The old board has been archived; e-mail me if you need it.

By KAM on Tuesday, August 14, 2001 - 03:30 am:

Picard (in a pit): Throw me a line!
Data: Who was that lady I saw you with last night? That was no lady that was my Worf.

Anyone on spaceship: Man overboard!

Borg Queen: I'm not bad. I'm just written that way.

By Will on Tuesday, August 14, 2001 - 11:16 am:

Picard; "Lieutenant, steer us clear of the asteroid field."
Lt.Butthead; "You said 'ass'! Heh-heh! Heh-heh! Heh-heh!

By Will on Wednesday, August 15, 2001 - 11:10 am:

Worf; "I picked some pretty flowers for you, Captain."

Chakotay; "Ooooh, man, what a party! I think I drank too much.. Where am I? When did I get home?" (Looks in the mirror) "AAAUUGGH!!! WHO DREW ON MY FACE???"

Neelix to fortune teller; "So let me get this straight; I'm going to hitch a ride on a ship of humans, as the only one of my kind, my girlfriend is going to transmute into a super-powered alien, leaving me alone on that ship, and then I'm going to leave to live on an asteroid, and not even get to Earth? Hmmm. Sign me up!!!!"

Odo; "Hey, Quark, I've got a great scheme for you to take part in..."

Morn; "These preztels are making me thirsty."

Mrs.Morn; "Morn, will you just shut up once and for all?!"

Jake Sisko; "This is my new novel, dad."
Ben Sisko; "'The Catcher In The Rye'? Son, this was written by an Earth man a long time ago!"
Jake Sisko; "Which does not alter the fact that I wrote it again yesterday!"

By Meg on Wednesday, August 15, 2001 - 09:19 pm:

The Borg: We look For things that make us go.

Data: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sarek: Stop me if you heard this one. An Andorian, a Klingon, and blonde terran walk into a bar together....

I've thought of some Darmokisms. I hope that they are good.

Spock in Mirror Mirror---Fake Beard
Geordi his arms open---Loneliness
Worf Season 1---Bad Hair Day
Data with a smile---Lore
Wesley on the Bridge---priveledged brat

By KAM on Thursday, August 16, 2001 - 06:22 am:

Spock: I have a cunning plan...
Kirk: As cunning as a fox, who graduated top of his class at Cunning College, and then was appointed Dean?
Spock: (long pause) Yes...

Nog: I play Center on the Academy Basketball team.

(Worf throws his bat'leth. It chops off the heads of approaching Jem'hadar soldiers, then returns & he catches it)
Worf: Bat'leths can also be used as boomerangs.

Bynar: Lousy spam!

By Will on Thursday, August 16, 2001 - 11:19 am:

Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scott, and Sulu; "SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM!"

Wesley at the Academy; "I saved the Enterprise about a half dozen times singlehandedly!"
Everyone he tells it to; "Yea. Right."

Wesley; "Mom, I've got a problem. I've kinda super-glued myself to, uh, myself."

Janeway; "Ahead warp one; engage."
Picard; "Copy-cat!"

Spock; "Computer, one large meatball sub with extra pepperoni and cheese, please."

Janeway to Kes; "You ARE the weakest link! Good-bye."

Kirk's crew, Picard's crew, Sisko's crew, and Janeway's crew watch every episode of Fear Factor, and respond with;
"Yea? So what? Amatuers!"

Admiral Paris speaking to Voyager, still some 40,000 light years away; "Oh, and Tom? Could you pick up a loaf of bread and a quart of milk? Thanks, son."

Spock; "Who's your dady?!"

Chakotay sneaks up to a sleeping Picard; "Write on my face when I'm drunk, will ya? Well, let's see how funny my artwork will be on top of your bald head!!! MAHAHAHAHAHA!"

By The return of Sven of Nine on Thursday, August 16, 2001 - 12:55 pm:

Seven: "Well, there was this one about these three nuns, and..."

By NarkS on Thursday, August 16, 2001 - 01:52 pm:

Quark: Come to Quark's, Quark's is fun! Come to Quark's, don't walk, run!

... oh wait, he did say that. My bad.

By NarkS on Thursday, August 16, 2001 - 01:54 pm:

Borg: We are Borg. Prepare to be assi....amiss... asssissim... amimiss... assimiss... assimsim... ... prepare to die.

By KAM on Friday, August 17, 2001 - 02:33 am:

Paris: Ever since he & Kes broke up, Neelix's apple pie's have tasted funny.

Borg: We assimilated a race from Nantucket...

Worf: Today is a good day to watch Oprah!

Ezri: Next person to call me a chipmonk dies.

Jake: This is my new novel, dad.
Sisko: Interesting title, 'Babylon 5'.

By Will on Friday, August 17, 2001 - 07:47 am:

Captain Jon Archer; "That's the little brat that put graffiti all over my shuttle, put a flat tire in the landing gear, stole my computer, and drank all my Saurian brandy, officer!"
Vulcan Cop; "And what do you have to say for yourself, young Sarek?"

Spock; "Yo!"

Quark; "I have the greatest power over Odo, now, Rom! I can blackmail him from here to the Delta Quadrant, now that I know his full name!"
Rom; "And what's that, brother?"
Quark; "Odo Doo-Doo D'OH!"

By NarkS on Friday, August 17, 2001 - 10:18 am:

Borg Queen: Which do you think sounds better: "You will be assimilated" or "prepare for assimilation"?

Neelix: Mister Vulcan, care to try out a new holodeck program?
Tuvok: Yeah! Can we put some Vulcan princesses in it?

On an Earth-moon shuttle:
Passenger: Aaaaaagh!!!
Other passenger: Oh God! He's dying! Please help him! Help him!
Pilot: I'm a moon shuttle conductor, not a doctor!

Spock: Is there anyone of Russian origin on board?

Picard: That's it! I'm going disco!

Kira: I see you're a man who is now in a position of great authority on Bajor. I have no wish to sleep with you.

Sisko: How do you think I'd look with a wig?

By Will on Friday, August 17, 2001 - 11:02 am:

Data; "Captain the planet appears to be coming out of allignment; breaking free of the sun."
Picard; "This looks like a job for Superman!"

Gilligan; "SKIPPERRRR!"
Picard; "Not now, Gilligan!"

Janeway; "Mr.Tuvok, are you sticking your tongue out at me?"
Tuvok; "It is an ancient Vulcan custom, Captain. Just ignore it."
Janeway; "Oh. Okay."
Tuvok; "Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!"
Janeway; "HEY!"
Tuvok; "Just ignore it, Captain Farthead."
Janeway; "Okay...HEY!"

Shaggy; "Zoinks! I-I-I'm not going in there!"
Sisko; "QUick! Get out the Scooby-Snacks so Scooby-Doo can lead the way!"

