music: red messiah - delete u (unfinished track)
mood: waiting for nothing and expecting something
Music surrounds the room, healing the wounds, breathing life into numb flesh, making me feel like apart of it. So alive and yet so mechanical, the continuation of sound through structured beat and soft melodies... thoughts flow. Today I returned back to college for new and exciting adventures, which really wasn't that exciting. I went to my classes, wanting to fall asleep or zone out through most of them... My mind wandered through out every class... even towards the end of the day, which is usually when I'm most focused. Oh well. Do I have anything interesting to say? Hmmm... nothing that you'd probably care to hear. Well, fuck you then. I went to the Masonic Temple today for a TYA meeting. That place is so creepy, it's fun. I love it. After that I called Brandi's house... she wasn't home... she was at the library and since I wasn't that far off, I decided to go visit her there. I tried sneaking up on her, but it didn't work. She saw me. We talked a bit and made plans to hang out... so we did. Hopefully we get to hang out tomorrow as well. That'd be really cool. Damn... I hope I'm not taking up too much of her time... what a bastard I am. Anyways, on a completely different note, the headaches & nitemares sessions are going extremely well. I'm hoping to release an album soon... but who knows. I want to be extremely meticulous about my creations, so... releasing this material will be kind of difficult for me... I just want people to understand it and appreciate it but with most of the music being instrumentals, it might not keep the attention span of the person listening to it. Damn. Well, I'm trying my best. Ok, I am done here. Stay cool, peace out. Seeyabye!
music: red messiah - wasted on hate (unfinished track)
mood: cheap whore
Hmmm... Yeah. How interesting to be at a loss of words when I haven't even really started writing. I wish memories would be as easy to delete as ripping pages out of a book... but then again without those memories I'd probably just go back and repeat everything over... and over. Each time I wouldn't be aware of the last though... but that would still suck. Today was Josh's birthday. I hung out with him. A good time was had by all. I have a lot of different things on my mind, but only certain things I want to discuss... so, I will discuss the positives of memory by making a list of people that I want to thank because they were there for me when I needed them over the years.... in no particular order they are:
Richard Saxon - Richie has been my friend since 7th grade. He's been there for me through the toughes times in life and basically helps me out by just being there when I need to talk about something. He's also good with advice. We carry similar views on things and we just have a good connection all around. It's just cool how he will call up sporadically to see if I want to see a movie or make plans up on the spot. I treasure his friendship immensely.
Kristen Driefuerst - Kristen helps me feel stronger as a person. She gives out confidence and is just someone I respect and admire for the way she is. Kristen has the power to make a person see things that they might not have realized were there before. When I talk to her I can get ideas and see things through a different perspective. She's a great conversationalist while at the same time she's great to just lounge with. In other words, Kristen is just "fucking cool."
Brandi "Junet" Violetta - Brandi may not realize this, but she's been there for me quite a few times when I needed somone there. During homecoming, I was feeling uncomfortable until she arrived. We kept eachother company through most of the night and just had an all around great time even though we were both depressed under certain circumstances. When I first met her I wasn't sure if we'd be able to carry on long conversations, but she's proved me wrong. I love listening to what she has to say as much as I love for her to hear what I have to say... and she is a good listener. I give out a special *wink* to junet.
Rachel Thurman - Rach happens to be my soul twin, which is different from soul mate. We can dive from very depressing subjects to happy ones in a matter of seconds. Call us bi-polar if you will. She rawks. Her love for the smashing pumpkins and zwan and nirvana, impress me highly. Rachel is very good at keeping me out of boredom and making me feel all happy and giddy like a little school girl... er... i mean, boy, yes school boy. yeah. Heh, yeah you know what I meant.
Andrea Brewer - Andrea is Richie's girlfriend. She's awesome in that she is very comical and extremely nice. Her kindness is a great qaulity about her. It's very easy for her to make me laugh, even if she and richie happen to be arguing about something... heeehee. Of course they aren't really yelling or screaming at eachother. It's playful arguing. She's good with giving advice also!
