprised he didn't doge that in bullet time. {Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Fonzie is on a motorcycle looking crestfallen. He rides off. Interior Diefenbaker's}

CHARLOTTE: {With a mouthful of salad.} And I'm surprised that you didn't reference another series that you haven't ever actually seen. {Cut to man in 60's Batman costume appearing behind ninja.}

ADAM WEST: I'm Lookwell. {Ninja shoots Adam West. Cut back to Diefenbaker's.}

DESMOND: You're cute when you masticate. {Back to hilltop}

NINJA: Take a... break? He he. I'm too good. {Picks up rifle. Cut to scope view, which tracks around the interior of Diefenbaker's slowly finding focus on Diefenbaker.} Well, this shouldn't be too dief-icult. He he.

ASSASSIN: I already used that. {Ninja walks up points rifle at assassin and a shot rings out.} 

NINJA:Right, back to what I do best. Marksmanship. Time to die Mister Diefenbaker. {Cut to finger on trigger. {Cut to non-scope view of ninja. White Dove is flying determinedly towards ninja. Caption: "Dove: Comedicus Hinuts". Cut to ninja. Caption: Ninja: Deus ex Machinae. Dove crashes into ninja.} Crap! {Shot rings out. Exterior: Lightheart music. Charlotte's balcony window is broken. The dove flies towards the window.} Time for this ninja to kill two birds with one stone.

ASSASSIN: That's not particularly original. {Ninja walks up and begins clubbing Assassin with rifle. Stops.} Right, the ransacking! {Runs off screen.}

{Interior: Charlotte's apartment. Dove is picking up shards of glass and putting them into a neat little pile. Horatio Sanz is giggling. Ninja bursts in.}

NINJA: Excellent! The place is empty.

SANZ: Dude! I'm like, fat Jimmy Morrison! {Begins laughing.}

NINJA: Excellent! the place is empty. {Begins going through drawers. Close up on dove. Dove looks up and gets an angry look in its eyes. Exterior: Lightheart music. Charlotte and Desmond are standing in front of the entrance door. There are fighting noises coming from the apartment}

CHARLOTTE: Well, that was not a particularly stupid lunch hour. But I've really got to get back to writing my article.

DESMOND: What are you writing on?

CHARLOTTE: I figure I can coast for my first few months on lurid details about what a lousy date Pierre is.

DESMOND: Burned the soup eh?

CHARLOTTE: Why does that sound like an innuendo? {Adam Sandler appears on screen strumming a guitar}

SANDLER: Baby, baby, baby, I wanna taste your watercress. I wanna slip my celery stick down- {A knife falls from above and embeds itself in Sandler's skull. Sandler falls to ground.}

DESMOND: Hey, what's that noise coming from your apartment in suspicious fashion?

SANDLER: Dozen times.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, I have a Horatio Sanz infestation.

DESMOND: You know what I find works well for getting rid of those? Ninjas.

CHARLOTTE: That made absolutely no sense.

DESMOND: Yeah. But it was funny.

CHARLOTTE: No. No it wasn't.

SANDLER: Dozen times.

DESMOND: Well, I've got to go cry now.

CHARLOTTE: And I've got an article to write. {Desmond walks off. Charlotte opens door and walks upstairs. Ninja falls to ground with thud. Interior: Charlotte's apartment. The place is in shambles. Door opens to reveal Charlotte.} What the... {Charlotte spies Dove.} You little winged rodent! {Starts chasing after Dove. Dove flies out window and down onto Ninja and begins to pack at him.}

NINJA: Very well, wing-ed foe. If you desire a challenge then a challenge you shall have. {Bats Dove off person and begins running to parliament buildings.}

{Exterior: Parliament. Interior: Parliamentary Lobby. Exterior: Room with sign, "Cabinet in session." Interior: Cabinet room. Seated around the table clockwise, person, "title plates" from Trudeau, "Prime Minister": CD Howe, "Infrastructure"; Tecumseh, "Culture"; Mackenzie King, "Labour and Social Development"; General Hacker, "Security"; Walter Gordon, "Trade and Commerce"; Chick Turner, "Safety"; Sinclair Stevens, "Justice"; Wilfrid Laurier, "External Affairs"; Chubby Power, "Leader in the Senate"; Robertson Davies, "Information and Education"; RB Bennett, "Finance." Trudeau is wearing a Don Cherry style plaid jacket with the neck cut up to his chin. Davies is puffing on a pipe and Chubby has a bottle of beer sitting beside him.}

SINC: Excuse me Mister Prime Minister, but I was always of the impression that providing preference to Gorffwysfans in the interests of developing their own culture would be to the benefit of building a stronger culture. May I remind you gentlemen that, unlike Canada, we are barely eighty years old. We were birthed at the inception of these institutions.

