Eyes in your hands, you've found a way, you've found your way. Interest doesn't last forever though, so I will understand should you decide to leave. If you go, then you go, it's just the way you chose. Just as every journey in life, it's your decision (usually), but if you're here reading and plan to stay, then be my guest and see what I have to say... for this message is for you and me combined.
The piano keys play on, trying to be light on every note, but every now and then it twitches. I've tried, through trickery and rhyme, but we can't win all the time. Though when we opened our eyes to this world, we were born into false hopes even though we did not realize it at the time. We saw dreams as realities until age became reality and reality became reason, and reason became doubt. That doubt was reason. So, by reasonable doubt we drowned our dreams. So where do you stand on these endless seams? Do I need to stand corrected? If you don't believe the words I speak then please, by all means, try to make me understand your feeble decries. If nonsense is a word that comes to mind in this point in time than take me for who I am. For what else am I but a fool? If you don't believe me then I believe you. As we dust our feet across the tired city floors, we drag our lives behind us. We're still looking for something more. I'd pack my bags and leave this town but where ever I go, I'd still be around. I'm sure you can relate and if not, don't feel left out, it's never too late. Mysteries are ready to wait. Waiting to be revealed. Nothing ever truly ends, so the mysteries of me and the mysteries of you and everything we knew and know go unattended. If we knew every little secret and every little lie then we might as well just die for worth would be worthless.
If I were a candle, then a candle I would be. My innocence as deadly as the flame that lets me see. A bright candle burning. The flame is heart, desire and love. It burns so true, brightening the room. Still listening are you? This flame is love, glowing as the night comes to hold us young. The flame so strong, it melts the wax, molding my emotions into any chosen formalities. So how is it that a burning love can destroy our destinies? If love conquers all, then a diminished love must leave us helpless and broken. Beyond the candles are left nothing but memories. The aged drifting shadows. I will never learn, will you? Where can we go? What can we do? I think I will end this passage soon. I might have said too much, even though I don't think I've said enough. In the spaces between silence and a scream, all that was lost was all that was near. I fear, a piece/peace of my heart has been forever lost here.
The words flow,remembrance and waters that surround it. Two and I. We made our way down a path tonight, in darkness all was held by light. The enchanted tower led us to share it's beauty, paused moments, the universe and revelations within us. My thoughts lingered as much as they do now. Clothed within synthetic web flesh, I curled tight to myself, staring out, pondering. The waters surrounded us. We stared into the vast black ocean of stars, and the dark waters below it. Even with all the water, the conversations were still left dry. She and I were drowning in silence. In want of something I could not possess, I looked inside myself only to be as lost as the emptiness of the sky. The others were as silent as I. My thoughts became wonderment of their thoughts in mind. Restrained from opening, I feel it difficult to speak of what I wish to say... But what of me? What does it matter? As much as I could say, it has already been said. I am swimming through the memories that should be locked away instead. To continue like this would be a mistake. But why should I care? Fine. Take it. I know it matters to me and most likely, not to you, but as for me, hopefully, someday this misery will end. My friend, my love, my cure, my disease, such is she. The darkness that clothed her body. The pale flesh beauty of her face. Her grace. The mystery of her eyes. So vacant, her eyes, I would be more lost inside them than in any ocean. Let me out. Please. I wished so much to say all the right things. But how and why? When love turns to sand, trying to fix it will only make it worse. Like the mud that shapes my past. Rock and roll, ease my soul. Give me something to feel. Does she realize? Can she see what's become of me?
who am I to need you now / to ask you why to tell you no / to deserve your love and sympathy / you were never meant to belong to me - Billy Corgan (crestfallen)
And so, here I am. You've found me and what I bleed.