Neil Donovan - Neil is very inquisitive, I will never hate him for it. I love it. He questions me about lots of things. When he asks questions, it makes me feel good to know that I can answer them for him. We both carry the same zodiac sign (cancer) and we both happen to have been born on the same day (July 12th.) We are both musicians and we both have similar tastes in music. He gives me advice on things also, which I really appreciate. Neil is great at making up funny stories which are just hilarious, even if they don't make any sense! Rawk on.
Josh "Gimpy" Lutzke - I feel like I owe Josh a lot. He was there for me at a point in my life when I needed help desperately. He got me back on the right track even though some of his methods might not be considered very common, but that's ok, cause it all helped. I thank him greatly for all the things he has done for me in the past and still being around for me now in the present.
So yeah, thank you. You guys are my friends, and you fucking rawk. Goodnight.
music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Soot and Stars (the judas o album)
mood: somber
...and all that was given is all that is lost... the purpose of memory: to have and to hold when everything else is gone. Well, at least I have that (memory). Of course I am being slightly pessimistic. Jon's not in very good health recently. I'm down to one meal a day.... I'm awake all night and sleepy all day, sleep patterns are just fucked, and blah blah blah. I hate to complain but it's all I'm good for right now. I'm depressed over a few things right now, but actually, I'm really happy about other things. Basically the thing I'm depressed about is Mikal... She and I are... I guess what you could call "over." Maybe it sounds stupid of me to be depressed over it... but with the way things are, it just creates a chain reaction of other events that I just don't want to see happen. Maybe they won't, but some things already have happened (mainly because of my part, not hers.) It's hard to say this, but I'm trying to remember not to put any blame on her for her decision, it is her life and she wants different things from what I want. But I'm still going to be "pissed off" even if I try my hardest not to be. That's just the way I am, so hopefully I'm not hated for it. You know what else kinda sucks? As I look back on my other entries, I mention Mikal a lot. Dammit. So now I'm looking back on all my other entries and just feeling awkward. But then again, I shouldn't. She was a piece of my life and will remain part of my history in that time period. So it's gonna be ok, and we'll still be friends I believe. This will most likely be a little difficult for me... hmmm... but oh well.
Has anyone ever seen the movie "High Fidelity?" Ok, well that character and I have some similarities that are so close it's almost scary. He's a little bit more overboard with his collection of his music though, but whatever. That's beside the point. We both rant about things negatively... I should be trying to look on the bright side though, and there does happen to be some positives.
With delicate touch I extend my hand to thee and place a finger upon thy beauty. I see tragic eyes in her while she waits for healed wings... and though I am told I can read the mind, I have not a clue as to what she thinks.
Although I have known things on the inside before... there's still so much more to learn behind those closed doors. I'll seek to find what's behind those eyes while she searches deeply into mine. I'll seek to find what's behind those eyes while she searches deeply into my mind. ~ mind of wires
Well, I'm off to bed... even though I'm not tired. Goodnight.