By Sophie Hawksworth on Friday, August 17, 2001 - 02:59 pm:

ROLF, Nice one Meg! The Borg: We look For things that make us go.

Borg Queen: Does my bum look big in this?

Borg Queen and Janeway fight over Seven: HANDS OFF, SHE'S MINE!!!

Picard: You're all individuals. Think for yourselves.
The Borg: YYEESS, WWEE AARREE AALLLL IINNDDIIVVIIDDUUAALLSS. WWEE WWIILLLL TTHHIINNKK FFOORR OOUURRSSEELLVVEESS!

Data: I am programmed in multiple techniques:
- Quick fumble in the closet,
- Turning over and going to sleep after 2 minutes 53 seconds
- Coming home drunk singing something indecipherable, tripping over the cat while undressing and spending the night unconscious on the bedroom floor.

By The Chronicler on Saturday, August 18, 2001 - 12:44 am:

NarkS, shouldn't it be Sisko who goes disco?

By Sven again on Saturday, August 18, 2001 - 03:54 am:

Dukat: "Ancient spirits of evil, transform this decayed form, to DU-KAAAT the Eveeeeerrrrr Liviiiiinnnnngggg!!!!!!!!"

By The Maquis Lawyer on Saturday, August 18, 2001 - 11:53 am:

Kirk: 224,947:1? I don't like those odds, Spock. This plan is just too risky.
Kirk: No, this planet looks too dangerous. We better not let the entire senior staff beam down.
Kirk: You better get off my ship quick, Lieutenant. I require my officers to be clean shaven!

Scotty: Captain, I lost a finger in an engineering accident.

Romulan Captain: Give it up Kirk! We know you're bluffing. There's no such thing as corbomite.


Computer (any series): Where do you want to go today?
Computer: Warning: This program has conducted an illegal operation and will be shut down.

Picard: You know, sometimes I miss being Locutus.
Picard: I never actually studied archeology. I just say I do because it impresses the babes.

Riker: I've been on this ship too long. It's time that I move on to my own command.

Enterprise-D crewman: Counselor Troi, I'd really like to talk to you about a personal problem, but your revealing outfit makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Sisko: Starfleet Command knows what they're doing. Let's just follow their orders on this one.

Starfleet Command: Commander Sisko, we are relieving you of duty due to your constant violations of our direct orders.

Jadzia: The Klingon restaurant on the promenade went out of business. It turns out no one likes Klingon food except Klingons.

Bashir: Now that I've lulled everyone into a false sense of security, I plan to use my genetically enhanced abilities to take over the Federation.

O'Brien: It seems like I do everything on this bloody station.

Janeway: No Chakotay, we don't have time to let you and Seven attend every astrometrics conference in the Quadrant. We're trying to get home!

Chakotay: I only joined the Maquis so I would have a chance to kill people.


Tom Paris: I just realized that we are out here in the Delta Quadrant seeing things that no human has ever seen before. Why are we wasting all
this time with manufactured fantasies on the holodeck?
Tom Paris: This Fairhaven program I wrote is really $tupid. I'll just delete the whole thing.

Tuvok: We have no photon torpedoes (shuttlecraft) left.

Holodoc: Are my program enhancements taking up too much space on the computer?

Harry Kim: Neelix, do you have any more of that leola root stew? It was delicious!
Neelix: Sorry, I'm all out. But I made a nice kaylo pie for you.

Collective: What do you want to do tonight, my queen?
Borg Queen: The same thing we do every night. ... Try to take over Voyager!

By Duke of Earl Grey on Saturday, August 18, 2001 - 03:38 pm:

Who Watches the Watchers? Act V, Scene i
Nuria: Picard, you could not save her?
Picard: No.
Nuria: You do have limits. You are not masters of life and death.
Picard: No we're not.
Nuria: You are a remarkable people, but you are not superior beings. My people must be made to understand that.
[Nuria exits]
Picard: She's gone. Good show, everybody! Dr. Crusher, bring that woman back to life!

By Adam Bomb on Sunday, August 19, 2001 - 06:59 pm:

Kirk to Kruge, in Trek III, while kicking him off the cliff:
"You are the Weakest Link. GOODBYE.!!!"

By Anne Robinson on Monday, August 20, 2001 - 02:42 am:

(chortle!)

By KAM on Tuesday, August 21, 2001 - 02:25 am:

Kruge (falling off cliff): There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.
Louis: Jim! Fix that cab!
Kruge/Reverend Jim: Oh, right boss. Wow. That trip was worse then when I thought I was fighting the Lone Ranger.

By Teral on Tuesday, August 21, 2001 - 09:05 pm:

Narrator: So captain Picard, you just defeated the Borg and made the universe safe for humanity, What are you going to do next?
Pcard: I'm going to Disneyland!

Wesley: MOM, have you seen my Clerasil.

Kim at DS9: Oh no I forgot to call my girlfreind.
Paris: So what. It's not like you're going away for the rest of your life. Call her when we get back.

Chakotay: My people has an old fable about this.....no wait..it's the Andorians...no wait again...the Tellarites?..no... the Vulcans? Shoot. Okay, I'm just making these stories up.

Geordi: If the anti-matter containment field collapses the ship would be destroyed.
Troi: Well, duh!

Beverely/Bashir/Holodoc: If we reconfigure his mutated DNA and run if through the pattern-buffer of the transporter, were it will ineract with the stored pattern from his recent transport, his original DNA profile should be able to take over and restore his body.
Data/Jadzia/Tuvok: I'm sorry doctor. But DNA isn't magic. What you propose is highly illogic and therefore it won't work.

Darmokisms, I think I've understood the concept so lets try:

Harry Kim in Quarks Bar: easy picking
Wesley Crusher at Starfleet Academy: back to reality
Chakotay and Janeway on Voyager: emotional tensions that leads to nothing
Klingon with Tribble: a bad idea
Containmentfild failing, Troi in command: a even worse idea
Grilka and Quark on Q'onos, Grilka and Quark on DS9: opposite do eventual attract
Riker and Troi in bathtub: adults behaving like lovestruck teenagers

By Meg on Wednesday, August 22, 2001 - 09:03 am:

Those are good Darmokisms Teral

By Teral on Wednesday, August 22, 2001 - 10:04 pm:

Thanks Meg.

Lt.Cmdr. Data: An unchanging situation
Garak smiling: be VERY careful things could get ugly

By KAM on Sunday, August 26, 2001 - 05:37 am:

Kirk: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Please respond.
Alien: Kirk? What happened to Archer? Wait a minute! That ship doesn't look like the Enterprise! What are you trying to pull?

Archer: What are you trying to pull, T'Pol?

T'Pol: Captain, why do sometimes talk to a nonexistant person called Al?

Phlox: I just found out my name sounds like a rude word on Earth.
Tucker: Tell me about it.

