Hmmm... Able to read in the dark are you? Welcome to the shadow chapters. What you will find here is once again my voice put within words.... but it is possible that I may be a little more intimate and personal If this is no interest of yours then I suggest you leave. Otherwise, please, be my guest and sit back, and read as I attempt to let my mind unleash it's thoughts and maybe... just maybe I will be able to express myself through the words of these chapters. The chapters of a shadow mind. We all have shadow minds. It's the darkness that we hide, the mask that we wear. The things we dare not say. We as humans are the great deceivers. Also known as... actors. So, for all the shadow minds out there... Enjoy.
Strange days of yesterdays. I awoke from my slumber, pondering on what I would do on such a day. As I was taking a shower I realized that maybe I should get my ass up to working on this script that I'm calling "Shadow Minds," which also happens to be the name of this page. Heh. Anyway, so I went to my lonely isolated basement where I sat and began rewriting this blasted script that I had started in late august. As I was writing my script I went online also. My parents were nice enough to get me some soup as they were journing off to wherever. I hadn't eaten before they brought me food, I was just glued to my computer screen. I looked at the time: 4:00. Fuck. What was I doing? It was a fucking saturday and here I am sitting on my ass. Then my wonderful friend Kristen came online. She spoke about how she was suppose to be hanging out with Nic later and go to the lighthouse and whatnot. I indirectly told her that I would give her a ride there. She accepted. I went upstairs and looked outside. It was shitty out. The clouds all dark and gray... rainy out too. I grabbed my cds, leaped into my sleek black car and picked up Kristen. We listened to the band coldplay as we drove off to this playground area down by lakefront of my lovely city. As I drove to the lakefront, I saw Nic, seated under a little roofed area, waiting for us to arrive. After we met up with Nic, we began walking down the pier to the lighthouse. The lake was still beautiful even with the weather being cold and wet. Kristen had the music of System of a Down stuck in her head. She began singing the lyrics to the song Science. As we came closer to the lighthouse... Kristen and Nic's intent was to begin smoking a little wacky weed. But something strange occurred. As we looked out at the waters, there happened to be three rows of ducks in perfect line formation that caught our attention. Now, I don't know how much you know about ducks... but it isn't normal for them to be all lined up for no apparent reason... well not as far as I know. Kristen became curious and she began edging herself closer along the side of the pier and soon realized that there was a boat at the bottom of the pier, with four guys in camouflage suits in it. They had shotguns. We then came to the conclusion that these ducks were not real. They were made to look real so that real ducks would come down and chill with them and then get a cap in their ass. So... as we walked past the hunters, I said, "Wow, wouldn't it be crazy if all of sudden they started firing?" and just a few seconds later, they did. A few ducks had been flying in the air and now the hunters were shooting at them. They missed though. Seeing the hunters shoot intrigued us though. So instead of going to the lighthouse, we turned around and walked off the pier and on to some rocks, watching the hunters. Meanwhile, Nic and Kristen began to smoke up. We sat there for a while, waiting for more ducks to come, but they never did. So we began to leave. I was hopping around like an idiot and Nic asked me if I was sure I wasn't high. Then he went on to say that I'm probably a huge drug addict, I just don't smoke up with people because I'm a cheap bastard and don't want to share my shit. Meanwhile, as he's talking about me being a heroin addict, two cops happened to be standing nearby. As we looked up at them, they confronted us and said "You kids see any duck hunters?" Kristen and I were silent, unaware of what to say. After a moment, Nic speaks up and says, "Yeah!" and points down the pier. The cops asked what kind of guns they had and Nic went on to tell them and whatnot. Suddenly one of the cops asked, "Were you guys smoking?" so I answered, "No." which is the truth, because I didn't! So the cop replies, "Alright. Well get out of here." So we left. As we began walking to back to my car, we laughed. If it weren't for narking out on the duck hunters... we could've been in deep shit. I may not have done anything, but I still would've been considered an accomplice or whatever. Whew. So we were thankful. We drove to Kristen's house and chilled there for a while. Our friend Joe called and talked to Kristen. Meanwhile, Nic and I sat on the sofa staring through the window, watching some neighbors inside their house. They looked as if they were putting on halloween costumes. Ah, I love october. Anyway... Kristen had her computer on so I talked to Joe and Andy F. online. Andy is making a remix of a song I made called, 'Impulse' so I told him to send it to me so I could hear some of it. He did. Meanwhile Kristen was setting up plans for us to join Joe and hang out with him and Andy W. and Andy F. We were all down with that. Andy F. was still at his home so I said we'd come to pick him up. Kristen wanted some tampons first... and Nic and I wanted food, so we decided to do that stuff before picking up Andy. We drove to K-mart and picked up Kristen's tampon stuff. Then we went to quick trip... they wanted their cappocinos and I was going to possibly get some hot dogs. Unfortunately, there were only two hot dogs left when we got there... Now that sucks because you can get three hot dogs for a good deal. I was pissed. So I told them that we must venture off to a different place to get food. Burger King was the chosen destination. We walked in and went up to the counter. As we did this, a girl stood there, waiting to order. Her hair was cut short, a light brown color. She had light brown pants and a dark gray (maybea little bit more whitish) shirt on, with a light colored T-shirt over it. She had a dark green backpack with her, with buttons strung all around it. For a moment, I glanced at her, pondering if I knew this girl. I wasn't sure though, so I said nothing. Nic made his order and then I went up and ordered. Nic stood there and waited for his order, while I decided to go over by Kristen, who didn't order anything, so she was sitting down. I sat down and then looked over at the girl who had now made her order and was getting something to drink. Nic's order came and then he sat down with