music: Android - untitled instrumental
mood: sleepy bitch mode
All right, so pretty much everything sucks for me right now. I have no vehicle to drive. I lost my driving priviledges. I'm being bossed around by my parents which makes me look extremely pathetic. College is a whorebag... (in other words, exams suck ass.). And rehearsals for chicago are hell. I thought doing the show arthur was crappy because of the heavy costume I wore and all the scratches and whatnots that I got from swordfighting... but now in Chicago, I'm trying to focus on singing, dancing, acting, memorizing, and miming... all within 2 weeks. Ack... Plus, I should mention this: the reason I don't have a vehicle is because I got a speeding ticket. $169. That fucked me over. I tried to raise enough money to pay for the ticket by selling demos of my music... but the process kind of came to a hault once my parents found out about the ticket. I was going to tell them eventually... but here is how they found out: My mom noticed that I was coming home from college for lunch, instead of staying there and paying for food. This made her curious as to why I was coming home. She asked me if I was low on money. I didn't really give her an answer, I told her I just didn't want to spend the money... so what does she do? She goes into my room and looks through my stuff. Where of course, she finds the speeding ticket. Now, first of all, I put the speeding ticket in the drawer next to my bed, because that's where I keep notes and whatnot, and I guess I assumed that my parents wouldn't go snooping through my stuff. Well I was wrong. This makes me extremely pissed off. Do I have any privacy? I guess not. Not only that, but then she knew about the speeding ticket. And because of the way that she found it, it makes it look like I wasn't going to tell her. Fuck. I lost the priviledges to driving immediately. When I can't drive, that means I can't hang out with people as often. The day I got the ticket, I knew I wasn't going to tell my parents. That day was horrible. I was exhausted from doing the show Arthur, and then I get busted for speeding. My fault though... So then I'm on my way home (I was hanging out with mikal, brandi, kj, and ashley earlier that night) and my parents call... I say that I'm on my way home... my dad askes me if something is wrong, I mention that I had a "bad day" but I didn't go into further detail, even though he wanted me to. But you know what would've happened had I told him why? I probably would've gotten bitched at. Who the fuck would want to get bitched at when they just explained to the person that they pretty much feel like shit....but any way my bad day turned into a bad week, when they decided to become more of a problem them a solution in my life. They give me food, shelter, clothing and everything I need to survive, but yet they still manage to make life hell for me? Maybe I'm just spoiled and asking for too much, or maybe, deep down, I'm right, and they are putting stress on me. Maybe both. Probably both. I know I'm fucking spoiled and immature and irresponsible. So fucking what...? Maybe I'm just practicing in case I become an actor or a musician. Practice makes perfect....
music: pigface - asphole (the best of pigface album)
mood: a bomb waiting to implode
This is my first entry of the new year so I guess I better make it a good one. (yeah whatever.) I have downloaded the item known as fruity loops and I have since been working fiercely to make new music. Ok, not that fiercely, but I have been working on it. Yeah. In recent days, I've watched the special dvd edition of terminator 2 and the movie suicide kings. I also watched the dvd edition of pulp fiction with mikal. She enjoyed it, so did I. My recent weeks have mostly consisted of going to play practice for the show Arthur: the boy who would be king. I have grown out my hair a little bit and I also have a goatee now. My hair is going to look like an afro if it gets any longer though... shit. After practice I have hung out with Mike Q., Jimmy, and Jeff. We go to Mike's house. It's fun stuff. I should also mention that Mike has let me borrow some of his CDs and I burned copies for myself. Ah, that fucking rawks. I now have a new collection of bile, pigface, prick, aphex twin, cevin key, and godhead. So all you other shits out there can give me the finger, because I'm fucking cool now, bitches. Heh, sorry. You know I love all of you. So, how have I been you ask? Ah, I'm fine. I noticed something quite interesting lately. I am not hanging out with everyone that I'd like to hang out with. I've been spending a lot of fucking time making music and sitting around in my basement... Play practice is also a time consumer. I must say I am still enjoying my winter break though. College is probably going to be somewhat of a bitch this coming semester. But that's ok, it won't be that bad. I just don't like getting my ass up at 9:00 am. But I know, better than fucking highschool. Heh, suckers. I guess I'm hanging out with Amanda and her boyfriend Mike, along with their friend Anna on Saturday. I guess I'm new and exciting and they need amusement. That's all I'm good for anyway right? Well I think I'm going to go. I feel the need to update other parts of this website. I mean come on! It needs new stuff for people to stumble upon... (if anyone is even looking at this website. bastards.) So yes, hopefully I'll get some new stuff up here soon. And if not, well then I contribute it to my laziness. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins, and I think it's one that I have a hard time avoiding. Speaking of seven deadly sins, has anyone fucking heard of a sequel to the movie seven being made... how fucked up is that shit?! I doubt Brad Pitt would be in it... and what about Kevin Spacey!? I'm assuming Morgan Freeman will be in it. Oh yeah, I said I was going to go... and I am. Stay cool assholes! Seeyabye!