Isolate myself from everyone to keep the pain away. Stab. Stab. Cut. Cut. Peal off my face and throw it away. Shattered absolution. No longer pure. Only one simple cure. Kill me....Everything red because of violent blood. Bright read. Splashed all over the walls. I don't know you. You don't know me. You don't know anything. Feelings of detachment and unreality. I don't know you. You don't know me. You don't know anything about me. Feelings of detachment and unreality. Screaming... feeling so helpless, dreaming for sleep. I feel like I'm dying... dying to change somehow. And somehow I've changed, not liking what I've become. As the rain pours it's hate on me, just like every day, it kills the me I used to be, makes me fade away. Fuck all of you and everything you are. So destructive we are and so... I hate.
Developed in frozen moment, thoughts forever etched in time, in my eyes, in my mind. I kept it. In need of redemption. In need of remembrance. Indeed. I kept it. I kept it. Mine forever? Today, unlike any other, I was brought back to a past that has since faded. If only you could have seen such memories. Do you carry the same as I? If only I could reach inside your heart, pull out the remains... piece back together all the things that you and I became. Then set you free, wait and see... if you'd come back to me. But these thoughts and things are not meant to be. You are right and I will someday have to see. I have to speak. I have to write in riddle and rhyme, for my words just fuck up what I wish to say almost all the time. Distractions are sometimes also necessary. Indecisions made so high, an incandescent love ready to die, I address you with a smile, even with hidden dispair deep down inside, underneath my eyes I'm but a child. Developed in frozen memory, picture forever etched in time, in my eyes, in my mind, I'm but a child. Let the scene now change. I begin to think off to somewhere else, far far away. I sit in the sands. My arms open to the sky. The waters slowly receding to my feet. I look down. I'm not on the ground. In the sky. Floating high. There is no pain. There is nothing. There is nothing for me. I am more than anything you ever really believed. A momentary relapse from the current state of my sanity. I think I was lost, just for a moment, but now I think I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm just a forgotten black page. Maybe, someday someone will fill my words with love and then I will have something nice to say....
If you could only see. You are all so cruel. Not just to me because I to am cruel. So kill us all, for we are nothing but hate and desire and so much more that we cannot comprehend. A fragile intellect. Waste and beauty, hand in hand. We are both nothing and something. Everything and nothing. Nothing and everything. Everything. So why say anything? Step away from the mirror, you're getting to deep inside your eyes. I wish I could kill the jealousy and desires but there is no cure. And you cannot cure me. You cannot not help me. And even if you could, why would you?
"I feel like shit. You know, in reality, I have a fucking nice life. Meaning, I always have food when I want it, my house is fit for a king, I have friends and I'm not dying or sick. I wasn't born into a world where these horrid things can reach me, I was born into a society where we want more, need more. Where we'll never be satisfied and I'm just a product of this." - Kristen Dreifuerst
So true the words are, that they should pierce your very own pathetic soul. May our existence forever stab your heart.
Taking another stone, letting it skip across the waters, new ripples appear... unlike the tribulations I've seen before. Realizations occur. I still see the perfection in your eyes, reflecting back to me. All the beauty...(which can't always be described but others will agree) that holds me, takes me...how distracting. I'm still slipping from the light I thought would dissolve. At first I thought I was pushing myself away... but it was you all along. If you can severe the ties... so can I. Or so I try.
So here I am for all of you to see, everything has been ripped apart from of me, I lay here stranded now, too much too late to work all this out. The stale sedated soul cries out for relief, looking for a stronger medication to help ease the pain...Oh, now I better leave... There is nothing that you need. I better go... There is nothing for you to know. So I'll break myself beceause it's all I know how to do. And in my shadows you shouldn't be afraid. And in my shadows, you should just be aware. Because within shadows you will always find me there. The reflections of me can always be seen at least somewhere among the scenes. So it has begun. I hope this is the last of what is to become. No more do I wish to write of this. No more. I want to cut the stem from this flower for a while. This dirtwerm and the petals can no longer connect. And yet... they can. She can. But I can't. For the addiction is still so very high. It's hard to overcome. I gave to her the obvious... made her understand, so everything I say, comes so clear, it's so well known, it's like shards of glass being thrown. Careful wit and charm riddled rhymes no longer work... for nothing can cloak what is already known. Her senses deadened for me completely.