us. Now I was waiting for my order while still pondering about the girl. I decided to speak to Nic and Kristen about the girl. Nic then mentioned that she did go to South, but she was quiet and never really talked to anyone. That intrigued us. Then my order came. I went the counter and picked it up. Kristen decided that we should move to a different spot so we did. We sat and ate our food, and had our strange conversations as we normally do. And then we finished eating. As we got up and walked out of burger king, I noticed the girl that had intrigued us. She was sitting by herself within burger king. I wanted to go back, but why? It just would seem to weird. We got into my car and paused for a moment. We were dissappointed in ourselves. We all wanted to talk to her. But we couldn't. I started up the car and drove out of the burger king parking lot. There was no turning back now. We had lost our chance at meeting this girl. As we were driving down a road, nic spoke up. "Fuck. We should've talked to her." I agreed with him completely. We thought about it for a moment. We would now be forced to think about all the things that could've happened, but didn't, because we weren't brave enough to say anything to this girl. We were ashamed for not making an attempt at it. Finally, Kristen said, "Lets go back." As I was driving, I wanted to. But if felt awkward. What if she thought we were freaky for suddenly asking her to hang out with us? What if she was afraid of us pulling a trick on her? After a moment of talking, we actually did go back. I didn't want to go talk to her alone so Nic said he would. We drove back into the parking lot of Burger King and Nic got out of my car and walked into the restuarant. Kristen and I waited patiently, wondering just what would happen. After a moment, he walked out of Burger King. I strained my eyes to see if she was with him. A car was blocking my view. Suddenly, Kristen said, "Hey! She's walking out!" Nic approached the car, along with the girl. Nic got into my car, the girl following. As she stepped in we asked her who she was. Her name was Megan. We all introduced ourselves and then she asked, "Hey... you aren't going to mug me are you?" We laughed and told her that was not our intentions. We were now on our way to pick up Andy, who had probably been waiting for a long fucking time for us. A new feeling had entered me. We were in the presence of a person who was practically a stranger. And she was in a car filled with three people that she hardly knew. It did turn out though that I had a class with her back in highschool. She was in a history class with me. We never really spoke to eachother though. She never really spoke to many people. Her hair was longer back when I remembered her. She told us a little about herself. She lost (or quit) her job and she was living at a friends house. As she spoke, I desperately searched for Andy's house. I'm terrible with directions. Eventually, we found it and Andy entered into the scene. He asked who Megan was, we told him we didn't know and that we just decided to pick her up from Burger King. I don't think he believed us... We arrived at Joe's house and whatnot. We stood on the porch and just talked. Megan took out a cigarette and began smoking. We learned later that she's a chain smoker. Heh. Joe then told me that I would have to move my car from the parking spot I had chosen. So I moved it. As I came back, Kristen and Nic were standing next to Megan. I walked up to them, Megan looked at me and said, "Do you like butterflies?" I thought about it for a moment. Butterflies had a metaphorical value to me, so it felt strange that she had just asked me this question. I wasn't sure how to respond. I pondered if butterflies had value to her, moreso than just asking me random question for no apparent reason.... so I said, "Butterflies have a certain meaning to me. So yes, I do like butterflies." She went on to explain something to us. She had tried commiting suicide a while ago. She cut her arms and walked down to the lake and put herself into the water. As she tried to drown herself she looked up at the sky through the waters, she said she could see what looked like a butterfly. She stopped and looked at us, "Great, now you think I'm crazy...." She said. I didn't care, even if she thought she was, I was still intrigued. She looked at me and said, "You're a butterfly." I tried pondering what she meant by that. She said that I had my wings already and that I have always had them. I asked her if she was a butterfly and she said yes. We all ended up going into a little shack type area so that my friends could smoke up some more. I sat next to Megan and we spoke more about the metaphors behind the butterflies. I told her about how I was making a vampire movie also. She told me she knew someone that was going to be in a vampire movie. I asked who and she said Mikal. I then proceeded to say that Mikal is going to be in my vampire movie. I then wondered how Megan would know Mikal.... and it turned out that Megan is Taryn's older sister. Taryn is good friends with Mikal. So that's how it all worked out. After a while, we (the 'we' being Kristen, Nic, Megan and I) decided to leave. We headed out back to Kristen's house. This was all new territory for Megan. We stayed there but not for too long. Megan suggested that we get some coffee and Alpha's. So we did. I ordered Mozzerella sticks there. Megan started up another cigarette, which was probably around her 9th cigarette since we had been hanging out with her. She took the ashes from the ash tray and created a little picture of a butterfly on a piece of paper. I took out a pen and began drawing a picture of a small stick figure with a third eye open, his two regular eyes closed, and a line drawn down the center of his face. I held it up to Megan and said, "This is my butterfly." She asked if she could keep it and I was glad to give it to her. I added my phone number to it, along with Nic's and Kristen's, in case she ever wanted to hang out with us again. After we were done eating we went to Nic's house. We listened to Nine Inch Nails and I asked Megan personal questions about her suicide attempt. She spoke about her experience. And she asked me how I viewed pain. She felt that pain = grace. I didn't know how to view it other than pain is kind of like a warning mechanism for our bodies. It began to get late. Nic kicked us out of his house because he had work early in the morning. I had to take Megan and Kristen to their homes and whatnot. Megan showed me were to drop her off and I told her to give one of us a call sometime and then I took Kristen home. A good time was had by all I think. But alas, I am finished with this story for now... more shall come to pass.