P.S. ~Fuck it up pigface, fuck it up pigface, fuck it up pigface, fuck it up!~
music: radiohead - climbing up the walls (OK computer album)
mood: alive
So where should I begin with the entry today... Well check this out: On the 22nd, I saw the movie The Two Towers with my homies Richie, Neil, Andrea, Sean, and of course Mikal. Then I went to Mikal's house and we tried cooking... and the oven caught on fire. It was crazy. There was no fire extinguisher or baking soda... so I'm thinking we're fucked. I called me mum and dad to see if they had any suggestions. My dad recommended flour, which we then proceeded to try on the fire. Yes, flour does not work well with flames. Eventually we were able to contain the fire by closing it off and containing it until the fire suffocated itself, whew. We ended up going to KFC and picking up potato wedges and popcorn chicken. The party was pretty cool. Richie got me some nice blank CDs and cases. I was happy. On christmas eve, family came over and I got money and stuff. I went to church with my mommy and sang songs and whatnot. On christmas, I opened me gifts, and was content. I got money, gift certificates, more blank cds and cases, a scanner, movies and whatnot. The rest of the day I spent cleaning shit off this here computer and then I hung out with Mikal and gave her some gifts. We had a wonderful christmas night together. When I got back home I went online and Mikal and I wrote poetry to eachother back and forth, that was pretty cool. My brain eventually went dead and I could no longer write anything. Ah and now today. I have the luxury of washing dishes soon. How enjoyable. As for the rest of the day, who knows what I'll do with it. My radiohead CD is almost over as well... I guess that means I should bring this to a close, wouldn't you say? Ok then. Adios amigos.
music: stabbing wesward - shame (wither blister burn + peel album)
mood: mookie
I should be working on finals right now. I'm seriously going to get fucked over on that shit... But it would be my own fault for not studying I suppose. I'd rather sit here and waste time writing in my journal, procrastinating. I'm such a loser.... yay. Anyway, I do have some good news! Mikal is at least a little healthier than we thought. She doesn't have tumors or sists and whatever it is that she does have, it will apparently go away. Isn't that happy? I think so. In other news... I'm still putting delicate touches into music that I'm making. Who knows how long that will take to finish. I wish I could do vocals in a band but I just don't know if I carry any talent in singing... not a whole lot of people have confidence in me so why should I? I like hearing honesty but at the same time, I don't like the idea have to deliberately tell me that I do a shitty job memorizing my lines for shows, or that my acting was terrible or that my singing sucked. I usually ask when I want an opinion. Oh well. I'm going to go elsewhere and be bored of my ass and do nothing when I could be studying!
music: a song i made, titled: vampyre flight
mood: perturbed
Mikal. She is ill... it hurts me to see her this way. She is in pain. I don't know how deep her suffering goes, but she is scared. I wish I knew of a way to make things better for her. I wish I knew of a way to help her but all I can do is just be there for her and try comforting her as best as I can. Today, I had play practice for my show in Elkhart Lake (this french comedy theater show... which isn't really all that funny in my opinion.) and after rehearsal, I went home and Joe called. I spoke with him and then spoke with Mikal. We decided to all hang out. We went to Cousins and I had a wonderful pizza sub. We then drove to my house and I showed Joe my pictures of me dressed as a female. I wonder if he thought I was sexy...? Anyway, I grabbed a CD of strange music material I made and then played it in the car as we drove to the Wal-Mart in Plymouth. Joe went shopping like a motherfucker. My good friends, Andrea and Richie showed up and we spoke with them. Also, Paul Sucherman, this cool keyboardist guy that I've worked on shows with was there too. After a while, we left there and drove back to our good ole city, listening to Stabbing Westward, which was a treat for Mikal because she had never heard them before. That surprised me. Anyway, we ate at McDonald's and then I took Joe and Mikal home. When I got home, Megan called and I spoke with her for a while and then called Mikal. She felt bad. She felt bad for the way she had acted earlier today. She was apologizing to me because she felt like she was being mean. I felt that she was a little moody, but she wasn't being cruel or anything. I want to be as understanding as possible, so when her mood changes, I'm aware that she's doing it unintentionally and I think it will pass when she's in a better condition. As I said earlier, she is ill, which I only learned about on Friday. I knew she had scoliosis, but what she has now seems to be worse than that. I believe how she explained it...it's because of the calcium deficiency in her bones.... apparently causing sists or tumors to form. She's seeing a doctor tomorrow... (which is technically later today, because as I look at my watch, it's monday already.) I hope everything goes all right for her. I just want to know that everything is going to be all right. I care about her a lot. I don't want her to think that the problems she's going through is going to make me grow distant from her. I tried explaining that to her tonight. I want to be there as often as I can for her.