When suffering is my only true friend, when love seems so difficult to comprehend, when silence is my solution for any question, that's when I realize this has to end. Show me how to let go. As rain places a hand on me, cold tear descending sky, at the cliff I watch the world, a fallen angel I cry. I've said what I wanted to say and still I feel like there is an empty page to fill. Some more time to kill.
she isn't going to come back and mend your broken heart
fuck you I know...
Change is inevitable. And change is what I'll have. I'll seperate the waste from the youthful heart. Crack the reserved plans and split them apart. I'm sorry for all of this, it is difficult. I hope you'll understand the decisions I've decided to make, maybe I won't go through with them completely, but if I do, realize that it is not out of hatred for you. Just for now. Just for now. All these doors I must close. Reflections and shadows.
"It appears to me that it is our intricacies that is walking upon the walls of our skulls, preventing and altering our mind from whatever it is we choose to cloak or cull, one may seem to stand within a darkened path, but need I remind, all have darkness in time." - Jonathan
And as I come now to a close, this message was for you and you alone... I've seen so much and I tried to push it back behind my mind, but then it grew too strong and I could no longer be so blind so I'm cutting all these ties because now I realize that it's only killing me inside. Goodbye.
more. more. more. you want some more, you filthy whore. Sinning to my rotten core. Bleeding with beaten sores, I am nothing more then a filthy whore. As I find new hate in everyday, I watch ALL OF YOU fade away. Fine. So be it. For now I don't know what to say. I strain to remain.... but I wrap myself around. I strain to remain... but I've lost all judgement on how to get myself out. So I pull myself deeper in. Sin within my skin. Deprived,, depraved, deranged kind of crave. Too late to save.
turn up your guitars... let them blare. Louder, louder. Come on you little fucker, is that all you got? When you got your wish you wished you hadn't gotten it. How ironic. And now you wish deeper and for something else and for something more. Well I hope you get what you're looking for. This time.... This time you just might. This message isn't just for one person... but fused and confused as two or maybe even three or four. Such different people and such different tracks. Symbols reign supreme. Those words are not mine. But they fit. Thank you. Anyway... Symbols, yes. In one hand we have a girl. A girl who's "godliness" far surpasses any human being such as myself. Ah yes, this girl is what you would call an 'evolved human species.' That's right. I'd like to scream at her. Oh, don't worry, she isn't the only one. Her intelligence hasn't impressed me as of yet, but yet, she thinks she is some sort of superior form. I must say that her powers of manipulation impresses me though... she manipulated me and I even knew it was happening. That is sad. Hey, I never said I was intelligent, so fuck you. Amongst her symbols I left a piece of my literature... I'd like to see or hear of her reaction sometime in the near future. I'm assuming she'll either find it to be complete insane rantings or brilliance. Maybe she won't think of it to be either. Who knows. All right. On to the other hand. On the other hand, we have two other girls, yes, two girls. These girls are quiet in a loud sort of fashion. Speaking terms with them can be simple words, empty spaces, or nothing at all. I'd like to say that I hope they find true happiness, but at the same time, I wish nothing of the sort of both of them. Why? Well mainly because I'm a fucking asshole. And other people's happiness occassionally brings me sadness. I have made mentions of not speaking of such subjects before and here I am again, 'mentioning'. So these girls happened to come across other people of interest. I was a little preturbed considering all the shit that has... well... occurred with myself being involved. Oh well. I guess the perfect answer to this situation is... 'eh...fuck it.' It's a shame though. It's a shame that I've tried in my life. In my life I've tried. Tried to make things work. To no prevail. But keep trying. Fine. I will. Personally I'd like fire to burn down the flowers that ache my mind. I'd like to just say "Fuck you for what you've done to me." But where does that get us?
~How could I ever think it's funny how everything you swore would never change is different now. Like you said , you and me, we'll make it through, didn't quite... fell apart, where the fuck were you?~
Well as far as I know... someone else has caught their eyes. "May he fuck with you as you fucked with me." I shouldn't wish that upon anyone, but anger seizes my throat and tortures my mind. I need communication. Or maybe I don't need communication. I need sleep.
