Episode 3: The Wreck of the Neighbourhood Bar

Major Characters: Desmond Collins, John A MacDonald, John Diefenbaker

Minor Characters: Johnny Wayne, Norm Peterson, Gordon Lightfoot, Louis Riel.
{Exterior: Gorffwysfa Mansion}

DESMOND: You know all this is really great but there's something missing here.

JOHN A: Yes?

DESMOND: A fucking plot!

JOHN A: Enough self referential humor, let's go to the bar!

{Exterior Diefenbaker's. Sign reads: Diefenbaker's: Now with 63% more alcohol. Interior Diefenbaker's basic bar, with caracatures of politicians on walls. John A enters bar.}

CROWD IN BAR: John! {Desmond enters bar}

CROWD IN BAR: Huh?!

JOHN A: This is Desmond Collins. Desmond , this crowd is so drunk that they can only say one syllable in unison.

DESMOND: Okay, call me Des.

JOHN A: Now walk out and walk back in again. {Desmond walks out. Norm Peterson enters bar}

CROWD IN BAR: Norm! {Cut to Dief, tending bar. Dief picks up shotgun.}

DIEF: I warned you Peterson! {Norm backs out of bar.} Now what can I get you gentlemen? {Desmond walks in}

CROWD: Des!

DESMOND: Pint of ale and a handshake. Mr. Diefenbaker you're my political idol! {Offers hand. Dief takes hand.}

DIEF: Wow, it's been years since someone sycophantically shook my hand like that. Look, I don't know if John's told you that you'll need some sort of job here, out of Eden and all that stuff. By any contrivance do you know double entry accounting?

DESMOND: Do I?! {Dief looks uneasily at Desmond. Pregnant pause} Yes. Yes I do.

DIEF: Well good, because I never could get these damned books to balance. Now we provide our employees free meals allowing me more camera time. Can you start later in the episode? {John A glares at Dief} Sigh, can you start tomorrow?

DESMOND: I certainly can.

DIEF: Well Derrick, it will certainly be a pleasure to have you aboard.

DESMOND: That's Desmond.

CROWD: Des!

DIEF: Oh, well I'm sure I won't make that mistake again. {Ominous background music.} Duffel bag, the first thing you can do tomorrow is see if you can get better music for the bar.

DESMOND: Well you could just check the internet.

DIEF: The what now?

DESMOND: *deep breath* F... {Cut to shot of  bottle breaking. Cut back.}

JOHN A: Oh, Dief I'll have a bloody marvelous.

DIEF: What's that?

JOHN A: Well what's in a bloody caesar?

DIEF: Vodka, and Clamato.

JOHN A: So vodka and vodka would be {Johnny Wayne pops on stage right.}

WAYNE: Bloody marvelous! {Dief pulls out shotgun and shoots Johnny Wayne}

DIEF: There's not a jury that would convict me.

DESMOND: And if there were? {Cut to John A at gallows. Louis Riel is standing at the trap door lever}

JOHN A: Don't I get a last request?

LOUIS: Let's ask our audience! Batoche! Lock in your votes! {Cut to crowd and see nothing but baying dogs}

JOHN A: Laying it on a little bit thick aren't we?

LOUIS: Mayonnaise! {Louis pulls lever and falls through the gallows himself. Responding weakly} Best two out of three?

JOHN A: Yeah, I haven't got anything better to do. {Cut back to Diefenbaker's} And that's the last time I plead insanity.

DIEF: It would have worked if you'd let me tie dye the neck brace. Besides those blintze were terrible.

JOHN A: Well at any rate, it's time for a drink.

DIEF: The bar's closed.

JOHN A: But my watch says it's last call. {Cut to shot of John A's wrist. Watch has nail in it preventing hands from moving past ten minutes to 2.

DIEF: Oh. The usual then?

JOHN A: Aye, Bottle of rye and a coke.

DIEF: It's a lucky thing for you that you live right above this bar. {Dief points up. There's a hammock suspended from the ceiling}

JOHN A: Yes. I've always found it oddly fitting that the front door to my second floor apartment is directly above that hammock. {Interior: Hallway. John is stumbling towards door marked 1.} Well, what an enjoyable evening. I certainly can't think of any loose ends that have gone untied.

{Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Dief is locking door, softly singing to self.}

DIEF: And the white house burned, burned, burned, and we're the ones that did it.

{Interior: Diefenbaker's. Lights are off. Desmond walks out of bathroom}

DESMOND: Guys? Guys? Well, I guess it's technically tomorrow, I'll just sweep up. {Starts singing softly to self.} And the 'mericans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies wah, wah, wah, in the war of 1812. {Exterior: Diefenbaker's. Cartoonish quick sunrise. Interior: Diefenbaker's: Desmond is singing loudly} 'Cause Canada is reallllllllly biiiiiiiiiiiiig! {Door opens}

DIEF: Studebaker! Did you get locked in?

DESMOND: That doesn't even make sense.

DIEF: That's what I thought at the time too. Well at any rate get down to the music store and find something better than this. {Grabs remote. My heart will go on starts playing.}

DESMOND: Augh! {Runs outside. Exterior pans on running Desmond from Diefenbaker's, down block to "Light-Hearted records: Yes, we get the irony too." Desmond bursts inside, Breathing heavily.} Quick! What kills Celine Dion? {Cut to clerk behind counter, it's Gordon Lightfoot, who communicates only in song.}

GORDON: Here is a tape that contains BTO/ and all of their classic hit singles./ And here is a remake of my greatest songs/ this time rendered in country-techno.

DESMOND: {Grabs tape} Thanks! Wait, aren't you still alive?

GORDON:  No one notices that I am not there/ because my agent is incompetent!

DESMOND: Good for you. Anyway, put these on my boss' account. {Runs out}

GORDON: If I could turn back time/ I would have got his name.

{Interior: Diefenbaker's. Desmond walks in}

CROWD: Des!

DESMOND: Let's not do this anymore.

CROWD: Okay!

DESMOND: Hands Dief the tape. Here you go, now end that horrible music. {Cut to Diefenbaker walking up to raised stage, Brian Adams taps microphone.}

DIEF: Your services are no longer needed. {Cut to Desmond, breathing a big sigh of relief}

DESMOND: Well, Chief I'm awfully tired so I better go and get some sleep. {Cut to Desmond in bar hammock,  bar is still open} I really need to get an apartment. Hey, boss; can I have an advance?

DIEF: No.

{End Credits}