Episode 2: A Hit! A Palpable Hit!

Major Characters: DESMOND Collins, Sir JOHN A Macdonald.

Minor Characters: Johnny WAYNE, Frank SHUSTER

{Opening Credits.}
{Interior: Gorffwysfa Study. Desmond is sitting on the couch reading 'Hansard for Dummies' John A is still on the floor passed out.}

DESMOND: John? {John A stirs a little, and goes back to sleep} John. Get up. {John A begins talking in his sleep}

JOHN A: Come on Crystal, I'll still respect you. I'll still respect you. Just use more whipped cream. On second thought use Bailey's.

DESMOND: John! {John A rolls onto his back.} How you didn't go out like Hendrix is beyond me. {Kicks John A in side}

JOHN A: Ugh! You know I like it... Oh! Why'd you wake me? I had the most wonderful dream and you weren't there. {Looks towards feet} But you were! {Brandishes whiskey bottle}

DESMOND: Look I know I probably have a lot of time being dead and all, but where's the exposition you promised me. I have so many questions. Like if I'm dead, where's the angels, the women, or at least that earth mother lookin' chick from those cream cheese commercials? {Cut to typical heaven shot, grossly overweight female angel in light brown mid neck length tresses}

ANGEL: Pittsburgh cream cheese is really great!

BOOMING VOICE OF GOD: But now the clouds won't hold your weight. {Angel plummets to ground}

ANGEL: I regret nothing!

{Cut back to study}

JOHN A: Well because you're not in heaven.

DESMOND: That would explain the TV selection {Grabs remote. TV is off screen}

TV: You're watching the 26 hour Me and Max Marathon! {Desmond turns off TV}

DESMOND: (Shudder) Well at least it's not Who's the Boss.

JOHN A: Yes, yes, you're very 80's you'll get along great with the PM.

DESMOND: Oh, no. {Pierre walks into room. He is resplendent in a Blue Zoot Suit and wearing a red rose in his lapel}

PIERRE: Well, mister Collins it's a pleasure to meet you. {Pierre extends hand}

DESMOND: I never refuse someone's hand. {Shakes Pierre's hand grimly.} Though I should love to know what you're doing as PM. I thought you were done with the life.

PIERRE: {Now wearing a Lime Green Tuxedo with Rose in the lapel} Well, I thought I was too, but then I realized all those wonderful vibrant minds of my genration, well the ones who were in their 20's when I turned 50, and all the great debates and discussions that we left unfinished. I hadn't even admitted it to myself, but I find the search for truth to be much more compelling than its discovery.

DESMOND: Huh?

JOHN A: He wanted to nail Margaret Atwood.

PIERRE: And how!

DESMOND: Oh. So we're in Canada, but dead?

PIERRE: {Head Shot only} If Will Ferguson were here he might say that you were being redundant. Besides I'm sure that the Right Honourable Mister Macdonald will handle all of that exposition for you shortly. It is, after all, his turn. {Cut back to reveal full stage again. Pierre is wearing a burlap poncho with a rose in the lapel. Or where the lapel would be} Good day gentlemen. { Pierre walks off}

DESMOND: That idiot! The whole country sat around 16 years waiting for him to come back. They still do. Though I suppose we are in Canada in a way.

JOHN A: The name is of the place is Gorffwysfa. It's Welsh for place of peace.

DESMOND: And we're using random Welsh names for a land reveling in endless conflict? Is Robertson Davies running the National Capital Commission?

JOHN A: No he's running the library of parliament and stop putting fruit out of reach of the children.

DESMOND: {Placing banana on chandelier} Oh, right.

JOHN A: Well it's time I show you where you'll be staying.

DESMOND: Damn, I always wanted a 19th century gothic mansion.

JOHN A: Yes, well this is just the drop point for most new visitors. Helps people get acclimated and makes them feel a little stuffier.

{Exterior: Gorffwysfa mansion}

JOHN A: Okay first thing you need to know: Nothing can kill you. Well you can die Highlander style.

DESMOND: Highlander the movies or Highlander the TV series where 500 year old immortals die on a weekly basis?

JOHN A: Movies. Here's the reason. The whole head chopping thing is passe. There's only one thing that can kill you.

DESMOND: What's that.

JOHN A: Cyanide. But not just any Cyanide, It has to come from apple seeds. This is such a labourious practice that the whole murder in the heat of passion thing doesn't happen.

DESMOND: So does there tend to be a whole lot of just random and senseless violence.

JOHN A: No, two reasons: One, because anyone who assaults another resident of Gorffwysfa gets ten years, unless the victim has capacity to waive the sentence.

DESMOND: Sounds harsh.

JOHN A: Well when you've got neigh eternity, that seems like a decent time out to me. Of course when the victim comes back they can commute the sentence to death.

DESMOND: And what was reason 2?

JOHN A: Oh, right. While Gorffwysfa hits the reset button, you have to wait in one of the most horrific places imaginable.

DESMOND: What is it?

JOHN A: It's a place of indescribable melancholy and ennui.

DESMOND: Well, now I'm curious. Is it a Nickelback concert?

JOHN A: A Joke that easy deserves an appropriate response {Pulls cavalry sword from hammerspace and runs Desmond through.} Fortunately as your guide I get to do this once for demonstration purposes. {Desmond collapses to ground. Doves walk up to John A. One dove looks up pensively at JOHN A.} Get out of here you! {Doves trudge off stage} And as for you... {Pan right to reveal sheep with numbers painted on side.}

{Interior, Television studio audience. Desmond awakes with a start}

DESMOND: Wow, what an odd dream.

ANNOUNCER: And now it's time for everybody's favorite comedy duo...

DESMOND: And it's about to get worse...

ANNOUNCER: Wayne and Shuster!

DESMOND: {Gets up} That's it I'm out of here.

WAYNE: {From offstage} Julie, don't go! {Desmond is hit by pie. Flash forward Desmond is tied to scaffolding crucifixion style with eyes taped open. Cut to Frank Shuster standing alone.}

SHUSTER: Look, I'm sorry, my contract clearly specifies I'm not allowed to tell any jokes. {Brightens} But, I can do a rough approximation of a Texan accent. {Opens mouth}

ANNOUNCER: And now we bring you, the wonderful world of... Laundry!

{Interior, Gorffwysfa Mansion Study. John A is checking his watch.}

JOHN A: Should be any second now... {Looks over shoulder, pan left to reveal Desmond on Couch, head in hands}

DESMOND: {Half crying, half singing} We can see by the clock on the wall that it's time to wish you one and all, Goodbye.

JOHN A {Deadpan}: Goodbye.

DESMOND: So Long.

JOHN A: So Long.

DESMOND: Farewell.

JOHN A: Farewell.

DESMOND: Adieu.

JOHN A: Adieu.

DESMOND: Be Good.

JOHN A: Stay well.

DESMOND: Bye Bye.

JOHN A: Keep Warm.

DESMOND: Relax.

JOHN A: And Eat.

DESMOND: Take Care.

JOHN A: Stay Loose.

BOTH: Adieu mon vieux. A la prochaine. Goodbye 'till we meet again!

{End Credits}