It is strange in the way that you found in me, as I did in the human soul of every human being, but as for you, mainly me, so let me see... I did reply with such a certain piece even through doubt of what to say,even though I must make a way for it to be known that what you said makes me love you in that non-sort of loving way (as a friend) with everything that you have ever said... I am apart of your life even though I am aware of being just a fraction of such a thing, for that is how I see people too, or at least I think you do, as I know I do, so let us continue in our ways without pause or without restrain for what better way to be then be here right now with all that we have and all that we've drawn because what is now won't always be young but maybe I'm wrong. But something I am not wrong about is this.. You're a beautiful person to know. And to say that is to be misinterpreted or misunderstood. So I shall explain. Beauty within the soul, even in times of self-hate, or anger towards others, it is within our nature of every being, and that beauty is still seen by me in you. So complete in all our ways, we are who we are, aren't we? I'm glad to have found you somewhere along the line, this line that may someday break and should it decide to take that place than let it be because I've been preserving what is and what was and what always will be. Yes this is an ode to someone... or anyone. Which do you prefer? Do you prefer this to be an ode to just you or to everyone in general? I guess it's up to you on how much of a personal level you wish to take it. As for me, I know what is and what was meant to be by all of this. So... are you just like me?
when surrounded by white snow, the time when breath becomes swirling vapor trails outside, I may be freezing cold, but I have memories to keep me warm inside.
Within a heart's captivity, lies the jagged glass known as love, we're all friends until we're enemies, do you have control over what you become? What's wrong? Do my words actually ring reality in your ear? I fucking hope so. I'd really really enjoy it if one of you... yes - YOU, being the reader - would try to come up with a fair account of what the fuck I'm writing about in any one of these passages and then send me what you think. I doubt any of you'll even attempt it but that's ok. I'm lazy too. It's just nice to get feedback from people. (and to prove that people are actually fucking reading this shit.) Anyway, I shall continue with my writing now and I hope you are eagerly awaiting the bits and pieces of what I have to say. We are at wonder of loves truth and beauty as it flows with fragile cotton freedom, tied with strings made of cold licked fire, we love, we lose, we crave, we desire. Hmmm... that last sentence seemed full of little contradictions within truth and lies.. Distracting isn't it? Lift up your forgotten candles and raise them high. Let the world know that even if they fuck with you, you can still put up a fight. Lift up your forgotten candles and raise them high. Let the world know that they can't stop you from burning bright. I'll bring you hope for now but I can't promise for how long. I'll bring you hope for now until something goes wrong. I'll bring you hope for now but I can't promise for how long. I'll bring you hope for now until something goes wrong. So aim yourself to the sky. Find relief in something. Far away. Far from any pain. Throw your hatred away. Just for now, just for today. Try. See how long we can hang. I'm trying. Smile. I'm trying. Please smile Jon. I'm trying dammit. Just smile Jon. Just for now, just for today. Ok ok ok.... I'm ok. Everything is ok.
Ok so even I do realize that when we are in pain we don't want to have to force happiness, so why should I force it upon anyone? Well I'm not. I'm just saying try to find it. But I guess I shouldn't be speaking out on a subject that I, myself, am not fully grasping. I'm trying though. Have I ever had true happiness? Yes. It's called ignorance. Wow, I'm not being very optimistic am I? Well first let me say this: What I say now, just might not be my opinion on a different day, I just feel this way now. So if you disagree, that's fine, because maybe I'll look back on this and disagree with myself also. Who fucking knows. Anyway, back to my pessimistic attitude... Happiness is just ignorance. How so? Look at it for a minute. Happiness is not thinking about all the bad shit going on around you. It's pushing it away. It's forgetting it. Avoiding it. I guess another way to look at it though is this way... Happiness can be achieved if all the other shit and problems are quelled. There. Is that more optimistic for you optimists out there? There's so many aspects to be looking at on every subject that it's practically pointless to voice my opinion on anything, because I wouldn't be covering every aspect. I'd only be giving the piece of information that I know or understand the most about it. Therefore my whole lecture on true happiness can just be known as bullshit because you're only getting one person's perspective. But isn't every subject like that though? Not all the aspects can be seen. Just certain sides. So how do you get the whole picture? Well I don't know. Am I making sense? Whew.
