Episode 5: Gorffwysfa Angel

Major Characters: Julian Byng. John Diefenbaker, John A Macdonald, Pierre Trudeau, Georges Ettienne Cartier, Robert Stanfield, Donald Flemming, Rene Levesque, CD Howe, Mackenzie King, Tommy Douglas, Desmond Collins, Charlotte.

Minor Characters: Louis Riel, James Lipton, Johnny Wayne, Frank Shuster, The Fat Man, The comedy duo of Stephen Harper  and Tumbleweed Lifeunit, The Dove, Kaiser Wilhelm, Will Ferguson.

{Opening Credits}

{Interior: Senate Chamber. Pierre Trudeau is sitting to the left of the throne dressed as Neo from the Matrix. Governor General Byng is in the Speaker's chair dressed in full vice regal regalia. He is reading dispassionately from a sheaf of notes.}

BYNG: The priorities for this government are myriad, but time demands that I list the most major priorities. The government will introduce legislation to ensure the proper management of debate so as to facilitate the continuation of infrastructure projects, most important of which is the Trans-Valley highway.  {Cut to Diefenbaker leaning to Macdonald}

DIEF: More like Trans-Valley Guillotine. {Cut back to Byng}

BYNG: The crown, in consultation with our ministers, has agreed to enter into a mutually beneficial freer trade agreement with his excellency, The Prince of Darkness for the metals, which are contained within his realm. {Cut to Macdonald leaning to Diefenbaker}

MACDONALD: The blackguard! {Cut back to Byng}

BYNG: Further, given the budgetary constraints of our government, we will be suspending the subsidy for commercial freight shipped via the Grand Line Railway. {Cut to Georges Cartier sitting beside Desmond. Desmond's eyes widen.}

CARTIER: D'accord!

BYNG: I humbly ask parliament to maintain confidence in my ministers as they carry out the business of governing this realm.

DESMOND: The hell, he'll get it. Especially that bit about hell.

CARTIER: I am confused, yet still outraged.

DESMOND: Do we have a deputy speaker yet? I need some air.

CARTIER: Oui, Robert Stanfield. {Cut to Louis Riel outside the Commons chamber.}

LOUIS: Now, you might be wondering, what kind of joke are we going to pull here? Will it be a dullness joke? Will it be a football joke? Maybe it'll be an underwear joke. I'm sorry to disappoint you. We just can't bear to take the highroad here. {Riel breaths at 4th wall, fogging screen, as screen de fogs, we are Interior: Commons chamber, Stanfield is in Speaker's chair, gazing at a banana.}

STANFIELD: I want to kiss you all over, and over and again, I want to kiss you all over, dum dum, dum, 'till the night closes in. {Unwraps banana and takes very large bite.}

{Exterior: Parliament buildings. Desmond walks out takes a deep breath and begins hacking uncontrollably. Camera pans left to reveal Rene Levesque smoking three cigarettes. He is shrouded in smoke.}

RENE: Do you mind, english? Some of us are trying to smoke!

DESMOND: Frog off. {Lights up a giant stogie, reading: "Expo '67" on it.}

RENE: Fine contribution to unity you are!

DESMOND: Gorffwysfa, ces't le beau risque!

RENE:{Mouth no longer in sync with dialogue} Well if we're going to speak French, perhaps it's better we were dubbed, for all the anglos at home.

DESMOND: Very well, if that is your custom. So what brings you here, I thought you hated Canada.

RENE: 1. Were not in Canada. 2. I Don't hate Canadians.

{Will Ferguson pops on screen.}

FERGUSON: I do! Well not really, I just wrote that to sell books and cajole Canadians to be better than their insular selves. Truly we have the opportunity to become a better nation than we currently are. We have the ability to abandon our fear. {All begins to fade except for Will. Background replaced with large Canadian flag as national anthem swells.} We have the chance to become a nation built around the premise of screw you we made it anyway. A nation that is no longer terminally nice. Oh, by the way Rene, sorry for saying that we should have had you killed to prove that we had cojones. A nation that understands its responsibilities and meets them head on! {Will is immediately hit by bus. Cut back to Rene and Desmond.}

RENE: Idiot.

DESMOND: Truly we have taken the first steps to a lasting understanding. I really should be getting back in there. I've got a throne speech debate to preside over.

RENE: I know, I voted for you.

DESMOND: I'm flattered!

RENE: Don't be, Dief said it was the one way we could bring down Trudeau.

DESMOND: And you're not worried that telling me this might ruin Dief's plans?