KING: I don't think I need any reminding of that, thank you.

SINC: Yet it's important to note the ways in which Gorffwysfa is different from Canada, {Shoots Trudeau a look.} in that this is very much a different kettle of fish. {Fish monger bursts into cabinet room.}

FISH MONGER: {Singing} Who will buy this big smelly haddock? {Not singing}Oh. I'm sorry, you're busy. {Leaves.}

HACKER: Pierre that's exactly what I've been taking about. We need to tighten security here!

WILFFRID: At any rate you're right, Sinclair, but let's remember that we don't want to make those of us here who still identify as Canadian feel nervous. We want to allow for the collective expression of individual freedoms. And to the extent that Gorffwysfans have elected us on the mandate on protecting culture from that dreck south of the border... {Grabs remote. Turns on TV.}

SATAN: Who's been using my hot pit of human souls? Was it you Samantha? Angela? Mona? Christopher? Ah, who cares? You're all going to burn! {Some screaming. Wilfrid turns off the TV.}

DAVIES: Yes, but Wilfrid, it's not that easy. There's a lot of people who aren't of Canadian descent and even then it depends on what Canadian you appoint to that ministry. Not all culture ministers are going to be as inclusive as Mr...

TECUMSEH: Just Tecumseh.

DAVIES: My point exactly. You could get some learned fool like me in there.

CHICK: {Clears throat} Now, lets look at this from every possible angle. {Grabs sheaf of papers. holds out in front of him. Looks underneath it. Sets sheaf of notes on table looks at top of it.} I like whatever you guys like. But rest assured that I {Clears throat} came to this {Clears throat} principled decision after much soul searching and consideration. {Close up on air vent. Cut to ventilation shaft view. Ninja is shimmying down ventilation shaft.}

NINJA: Okay, failed to Kill Diefenbaker with cyanide tipped bullets. Search of the girl's apartment turned up negative. I better at least manage to gas the cabinet room {Cut to view underneath the cabinet table. Gas mask is poking out of briefcase sitting next to legs of one of the ministers. Cut to over the shoulder view of Ninja crawling through ventilation shafts. Dove appears from T junction.}

DOVE: Coo. Coo! {Bird waddles up to ninja. Cut to close up on Ninja making pained expressions.}

NINJA: Stop that! {Pull out to reveal Dove attacking Ninja's backside. Ninja tries to turn around to confront Dove, but gets stuck by his own doubled over girth. Dove produces 'Rambo style combat knife. Throwing knife to each wing, Dove motions to  Ninja. Ninja struggles and is unable to move. Interior: Cabinet room.}

CD HOWE: Listen, as I was saying, I don't agree with this proposal and I say we need more time.

NINJA: Eyaaaaaaaugh!

HACKER: What was that?

BENNETT: Old building. Nothing to worry about. {Blood begins dripping from ventilation shaft.} 

GORDON: And the blood?

BENNETT: Poltergeist.

GORDON: A poltergeist?

BENNETT: Yes.

GORDON: At this latitude?

BENNETT: Yes.

GORDON: At this time of year?

BENNETT: Yes.

GORDON: Located in that ventilation shaft?

BENNETT: Yes.

GORDON: So you would hear R's as B's?

BENNETT: Precisely.

GORDON: All right then.{Interior: Charlotte's apartment. Charlotte is just finishing cleaning up the glass, when the Dove slams into her window.}

CHARLOTTE: Even the animals are stupid here. {Goes to window. Picks up dove.} Look, if you're going to live here, two rules: One. Assume that all windows are closed. Two. We need to find you a name. I think I'll get tired of calling you Dove. {Dove produces pencil with eye hanging off it. Shakes eye off pencil leaving a trace of gore.} Well that's... kind of cute. Let's see what do you do with a pencil. Write. Writey! No that's no good. You draw... Drew! Okay. You're Drew. Like that? {Dove shakes head.} Tough. {Dove looks out of corner of eye and tries to fly off only to run into window.} That's going to be a habit with you isn't it? {Cut to hill side to reveal Tom Selick on hillside with rifle in hand. Ninja wearing eyepatch is standing over his shoulder.}

NINJA: You've loaded the cyanide tipped bullets?

SELICK: Yep.

NINJA: Do you see the wavy haired bastard?

SELICK: I see him.

NINJA: Well, kill him!

SELICK: This one's for Higgins. {Interior Diefenbaker's The Beer Guy is berating Diefenbaker.}

BEER GUY: Keeping the beer at 5 degrees? You might as well unzip trow and take a prodigious leak into... {Shattering sound. Beer guy clasps neck and collapses to ground. Cut back to hillside.}

NINJA: Eh, good enough.

{End Credits}