I think I'm making perfect confusing sense, don't you think? Maybe I should've stuck this entry in the 'insane rantings' page eh? Yes, it does seem a little different from the other topics I discuss. Little less poetic wouldn't you say? I hope none of you mind too terribly. I felt the need to have something to say and didn't know how to put it in a rythmic way. There, that rhymed. Happy? Ha! I didn't think you were... because if you were happy that would just mean you were ignorant! But wait... we are ignorant. Then why the fuck am I not happy?! Hmmm... Maybe it's because I'm not completely ignorant when it comes to things that would be considered problematic. Am I being conceited to say that? Well whether I am or not it shouldn't matter currently. Anyway. I'f I'm ignorant and not truly happy I guess that explains that there is more than just ignorance within happiness. Ah. Now we're getting somewhere. Then what is it? What else is there? What else lies within happiness? Are you seriously wondering? Would you like to know? Do you want me to tell you? If you are that eager to find out than please, keep reading. All right. I'll tell you. I hope you are anticipating the answer just as much as I'm anticipating to tell you... Ok, I'll tell you: I have no fucking idea. Sorry. I'm not full of answers. Maybe you already know something I don't. If so,then by all means, tell me. Yeah. If you are as clueless than I, then that's normal in my opinion. I am not some guide, teacher, or problem solver. I have nothing to really give any of you except my mindless rants, my thoughts, my opinions, my compassion, my depression, my laughter, my attention, my love, my hate, my... my.... my happiness? Oooooh. I'm really not all that much in a bad mood right now, I should have you know. I feel quite fine actually. A sense of warmth. Happiness maybe? But yet, I don't feel too ignorant to any problems. So what then? I'd rather not contradict everything I just said (or is it too late?). But maybe this means I am being ignorant. Or maybe I have just found a balance between true happiness and ignorance. Or maybe I'm just giving you complete bullshit. It is kind of late. It's fairly possible that what I'm writing is just a cause of my being tired. Well since I am tired, I think I shall go. And please, don't fret. I'll give you hope for now but I can't promise for how long. I can give you hope for now until something goes wrong. Within a heart's captivity... I'm sure I'll have plenty more bullshit to give you next time. Goodbye.
Building a wonderful ending to an era... the presence of leadership. A connection we've hooked into our flesh long ago. War contagious toys for their amusement. Phone rings. Where was I? Fuck. Train of thought lost in a new thought.
(contained here are elements of a conversation) hmmm... let me see... life is great. I will explain... sometimes we take life for greanted too much, seriously. sometimes i don't realize how good i have it. i am so lucky and i am high and it is so much easier to realize this when i am high. i wish i was always high... not completely stoned by just like high as in a good hapy contently relaxed mood, comfortably numb. you know? just peace, that is what i am feeling now, no worrying, even sad things seen to be making me smile right now... like how much i miss sara. that would normally make me sad if i were sober but just the thoughts of how much i love her and how lucky i am to have her, makes me smile and when i am high its amplified, magnified, multiplied... SO BEAUTIFUL: life. a four letter word with so much behind each of the letters. I plan on being with sara forever. i know that sounds childish and nieve but it is not. i am completely mature in love now. serious. forever. there is so much sara and i have to accomplish. we love eachother so much. it's like fusion. i've never met anyone like her. anyone who actually needed me in their life. i've never met anyone who could possibly love me more than i them. which makes me love her even more. so we are completely and mutually equal. sara and i are one. i am babbling i know, but it is for a good cause. sara and i would not be so in love with eachother if the last 3 years weren't spent in pain and suffering because of me making mistakes. i am so glad i went through all that pain now because it was all worth it and it will be worth it for you too my friend. sara and i went out for a while ago, about 3 or 4 years now, when i was in 6th grade... i made a mistake and lost her... she gave me back what i deserved and i was broken and scared of her for 3 years... we didn't talk for that amound of time... then one day... she called me up to apologize and from then on... if it weren't