BAD_BOY_692001US

from the moment i saw the name
i knew my life would never be the same
with threpidation i moved the mouse
with quick flick of the wrist
a fast finger pop - - -cha-chink.....right click
my hert skips a beat as the information cover my screen
my eyes scan the words as the picture slowly opens
my heart stops completly
OH MY GOD!
i can't breath or move
with a quick breath i flip up the box
flyin fingers peck out
"HI HUN"..."WHAT'S UP?"
prayin the words
"FUCK OFF BITCH"
don't flash before me
the answer
"HI- - -NOT MUCH"
pops up instead
with a little more courage the conversations is on
the words
"WOW and HMM MY GOD!"
fliter through my mind over and over
the meeting made a time and place set
i hit the open road
destination.....HIM
scared as hell i make it there and  call......
the total dissbelieve in that voice on the other end
wraps cold fingers around my heart
the wait for him to find me is a killer
slowly finally he comes in to veiw
"OH GOD PLEASE LET HIM LIKE ME"
face to face our "HI's" said
he does the one thing
i least expected
wrapping me in his warm embrace
he kisses me
tenderly,passionatly,and yet so throughly
i know i have come home


BETRAYAL!

anger and disbelief
reside in spaces
trust and friendship
once held
fear fueled by suspicion
runs ramped through the mind
questions form such as:
can I trust you?
will you hurt me if I do?
come before greetings of:
"hi - how are you?"
or "hey how have you been?"
in one small act of
CRUELTY
innocents becomes indifference
trust becomes doubt
understanding and acceptance
becomes suspicion and denial
true friendships are lost forever


CRUELTIES of LOVE

once again you walk away
when all I want is for you to stay
heartache and I are old friends
it�s a marriage with no end!
when all others take their leave
I know he�s a constant in my heart
he�s a sickness that lives in me
something that will never let me free
he takes great delight in my pain 
he sows it like a seed of grain
he treats it like a child that needs protection
it feeds greedily on others lack of affection
this is a child I fear that will stay


HEARTACHE

The pain in my heart is great
I can�t describe it
Feelings of total emptiness
Complete hopelessness
Waiting for a glimpse of you 
Anxious to smell your sent
Straining for a whisper of your voice
An empty body
Aching to be whole again
Wanting to feel your love course through it
Driving emptiness away
Bringing light to darkness
Throwing out hopelessness
To be replaced with
Peace, love and joy
FOREVER


METAL'S LIFE

a huge stage,music equipment everywhere
trunks,boxes,and cases are stacked aainst the walls
cables like huge snakes cover the floor and platform
monster drums,keyboards,and guitars sit in racks waiting to be played
for someone to pick them up,turn them on or  pick up thier sticks
to manipulate them in such a way as to make a crowd go insane
the clock ticks
the band members each have their quirky way of prepairing to walk on stage
the house dim -flood lights flash
the roup takes their places and on cue rocks the house
the music soars,sweat pours, bodies move to the rhythm
the lead singer wails and screams, the rest join in
drumers -drum,bassers play and the roof blows off
but at last the music fads
the lights go out
cables are coiled and put away
boxes are loaded
the stage dissmanteled
the band has crashed
but the metal echos on.......


Mortuary Oath

lips that look so kissable
pout under dark eyes
that see right through me
and know what is in my soul
the strong jawline suggest a rebel type 
under those long brown locks 
handfulls of curls that 
begg me to touch and tease them
cascade over broad shoulder
and come to rest on that strong chest
under which lies a sweet heart
muscular arms to hold me tight
long powerful legs
make him tower over me
the total image of a powerful man
yet i know him to be so gental
talking to him is like
talking to a life long friend
someone you could have know in a past life
maybe even alover
could i even dare to hope so
i cherish the moment i met him.