Alien: So Captain Arker...
Archer: That's Archer.
Alien: Captain Artsher...
Archer: No, it's Archer.
Alien: Captain Archsur...
Archer: Archer.
Alien: Captain Bowman.

T'Pol: Captain sensors detect ships around Uranus. (pause) It's Klingons. (pause) Why are you laughing, captain?

Phlox: Captain, I figured out what killed this human.
Archer: What?
Phlox: The autopsy.

Hashi Sota (sp?):I shall try to communicate with the alien.
Alien: Kdji ypouu eenmsi ufmsu?
Sota: Gosii weeehnku asooun hgasko?
Alien: Qwppdu.
Archer: What did it say?
Sota: I don't know. I'm just speaking gibberish.

By Will on Monday, August 27, 2001 - 11:36 am:

"We-are-the-Daleks! You-wil-be-ex-term-nated!"
"We are the Borg. Extermination is irrelevant. You will be assimilated."

Yar; "Data, are you fully functional in bed?"
Data; "I am programmed in multiple techniques, courtesy of James Kirk's 10-volume book series."

Chekov; "Betamax vas inwented in Russia!"

Sisko; "So you can turn into anything, no matter how big?"
Odo; "Virtually, yes."
Sisko; "Can you turn into Oprah Winfrey's ego?"
Odo; "Not THAT big!"
Sisko; "Howabout Oprah, herself?"
Odo; "Still too huge!"

O'Brien; "Quark, that was the worst Jell-O I've ever eaten!"
Odo; "Has anybody seen my brother Obo around?"

Chekov; "Gold-pressed latinum vas inwented in Russia!"

Flint; "I...am Brahms."
Spock; "And DaVinci?"
Flint; "Yes."
Spock; "How many other names shall we call you?"
Flint; "Solomon, Alexander, Lazarus, Methuselah, Eddie Murphy, Dick Clark, Mike Brady. A hundred other names you do not know."

Spock; "My tricorder readings of Mr.Flint indicate extreme age; on the order of 6000 years."
Kirk; "Wow, that's older than Barbara Bush!"

Chekov; "Vodka was inwented in Russia!"
Scotty; "Obviously."
Chekov; "Oh, yea."

By Guess who? on Tuesday, August 28, 2001 - 03:42 am:

Flint: "I...am Brahms."
Spock: "And DaVinci?"
Flint: "Yes."
Spock: "How many other names shall we call you?"
Flint: KAM, Mr. Obvious, Mr. Absurd, Hamburger Pattie, Old DC Fan...

By Duke of Earl Grey on Wednesday, August 29, 2001 - 06:33 am:

His Way Act IV Scene ii
Kira: Complicated, to leave a holosuite? You make it sound like I'm a hologram.
Odo: Aren't you?
Kira: Is that what you think?
Odo: Maybe you'd better tell her.
Vic: There's nothing to tell. I'm good, pally, but I'm not that good. You've been dancing with the real McCoy.
[Odo gasps]
Odo: Dr. McCoy?!

By KAM on Thursday, August 30, 2001 - 03:19 am:

Admiral Satie: Which of you is Spartacus?

Chekov: Actually that was made in Japan.

Bele: I've been chasing Lokai for 50,000 years. I would have caught him 300 years ago, but Batman thought I was The Riddler and attacked me.

By Will on Thursday, August 30, 2001 - 11:12 am:

Bele; "Riddle me this, Lokai-- oops. Sorry. That's someone else."

Losira; "I am Losira, commander of this station."
Kirk; "Station? What station?"
Losira; "The Time Tunnel complex."

Troi turns to Picard; "Captain, I sense you're hungry."
Picard; "Really?"
Troi; "Yes. I sense a great desire within you for melons."

Wesley; "Marry me!"
Deanna; "Oh, Wesley....YES! Yes, a million times, yes! I love you so very much!"

By KAM on Monday, September 03, 2001 - 05:47 am:

Commodore Mendez (to a captured alien crook): We don't want you to spy for us. We want you to steal.

Number One: These are my sisters, Number Two, Number Three, Number Four...

Number One: That's my cousin, Christine Chapel.

Number One: I've married a man from Betazed.

By Will on Tuesday, September 04, 2001 - 11:09 am:

Lokai, showing his black face, stumbles out of the hangar deck, falls to the ground exposing his white face.
Kirk; "Hey, Spock, look! It's Michael Jackson!"

Lokai; "I will not return to Sharon! She cheated on me!"

Lokai points at Bele; "I warned you of his treachery! Kill him!"
Worf; "With pleasure!"

Flint; "...and I was Julius Ceasar, and Abraham Lincoln, and Ghandi, and King Tut, and Wild Bill Hickcock, and Sitting Bull, and..."
Kirk whispers to Spock; "Ever notice how people that claim to have had previous lives are ALWAYS somebody famous?"
Flint; "...and Winston Churchill, and Galileo, and Moses, and..."

By John A, lang on Tuesday, September 04, 2001 - 04:40 pm:

Flint..."Actually, I was Shirley McLaine" (SP?)

By John A. Lang on Saturday, September 15, 2001 - 06:02 pm:

McCoy dons the Teacher on Sigma Draconius VI....

McCoy: "Wait, Jim...I'm getting something..."
Teacher: "Wak Wah Wak Wak Wah"
McCoy: "Yes, Ma'am?"
Teacher: "Wah Wah Wak Wah Wak"
McCoy: "Jim, It's the Teacher from those old "Peanuts" cartoons!"
Kirk: "Good grief!"

By Reposted Jokes on Sunday, September 16, 2001 - 04:12 am:

These jokes were originally on the, now deleted, Star Trek: Bowling board from the Voyager Sink.

By BrianB on Tuesday, November 2, 1999 - 04:50 pm:

Keith: I know the old show had a bowling alley. We've yet to see any crew of any series play the sport. I don't think it ever got a passing mention since "The Naked Time".
It would be a nice thing to see whether they make the alleys futuristic or, perhaps by Paris' insistance, old fashioned.
Another aside; it would be nice to see ten pins rematerialize after each frame thus doing away with a pin boy or automatic pinsetter.

By KAM on Tuesday, November 2, 1999 - 06:22 am:
I would like to see Worf bowl.
I bet he bowls overhand.
Probably with moving pins, as well.

By margie on Tuesday, November 2, 1999 - 08:45 am:
Do you think they still wear those dorky bowling shoes?

By KAM on Tuesday, November 2, 1999 - 09:41 am:
That would have been a nice scene. Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher forced to spray the bowling shoes after they've been turned in.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
By KAM on Wednesday, November 3, 1999 - 11:10 am:

Welcome to another episode of Bowling For Latinum.

There's Mr. Spock trying to mind meld with the ball.

Ooops. Geordi better adjust his VISOR as he tried to stick his fingers in Picard's head and throw it down the ally.

