Episode 4: Mr. Wissletteats goes to Gorffwysfa

Major Characters: Desmond Collins, John Diefenbaker, Pierre Trudeau, John A. MacDonald, Donald Flemming.
Minor Characters: Louis Riel, Don Neuman, Pierre Berton, Usher of the Black Rod, Batman, the Joker, Old Timey McJones.
{Opening Credits}
{Interior: Diefenbaker's. Bar is empty. Diefenbaker walks in and looks up at hammock. Pokes hammock with broom. Desmond falls out of hammock landing on bar.}

DESMOND: Why you make me fall on the cold cold ground?

DIEF: Ah there you are, Dimona. Thought you might like to get an early start on the day.

DESMOND: And why is that?

DIEF: Thanks to Byng there's a great battle of wills brewing.

DESMOND: Waiting until the pizza's not as hot so that you don't burn the roof of your mouth?

DIEF: No, a general election! The forward expression of Gorffwysfa!

DESMOND: There's a far worse place to get a burn from hot cheese.

DIEF: What?! 

DESMOND: Well, I can imagine that donors would be less forthcoming with skin grafts for that area. {Dief hits Desmond on head with broom} Oh, well why didn't you say so? To the hustings!

{Exterior: Public Park a large crowd is gathered with signs interspersed through the crowd some are Red on a rorsach background and say "Louis Riel: Begone! These shoes are not for your brains!" others say, "Desmond Collins: Not Insane." Desmond and Lois are both at podiums.}

DESMOND: I say that Gorffwysfa needs representatives who seek to maintain our independence through rational and reasoned realations with the governments of Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, Valhalla, and the Mall of America.

LOUIS: Vote for me or I'll destroy you all!

DESMOND: Uh... And ladies and gentlemen, that's just the kind of irresponsible policy that will endanger the community that we have built here. As Edmund Burke once said society is an obligation between the dead, the living, and those to be born.

LOUIS: I'll do it too, don't try to stop me! {Opens jacket to reveal that he has kittens strapped around his chest in the style a suicide bomb.}

DESMOND: Of course, in our case it would be the dead, the dead, and those who haven't yet died.

LOUIS: I said I'd shoot, but you didn't believe me! {Winds up a clockwork mouse. The kittens begin mewling in an agitated fashion. Places the clockwork mouse on the ground. Mouse skitters towards Desmond. Close up of one of the kittens, eyes moist as though about to burst into tears.

DESMOND: You're upsetting your, uh, kitten bomb. And ladies and gentlemen that's just like... You know I have no way to relate this to metaphor. Just ask yourself whether you're going to vote for a man with Kittens duct taped to his person. That detonator could singe some fur! Ladies and Gentlemen please vote for a representative with some modicum of insanity.

LOUIS: I love this guy! But I hate Miracle Whip!

DESMOND: I am fully confident in the verdict of the people.

{Interior: Diefenbaker's. Dief, John A, and Desmond are watching the bar's TV. Cut to TV, Don Neuman is announcing.}

DON: Good evening I'm Don Neuman, welcome to the broaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadcast. {this word should last for at least 10 seconds} In the riding of New Eglin-Zenith-Northeast-Take a left at the Gas Station- Upon Kingston- Townsville {Takes Deep Breath} South, we have an interesting race shaping up. Let's go to Pierre Berton for an indepth report.

P. BERTON: Don, this riding has a storied history, having been created initially due to an accident when the Right Honourable John A. Macdonald left a ring on the map by failing to place a coaster under his drink.

{Cut back to overhead view of the bar. Zoom in on John A. His drink is sitting on the Constitution. He lifts drink to reveal that the ink has run leaving a section of the document reading: "All your base are belong to us." Scene transition with caption: 2 hours later.}

DESMOND: Wow, that was interesting! Did everyone learn something?

JOHN A: I know I did. {Produces well rolled joint.}

P. BERTON: And now the results: Desmond Collins: Three.

DESMOND: Dammit!

P. BERTON: Louis Riel: Zero.

DESMOND: Huh?

DON: Let's show that riding map could we? {Cut to screen, the shot is the exterior of Diefenbaker's} Yes, this is the riding that will be represented by Desmond Collins in the 13th Gorffwysfa parliament. And that brings the seat total to: The Grey Party of Prime Minister Trudeau: 99 seats. The cagey old pol party led by John A. Macdonald: 13 seats. Black and White party led by John Diefenbaker: 86 seats. And Desmond Collins holds the extra seat. One can doubtless expect that there will be some comical jockeying to get Mr. Collins' support in forming a new government. Good night, and we hope to see you again to cover the opening of parliament in two weeks time. {Cut back to bar}

DESMOND: You know, my knowledge of domestic affairs is woefully lacking, which is not normally the case.