My Best Friend

every where I look 
I see a reminder of him
from a stary night sky
to a long black haired stranger
dressed all in black and spikes
his music eheoes in the back of my mind
morbid things he found funny
now make me giggle uncontrolabally
takeing a hairlined curve
at top speed now makes my heart race 
where be fore it made me shiver with fear
the soft thump of a dead bunny under my wheel
makes me mentally chalk up
another road kill score
the urge to growl at people who stare
is getting harder to fight
sleeping through the night 
is now getting more impossible
thou the minuete the sun peeks through
the clouds i'm dead as a door nail
go figure...who would think
I'd act more like him once he's gone 
then I did when he was around?
how often best friends habits
rub off on you is hard to tell 
till you catch yourself doing them.
maybe that's why he's my best friend
instead of just another face in the crowd!


THE DANCE

picture in your mind's eye
a dimly lit room
flashing a kaleidoscope
of multicolored lights
vibrating to a beastly wild beat
tangles of sweaty fleash
attempt to gyrate erotically
with the loud music
lovers wrapped in eqach other's
embrace
share feelings not others can
fathom
with each twist and turn
the beat becomes wwilder
an all consumeing blaze of passion
entrances the couple
breeching the threashold
for a world from which
they never wish to leave
for them this moment lives on
forever in the dance


THE CURE

tip one bottle 
dump another
mixin the two 
in a monster glass
a quick stir or shake
the glass tips up
the contence drained
flowing straight to the hurt
an intence burn follows
by a more intence warmpth
a drunkin void replaces the anger
GOD BLESS THE CURE!


THE PATH OF TRUE LOVE

Sitting here pondering my life
Not sure which direction to go
Wanting so much to love him
Not wanting to get hurt again
Feeling he�s a stranger
But a stranger I�m connected to
Trying to find that elusive path
The one that will lead me to the man I love
Searching endlessly growing more anxious and frustrated
Knowing it�s there if only I look hard enough
Just when I think I have found it
It turns into a dead end full of pain
Asking all in creation for directions to a place
I know in my heart only I can find
Crying out in desperation I plunge headlong
Down another winding path
Following it�s twist and turns
Praying this will be the one
Only to crash into a solid wall of heart ache
I look to the heavens and utter a small prayer
In the hopes someone will hear it and answer
Just as I give into heartache and disappear
YOU APPEAR
You take my hands and guide me
Through turn and twist
With each step my heart feels your warmth
My feet are lighter my step has a renewed bounce
The dark cloud on my shadow is gone
This path feels like an old friend
I feel the end of my long desperate journey
Is close at hand
My heart�s deepest desires are now in reach
As we walk the final steps on this path of true love
I feel the emotions I have searched 
A life time for wash over me
Feelings of total peace and true love are mine now
For destiny has sent you to me
I thank the fates for the man
I love more then life it�s self
No one on earth or in heaven
Could ask for more


WHAT EVERY WOMAN CRAVES

in my minds eye i see hands
long fingers attatched to medium palms connected to slim but manly arms
well defined muscles ripple when moved
these armes seem to be created for a god
by a sculpter of exceptional talent
these arms were built with one purposs in mind
to hold a woman with the strength and tenderness
ALL woman crave
arms sprouting from strong gental shoulders
the kind all woman wish to nesttle their heads on
while restin their faces on a well muscled chest
in which beats a heart of old
the chest ives way to a leanflat stomache which is made of cast iron
from which all courage comes from
lusious tight hips lead the way to a firm squeezable buttox
which begs to be carressed
long strong legs materialize from there
these hands clad the rest in a pair of skin tight black jeans
which defines each lower bady part well
a tight fitted black shirt sportin a prowlin wild cat
is stretch over the well muscled, well define, 
back, chest shoulders and arms
sexy feet clad in black leather biker boots complete the look
ssleek cat like moves turn the body to reveal a face 
all woman adore
hauntin dark eyes caress you in a way you've never been touched before
full lusious very kissable lips reveal a devilsh grin
the tell tale clunk of a tounge ring is eveident 
as the body chuckles warmly shovein a loose dark wavy curl in to place
with an evil wink the body turns grabs it's black coat on way out 
in to the realm of unsuspecting females huntin and prowlin 
for it's perfect mate.