RENE: You're the speaker, it's a four year nap. {Walking inside, pats Desmond on the back} Enjoy. Oh, you might want to put that out. {Gestures down, the cigar has lit Desmond's robes on fire.}

DESMOND: Yii! Don't panic Des, just stop, drop, and roll!{Does just that.} Oh no! It's just spreading the flames! {Gets up, runs towards canal, jumps in. Swarm of bees fly overhead, then form question mark, and fly away.}

DIRECTOR: Cut! Okay, let's try that again. {Take card held in front of camera.} Queer flaming take 2. Action!

DESMOND: Augh! {Flails to ground, accidentally ringing doorbell. Mackenzie King opens door.}

KING: Hmm. A flaming speaker of the house. Well, these Italian loafers will make short work of it. {Begins to stomp on Desmond}

DESMOND: {Stomp.} Ow. {Stomp} Ow. {Stomp} Ow. {Stomp} Are those real leather?

DIRECTOR: Cut! We can do better people! {Take card held in front of camera.} Queer flaming take 3. Action!

DESMOND: This is highly absurd.

RENE: Hold on! {Exits building. Lights cigarette on flame.} Bien merci!

DESMOND: De rien. {Cut to Desmond sitting on the set of inside the actors studio with James Lipton}

LIPTON: Truly that was one of the most brilliant moments of the show to date. The way that you symbolized death by consumption was truly moving, wasn't it folks? {Audience bursts into applause.} I have to ask you Desmond. I can call you Desmond can't I?

DESMOND: No

{End Credits for 3 seconds}

LIPTON: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hehe! Hoooo. Truly one of the great masters of wit on the stage and screen, the late, the great, Desmond Collins.

DESMOND: What the hell are you...

LIPTON: Now, Desmond, though I suppose a better name might be, Genius von Superbrainensteinowitz Junior the third,

DESMOND: ... Look I thought...

LIPTON: Always my brilliant friend. But we must know. In that scene, what is your motivation? 

DESMOND: Um, the one where I'm on fire?

LIPTON: Yes, truly pivotal to the work.

DESMOND: Well, they, uh, they lit me on fire.

LIPTON: So you were method acting. Did you find the fire helpful?

DESMOND: No James. Fire... fire bad {chops hand across screen}

LIPTON: And were out of time as we've just been sued by Metallica. Join us next week when our guest will be Robert DeNiro who will tell us just where he had to go in his acting vault to play a fearless leader. {Cut back to interior of commons chamber Stanfield is sitting, forelorn}

STANFIELD: Oh, yes we have no bananas, we have no bananas today. We've got string beans, and onions...{Desmond walks back in smoke billowing from his now tattered robes.}

DESMOND: Out of the way, Stanfield. {Cut to Diefenbaker.}

DIEF: Point of order Mr. Speaker, the standing orders clearly prohibit smoking in the commons chamber. {Cut to Desmond}

DESMOND: True enough, but I am instead, smoldering. {Back to Dief}

DIEF: Fair enough. {Dief sits. Back to Desmond}

DESMOND: The Speaker recognizes the honourable member for Carleton-Folksy. {Cut to Tommy Douglas on the opposition benches.}

TOMMY: Thank you mister speaker. Now everybody knows what a cat likes: Mice and cream. Now this particular cat who, for want of a better name, I shall call Mrs. Bo Jangles was chasing a mouse as cats, and capitalism, are wont to do.

DESMOND: Just a moment, Mr. Douglas you're saying that the machinery of capitalism is oiled with the blood of the mice?

TOMMY: Well, the cute ones especially. Now Mrs. Bo Jangles fell into the milk separator that she was chasing the mouse across. And the turning of the crank caused Mrs. Bo Jangles to be processed not into cream, which all cats like, but rather into skim milk. Now if Nixon, that's the mouse's name Mr. Speaker.

ALL: Groan! {Cut back to Desmond.}

DESMOND: The speaker regognizes the Honourable Minister of Stuff Blowed up Real Good. {Cut to CD Howe}

CD HOWE: Mister Speaker, there are two solutions to the problems that fact parliament today: Dynamite and wrecking balls. But enough about parliament, Mr. Speaker I come before the house today to ask the members opposite what right they have in opposing the plans of this government? Sure they were elected by the people to represent a different vision than we have, but I say to them: If their vision for the country was so goddamn great then why are they in opposition, hmm? {Cut back to Desmond}

DESMOND: Order! The honourable minister is using unparliamentary language! Plus he's a fucking idiot. The speaker recognizes the honourable member for Wild Rose for some odd reason.  {Cut to fat man in cowboy suit.}