{Pierre walks in. He is wearing a suit of armour with a rose in the... lapel?}

PIERRE: Let the blatant currying of favour montage begin!

{Desmond is walking down the street. Diefenbaker hands him a pair of roller blades. Desmond skates off screen, screen shakes violently. Cut to interior: hospital. Desmond is bandaged up. Pierre enters in a candy striper outfit with a red rose, [you get the idea by now] in the lapel and hands Desmond a set of roller bladeing pads. Exterior: Hospital. Diefenbaker is wheeling Desmond outside in a wheel chair. Pierre rolls up with a rickshaw, plucks Desmond and begins running him in the rickshaw. Interior: Diefenbaker's. Diefenbaker presents Desmond with a giant beer. While attempting to drink it the giant beer falls over on Desmond. Exterior: Hospital. Pierre now wearing a tunic presents Desmond with a foam dome. Exterior: Hospital. Diefenbaker rolling out Desmond with a Rickshaw. Pierre now dressed in an old-time auto racer's outfit rolls up in a red Mercedes Convertible. Pierre steps out of car. John A T-Bones Pierre's car, while operating a locomotive for some odd reason. Cut to scene of John A being photographed for a mug shot. Desmond hobbles on screen from right and attempts to draw the audience's attention back that way. Interior: Hallway above Diefenbaker's. Diefenbaker opens door to fully furnished apartment to Desmond's surprise. Exterior: Gorffwysfa Mansion. Pierre, now dressed in plaid leisure suit and bunny slippers gestures to left wing of house. Interior: Main hallway. Pierre now wearing a Diving suit and holding the helmet under one arm, draws a chalk line across the hallway. Exterior: Sun sets cartoonishly. Interior: Main Hallway. Just feet past the chalk line is an open door with a toilet visible. Desmond is gritting his teeth in the typical 'I gotta go' pose while respecting the line. Interior: Hospital. Desmond sitting on examination table. Doctor walks in. Desmond looks up hopefully. Doctor shakes head. Desmond is crestfallen. Interior Desmond's apartment. Desmond is sitting and looking relieved. Cut to shot of the back of a toilet. Hand moves to flush toilet, but handle breaks. Cut back to Desmond on toilet. Look of panic flashes across his face. Notes frame word 'doorbell.' Desmond opens door to see John A holding a plunger. Door closes. Back to bathroom, Desmond is plunging toilet. Again doorbell rings. Desmond opens door to see Pierre wearing outfit akin to Edgar Montrose ala Red Green Show. Pierre walks over to bathroom and lights stick of dynamite, and drops into toilet. Pierre then claps dust from his hands. Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Section of wall on second floor explodes to reveal Desmond's bathroom, sans toilet. Exterior: Toilet repair shop. Interior: Waiting room Desmond sitting in waiting room. Plumber walks in. Desmond looks up hopefully. Plumber shakes head. Desmond is crestfallen. Interior: Desmond's apartment. Calendar on wall has 13 red X's on it. Day immediately following X's reads, "Opening of parliament," and is circled in red ink. Desmond is in bathroom looking at mirror}

DESMOND: Okay Desmond, time to make a decision here. If I support Trudeau he'll put me in cabinet. That's good. But he'll probably leave me hanging by a thread after the next election. That's bad. If I go with Diefenbaker, he won't hate me. That's good. But he wasn't willing to put me in cabinet. That's bad. If I support the current government on an issue by issue basis, I'll have flexibility. But Dief will never forgive me.

VOICE SHOUTING FROM OFF SCREEN: Also, you have to worry about wheter or not you'll get fired. {Desmond does a wild take. Cut to exterior: Diefenbaker's. There's still a hole in Desmond's bathroom. A crowd has gathered below watching Desmond talk to himself. Cut back to Desmond in bathroom.}

DESMOND: I really gotta get that wall fixed.

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile the joker was up to some nefarious scheme of his own. {Exterior: Cliff side. Batman is clinging to the edge of the cliff.}

JOKER: Ho ho ho! Batman soon your dreadfully lacking upper body strength will give out causing you to plummet to your doom!

BATMAN: You haven't won yet you diabolical fiend!