WOLF LOVE

The wolf�s lonely cry
Echoes through the darkness
He cries for his mate
Silently he moves through
The trees and under brush
Searching, calling, crying, out for her
On the farthest side of the forest
She lies and waits
Eager to hear her mate�s call
Anxious to be with him
But knowing she must wait
For him to find her
And her precious secret
Days later he is successful
One last lonely cry
Is heard in the darkness
Only this time it�s answered
Their reunion is joyful
Filling the night air with happy sounds
She reveals the gift that kept her from him
The gift she has fearlessly protected
The wolf is lonely no longer
He and his precious family
Greeting the world together
Their united cry is heard thought the night


the passion behind the words is amazeing
the feelings those word creat is exqusiete
what inspires the passion
from where do these words come from
and in which directions should the feelings be taken
only time will tell


what you ask could possilby
be my one worst fear
what could be used to hurt me
what would rip not only my heart
but also my sanity from me
what could drive me to
end my own misery
what indeed could accomplish all this
loosing you as my best friend


beyond the godsabouve
to be able to express the
amount of unratable pian
i feel at this moment
there are no words
the fear is beyond anything
the human mind can deal with
my heart bleedsuncontrolably
with gut wrenchingpain
my brain shuts down
it refuses to accept the knowledge
to loose you to death would be unbairable
but toloose you to life's crueilies
makes me wish to end my own life
at least death would release me
from the pain of loosing my best friend 


a shadowy figure moves through
the cloudy mist covered world
hair and gown move in such a way 
to convince the mind they are 
being carressed by unseen hands
blind eyes stare blanky 
as she wanders aimlessly
mind clear of all thougts
tiny slippered feet gingerly pick out a path
though the tangled under brush
destination not know
no path mapped out but she contiunes 
as if drawn to a mystieriously dark place
there is no purpose to this jounrny
or so it would seem tothe naked eye
noone knows she's left
does anyone notice her absence
will anyone care.....?
it is not likely as it is
her soul that is wondering
her body left behind, goes through 
the motions of liveing
no real effort is made
the heart and soul seek
what the body shall never discover.


how do i convince a man
that's been hurt as much as you have
that my words and actions are true?
promises i can make to you
will feel empty and dishonest
actions i will show you
could come off looking taudry and cheap
words are only empty
if they aren't ment when spokein
actions are only cheap
when used for personal gain
if you have faith in my love
your trust will grow
as well as our love
we shall dwell there together for all time


why do you cry my friend?
do you feel you have lost me already?
the pain in your heart
shows clearly on your face
do not be sad my love
for you will always be in my heart
a special place all your own
a place no one can take from you
a place where you will always be welcome.


your words say one thing
your reactions say another
you deny those feeling are there
but your curiosity betrays you
you say you're happy for me
but there is not true happiness in your voice
you say you're not
but the jealousy is there
it hangs, it waits,it sits
it rears it's ugly head
when you least expect it
and it makes a liar outta you.


if friendship is all you want
then why does your jealousy show
when i'm happy with someone
other then you?
are you goin to lie to me
and say it's only deep consern?
or can you be honest
and say you truely do love me?


how can i feel love and hate at the same time?
to feel so much love and adoration for one man
and such unadulterated hate for another
how can one mind and body deal with such
intence feeling with out breaking in half?


a soul bared and lost
wandering the universe
in search of someone
to fill the void that consumes it
centutires of failures
and fales starts the soul
making it tuff and tarnished
a very undesrieable bitter thing
an aperance of a savior could change
this hiddious creature into a thing
of glorifed beauty
like a flower in spring time
under close loveing gental care
the savior accomplishes the impossible
and once again whole and free the sould
flies free..... safe in the knowledge
the savior will never hurt or forget it!


if only you could see
the inner tourmoil
my feeling for you have
caused in me
the great desire to see you happy
wishing all the while
it could be with me
that you find this happiness
but knowing it will never be
trying to deal with that knowledge
will be my undoing
learning to let you go 
is a lesson i fight against
the lesson how ever is one
i know i must master
if i ever hope to salvage something 
greater with you
knowing if i don't manage to control my feelings
i might lose something more preicious to me then gold
your trust and friendship.