FAT MAN: Mr. Speaker, I protest completely the name of my riding. Why can't it be named something manly like Gin Creek or Gunsville? {Cut to Flemming.}

FLEMMING: Point of Information Mr. Speaker! {Cut to government front bench, Wayne, Shuster, and Pierre are dressed in Red Tuxedos beating their desks in rythym.}

WAYNE AND SHUSTER AND PIERRE: Doo de do doot do doo de doot do. Doo de doot do doo de doot do. {Cut to Desmond}

DESMOND: Order! Yes, Mr. Flemming. {Cut to Flemming}

FLEMMING: Isn't it true that the honourable member was seen frolicking in a patch of flowers yesterday, even though he purports to hate colours? {Cut to Fat Man}

FAT MAN: He he, I'm sorry, but I can't divulge anything about the nature of that bed of white roses. Oh crap.{Cut to Desmond}

DESMOND: Frolick you shall! The speaker recognises the honourable member for Mount Brights. {Cut to Cartier.}

CARTIER: Mister Speaker, I stand before you to utterly and fully denounce the program of this government. In its callousness it has managed to ignore its obligation to those outside this hallowed chamber who work very hard to support us in our endeavours. They come to Gorffwysfa expecting a government that will be moral and do its utmost to support the cause of freedom. And what is the response of this government? To give comfort to the dark prince. Though I suppose that one that rules by fear, intimidation, and punishment, while purporting to uphold freedom would have little difficulty in working with Satan. The government will surely see this small band crushed and annexed by bringing ourselves so closely into the embrace of such a large and influential neighbour. And what betterway to emasculate Gorffwysfa then by fatally weakening the rights holders of her greatest institution? If this government introduces legislation which clips the wings of our legislators we will doubtless find this body one that declines into an irrelevance equal to that of the parliament from whence we came.{Exterior Canadian House of Commons. Interior commons chamber. A tumbleweed rolls past. Stephen Harper robotically chases after it.}

HARPER: Wait, life unit! We can be friends! I'll cut your taxes.

{Back to Gorffwysfa commons}

CARTIER: And this government his ultimately turned its back on those that through their blood and sweat have built this realm! First we make ourselves comfortable and then we remove support from the millers, the farmers, the miners, the loggers, the smiths, and the masons that built this house, that built this nation. Are we now to say that they are no longer needed. Is our government telling them to go to blazes? Mr. Speaker, that is a most foolish proposition. {Cut to Desmond who has stirred somewhat}

DESMOND: The speaker recognizes the honourable Minister of Industry and Humanity. {Cut to King}

KING: Mister speaker, this government went to the people seeking a mandate for renewed competent management. They gave us a mandate to govern, but that mandate requires that we continue to defend the government's past record and future plans. We carry a responsibility on behalf of Gorffwysfans to secure for them an ever increasing standard of prosperity. If we have appeared callous to the members opposite in doing so it is for precicely that reason that they are not on the government side. They lack the understanding of the needs of those that have come together to form a more perfect government. It is only with patience, with calmness, and with shoeleather...

DESMOND: Ow.

KING: That the people of Gorffwysfa will get what they deserve. A place of rest.

DESMOND: The speaker recognizes the honourable member for Grudgematch-Raillement-Deux. {Cut to Rene}

RENE: Mister Speaker, This government has not been returned for two weeks and in its heart it has betrayed the very people it seeks to represent. Regarding the trade agreement I should like to remind the Prime Minister, and all members assembled why we are here. We are here because more than thity-five hundred men followed General Byng to their deaths at Vimy Ridge. We are here because he and those men fought their way to hell and back, literally mister Speaker, to hell and back. And why did they fight Mr. Speaker? They fought for their freedom. They were not willing to be clasped in even the most loving irons. Our nation is one of stubborn survival. And this government is approaching criminality in its inability to assert this survival. Vive la Gorffwysfa Libre! {Rene sits down as the benches around him erupt in a standing ovation. Cut to Desmond who is also standing and clapping}

DESMOND: Hear! Hear! {Desmond suddenly becomes self concious} Um, I mean {in contrived voice} Anyone else to speak to the speech from the throne and annoy me further? No? Holy shit. All in favour of the speech from the throne? {Cut to government side.}

HALF: Aye! 