music: jaded love and jealousy? wild card? - autumn midnight (headaches and nightmares album)
mood: warm and toasty
So I got up and go to college... I fell asleep during my first class... and then wake up for my next classes and then I was done with all that shit. I began to leave school and as I did, I noticed that the sky was filled with menacing snow flakes... I got to my car and began to drive. Ah, it became all warm and toasty in my car. I was so comfortable that I decided to go for a little ride instead of going straight home. As I drove I began thinking that I would like someone to be with me while I shared this moment of watching the winter day... so I drove to Mikal's house. She was wearing black velvet-like pants with this tight, asian-looking black and red dress with a fishnet shirt underneath. It was quite sexy. I had a specific reason for wanting her to come with me. I wanted to take her to the graveyard where we had shared a moment once before. This time it would be different though (and unfortunately, our time was limited...(as always it seems)...) because last time we shared a moment there it was during autumn whereas today it was a winter setting. We drove down the lakefront area. The waves of the lake were crashing fiercely but it looked beautiful. No snow flakes were falling from the sky anymore but gusts of wind had picked up the snow from the ground, making it seem as if a the earth was exhaling light vapor trail mists. We passed the lake and I drove to the graveyard. The graves were covered with sheets of snow. I felt peaceful there. I think having songs like 'and all that could have been' and 'leaving hope' by nine inch nails, helped the atmostphere of the moment as well. Soon after we gazed at the graveyard, time was running out again so I took Mikal back to her home, she was slightly sad because she said she wouldn't get to see me at all later today... she had a chiropractor appointment and was hanging out with her friends KJ and Megan later. I realized that I also had to get home soon before my parents started freaking out for me not being home. So I dropped her off and headed on home. When I got to my house, my parents questioned me on where I was and simply told them that I decided to stay at the college and talk to some friends because the weather seemed to difficult to drive in. Yeah, I lied, I'm such an asshole. Anyway, I crawled back into my basement and stared into a glowing box while typing for a while. Then I recieved a phone call from one of my homies (Neil) and spoke of plans for the night. After a lovely chicken dinner with my family (we eat chicken all the fucking time...) I went back to the glowing box and spoke with a girl I hadn't talked to in a while... Amanda W! She seemed bored, so I challenged her to join Neil and I on our quest to destroy boredom. She declared war on boredom and decided to join us. Soon Richie wanted to get up in all that too... so we all decided to chill. So we did. Neil, Amanda and I met up with Richie at Wal-Mart. We discovered Richie right by the entrance. As soon as we walked in, there he was, along with Sarah E. and her boyfriend Greg and her brother Billy. We talked with them for a bit but then headed out and went to McDonald's. As we reached the counter of McDonald's, I heard voices... and no I don't mean the voices inside my head... I don't get those... (well not yet anyhow.) but instead, I heard voices of people being slightly loud with the restuarant. Damn teenagers! So I looked over at this booth and there is this guy with black hair with red stripes in it. He looked like an interesting fellow and I assumed that he was probably with people I would know. I don't know why I thought this, I just did. So I told Richie and the gang that we should stay there and eat, just so that when we were seated, I could see if he was with anyone I would know. Well, Amanda went over to find a booth and suddenly said, "Jon! Look!" So I looked over to where she was and I saw Megan. "Ah, it's that one friend of Mikal's" I thought. And then it occurred to me that Mikal was probably with them and the guy with the black and red hair was the KJ guy. I turned out to be right. So after I got my food, we sat and chatted with them. Mikal spoke of hanging out later with me, since Megan had to be home early. I was cool with that. Amanda ended up going home early too. Richie and Neil came over to my house and we watched Vieuphoria (a Smashing Pumpkins DVD that I had gotten on Sunday when Mikal and I had gone shopping in Milwaukee!) Mikal arrived later. Richie and Neil left after a while and then it was just Mikal and I. We talked, kissed and cuddled while listening to the groovy psychedelic