the battle between body and mind
a tuff war that always arises
the primmal urges are there
demanding attention
the sensible knowledge
blockes the pathway of the urges
the dual is a foot
each fights the good fight
each side gains ground only to loose it again
the seeminly worthless battle
continues till one wins
the victor then brands you a
prude or slut


the thought of wadeing
through all the scumbags
out there in search of 
MR. Right
makes you crindge
do you give into the lazy fears
and live alone forever
or do you yank courage from the closet
and arm yourself 
to deal with unwanted attentions
of the tons of looser out there that 
want only one thing from you
this is a question every single woman 
faces every day of her life as an
unattatched female in the human race


how to deal with the depressive thoughts
of never knowing when or if you'll be a part
of a loveing realtionship again
do you save yourself the trouble...?
and blow your brains out.........?
or take a hold of the hope........?
that there is truely someone out there for everyone


from the mind through 
the arm and hand
to the pen
and on to the paper
THAT is how these creations are brought about
once the process is started
can it be stopped.......
should it be stopped......
some say yes others say no
some see the talent
others see wasted time, paper and ink
what either do not realize
is the process in not to create
only a way to deal with 
the ramblings in my mind


how much is too much
how much is never enough
when do we realize our limits
how do we deal with them and 
the dissapointment and hurt they couse
is there ever really a right answer?


a single circle
perfectly round
no begining no end
flashes gold brightly
shiney rainbow prisms
bounce gaily everywhere
this symbol so simple in desighn
yet so complex in meaning
is the begining of a life time commitment


what do you give a man
that seems to have it aall?
no amount of money can buy it
there is no act of kindness large enough
there is the riddle
what can i give this man
mmy gift must be perfect
the gift must be personal
while showing the depth of my love
an answer is slowly reveiled
there is one thing he yet does not have
my eternal loveing soul!


the anger flows freely
frustration fuels it
the deeper the frustration
the hotter the anger burns
till becomes an all consumeing hand of distruction


males have come and gone in my life
fisrt there was my father
and thenmy brothers
the occasional date
and then the husband
andof cousre my three sons
the 3 most speical males of my life
after a time the husbad then became an ex
the followed a few more dates 
and of course a boy friend or two
before i thought i met mr right
who turned out to be mr soooo wrong
a few more dates
before a nice man came  along 
so far he is a good friend to me

a strong lesson to be learned here

even though males come and go
and are supposed to be so strong in mind and body

a woman's heart is always stronger
it has to be.


the urge to beat something to total oblivion...
is very strong..
the rage pulses through me like a wild fire...
consuming everything in its path...
nothing is safe...
handing people their heads on a silver platter...
becomes a commonplace thing....
the urge to apologize fades into the background of your mind.........
other peoples feeling seem to become nonexistent and unimportant...
driving desires to crush anyone and any thing 
in you way seems to be your main goal..
you don't even realize the destruction in your wake... 
till the rage fades and you're left with 
the tattered remains of your former friendships....


do you think I don't understand your fears...
the way your heart freezes at even the slightest hint of feelings.........
knowing you want to love again....
but also knowing the unbearable pain love once caused you.........
never wanting to experience that kind of pain again...
you close yourself off to everything around you...
to everyone one around you in the hopes..... 
of letting your heart and soul have time to heal and be new again...
during that time you take baby steps trying out your new found freedom....
sort of stumbling along the way loosing your confidence...
take hope in the knowledge you are ready... 
other wise your interests wouldn't be peaked...
don't let past pain rob you of future happiness..
I know it's tuff...
trust me I've done it before myself that's how I know....


dark eyes haunt my sleep
Deep-throated laughter rings in my ears
low whispers chill my soul
as the faintest memory of his hands on my body
draws me in to a dream 
from which there is no possible escape
reliving these stolen moments with him in my mind 
is what just possibly might keep me 
from going insane when he's not around
for certainly the heart ache is such that
with out him I do not choose to go on living.


how to tell you all the feeling I have pent up inside me 
with out scaring you away from me
how to tell you I love you
because of who you are and how you are
to let you know you are the only man 
who really has shown me your true feelings with out playing games with me
how to tell you I'm as scared as you are of the feeling 
of the possibilities of what is happening between us 
how ever fast or slow it goes
how to tell you I can feel there is a future for us 
with out you thinking I'm completely off my rocker
what to say to make you understand the depths I'd go to make you happy
I can only know it's never going to be enough 
I'll never be able to let you know fully how I feel