for that phone call at that exact time, sara and i would not be where we are today... and probably wouldn't be where we hope to be in the next 5 years... and i owe everything i have right now to her. *tears run down face* i love her so much. i almost felt it was destined. i have found my fuctur, my life purpose and i'm only 16. i realized this tonight... that is why i am in such a great mood and why i feel so lucky because i have earned and achieved what most at my age do not quite have yet, like my good friend nelson. but in time it come and you will feel the same. you will realize what you have and that is what inspires you to keep it. yes, girlfriends are great but true love is better. it is just so overwhelmingly relieving.. my search is done... my 8 year search is finally over... just like that. boom. sara appears right in front of my nose for such a long time... but the right time came when it did... on my grandpa's computer at 2 in the morning on august 5th.... - written by a person that i know
(contained here is a journal entry written by a completely different person) *sigh* good day... i just got back from a choral concert... i thought it was a little tacky cuz we were wearing pants instead of skirts and we had our music on stage, but it went off really well... i was prepared... i was stocked up with luckiness... i had my necklace, lucky purple scraf, my Mad (her boyfriend tom) picture in my bag, and my gram mac's engagement ring with me... so i think it was a good combination of lucky things... sometimes it doesn't work, but this time it did.... so yeah... it was otay...grrr... so tired... i didn't get much sleep last night... I had a really nice long conversation with Tom last night while screen and trek and georgieporgie were doing their homework and watching movies... then hermit and georgie's girl were here... I don't have a nick name for her yet, but it's otay.... I think hermit should be called dead cuz she wears greatful dead stuff all the time... heh... sorry, sidebar... *focus*... anyways... Tom and I were talking about many a different thing, and he asked me to marry him!!! AAAHHH!!!!! EEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEEE!!! i'm so happy right now i could crap my pants.. better whip out the "oops i crapped my pants" hehehehe... anyways, yeah... it was the greatest night of my life... and the cool thing is,i'm not weirded out about it at all... i got to see him earlier tonight... it was nice... i didn't think i would, cuz he stayed the night lat night and he needed to go home and i understand, but i missed him already... but yeah... he was swearing like a sailor who stubbed his toe on some salty barnacles, but i dunno... maybe it's just one of those days... we didn't get much sleep *wink wink* so we were both really tired today...ugh. anyways... yeah... "today is the greatest day i've ever known... can't wait for tomorrow, tomorrow's what you know..." +smashing pumpkins, TODAY. L'amour des vous mes anges!! ~ le penseuse *taken!*
ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask for your faithful attention now... See these words they speak. See these words they feel. I expose them for your viewing pleasure. What is your opinion? Have one of your own, perhaps? I have given you a peak into the world of two different beings and their views of love. I took a peak into their world and found myself to be struck with awe. Is it just me or are they walking through love blindly? Through the eyes of jaded love and jealousy. I know both of these people. For the first entry I say this: He is at the age of 16... he feels their love is eternal. Nothing (that I am aware of) on this planet is eternal. Nothing. Forever doesn't exist on earth. Now, for the second entry. This girl speaks of marriage. She has known her boyfriend for less than a year. Only a few months has their supposed 'love' for eachother flourished. And she speaks of marrying him? I find that it be quite foolish. But maybe. Maybe they will marry. Even still, how long would that last? Hmmmm? I wonder. I fear for both of these people. Love is such a fragile thing... (I should mention, the two entries are written by two people that have no correlation with eachother, they are completely different, but I know both of them and I am using them as prime examples for my accusations.) If and when these two souls are left broken hearted... how will they feel then? Will they feel betrayed because of all the promises that love makes will all be broken? Or maybe, they will just say: "Oh well...I guess it wasn't meant to last, there are plenty of other people to fall in love with..." and completely deny all the 'eternal love' bullshit they spoke of earlier?
