Episode 7: Drinking night in Gorffwysfa

Major Characters: Charlotte, Pierre Trudeau, John A Macdonald, Desmond Collins, John Diefenbaker, Rene Levesque, Tommy Douglas, Robert Stanfield

Minor Characters: Don Cherry, Ron Maclean, Beer Guy, White Dove, Bob and Doug Mackenzie.

{Exterior: Highway at night. Trudeau and Charlotte are driving in Trudeau's Mercedes. Pierre is wearing a corduroy sport jacket.}

CHARLOTTE: What a lovely possession. I'm sure it makes up for the hole in your heart that only self imposed loneliness can bring. I'm sorry that was rude and envious of me.

TRUDEAU: That's fine I've been called worse things by better people. Not prettier people though.

CHARLOTTE: Do you really think cheap flattery is going to help your case here?

TRUDEAU: Usually does If that doesn't work I have fall back options.

CHARLOTTE: Like what? A secluded night time picnic complete with champagne and drunken driving?

TRUDEAU: {Grabs picnic basket, which the dove is perched on, and throws it out of the car surreptitiously.} No.

CHARLOTTE: Or maybe you've got a support team hooked up via radio coaching you?

TRUDEAU: Now, I don't think that you can win saying wrong war, wrong place, wrong time.

CHARLOTTE: What was that?

TRUDEAU: Freedom's on the march.

CHARLOTTE: Well it could be worse I could be spending another depressing night at that bar with the idiot, the idiot, And the idiot.

{Interior Diefenbaker's. John A and Desmond are sitting at a two person table in the centre of the room. Close up on Desmond who is staring John A down in an attempt to read him. Close up on John A who is watching the TV over his shoulder. Close up on Desmond who is taking a bite out of a loaf of bread and chewing it angrily. Close up on John A who is taking a swig from a flask.}

DESMOND: It's nothing personal John. Actually it is because I... no wait that's not right. I just hate the PM and you're a handy surrogate.

JOHN A: Opening drinking banter. {Pull back to reveal Dief wearing a referee's uniform.}

DIEF: Okay gentlemen I want a good clean drinking sequence. Desmond, you are the challenger so you'll drink first. You can call for a shot of whatever alcohol we have.

DESMOND: Whiskey.

CROWD: Gasp! {Cut to Don Cherry and Ron MacLean sitting at the bar.}

RON: Wow Don! Desmond Collins has decided to open on Macdonal'ds home turf, whiskey.

CHERRY: Yeah well when you're going up against a greatest Canadian like Macdonald you gotta go on the offensive. None of this pansy rope a dope stuff. Kids let that be a lesson to you: Get drinkin' hard and get drinkin' early. I don't wanna see you walk into a fight with a real Kingston bruiser like Macdonald here unless you can make fraud grass out of your liver!

RON: Fois gras, Don?

CHERRY: Dat's what I said: Fraud grass. Now can I finish.

RON: Okay, Don.

CHERRY: Thanks. Jeez! Now as I was sayin' kids you gotta be aggressive here. Get an early start on your drinkin' work it into your routine whenever you can. Start early, by pourin' beer on your corn flakes. {That beer guy pops up behind Don.}

BEER GUY: Beer! On corn flakes?! Are you daft?! The pride of {Cherry, not even looking, flips his arm back popping Beer Guy in the face, causing him to fall off screen.}

CHERRY: Anything you wanna say Ron? {Ron is checking a clipboard. Cut to close up on clipboard. Clip board is a list: "Offensive things to get Don to do: Threaten to sucker punch commissioner, Racial slur, Disparage safety equipment, Expose self on national television, Advocate underage drinking." All except last two are crossed off. MacLean crosses off last on list. Cut back to Ron and Don}

RON: No Don, I think that about covers it.

CHERRY: Alright! Back to the action. {Exterior: Gorffwysfa mansion. Interior: Swimming pool. Charlotte is wearing a blue one piece and Trudeau is wearing a pair of red trunks.}

PIERRE: After you my dear.

CHARLOTTE: You know, I'm not really sure I know how to sw- {Pierre pushes her in.} Eek!

PIERRE: Best way to learn.

CHARLOTTE: You {dubbed in a voice that is obviously not hers} charming rapscallion! {Interior Diefenbaker's. Tommy Douglas is standing behind Macdonald much like a boxing trainer. Rene Levesque is standing behind Desmond in much the same manner.}

RENE: Okay, Desmond you're going to make this English hurt tomorrow. Are you ready to make him fight on muddy ground?