There is a bit of a controversy as Data refuses to bowl because he believes the pins are alive and shouldn't be subjected to this unless they want to.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
By cableface on Friday, November 5, 1999 - 05:43 pm:

What's this? There's some commtion down there. Yes.....yes, I believe Worf is refusing to suggest the pins to such a dishonourable death. Well, who'd a thunk it?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
By KAM on Saturday, November 6, 1999 - 12:43 pm:

Suddenly the pinsetters descended toward the pins and said, "We are the Borg. Your technological and biological distinctivenes shall be added to our collective."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
By KAM on Tuesday, November 16, 1999 - 04:20 am:

Announcer: It looks like Commissioner Sloane is trying to get Dr. Bashir to join his team.

Chekov: Bowling is a great game. It vas inwented in Russia.

Riley: Hey, everybody! Let's dance!

McCoy: I'm a Doctor, not a bowler!

Pakled: Our ball is broken. Make it go.

Announcer: The First Federation will never score if Balok just keeps sitting there like a dummy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
By KAM on Tuesday, November 16, 1999 - 12:57 pm:

Orion Slave Trader: Oh, I thought this was Bolian for Latinum.

Chekov: I'm sorry Mr. Dax, but you can only bowl in the shoes provided.
(Spock points down at Dax's unhuman feet)

Iotian: In Fizzbin Bowling it only counts as a strike if it's dark on Tuesday.

Harry Kim: I'm sorry, Captain, but the pins put up their shields at the last moment and deflected your ball into the gutter.

Spock: Captain, there appears to be Ceti Alpha ear slugs in your bowling ball holes.
Kirk: Khaaaaaaaaaaan!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
By KAM on Wednesday, November 17, 1999 - 02:29 am:

J. Giles Band: That's not a bowling ball! That's my Tribble!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Also the J. Giles Band on Wednesday, November 17, 1999 - 11:01 am:

Oh, I thought you used a Freeze Frame in the 10th.

By KAM on Sunday, September 16, 2001 - 04:13 am:

Gul Madred: How many pins are left, Picard?
Picard: THERE ARE FOUR PINS!!!

By Will on Monday, September 17, 2001 - 11:17 am:

Scotty; "I have a confession to make, Captain; I'm not Scotish..I'm Canadian!"
Kirk; "Don't tell anybody, but...so am I"

Picard; "Thank God I'm a country boy! YEE-HAAAW!"

Worf; "There's nothing more that I like than a good ol' fashioned square dance!"

Odo: "This is my brother, Ohoh."
Sisko; "Why was he called that?"
Odo; "Because everytime he entered a room people would point and say, "Ohoh, here comes trouble."

By KAM on Tuesday, September 18, 2001 - 05:04 am:

McCoy: He's mostly dead, Jim!

Odo: Where did you find that Changeling?
Jake: It's Silly Putty.

McCoy: He's dead, Jim!
Patient: No I'm not!
McCoy: Yes you are.
Patient: No I'm not.
McCoy: Well, you will be soon.

Spock: 433r +h3 (u+3 0|\|3s

By Sven of Nine on Tuesday, September 18, 2001 - 12:39 pm:

Flint: I was Brahms, Alexander the Great and Leonardo daVinci, you know.
Kirk: Brahms and Liszt, more like...

Picard: There's trouble down t'Neutral zone by 'eck, lads.

Picard: All hands, this is the Captain. Everybody on the Enterprise D make some noiiiiiiise!!!!!!

Odo: [draped in dirty overcoat] There's just ONE more thing that bothers me - can I ask you one last question?

Picard: Two interstellar wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah...

Janeway: Alien vessel, this is Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Have you got change for a fiver?

Bashir: D'OH!

By Sven again on Tuesday, September 18, 2001 - 12:42 pm:

Worf: That two-pronged bat'leth with leather grip is just soooooooo 2360s. Get with it, girl!

By Will on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 11:07 am:

Original scene from 'The Gamesters Of Triskelion';

Kirk; "I didn't realize I was so hungry. Whatever you call this it's very good."
Shana; "It is a Big Mac. We call it that."
Kirk; "Hmm. Seems appropriate. What do you call this?"
Shana; "Struedel."

Wesley; "Mom, I don't want to join Starfleet."
Beverly; "What do you want to do instead?"
Wesley; "Interplanetary telemarketer! I'll even earn $6 an hour after my first 2 years!"

By KAM on Thursday, October 04, 2001 - 04:01 am:

Porthos: All right, everybody. Now I'm taking over the ship!

By KAM on Monday, October 08, 2001 - 04:57 am:

Rojan: We're here on the Enterprise where we have replaced Captain Kirk's crew with Folger's dodecahedrons. Let's see if he notices.

Spock (to visiting alien): Whatever you do don't mention Archer's Enterprise.

T'Pol: Hoshi, you are a cunning linguist. (Looks around the Bridge) Why is everyone snickering?

Alien: Could you repeat that in English?

Reed: I finally built a working Universal Translator.
Archer: Great news! You're fired Hoshi.

Anyone: Hey, look. Hitch-hikers.

Announcer: Sluggo, strange visitor from another planet. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive...

By Anonymous on Monday, October 08, 2001 - 01:24 pm:

Archer: Oh boy.

By KAM on Tuesday, October 09, 2001 - 02:44 am:

Hoshi: Aaaaaaaah!!! Tentacle monster!!! Kill it!!! Kill it!!!

Bashir: Why yes, one of my ancestors was named Reed. Why do you ask?

Sisko: Good news everyone. Starfleet will build a Federation station near the wormhole so we can finally get off this Cardassian hunk of junk.

Wayoun: Odo, I don't want to worship you. Will you just go away?

Thot Gor: The attack on Earth went well. We destroyed San Francisco.
Female Changling: Looks like it's still standing to me.
Thot Gor: Would you believe we wiped out Starfleet Headquarters?
Female Changling: It doesn't appear to have suffered any damage.
Thot Gor: Would you believe we dented a shuttlecraft & scratched the paint job of a starship?

By John A. Lang on Tuesday, October 09, 2001 - 09:06 pm:

Kirk, Spock & McCoy...dressed in tuxedos, top hats and carrying Broadway canes...singing and dancing in unison....

"Oh, we're the boys of chorus, we hope you like our show...
We know you're rooting for us, but now we have to go!!"

By ScottN on Tuesday, October 09, 2001 - 10:35 pm:

Spock (sans brain)... in a tuxedo:

"Ootin' on 'a 'itz!"

By KAM on Wednesday, October 10, 2001 - 03:09 am:

Red Dwarf reference
Kirk (lead), Spock & McCoy (backup) singing Tongue-tied. ;-)

(T'Pol & Trip rubbing each other with decontaminent gel, when Hoshi bursts into the room)
Hoshi: Hands off! He's mine!

Phlox (to a young Dr. McCoy): Sure, you may be a real doctor with a real medical degree, but I've lost more patients than you've ever treated!

