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Condom Sizing
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
The clerk says, "What size?
The guy says, "Gee, I don't know."
The clerk says, "Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him by the
crotch and yells, "MEDIUM!"
The guy is mortified. He hurries over to pay
and gets out of the store.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms.
The clerk asks the size and again sends him
over to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "LARGE!
The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
The clerk says, "What size?"
The young man embarrassedly says, "I've never
done this before. I don't know what size."
The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4, who
grabs him and yells,
"CLEANUP ON AISLE 4"
Signs that tell the story
On a Plumbers truck:
We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Another Pizza shop slogan:
Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout."
Sign over a gynecologist's office
Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a military hospital-door to endoscopy:
To expedite your visit, please back in."
At a dry cleaners:
How about we refund your money, send you a new
one at no charge, close the store and have the manager
shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come
to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff."
On a fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
We would be delighted if you pay your bill. However,
if you don't, you will be."
At a propane filling station,
Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
Best place in town to take a leak."
You have gone too far, scrool up now or you will be added to this list.
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from England, but
you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbour yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn
so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom
of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 30 or more years of your life, is cause for panic and turning
around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom, and check your
E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )
24. You're reading this, And now are at the end.
Condom Sizing A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size? The guy says, "Gee, I don't know." The clerk says, "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him by the crotch and yells, "MEDIUM!" The guy is mortified. He hurries over to pay and gets out of the store. Another guy comes in to buy condoms. The clerk asks the size and again sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "LARGE! The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?" The young man embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4, who grabs him and yells, "CLEANUP ON AISLE 4"
Signs that tell the story
On a Plumbers truck:
We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Another Pizza shop slogan:
Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout."
Sign over a gynecologist's office
Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a military hospital-door to endoscopy:
To expedite your visit, please back in."
At a dry cleaners:
How about we refund your money, send you a new
one at no charge, close the store and have the manager
shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come
to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff."
On a fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
We would be delighted if you pay your bill. However,
if you don't, you will be."
At a propane filling station,
Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
Best place in town to take a leak."
You have gone too far, scrool up now or you will be added to this list.
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from England, but
you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbour yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn
so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom
of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 30 or more years of your life, is cause for panic and turning
around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom, and check your
E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )
24. You're reading this, And now are at the end.
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from England, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbour yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 30 or more years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom, and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )
24. You're reading this, And now are at the end.