tired eyes trying to concentrate on words, meanings, questions, answers... the strange web that I tangle myself in seems to be twisting to new directions. Questions deeply penetrate my thoughts. Who is she? How long will she be apart of my life? I do know her, but even with all that I do know, I still feel the need to learn more.. more more more... I don't think she likes being questioned too much. But what do I know.. maybe I'm just asking the wrong questions. She is apart of me. Whether she is aware or not, she is. It is late... poetry is turning more into ranting... not what I wanted. I feel restricted. I know what's holding me back and it will continue to hold me back... it's not necessarily a bad thing either. It's just restricting me from what I wish to speak, and no matter what rhyme or trickery I use, I'll still feel like I am being to open... Either my words will come out too clear (which would be horrible for a page such as this) or they could be misinterpreted, which would be much worse in my opinion... so I will stick with what is written, and maybe be more open on other subjects.
The piano echoes it's notes... slowly... somberly. sadly. I'm sorry if I lost you. I'm sorry if you were never here to begin with. You might just make a fool of me yet. But that's ok. I don't mind what you might do to me. I'll still be there, when you need me. I'll be there for you. I am always here. Under the stars, on these grounds, the tears that drop here now is the rain of the coming storms that I've been told to forget.. but how can I? Maybe it's just late. Blame it on the time. For the time is easy to blame... when time isn't something that can be changed. When time is not something you can hold in your hands and recreate. I can hold you in my arms though. And I have, and hope to again. As I play songs over and over, in my head and in chamber, the memory of you places a hand on my shoulder and tells me to look at the positives. Live in the present, and do not live in the doubt of a future that may not occur. Live in the present. Live, because life is not something we will always have. I am no immortal. Why do I feel like death is so far away? It could happen at any time. The mind suddenly sways to new thoughts. Death. No. It doesn't need to be pondered. Death can wait. I want to live. Let me push it away for as long as I can. I despise it as of now. Let me accomplish things. Let me enjoy life, even with it's emotional stresses and suffering... I do fear pain, so let me push that as far off as possible as well. If I live with the positives and the negatives, I will try my hardest to enjoy. To cherish. She makes it easier. She finds ways into my thoughts, even when I am concentrating on other matters. She is not the "she" that I spoke of in other entries. No. The other "she" had left me. The "she" that I speak of now is with me. I care for this "she" as I cared for the other. I will not be cold and heartless and say that I have dropped my feelings for the other. I would be lying. I care for her, but I do not exist in her mind anymore, the girl known as Kristin. She might even feel hatred towards me. So be it. I will always treasure the moments I shared with her. Though I must say it does upset me that she wishes to have nothing to do with me. Other friends do not unsderstand that in me. I am to... "forget her." Move on, they say. Well, I have. I have moved on, but not forgotten. I would feel ignorant if I were to forget her. Maybe being ignorant isn't such a bad thing sometimes though... Questions will forever run in my mind as to what is was exactly that I did or said to make her feel the way she does. With the way things are now, I would feel uncomfortable speaking with her. I'm sure she would say the same. Maybe not. I do not know. From what I have gathered, I assume that the reason for her not having speaking terms with me is mainly based on me seeming like a whore or a fucking asshole. I take full responsibility for my actions, and it seems entirely possible for me to be categorized in that way. Ah, Kristin, I know writing this does no good, for you will never see it... but either way, I try to accept that fact that I am not wanted in any shape or form in your life... It's easier for her to dislike me... she was the one that ended the relationship. Though she was also the one that said, "we would always be friends."