JOKER: No, caped crusader? Well If I hadn't already won would I leave assuming that you're going to plummet to your death without actually watching you die? {Joker runs off laughing. Cut back to direct view of Batman.}

ANNOUNCER: Will the Joker finally win this time? Will our hero finally fall flat? Can this show get any campier? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion next... {Batman falls off of cliff face.}

BATMAN: I regret nothing! {Dull thud.}

ANNOUNCER: Well, I guess we need to find a new lead actor. {Screen goes blank. Pull back to reveal Desmond sitting in armchair watching TV.}

DESMOND: That was a nice 30 minutes of escapism, but normally, watching TV tends to give people convenient answers to their pressing problems. {Exterior: Parliament buildings. Exterior: Prime Minister's Office. Pierre Trudeau is seated in blue Elizabethan garb.}

PIERRE: So, have you come to a decision?

DESMOND: Not really, so I'm going to listen to the speech from the throne, the opposition reply, your reply, and then hopefully make my decision then. Until that time I will sit on the opposition benches as an independent.

PIERRE: Pity, I was going to make you finance minister. {Desmond's hair springs straight up. Desmond begins smoothing hair back down.}

DESMOND: Yes, but nevertheless, I feel that I don't know enough about your government to make a decision without listening to all interested parties.

PIERRE: You know that you'd be finance minister. {Desmond's hair springs straight up.}

DESMOND: Stop doing that!{Smooths down hair.}

PIERRE: It was just nice to not be the sight gag for half a scene... finance minister. {Desmond's hair springs up.}

{Interior: Parliamentary foyer. Dief is talking with John A.}

DIEF: John! What's going on. Somebody just told me they saw Desmond going into the PMO and that Pierre walked out looking particularly satisfied.

JOHN A: I know Dief. We're going to have to do something. Lean in close so that I can tell you my plan and still surprise the audience. {inaudible whispering}

DIEF: Oh, that is good. {Interior House of Commons. benches on both sides are packed. There are three loud raps on the doors. The doors open}

USHER: Um, hey guys. The Governor General wants you to elect a speaker and then like, come see him in the Senate chambers. {Flash forward, tight on Pierre, wearing a black three piece suit, sitting beside him are MacKenzie King and CD Howe at left and right respectively.}

PIERRE: And having counted the ballots, this house elects as its speaker... Desmond Collins.

DESMOND: Oh, shit! {Cut to Desmond's desk, Dief and Pierre loom ominously over him.} Guys, surely we can have a recount! {Pierre and Dief grab him by his arms and begin to drag him to the speaker's chair} Guys, really, black is not my colour, also That hat, what are the ladies gonna think? I'll tell you what they'll think. Old-timey McJones that's what they'll think. {Cut to back bencher.}

OLD TIMEY: That's right I should be speaker, con sarn it! Oh, well I guess I'll just mine for gold! Gold! Nuggets as big as your head. {Grabs pick axe and splits his desk in half. Desk reveals green glowing rock.} Ah, it's just uranium. {Cut to speaker's chair, Pierre hands Desmond the tri-cornered speaker's hat. Desmond angrily snatches hat}

DESMOND: Alright let's get this over with.

FLEMMING: Point of order Mr. Speaker! {Cut to Donald Flemming's desk. His head barely shows over the desk.}

DESMOND: Continue 

FLEMMING: Pursuant to standing order seventy four I would now like to delay the advancement of the plot for one week with a lengthy and annoying attack on the government's record to date. {Cut to Desmond, rapidly thumbing through rule book.}

DESMOND: Fine! But it specifically says here that a dog can't play left field! {Pan sideways to reveal a dog in baseball uniform. The dog whines and runs off screen Cuts to Flemming}

FLEMMING: {voice gradually getting quieter and quieter}Now my complaint begins, initially, with the total lack of respect that this prime minister shows for this house by ordering a pizza while we were in comittee of the whole and not offering anybody a slice. As my grade school teacher used to say when someone would bring food items to a gathering such as this, well I hoe you brought enough for everyone. But our prime minister, son of a wealthy gas barron obvously didn't go to public school...

ANNOUNCER: Not going anywhere for a while? Grab a Snackers!

DESMOND: Sargent at arms! Get that announcer out of here! {Cuts to Announcer at podium with boom mike.}

ANNOUNCER: {Sargent at arms walks up to announcer and studies him for a monent} For the very best in security services you need... {Sargent tasers announcer. Announcer collapses}

DESMOND: I've heard enough. All in favour of rolling the credits?

ALL: Aye!

DESMOND: All opposed?

FLEMMING: Nay.

DESMOND: The ayes have it!

{End Credits}