DESMOND: All opposed? {Cut to opposition side.}

HALF: Nay! {Cut to Desmond}

DESMOND: We have a tie at 98-98 {Cheers and boos. Desmond begins furiously flipping through the rule book. He takes on a look of shock. He is ashen faced.} No. I can't. I won't! I will not vote on this matter. {CD Howe stands.}

CD HOWE: Point of order, Mister Speaker! In the event of a tie, the speaker is to vote in such a manner as to allow a continuation of the status quo. You sir, are obligated to vote with the government so as to not effect change. {Cut to Diefenbaker}

DIEF: A fine time for you to rely on parliamentary procedure, you blustering hypocrite! {Desmond has vacated the speakers chair. The house descends into disorder. Interior: Parliamentary lobby. Desmond is storming through, bundling up his speaker's robes and stuffing them into a trash can. Exterior: Parliamentary buildings. Desmond storming off. Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond still storming, opens and slams door. Interior: Diefenbaker's. Bar is deserted except for Desmond, who goes behind bar and pours himself a shot, slamming it back.}

DESMOND: Dammit! {A woman walks into the bar. She's tall, lithe, with a large heart shaped face and has a lost look. Her eyes are hazel, her skin fair; her hair is red, shoulder length and tends to fall in an unruly fashion around a widow's peak. She is wearing a grey pants suit.} We're closed!{A white dove slams into the window.}

CHARLOTTE: Seems like an excellent business plan, die of cirrhosis before you can go bankrupt. Of course it doesn't help your chances that you set up shop in a ghost town and gave your bar an unpronounceable name.

DESMOND: Less sarcasm, more drinking.

CHARLOTTE: Before you get too drunk could you do me the courtesy of telling me where I am?

DESMOND: Called Gorffwysfa. Place for souls seeking conflict. Bundled up in Canadian mythology. Don't eat the apple seeds. Wayne and Shuster don't age well. Now do you mind? I'm trying to get drunk here!

CHARLOTTE: Fine! Ass. {Walks out. Pops head back in.} Wait, you wanna run that by me again?

DESMOND: {Pours out last drop in bottle. Looks inside bottle. Eyes Charlotte.} Yeah, sure.

{Interior: Commons chamber. Pierre Trudeau is dressed in a T shirt reading, "I presided over the collapse of the afterlife and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."}

CD HOWE: Does anybody know where the hell this idiot is?

PIERRE: Well, now he didn't know that doing something like this could destroy Gorffwysfa as we know it did he? And whose fault is that? Sir John?

JOHN A: Look how was I supposed to know he wouldn't have the stones to hold his nose and vote? Also, how was I to know that he was going to be speaker of the house?

PIERRE: {Angrily.} You ran him in your rotten borough, and you engineered his election to speaker! {There's a flash of lightening and a crash of thunder.} And if we don't get him back by the end of the day to cast that vote, there won't be a parliament. There won't be a Gorffwysfa.

{Interior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond and Charlotte are sitting by the window, Desmond with a pint of beer and Charlotte with a glass of red wine laughing.}

DESMOND: And then the bus hits him!

CHARLOTTE: Ha! Ha! That must've wrecked him.

DESMOND: Wrecked 'im? Damn near herpes! {Both laughing. The white dove waddles in looking disoriented.}

CHARLOTTE: Get out of here you!

DESMOND: You know this winged rat?

CHARLOTTE: Damn thing keeps following me around. {Winces in pain.} I don't know why.

DESMOND: Are you okay? You looked hurting for a second there.

CHARLOTTE: I'm fine. I don't know what that was.

DESMOND: {Somewhat uneasily} All right. {Trying to lighten mood} So tell me about how you came here. You certainly don't look familiar, Ms...

CHARLOTTE: Charlotte.

DESMOND: You have a last name?

CHARLOTTE: Honestly, I don't know. I can't really remember anything besides turning up in that mansion with this stupid bird and finding no one until I wandered here.

DESMOND: Yeah, they're all at the opening of parliament. We're a regular afterlife Athens here, without the sodomy jokes.

CHARLOTTE: You're actually funny. You'd be surprised how rare that is. {Winces again.} Ooh. Okay, I'm worried now.

DESMOND: Hold on, I'll call for help. {Goes to phone.} No answer at the hospital. They're probably all at parliament. {Crash in background}

CHARLOTTE: Des?

DESMOND: What is it?

CHARLOTTE: Is this normal here? {Charlotte is sprawled on floor. Holds up left hand. It's translucent.}

DESMOND: No. No that's not normal. Come on, we'll get you to someone who can help. It's just a half mile away. Just hold on okay? Don't panic!