Enough of this. No more thoughts on that. I drag on to long. New things happen in my life. New love. A hand to help me back on to my feet. She holds me tight, close to her body. She is beautiful in my eyes, as I am beautiful in hers. But as for my eyes currently, they are still tired. I am tired. It is difficult to continue, even if I do happen to have more to say. I look at the last entry that I have written, "through the eyes of jaded love and jealousy." Apart of me wants to take back some of the things I said... but at the same time... the two people that I happened to focus the writing on... well, they both happen to be having troubles in the areas of "love" right now. The first segment I had was about a boy and the girl he loves... well I believe they have split up... or were on the verge of it. I could be wrong though. I'd hate to give out misinformation, but maybe it's not, either way, I know they were having problems. As for the second segment, where the girl speaks of marrying her boyfriend... well the boyfriend recently mentioned that he no longer wanted to marry her. *sigh* in a sense I feel that my intuition on the subject was right, but yet, I feel like an asshole. I may not have brought any of this up to their attention, but I still thought about it... wrote it down, without them knowing. Oh well. I could go back and delete it, but I'd rather not. I feel like I was mocking them. How cruel of me. I'm about to yelled at by a parental figure..... And I was. I must be off to bed. Goodnight.
P.S. It's amazing how they can just tear me from my moments of pondering and creativity....
you love me, you love me, you love me. everything I said... I hurt you. how could I do that to you? No apology could fix all the things I've said, but you've forgiven me anyway. You held me in your arms and forgave me. you've accepted me for my faults and everything that I am. You're still with me, even after everything. I should've realized. I should've trusted you more. I wouldn't let myself realize. I wouldn't let myself put complete trust in you. I'm sorry. There's so much that I treasure. The conversations we have. the times that we laugh. your voice. your eyes. your touch. your kiss. your devotion. your emotions. your reactions. your grace. your smile. your face. your beauty. your poetry. your laughter. your kindess. your mind. your truths. your caress. your intrigue. your mystique. your drawings. your art. your strengths. your happiness. your love. ...and so many other things that I could list.
I don't know if everything is fixed, I don't know if everything will be the same way as it was before, but you've made a decision to not just throw away everything we have. I'm very grateful for that. I thought I had lost you. I thought it might be over. But it's not. Things could still be a little rough for us, but who knows. I cannot tell. You made a decision saying that we would not take things as serious. Hopefully I can try to do this. Not be as serious. It screws things up. I have to remember that. I have to move foward. Do things that I might not exactly be used to. I'll try. I'll try. I'll try. I'll do the best that I can. I'll do anything that I can for you. Anything for you. All for you.... but then you throw it all away.
any moment with you is a precious memory waiting to be etched. As whispers dance softly and my eyes grasp intensity, your elequent desires breath deep into me.
like a captured rose blooming within the forgotten soul. overcome with an evening of enchantment, where I play the role of a fool on my knees, hands held out, cupped like a bowl, begging you please, begging her to give the affection I seek. For once I was weak but the depths of perception I'm starting to see, the strengthening of emotions whirling inside of me.
you're what i see
you're what i dream
you're what i see
everything to me
you're what i see
you're what i dream
you're what i see
everything to me
Fuck... I could've seen Jeff today but instead my selfish depression led me home. Jeff was in a car accident earlier this week, his condition is fair, but basically he probably would liked to have friends around him, and I could've been there for him today, but no... I wasn't. I went home, wallowing in my own fucking hatred, anger, madness, depression, jealousy. I have so much hate now. So much to despise. I hate how I hate.
i can only lose the things that i have so it's always thrown away... lose all that i care for and all that i treasure, so let it slide and let it go and every soul that ever cared is the soul of the human that knows its unaware and i'm just ranting because no rational thought can actually enter my head when all i can think about is one and two, her and you, and though i'm not making sense i know i do because the thoughts that are swirling are the thoughts that form when i think of you and i'm thinking so clearing that it seems so blurry when written but i'm only thinking of thoughts that are basic and simple and made of human nature and love and jealousy and crazy irrational things that are completely rational because we are human and humans aren't perfect. So fuck the unfuckable and fake the unfakable because what was said was never true so i don't believe anything from you because forever doesn't feel like forever when forever feels like this and there's only one thing that feels like this and i'm feeling it right now and don't tell me you are because i know your not... but that's ok because you never truely understood anyways because all the things that hurt, always found away to bring you flowers in return. so what though, so what, so what... though so what...so what... so, so what... though, so what, who gives a fuck, so what, so what the fuck? so what.