sway of the smashing pumpkins cd pisces iscariot. Time was once again becoming an issue. Mikal mentioned how everytime she and I are lost in a moment, we soon find ourselves having to come back to reality and go our seperate ways. She mentioned that time was against us. I agreed with her in a sense. But in the same sense I was trying to explain that time was also on our side. Time found a way for us to reach eachother. Something like that. Yeah. Anyway, as I was driving her home, I found it appropriate to play a song by ColdPlay, titled: Amsterdam, where the main chorus of the song is "Time, it's on your side, it's on your side now." Ah, such a clever and fiendish wit I have. Or... at least that's what I like to believe, but I'm probably wrong. Ah, whatever. So I took her home, we said our goodbyes and then it was back off to home for me, where I once again returned to the vile glowing box and typed away to people online and wrote this lovely journal entry. But alas, I grow weary and I need sleep. The song (Autumn Midnight) that I was listening to when I started this entry happens to be playing again. That means that the songs on my winamp have made a full rotation. Well I'm off for now. Goodnight!
music: pink floyd - is there anybody out there? (the wall album)
mood: milk
I've been listening to a lot of the Pink Floyd album the wall. I'm borrowing it from Sarah. Such a kind thing of her to do, letting me borrow a CD and all.... ah yes. Anyway, I don't know what else to talk about... heh. My own journal and I have no fucking clue what to write. That's wonderful. Um... hmmm... well, I got up this morning after a phone call awoke me from my slumber. I got all ready and whatnot and went out to plymouth to eat lunch. I don't eat breakfast much anymore... because i'm not up soon enough to eat it. Two meals a day aren't too bad are they? So I go to plymouth, have some chili and a drink and then come back home, study some lines, and end up here online to type away about things that I won't even care to remember writing later on.... ah, wonderful.
music: pink floyd - in the flesh? (the wall album)
mood: plum
Hey Babe. How you doing? Today is one of those days. Ah yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Do you really? Well fuck you then, cuz I don't even know what I'm talking about. It's the day after thanksgiving, (happy thanksgiving by the way.) Hope it was a pleasant experience for you and whatnot. You know what I realized makes my journal entries not interesting? I haven't mentioned sex, drugs, violence and all that good stuff... I mean, that's why people watch TV isn't it, for all that 'cool' wild action packed entertainment? So does that mean if I were to mention more things about sex, drugs or violence that I would get better ratings for my journal entries perhaps? Hmmmm... that's sad.... so yeah, my friends and I rolled some joints, smoked some crack, killed some gangsta's and then had an orgy over their brutally mutilated dead bodies. How's that for entertainment? Ok that's bullshit but don't tell me you were at least slightly interested.... Anyway, back to reality. A few people... well actually, more than a few people have been asking me about this girl named Mikal. People are wondering if we are dating. Are we? Well my answer to that is yes and no. It can be said that she and I are dating. Losely dating. We aren't exactly boyfriend and girlfriend but we have a relationship together. Does that clear up confusion? Do you even give a shit? No, I didn't think so. Some people do seem to have a problem with us being together though, but hey, that's ok. I don't think it's too controversial is it? Anyway, I don't think I like writing journal entries but I'll probably keep on writing them, just so I can look back on things for memories and whatnot. Whether it's interesting for other people or not, it shouldn't matter to me should it? If you want to read you can but if it's not of any interest to you, oh well then.
music: the beat box sounds of my own voice
mood: cannibalistic
Hey look, it's Saturday. Well ain't that the shit. So I've been sitting here on my ass typing for who knows how long. Having the motivation to get out of bed is a real bitch lately. After I got up I realized I had been sleeping on my right arm, therefore, there was no feeling in it. That damn tingling sensation had set in. I had some lunch and then I went online. Something interesting might occur today. It's 2:33 pm right now. I have the option of going to a cast party tonight.. Will I go? I don't know. I'd like to hang out with Richie and or Mikal today, but who knows what is going to happen. I'd like to see a movie too... ah. Oh well, that's all for now.