DESMOND: Whatever you say Queen Victoria!

RENE: Alright by my calculations you're hallucinating just enough that you won't be able to taste this, but he will and he won't like it.

DESMOND: As always your majesty I am at your service... Vermouth!

CRROWD: Eww!

TOMMY: Now remember John, when the big man comes forth and asks you how your amateur boxing is going and you reply, certainly sir, but where are the deer to cross? That's when you'll lock up the man. But you can't lock up the liquor!

JOHN A: That alcohol induced hallucination is right! Banzai! {Slams back the shot} Pitcher of Banana Daiquiri! {Stanfield wearing a Carmen Miranda outfit walks by holding up a placard that says 27 on it}

STANFIELD: {Aside} Frankly, I'm just happy they're not doing alsheimer's jokes. {Exterior: Gorffwysfa Mansion. Interior: Kitchen. Smoke is billowing forth. Charlotte is reclined on the couch bemusedly.}

PIERRE: {Obscured by smoke.} Dinner should be just another couple minutes.

CHARLOTTE: What are you making? Some sort of flambe sin against food that would make Dave Thomas turn in his grave. {Cut to Bob and Doug Mackenzie sitting on Great White North set.}

DOUG: Like, I'm not dead yet you hosers.

BOB: Like, hold on Doug, hold on I saw this in a movie once. {Grabs beer bottle and knocks out Doug.} Okay everybody, like see you Thursday. {Cut back to Charlotte on couch.}

PIERRE: Soup. {Charlotte blanches.}

CHARLOTTE: Look, Pierre. It's getting late and I really must be going home.

PIERRE: You could always stay the night.

{Interior: Diefenbaker's. Cut to Don and Ron.}

RON: This is the dangerous part of any drinking competition. The competitors are getting emotional.
CHERRY: Yeah, it ain't pretty Ron and I've seen it happen to tough guys too many times. Kids at home: Be a tough guy, but please be afraid to cry. All that cryin's gonna dehydrate you and the next shot? Boom! Tough actin' Tinactin. {Cut to John A and Desmond.}

DESMOND: To all the girls I've love before. {Slams shot.} Tis better to have loved and lost then never loved at all. {Wipes a tear away from his eye.}

JOHN A: That, my boy, is absolute bull. Kid, you're way better off just taking those things you're feeling and squeezing them down into a bitter little ball, wrapping them in this great game, and pouring booze on it. Like this. {Slams back shot. Replaces glass. Lees to side and falls down.}

RON: {Voice over.} Desmond just need this shot for the win.

DESMOND: Suddenly, I don't feel like drinkin' no more. {Stumbles out the front door.}

RENE: What are we gonna do now?

DIEF: It's okay. {Calling after Desmond.} Deep woods? I'm just gonna take this one for the team! Okay? {Slams shot. Falls over. Exterior Diefenbaker's. Desmond is walking forelornly down the street.}

DESMOND: {Singing to self.} Here's to the losers, the ones whose luck ran out before they reached the finish line the ones who had to sit and watch their laurels dyin' on the vine. {Cut to interior Trudeau's bedroom. Pierre is laying in bed with the covers on top of him, rose on the covers, smoking. Pan sideways to reveal the dove smoking.}

PIERRE: You know there's no better way to end a bad date then by the somewhat dangerous act of smoking in bed with a dove. {Dove drops cigarette and the sheets and rose incinerate. Pierre is wearing red rose boxer shorts.} I'm not giving you cab fare. {Cut to Desmond, leaning against the wall of Lightheart Music, staring up at window longingly. Leans over and makes wretching noise.}

CHARLOTTE: I'm touched.

DESMOND: So how was your date with Gorffwysfa's most eligible bachelor? {Charlotte moves on screen.}

CHARLOTTE: It becomes readily apparent why he's a bachelor. {Desmond looks up over his shoulder at Charlotte.}

DESMOND: Well good, then no one's happy.

CHARLOTTE: Happy is boring. Come on, let's get you home.

DESMOND: I'll be fine here.

CHARLOTTE: Suit yourself you egotistical ass. Did you want to carry me another mile in the hopes that would make me love you? Maybe if I thought I was dying that would help.

DESMOND: You were a lot more personable then.

CHARLOTTE: Ugh! {Storms inside and slams the door.}

DESMOND: I don't need her! I've got a lot going for me! {Dove flies over Desmond and craps on him.} Hey, a quarter!

{End Credits}