Episode 1: Mr. Spilly Talker

Main Characters: DESMOND Collins. JOHN A Macdonald.

Minor Characters: Ben Silverstein, Samuel Eastindies Bartender, Little Boy, Cloak, Anchorman.

{Opening Credits}

{Exterior: Bar. Sign saying, "That disgraced beer guy's pub. Please stop burning our signs" Interior: Bar. with a TV in corner A curly haired burly Scot is tending bar. Desmond and Ben both drinking beer. Ben puts lemon wedge in his beer}

BARTENDER (aside): Easy man, those days are behind you now. {Face reddens. Walks off stage} {speaking rises from muttering to shouting} Samuel Eastindies poured his blood and sweat into that beer and after changing the recipie to use water instead improved the quality of the beer immensely! But do you care? Nooooooo. You just sit there downing any overpriced barleyed plonk I drop in front of you. That's the Pride of New Hampshire you're defiling there! YOU {looks around self conciously}I'll be quiet. It's just that I care so much about my precious beerdily fluids. {Pours off a pint} Now there's a thing of beauty. {Takes a sip} I just want to dance for joy! {Dances off screen. Cut to exterior, Bartender dances up to little boy in sailor's suit} Why hello ther- {Little boy pulls out can of mace and sprays Bartender} AUUUUUUUGH! The pain! Why won't somebody stop the pain. {Cloaked figure appears on screen}

CLOAK: What? Oh right. Time to do what I do best! {Stabs bartender. Bartender falls to ground. Cloaked figure throws knife into bartender. Cut to interior}

DESMOND: Well that was convenient.

BEN: And yet unlawful.

DESMOND: Yeah, but... Free Beer!

{Scene transition: Black Screen "Five Minutes Later." Bar is now covered in beer. Three empty jugs, one upside down sit beside a half empty one. Cut to TV with Desmond and Ben siloutetted MST3K style}

DESMOND: Shh! Everybody! The newscaster guy's gonna run the results now!

NEWS CASTER: And now turning our attention to the riding of Cumberland-Colchester-Strongbadia-East: We see quite the upset with young Desmond Collins the scruffy underdog idealist with a heart of gold and a complete unwillingness to get into gutter politics... {Cut to Des, looking excited} Has lost by an even bigger margin than expected. The margin of victory was, Howie Mandel: 50% Uncle Ted: 49% Desmond Collins: 2% and we remind you these results have a 3% margin of error.

DESMOND: Dammit! That's it Ben!

BEN: Easy Des, you wouldn't want to be elected anyway. With great power comes... {Desmond grabs bottle breaking it on bar}

DESMOND: Don't even try it!

BEN {Wide eyed}: Okay Des. Okay. Now put the bottle down, nobody wants to be a hero today.
DESMOND: You know Ben the people have spoken. And I'm pretty sure the phrase duh was used a lot. What is it going to take, huh? What is it going to take for these people to see that I have some degree of integrity? That I have something to offer? That we can make our lowest profession a search for nobler truths? {Runs to exterior, into street shouting} What is it going to take for me to make an impact?!

BEN {In Doorway}: Des! Get out of the road!

DESMOND {looks around}: Right. I guess it would be kind of silly if when I - {Hit by truck}

{Cut to interior of leather and hardwood style study Desmond is lying on couch, John A is standing over him.}

JOHN A: Good he's coming to, I don't need to use my whiskey to bring him to.

DESMOND: Ooh, I feel as though I were run over by a mack truck.

JOHN A: GMC actually. You're dead, and that's all the exposition you get for today.

DESMOND: Come on! I need to know more.

JOHN A {Completely deadpan}: No, I'm far too drunk.

DESMOND: No you're not.

{Lawyer strides on to set hands paper to Desmond}

DESMOND {mumbling}: Heretofore... intent to distribute... tort both legal and chocolate... cease and desist... play the Raffy tape backwards and become dysfunctional... copyright infringement... Definitely not in public domain... definitely not the opera... this gag is getting exceedingly lame... Bar exam does not involve drinking... what's next reading the headline on the opposite side of the paper... sue you for everything your worth... not even Perry Mason will get you off... dear god no... eww...  yes we know that's three-seventy-eight in empties and a jar of mustard...  John Belushi was a genius in '78... Matt Wilson was a genius for 78 episodes... Matt Foley was a motivational speaker wearing size 78 pants... Matt is not a name that whistles on the wind... lather rinse... repeating is for suckers or people who huff Pam... These legal papers contain 50 grams of trans fats per serving... author is not held liable for running gags... no not even the self referential ones... warning, uproarious laughter may cause anal leakage... cadavers are not to be used as puppets... seriously, just stop this joke... Sincerely, some stupid jerk{Hands back paper to lawyer} Well, everything seems to be in order. Back to the exposition Sir John... {Looks over at John A who is standing statuesquely. Sir John falls over sending bottle flying in air until landing on John A's head with a thwack.} Dammit.

{End Credits}