What a busy fucking day. It fucking rawked though. The excitement started when I picked up Mikal. She and I went to plymouth for the exchange bank coffe house poetry reading thingy. I think she had a good time. She read one of her awesome poems and the crowd was in awe of it. They loved it. Anyway, after that, I drove back to Sheboygan. We met up with Mike Q, Jimmy and this girl named Jenny who was on crutches. We met up with them at the weather center cafe (another coffee house.) Then it was off to milwaukee for a cool ass concert. I saw voodoo, cherry blue and my life with the thrill kill kult. I had a lot of fun. I got to kiss cherry blue of the cheek and she gave mikal and I a hug. How nice of her. After the concert, I went to burger king with mikal and then it was back off to home for myself.
I hung out with Kristen and went to the YMCA for a while. She wanted to get a membership there... I found that odd, but that's just me. I hate the YMCA... it either reminds me of The Village People (you know, the guys that sang the song 'YMCA'...) or it reminds me of all the reasons I hate sports... icky shit right there. Anyway, she wanted a tour of the place and that's what she got. I was enthralled... really I was. Ahem... ok, I disliked it and she could tell. Ah, it's gonna be ok though. After the YMCA bullshit, we drove to Nic's house. We talked for a while until suddenly Nic's dog (duncan) escaped from Nic's house. So for the next 20 minutes we chased his fucking dog around the neighborhood. Believe it or not, I had fun. The thrill of chasing a wild beast is quite refreshing. Eventually some neighbor girls caught the dog. Kristen and I were perturbed. We wanted the satisfaction of catching the dog ourselves. Oh well. I was out of breath. We then drove over to the weather center cafe. That place is great. I got a large chocolate and caramel steamer (you should try one). Ruth was working there (Neil's older sister.) She talked to us a bit. After a while, we finished our drinks and headed over to my house. Andrea and Richie joined us there and then it was off to family video. Kristen and Nic picked up movies and decided that they were too cool to hang out with us anymore so I dropped them off at Nic's house. Now it was just me with Andrea and Richie, so to save myself from them being all 'boyfriend and girlfriend-ish' I decided to give Mikal a call. We stopped at her house, picked up the movie Blue Velvet and watched it at my house. Richie and Andrea left half way through the movie because they also decided they were too cool for me, so they left to go make out or have sex or whatever so Mikal and I finished watching the movie and then I went to her house for a while, then I came home and went to sleep. Yay!
I finally finished working on this show called The Nerd. We had a cast party at the directors house. After the party was over, some friends wanted to go to this place called Jalisco's. I had never been there and didn't really want to go so I told them I was tired. They insisted that I go. So I got into my car and followed Rachel's car. As I was following her down the road, she decided to go through a yellow light, which I proceeded to go through. The light turned from yellow to red and then I was fucked... Suddenly red and blue lights were flashing behind me. A cop. I got pulled over and I told the officer the truth and why had went through the light, but alas, it was no use... He gave me a ticket for $138 and thanked me for my honesty. Yeah, well thank you too officer.... *sigh* Well I can't hate him... it's my fault, I'm the asshole. Anyway, Rachel felt partly responsible for the incident. I kept telling me that she was sorry, I believed her whole-heartedly. She shouldn't have to feel responsible though. But oh well. It will all be ok.