Trip: Piloting shuttles reminds me of when I used to drive in the demolition derby.

Archer: Fire torpedoes.
Reed (to torpedoes): All right you heard the captain. You're all fired.

Zephram Cochrane: I think I'll raise genetically-engineered pigs on Tellar.

By JOhn A. Lang on Wednesday, October 10, 2001 - 06:22 am:

Phlox (to a young Dr. McCoy)....
"Remember, boy....you're a doctor...not anything else."

By Will on Wednesday, October 10, 2001 - 11:19 am:

Cochrane to Mrs.Cochrane; "How's this speech, honey? "We'll explore weirdo planets and their kooky civilizations. We'll seek out new bars and be the life of the party. We'll go bodily where no dude has gone before". Huhhuhhuh? Pretty good, huh?"
Mrs.Cochrane; "My mother told me to never marry you!"

Kirk; "I've been to Argelius."
Archer; "Where's that?"
Kirk; "I've been to Tantalus."
Archer; "Where's that?"
Kirk; "I've been to Scalos and Eminiar VII"
Archer; "Where's that?"
Kirk; "And I've been to Deneva, Gamma Trianguli VI, Triskelion, Gamma Hydra IV, Elba II, Ekos, and Beta II."
Archer; "Where's that? I've never been to those places."
Kirk; "Where the heck HAVE you been?"
Archer; "St.Louis."
Kirk; "Wow. Now I'm jealous."

Spock; "You are being illogical, Doctor."
Phlox; "Optimistic, Commander, optimistic!"

Sulu; "Great-great grandmother Hoshi! How nice to see you again!"

Hoshi; "Hailing frequencies open, Captain."
Archer; "Hailing what?"

Archer; "Reveal yourself, mister! I want to know who's been helping the Suliban from the future!"
The image clears and is revealed to be..."Hiraku Sulu! I should have guessed!"

or

The image clears and is revealed to be...Dick Clark!
Archer; "Aren't you dead yet?!"
Dick Clark; "Don't you recognize an Olympian god, Archer? I'm not Dick Clark...I am Apollo!"

By ScottN on Wednesday, October 10, 2001 - 11:54 am:

Archer; "Reveal yourself, mister! I want to know who's been helping the Suliban from the future!"
The image clears and is revealed to be..."Hiraku Sulu! I should have guessed!"

Wouldn't they be the "Suluban" instead?

By ScottN on Wednesday, October 10, 2001 - 11:55 am:

FutureGuy is revealed and he turns out to be...
Enterprise Crew: Admiral Forrest!
Admiral Forrest: I'd have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling Enterprise Crew!

By Teral on Wednesday, October 10, 2001 - 05:25 pm:

Picard: By the way Number 1, Starfleet once more offers you a promotion to captain and your own ship.
Riker: YES!!! Yes,yes,yes,yes. whoooopeeeeee!! Solong suckers, I'm so outta here.

Seven: When I was a member of the Collective.....
Chakotay/Kim/Paris/etc.: [sigh] Again with the Collective. [rolls eyes]

By KAM on Thursday, October 11, 2001 - 05:08 am:

(FutureGuy is revealed and he turns out to be...)
Everyone: Brannon Braga!?!
Brannon: Yes. I finally got sick & tired of all those nitpickers using continuity against me, so I decided to alter time to make it match my stories.

Cochrane (to Tellarite): That'll do, pig.

Jadzia: Swirly thing alert!

Jadzia: (going around the station spraying things) This is mine! And this is mine! But not this. I don't want that.

Jadzia: (singing) I'm gonna eat you little chickee...

Terry Farrel played the Cat in an American pilot for Red Dwarf.

Sisko: Smeg off, Dukat.

By Sven on Thursday, October 11, 2001 - 09:41 am:

Data: Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to set course for Rigel VI...

Seven: Doesn't anyone want to hear my one about these three nuns?

By ScottN on Thursday, October 11, 2001 - 10:26 am:

Cochrane (to Tellarite): That'll do, pig.

You win, KAM!

By Sven of Nine on Thursday, October 11, 2001 - 07:57 pm:

It's "Spot the References" time!

Scotty: Captain, our shields are down and we're losing power! We're dead in space!
Sulu: Klingon cruiser closing in on an attack vector, sir.
Kirk: Oh dear, Spock. Fortune vomits in my eider-down once more...

Picard: See the little goblin
See his little feet
And his little nosey-wose
Isn't the goblin sweet?
All: YES!

(Unused line from "What You Leave Behind"
Sisko: Believe me, Dukat, an eternity in the Fire Caves with Kosst Amojan and all his evil Pah-Wraiths, will be a picnic... compared to five minutes with me... and THIS pencil!

Rom: Fear not, brother. I have a cunning plan that will save us all. So cunning you could stick a tail on its end and call it a weasel.

By Sven again on Thursday, October 11, 2001 - 07:58 pm:

Seven of Nine: Look, guys, there was this one about these nuns, and--

By KAM on Friday, October 12, 2001 - 04:56 am:

You win, KAM!

uhhh, okay. What'd I win?

Sven, those references are to Blackadder. (I made one myself somewhere up there.)

Seven: I just find out I'm really Irish. So from now on you can call me Seven O'Nine.

By KAM on Friday, October 12, 2001 - 05:09 am:

Kirk: Where's this Tellarite queen I'm supposed to meet?
Miss Piggy: That would be... moi!!!

By Anonymous on Friday, October 12, 2001 - 08:13 am:

Vulcan (to Zephram Cochrane): Your produce alone was worth the trip.

By John A. Lang on Friday, October 12, 2001 - 10:14 pm:

Spock: (scanning humans) Captain, 2 life forms, humanoid.
Kirk: (to humanoids) Who are you?
Humanoid 1: I am Bob McKenzie & this is my brother Doug.
Doug: How's it goin', eh?
Bob: Do the theme.
Doug: Ok, eh! (snort) (singing) Coo roo coo coo roo coo coo coo! Coo roo coo coo roo coo coo coo!
Bob: Beauty! OK, Welcome to "The Great White North and our topic for today is "Star Trek"
Kirk: What the...?
Spock: I never said they were intelligent life forms.

By Sven of Forty-Two on Saturday, October 13, 2001 - 09:36 am:

Data: I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.

By XNZ on Saturday, October 13, 2001 - 09:52 am:

(Pretty AOTW kissing Riker. Troi bursts in.)
Troi: HE'S MINE!!! But I'm willing to share. (Winks at AOTW)

By ScottN on Saturday, October 13, 2001 - 01:07 pm:

Troi: I'm the sex symbol! I'm the SEX SYMBOL!

Oh, wait, we did here that on the TNN promos!

By KAM on Sunday, October 14, 2001 - 06:38 am:

Riker: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Trip: The secret to flying a shuttle is to aim at the ground & miss.
Worf: Sounds like firing a phaser.