CHARLOTTE: Oh-okay. {Desmond lifts Charlotte up by her good arm and begins walking her.}

{Interior: House of Commons chamber.}

DIEF: That's it! I'm going to find him! {Diefenbaker walks to door. Attempts to open it. Door will not open.} It's locked.

PIERRE: {Now dressed in goth outfit} No, John, the only way that door will open is if we get the speaker back in here and have him cast the deciding vote.

{Exterior: Parliament buildings. Desmond is now carrying Charlotte fireman style.}

DESMOND: I didn't know I was this strong.

CHARLOTTE: You never know what you can do-Koff-Koff-until you try.

DESMOND: Shh. Don't talk, save your strength.

CHARLOTTE: {Shakes head} No. I don't want to die leaving anything unsaid.

DESMOND: You're not gonna die, you hear me? That's not how things are done here. Just relax. Everything will be fine.

CHARLOTTE: If everything's fine, then why are you walking faster?

DESMOND: Remember when you winced a bout a half hour back?

CHARLOTTE: Yeah?

DESMOND: Did it feel like a sharp stabbing pain in your heart and head at the same time?

CHARLOTTE: But how did you... oh. {They approach the main door of the parliament buildings. Charlotte now has no arms holding up her suit and her face is becoming translucent. Interior: Parliamentary lobby.}

DESMOND: Somebody? Anybody? Help! {Desmond winces.} Argh! {He collapses onto the floor dropping Charlotte.} Charlotte! Somebody? Help her! Please!

CHARLOTTE: Des. Come here. {Desmond is now kneeling over Charlotte.}

DESMOND: Don't worry. You're going to be just fine.

CHARLOTTE: Shh. I just want you to know that it was nice to talk to a real person for a while. It was nice to feel like I mattered even in the middle of all this pain. {Charlotte blacks out}

DESMOND: Charlotte? {Starts shaking Charlotte.} Don't do this to me! No! {Desmond looks over at the trash can stuffed with his speakers robes. He gets a furious look and goes over to the can.

{Interior: Commons chamber. Fissures are beginning to form in the walls of the chamber.}

JOHN A: Well, Dief we're doomed. I'd like to say that there's no one I'd rather cease to exist beside than you. Well, possibly Raquel Welsh. {Desmond storms in, wearing speaker's regalia.}

PIERRE: Thank goodness you're...

DESMOND: Stow it Trudeau! Now I want all of you to be quiet. Outside there's a young woman, doesn't know where she's from, doesn't know why she's here, doesn't even know her last name. {Cut to Byng watching from the visitors gallery. Cut back to Desmond.} And while the whole lot of you sat here and talked in abstraction, she faded away. {Winces in pain.} Right before my eyes! {Cut to John A.}

JOHN A: Mr. Speaker, if I could just explain.

DESMOND: No! You cannot! I still speak for this house and it is my responsibility to cast the deciding vote in favour of the status quo. I vote for a place where the suffering makes sense. I vote for a place where that doesn't happen! {Gestures to outside.} I vote for no change! I vote Aye! Mister Trudeau, you can keep your office for all the good it does you! Now I'm leaving and nobody try to stop me. You can elect a new speaker! Elect a dickity-rate speaker for all I care! {Cut to Kaiser Wilhelm on the government benches.}

KAISER: Finally, everything is falling into place!

DESMOND: Shut up! {Throws speakers robes at Wilhelm}

CHARLOTTE: Non-sensical ass. {Cut to Charlotte, walking weakly.Cut to dumbfounded Desmond}

DESMOND: But, how? Not that it really matters. {Cut to Pierre, now wearing a Caesarean toga}

PIERRE: You chose. We can't survive without this house. It's our raison d'etre {Dief steps on}

DIEF: It's also our reason to exist.

PIERRE: Uh, yeah. point being that a house divided against itself cannot stand. It will either cease to stand or cease to be divided. {Louis steps on.}

LOUIS: Ah, that man makes great children's toys.

PIERRE: You! Leave! Now!

LOUIS: Very well, but someday I shall return. And when I do I'm bringing pie. Do you hear me? Pie! {Louis is pied in the face. Cut to Wayne who is holding a pie in his hand.}

WAYNE: What can I say, the set up was great. {Cut to Charlotte and Desmond}

CHARLOTTE: Wow, you were right, they don't age well. Do you want to finish off that drink?

DESMOND: Only if you promise you won't disappear on me again!

CHARLOTTE: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and never say that again.

DESMOND: Yes dear. {John A jumps on screen.}

JOHN A: Hey everybody! We're all gonna get plowed!

{End Credits}