music: shadow pawn - nocturnal emission (headaches and nightmares album)
mood: orgasmic
It's been quite an interesting weekend. I should mention that this halloween was a blast. I should've written in my journal earlier, I would've had a lot more to mention probably... but I'll say this much: I didn't get to go trick or treating but I did end up watching vampire hunter D with some friends, a select few of us dressed up. I wore all black. Heehee. Anyway, I guess my costume was based on my character Caleb (the character I play in the script I'm writing.) I wore a black wig with it but I don't think Caleb will wear that for the movie. Shyeah. Mikal was fucking gorgeous (as always of course.) She rawks. After the movie, people went home. Mikal and I went to her house and got ready for the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I was going to go to the show with what I had on, but something compelled me to change clothes. Maybe Mikal said something, I can't recall. So, I ended going dressed as a female. When we arrived at the show, I was told I was sexy. I talked to my friend Paul, he didn't even know it was me. That was fun. After the movie was over, I went to Mikal's house again, to take off all of her clothes (er... take off all of the clothes that I was wearing that happened to be hers and then put my regular clothes back on. Yeah.). Anyway, she and I started making out. I had a good time. She's fun to make out with. We've gotten really close lately and I'm glad we are. Fuck, it's hard to write at 2:35 in the morning... you'll have to excuse any gramatical errors or sentences that don't make sense... but now I'll move on to friday. I can't say I really remember friday. I was really sleepy that day. It's pretty much a blur, but I'm sure it was fun. Ok! On to Saturday! I woke up with a phone call from a director offering me a part in a show. They're paying me $50 per show. I decided to go for it. Then I helped with chores around the house and eventually I got to hang out with people. I hung out with Mikal, Trisha, Ashley, and Andy (who I just met and he was all quiet.) They dressed me like a female (again.) This time, my reasoning for being female was for a sociology project I'm working on. Yes, I do have legitament reasons for wearing girl's clothing! Then we went places. Amanda's house, McDonald's, Wal-Mart and blah blah blah. At Wal-Mart I saw Richie and Nick. Richie was quite preturbed seeing me as a female. I understood his reasoning, but I was a little disappointed in his reaction towards it, but that's ok. That's why I did this expirment to begin with. What I did was not something of 'normal' standards. Every country has social norms... laws that aren't exactly written down but just ideals that either are or aren't socially accepted among the people. What I did was not illegal, it just isn't welcomed under our social norms. What I did was considered a deviant act, which is what the whole expirment is about! I had to gather information on people's reactions and whatnot. Anyway, to reclaim my manhood, after everyone went home, I stayed and Mikal's and we shared some wonderful quality time together. She read me her poetry, which I really enjoyed. After that we just sat and talked for a while about relationships and friends and eachother. We really like eachother. We aren't dating but we're together, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I'm really glad I'm getting to share experiences with her. Dammit, there is so much more I'd like to say right now but I'm fucking tired. People took pictures of me as a female... wow, that'd be fucking cool to post the pictures on this website, but who knows. I doubt that will happen. I'm going to go now. I'm about to fall asleep. Not like you care to read any more shit anyway. Goodnight!
P.S. For those who realized I wasn't female... they thought I looked like Marilyn Manson. That may disgust you, but I think that's pretty cool in my book. Manson's a nice guy. Don't believe me?! Watch him on the Hward Stern show sometime!!!!
music: aphex twin - jynweythek (drukqs album)
mood: swedish
I would've made a dead journal... but I couldn't. Do you know what a dead journal is? Well it's just an online journal thingy that people use. I wanted to make a dead journal. But I couldn't, they wouldn't let me. I would've had to pay to use one. I guess I'm just not cool enough. I used to have a journal on this website...but I trashed it. Why may you ask? I felt that it was pure shit. So this is a new attempt. Oh, and I'm not saying this one will be any better either. I'm just saying that I'm going to go with a fresh start... Strange eh? Well, get over it, everything is strange! So is the music I'm listening too... (Aphex Twin). Halloween is coming very very soon. I am quite excited. My friend Kristen is helping me write a script. Well rewrite I should say, actually. The script is called Shadow Minds. I should mention that it is she that gave me the inspiration to start my own journal up once again. She has a journal at deadjournal.com. It's quite good. Anyway... once the script is finished, we're going to make it into a movie. Is that fucked up or what? I'll be playing a vampire by the name of Caleb. Meanwhile, in other hopeless aspirations, I am making an album under the name Shadow Pawn. The album will be titled Heachaches and Nightmares. Hopefully people will be interested in owning a copy but who knows. It's going to take me a long time to finish the fucking thing... but I must say I am quite happy with the results so far. That's all for now. Seeyabye.