I'd like to ask you my love
if you've ever pondered the
amount of humiliation you
bless me with as you openly
flaunt that other woman
in front of your family and friends
while at the same time hiding
me behind lies and deceptions
do you think I won't notice
or do I truly strike you as
that stupid or naive
do you think my love for you
blinds me that fully
do you not think I question
what you do when I'm not around
do you think my rode colored world
makes me that oblivious
I guess I must apologize to you
for I am not that dense
suspicion is my ally my protector
it will catch you every time
and label you the liar and cheat you are

on a cold moon lit night
night animals scurry about then the silence is broken
by the sound of sorrowful tunes
the source can be traced 
to a tiny older style motor home
a long power cord snakes
down the passenger side to wrap
around the hood and windshield wipers
to reach out to the power outlet 
on the garage the motor home is nestled next to
light glow dimly from inside
they flicker slightly as the electric heater 
saps some extra power to heat the interior of
the small but cosey living quarters keeping
the lone occupant from freezing to death 
in the evening bitterness
buried in the midst of a small bed covered 
in a massive pile of soft warm blankets
a large pillow fold in half serves as a make shift desktop
on top of the desk is a rather large notebook
the woman hunched over the notebook scribbles
furiously and vague look on her face
the song changes making the woman pause
a thoughtful look replaces the vague one
and slowly large tears begin to slip down her cheeks
only to splatter the pages below
her eyes move to a single photo 
taped to the head of the small bed
the pain and longing can be read extremely easy 
in her wet blood shot eyes from the window
the song changes again and her head 
dips back down to the pages
as she returns to scribbling again
the tears brushed away but never forgotten


he smoke curls 
twisting this way and that
resembling a dancer
twisting to the beat of a song
the base is dark, thick, and wide
as it reaches for the free air
it spreads out in all directions
it lightens and is not quit a dark
the wider sections sprout tiny wispy fingers
the thicker parts fade into the breeze and drift away
the erotic ness of its dance
consumes the mind and makes it
drift... into the distance
taking all conscience thought with it


how do you know you've
hit rock bottom in your life
is it when things you used to treasure
no longer matter anymore
is it when you stop going to your favorite places
because they hold no interest for you
or is it when you loose your desire for food 
and seeing it makes you sick
could it be when you stop caring about your appearance
and you star to resemble a disgusting skeleton
could it possibly be when you loose
everyone you care about or 
who used to care about you
or can it finally be the bullet you consider putting 
between your eyes

if you figure it out can you tell me so we both know
before it's too late


suspicion and doubt are a 
double edged sword
that cuts you so deeply
you learn to question
everyone and everything in your life
to the point you loose it all
and then all you're left with is loneliness


why does loving you
scare the hell outta me
why does it make me so crazy
how can it make me doubt everything one minuet
and have complete faith in everything the next
how can it make me hurt so badly one time
and make me fell like everything is fine
and I can take one the world another.
is love really worth all it puts you through
I don't know yet I guess some day 
I'll figure it all out


if love is so painful
then why do we fall
head first in to it so hard
isn't it something 
we should try to avoid
if it can hurt us so deeply
why do we wish for it with all our might
shouldn't we know better
it always cuts so deeply
leaving a scar that never heals
yet we complain when we can't find it
it makes fools of us
leaving us open and bare
yet we never stop searching for it
can we ever break this self-destructive
cycle and learn to live with out it
it would seem not


you dislike my lack of faith
you tell me I need to learn to trust
trust what.... you....
trust is earned not given
faith in people must be proven to me
as of yet nothing has been proven or earned
so pardon me for being me
for having faith and trusting the only person
I know I can... me
prove me wrong and you might get what you want


my love and trust
is something you earn
not something I give freely
maybe someday
when you've figured that out
I'll finally give it to you.


ripping my heart from my chest
and locking it away
so it cannot be broken again
is an urge I feel all to often
a wish I carry with me always