By KAM on Sunday, October 14, 2001 - 06:39 am:

Seven: (singing) I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...

By Hans Thielman on Tuesday, October 16, 2001 - 01:21 pm:

Seven: Are you a real captain?

By Will on Wednesday, October 17, 2001 - 11:16 am:

Kirk; "...and I've been to Ardana, and the Genesis Planet and Vulcan and Exo III and M-113 and Delta Vega and Cestus III and Janus VI and Pollux IV and Capella and..."
Archer; "Aaaaaaawwwwshaddup! I'm going back to Enterprise."
Kirk; "You mean 'the' Enterprise."
Archer; "Shaddup! *^!?$*@ descendants!"

Dr.Phlox; "Here's an ancient cure for your injury, Mr.Tucker. I'm going to put this peanut butter and jelly patch on your cheeks. Your temperature will slowly get back to normal."
Tucker; "You sure this is gonna work?"
Phlox (barely able to keep a straight face); "Trust me! I know what I'm doing. And for this cut I'll place this hunk of Denebian salami under your (heehee) armpit."
Tucker; "I'm not sure this is gonna work."
Phlox (snickering); "Alien cures are my specialty. Trust HAHAHAHA me."

By KAM on Thursday, October 18, 2001 - 03:07 am:

T'Pol: Worst first contact ever.
Archer: It was an accident.
T'Pol: You shouldn't have brought Porthos along.
Archer: How was I to know the aliens were intelligent trees?

Vaal: Enough with the vegetables. Someone get me a steak!

Hoshi (to alien): All your base are belong to us.

Archer: What did the alien say?
Hoshi: I'm not sure. Either he said 'Welcome to our space. You are guests.' or 'Invaders of our space. Prepare to die.'

Alien: Gjkdomeht sodfmfgy wjons klllsnb voiipssu?
Hoshi: He said, 'Who is this stunningly beautiful and sexy creature?'
T'Pol: My name is T'Pol.
Hoshi: He's talking about the captain.

Archer: Why isn't this planet on the star chart identified?
T'Pol: It's not a planet, it's an ink stain.

By KAM on Thursday, October 18, 2001 - 03:13 am:

Hoshi: Captain, the alien says you should place the fruit in the sacred alcove.
Archer: Okay.
Hoshi: Now the alien says to bow deeply as a sign of respect.
Archer: Okay.
Hoshi: Now to prove you are unarmed you should take off all your clothes and turn around.
Archer: What?
Hoshi: That was what it said.
T'Pol: (whispering to Hoshi) The alien didn't say that.
Hoshi: (whispering back) Quiet! I think he's gonna do it.

By Charles Cabe (Ccabe) on Thursday, October 18, 2001 - 11:03 am:

T'Pol: Captain, we have the aliens on sensors.

(The Captain walks over to see the sensors.)

Capt. Archer: I can't see the aliens, all I see somekinda bubling and gurgling.

T'Pol: That's the coffee machine, this is the sensors.

Capt. Archer: Of course, I always drink coffee when I watch the sensors.

By Merat on Thursday, October 18, 2001 - 08:26 pm:

KAM, I regret to inform you that you are insane. Incredibly funny, but insane.

By KAM on Friday, October 19, 2001 - 06:17 am:

Many people in my life have already pointed out that I'm insane, but I think you're the first to say "Incredibly funny". Thanks.

By Anonymous on Friday, October 19, 2001 - 01:06 pm:

T'Pol: Make Seven Up yours.

By KAM on Monday, October 22, 2001 - 03:36 am:

Head of Section 31: Captain Archer, from this moment on, you and your crew will be members of Section 31. This means that all evidence of you, your crew & your ship will be erased from all official histories & reports and future generations will have no idea who you were or that there was an NX-01 Enterprise.
Archer: We can live with that, sir.

By John A. Lang on Wednesday, October 31, 2001 - 10:33 pm:

Uhura: Message from Starfleet, sir.
Kirk: On screen
(Adm. Fitzpatrick materializes on screen)

Fitzpatrick: New Starfleet regulations:
1. No pooftahs
2. No member of the faculty is to maltreat the others in anyway whatsoever--if there's anyone watching
3. No pooftahs
4. I don't want to catch anyone not drinking in their room after lights out.
5. No pooftahs
6. There is no rule 6
7. No pooftahs.

By Sven of Conquistador Instant Leprosy on Thursday, November 01, 2001 - 10:32 am:

Fitzpatrick's aide: Oh Lord we beseech thee etc. etc. Amen.
All: AMEN!

Garak: ...then paste it to the back of the sailor's uniform until the word "Maudling" is almost totally obscured.

Quark: I like the new slogan: "Slug-a-Cola" brings new meaning to the word Vomit! [JOKE]

By Will on Thursday, November 01, 2001 - 11:15 am:

Scully; "Agent Spock, how many times do I have to tell you that there's no such thing as extraterrestrials?"

By KAM on Monday, November 12, 2001 - 06:43 am:

Eddington: Sisko, you can capture me or save the Cardassians.
Sisko: Fire quantum torpedoes.
Eddington: Oh, sh...
Kabooommmmm!!!

Thanks to Mike Ram for the inspiration

By Anonymous on Wednesday, November 14, 2001 - 12:57 pm:

Chakotay to Seven: I want to file a class action lawsuit against Captain Janeway.

By KAM on Thursday, November 15, 2001 - 04:58 am:

Riann: Archer, I'm so glad you're back. Say hello to your son.
Archer: REED! BEAM ME UP!

(Kirk (or any regular) kisses the alien babe or hunk)
Alien Babe or Hunk: Ooooh, yuck! What was that? Ptooi!

By John A. Lang on Saturday, November 17, 2001 - 09:19 pm:

Alien: Meesa Jar Jar Binks!
Kirk: Set phasers for vaporize...fire!

BZZZZZZ!

Jar Jar: YAHHHHHHHH!

(Too bad this isn't a line we won't hear on "Star Trek"...I'd like to hear it!)

By KAM on Sunday, November 18, 2001 - 06:36 am:

Khan: Kirk, join the Dark Side.

Uhura: Security reports that Sulu thinks he is Luke Skywalker and is chasing crewmembers with a lightsaber.

Kirk: David... I... am... your father.
David: Well, I hope Saavik isn't my sister because she's hot.

Cyrano Jones: It's called an Ewok.

By Will on Tuesday, November 27, 2001 - 11:09 am:

Uhura; "This is the Enterprise, come in Starbase Seattle."
Starbase: "This is Fraiser Crane, Enterprise; I'm listening."

Joey Tribiane walks up to Troi; "Heeey, how you doin'?"

Picard; "Does this speedo make me look fat, Number one?"

Archer; "Another bow and arrow set for my birthday? Gee, thanks. Har-dee-har-har."

By Machiko Jenkins (Mjenkins) on Friday, November 30, 2001 - 01:46 am:

T'Pol: Make Seven Up yours.

So, Anon, just how would T'Pol logically suggest one would make Seven (of Nine) up theirs? ;)

By Sven of Liar on Friday, November 30, 2001 - 03:22 am:

Oh very witty, Wilde!

Archer: "Sorry, Mrs. Thatcher, I think you've got the wrong J. Archer..."

By KAM on Friday, November 30, 2001 - 03:56 am:

Well, Seven does have those nanoprobe injection tubes...

Kirk: Spock, Bones, Redshirt Epstein, we're going down to the planet.
Redshirt Epstein: Excuse me, Mr. Captain, sir, but I have a note.
Kirk (reading note): Please excuse my son from redshirt duty. He hasn't been feeling well lately. Signed Redshirt Epstein's mother.

Picard: Computer. Milk & Pepsi. Cold.

Spock: Nanu-nanu.

Kirk: I'll need volunteers for this mission.
Redshirt Horshack: Ooh, ooh! Pick me! Pick me!

Quark: If you want to be a successful Dabo Girl, Buffy, don't kill the customers. Even if they are vampires.

Kirk: Redshirts Nelson & Healy, you're with me.
Nelson & Healy: JEANIE!!!

Seven: I'm the best at what I do, bub.
SFX: (injection tubes pop out of her hands) Snikt!

By Anonymous on Friday, November 30, 2001 - 08:13 am:

Daniels: The American Express Card. Don't time travel without it.

By Will on Friday, November 30, 2001 - 11:18 am:

Kirk; "Redshirt Barbarino, you're with me; we're beaming down to the Klingon homeworld."
Barbarino; "What?"
Kirk; "We're beaming down."
Barbarino; "Where?"
Kirk; "To the Klingon homeworld!"
Barbarino; "What?"
Kirk; "YOU and I are beaming down to the Klingon homeworld!!! Got that?"
Barbarino; "Why?"
Kirk; "BECAUSE I SAID SO?"
Barbarino; "What?"
Kirk; "I might have to kill you myself..."

Kirk to General Chang; "Up your nose with a rubber photon torpedo hose!"

Sisko to Gul Dukat; "Sit on it!"

By ScottN on Friday, November 30, 2001 - 02:05 pm:

Q (to Picard): makes a thumbs up -- Aaaaay!

By Hans Thielman on Tuesday, December 04, 2001 - 01:02 pm:

Data: Inquiry. "Strawberry Hill?"

By KAM on Wednesday, December 05, 2001 - 05:20 am:

Romulan: Up your nose with a rubber hose.

Picard: Sit on it, Q.

Klingon: You are worse than a P'tak! You are a nerd!

M'Ress: Stop calling me Boo-Boo Kitty!

Admiral Squiggy: Helloooooooooo.

Scotty: Cooolookoooloookooolooo...
Kirk: eh, good day an' welcome to the Great White Enterprise.
Spock: What's wrong with them Doctor?
McCoy: For some reason they think they're Canadian.

By kerriem. on Wednesday, December 05, 2001 - 11:54 am:

OK...for the sake of us Canadian posters...enough with the Bob & Doug references, already!

And now, for something completely different:

Kirk: Bones, what happened to Ensign Gilliam?

Bones: Well, Jim...(draws deep breath)He's not pining. He's passed on. This ensign is no more. He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the shuttlecraft seat he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!!
THIS IS AN EX-REDSHIRT!!

Kirk: I see. (pause) Well...guess we better replace 'im then.

By Sven, Sven, Sven, Sven, Sven, Baked Beans, Sven, Sven, Sven and Spam on Wednesday, December 05, 2001 - 05:32 pm:

Captain's Log, Stardate September 4th. Fell off near Alpha Eridanis III. The bicycle pump got caught in my trouser leg, and my Altarian sandwiches were badly squashed.

Picard: Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
[computer malfunctions, produces a steaming dish]
Picard: [looks at dish] ... Lemon curry?

By Merat on Wednesday, December 05, 2001 - 08:15 pm:

Picard: Smeggin' hell!

By KAM on Thursday, December 06, 2001 - 06:24 am:

OK, kerriem, no more Bob & Doug. I shall instead rip off Canadian cartoonist Josh Lesnick, creator of Avalon

McCoy: Spock, do you know any Hockey jokes?
Spock: Yes, the Toronto Maple Leafs.

, eh.

Khan: We left Earth because we could see that it would just be a matter of time before our Internet stocks were worthless.

By Toronto Fan on Thursday, December 06, 2001 - 11:15 am:

Not funny at all, KAM. Looks like you're several years out of date.
Toronto is in FIRST place in the Northeast Division.
They are tied for SECOND place in the Eastern Conference.
And they are tied for FOURTH place in the ENTIRE league.
Try picking on the Panthers, Blue Jackets, Predators, Canucks, or Ducks. Those guys need help.

By kerrie. on Thursday, December 06, 2001 - 11:28 am:

KAM, I should have warned you...don't mess with Toronto hockey fans. They bleed Blue & White. And they're not noted for their sense of humour...Harold Ballard sucked it all out of 'em.

Sheesh, we're coming off as a pretty sensitive lot, aren't we? Tell you what - you can make all the Canadian bacon jokes you want, OK?

By KAM on Friday, December 07, 2001 - 04:42 am:

Josh was the one doing the Toronto jokes. (Go through the Archives.) I just used Spock & McCoy instead of Ceiledh, Joe or Alan. I know very little about Hockey.

Kirk (to Klingon ship): You have ten seconds to get oot of Federation Space.
Klingon Kaptain K'am: To get what? *stifles a snicker*
Kirk: Oot. I want you oot of Federation Space.
Klingon Kaptain K'am: *laughing* What's oot?
Kirk: Not oot, oot. O-U-T.
(Klingons are all doubled over in laughter)
Kirk: Oh, just fire already, Chekov!
Chekov: eh, sir.

By KAM on Friday, December 07, 2001 - 04:43 am:

Whoops! Forgot the smiley.

By KAM on Friday, December 07, 2001 - 07:06 am:

Whoooooops! It's Josh PHILLIPS who does Avalon, not Josh Leznick (who I think does another strip, but I don't feel like looking it up.)

By Toronto Fan on Friday, December 07, 2001 - 11:14 am:

Explanation accepted for the hockey 'joke'.
However, thanks to South Park, Americans think we Canadians say 'oot' instead of 'out'. That's stu-pid, and not in the least true. 'Oot' might be uttered by a Scotsman with a Scotish accent, but defintely not anyone from Toronto, Calgary, Vancouver, etc.
You're a good guy, KAM, and I hate to be so sensitive, but incorrect characterizations bug the H out of me. Must be all those years of telling people that I don't live in an igloo, there is no skiing in Toronto, and considering the unusually warm weather we've been having the past month, I'm hardly in the 'Great White North'. Buffalo N.Y., Nebraska, and Colorado get more snow that my part of the country, in fact.

By Merat on Friday, December 07, 2001 - 11:57 am:

Um, Toronto Fan, I have heard Canadians say "oot" in all seriousness. It may be rare, like the deep DEEP Southern accents we hear on TV, but it is there....

By KAM on Saturday, December 08, 2001 - 04:45 am:

Canadian Rich Little has said that he used to say oot, instead of out. I didn't mean to imply that every Canadian speaks that way, just trying to be funny. But then I've been making some really bad decisions lately when it comes to posting.

Sorry if I offended.

By Sven of Dai-X on Saturday, December 08, 2001 - 07:50 am:

Here's something that I sincerely hope NEVER happens in any episode of Star Trek:

-------------------

Spock: We're under attack by unknown forces, Captain! What do you recommend we do?

[then the whole bridge breaks into the theme from "Star Fleet" complete with rock bombast, viz:]

Kirk: Send a message out across the sky:
"Alien raiders just past Gemini!"

Uhura: Who will come and save us now?
Who will defend us from the power?

All: Starfleet! Starfleet!
Starfleet! Starfleet!

Kirk: [to Uhura] Tell the people back at Earth control:
"Send Starfleet legions to save our souls!"

Uhura: Always daring and courageous,
Oooh, only they can save us!

All: Starfleet! Starfleet!
Starfleet! Starfleet!
Staaaaarrrrrfleeeeeeeeeeeeet!

By kerriem. on Saturday, December 08, 2001 - 07:56 am:

You didn't, KAM. Us Canucks are famously touchy about (ab-oot?) American perceptions of us, that's all.
Compared to some of the stuff I've heard and read, though, you're practically a Goodwill Ambassador. Don't sweat it, eh?

(But please - if you value your life - don't make fun of the Montreal Canadiens!)

By KAM on Sunday, December 09, 2001 - 05:59 am:

McCoy: Do you know any jokes about the Montreal Canadiens?
Spock: Yes, what do you get when...

Suddenly the joke ends when the writer is beaten to death by an unidentified, hockey stick-weilding, Canadian woman.

By Will on Monday, December 10, 2001 - 11:10 am:

Kirk; "What do the sensors show, Mr.Sulu?"
Sulu; "AAAAAAAAAA! Godzilla!"

Janeway; "Nobody harm it! This alien being is obviously highly intelligent and the dominant species on this planet!"
Chakotay; "Uh, Kathryn? That's a Laz-Z-Boy chair!"
Janeway; "Don't argue, Chakotay! I know what I'm doing! Alien being; we-come-in-peace."

Worf; "First VHS forces me to re-record all my 'Leave It To Bat'leth' episodes, now DVD is going to force me to re-record them all over again! Perhaps today is a good day to die!"

By Merat on Monday, December 10, 2001 - 11:14 am:

Worf(Singing): "Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day..."

By Sven of Nine, who really, really does not like Celine Dion - no offence, kerriem on Monday, December 10, 2001 - 12:21 pm:

Worf (singing): "Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does... go on....."

By Merat on Monday, December 10, 2001 - 04:33 pm:

Worf(Singing): "Tinky-winky, Dipsy, LaLa, Po! Tellitubbies...Tellitubbies..."

By Sven of I cant take this anymore!!! on Monday, December 10, 2001 - 05:13 pm:

Nooooo! No, God, Noooo!!!!!!

[waves white flag]

By Merat on Monday, December 10, 2001 - 08:16 pm:

Worf(Singing): "I love you, you love me...."


Sven, a white flag means nothing to a Klingon. Try green. Today is a good day to dye.

By John A. lang on Monday, December 10, 2001 - 08:49 pm:

Chang: (Singing) "The hills are alive with the sound of music"

(...and ya' know what? He really DID sing it...in a previous incarnation....Georg' Von Trapp!)

By Merat on Monday, December 10, 2001 - 09:21 pm:

Worf: Captain, command gold is SO last century.

By Merat on Monday, December 10, 2001 - 10:39 pm:

Lets see, more singing, more singing....

Khan, just before he sets off Genesis(Singing): "Its the end of the world as we know it."

Worf(Singing): "Its a small world after all, its a small world after all, its a small world after all, its a small, small world. [pause] Where did everybody go?"

By Merat on Monday, December 10, 2001 - 10:53 pm:

Whoops, was just reading old posts, and my "Worf: Captain, command..." is very similar to an old one of Sven's. :\

By Sven of Nine presents: The Worf Feel-Good Variety Hour on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 01:19 am:

Worf (singing): "Uptown girl, she's been living in an uptown world..."

By Sven of Sild on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 01:31 am:

Spock: Sorted, respect you.
McCoy: What are the chances of that happening, eh?
Kirk: But if you're here, Scotty, then who's looking after the Tribbles for the Tribble Parade?
Chekov: If it's too hard, I can't understand it!

By KAM on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 03:44 am:

Kirk: What are the aliens saying?
Uhura: I don't know. The censors are editing the transmission.

Worf (singing): When I feel afraid, I whistle a happy tune...

Riker (singing): It's raining men! Hallejullah, it's raining men...

Kirk (singing): Why can't a woman be more like a man?

Garak (singing) Doctor, Doctor give me the news
Bashir (singing): I've got a bad case of loving you

Yar (singing): I'm just a girl who can't say nnnnn... nnnn... nyargh...
OK, I ripped that one off from Laugh-In ;-)

Jadzia (singing): I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world...

Quark (singing): Money makes the station go 'round...

Antideans (singing): Fish heads, fish heads, rolly poly fish heads...

Janeway (singing): If I can't be with the one I love, I love the one I'm with...

Geordi (singing): Private eyes, I'm watching you...

Seven (singing): Number nine, number nine, number nine...

Picard (singing): Brush up your Shakespeare, start quoting him now...

Future Guy (singing): Time is on my side...

Soon to be dead redshirts (singing): We're gonna make it after alll!!!

By XNZ on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 06:57 am:

Kirk: Mr. Spock is my first officer. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Know what I mean? Know what I mean?

Picard: I'm going number one.
Riker: Going where?
Picard: No where, but now I need someone to change my nappy.

By Merat on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 07:31 am:

Kira(Singing): "Stand by your man.."

By Merat on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 08:01 am:

Worf: "My name is Worf Rozenko, mighty pirate."


Worf: "Jadzia, I am a mighty Klingon warrior! I have fought off beings of indescribable evil! I survived an attack by a Vulcan mind-wrenching device! And I want you to read me "Toby the Targ goes to the Circus" again!"


Its just so much fun to mock the big guy

By ScottN on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 10:30 am:

Jadzia (singing): We're livin' in a material world, and I am a material girl..

By ScottN on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 10:31 am:

Picard: ... Number One.
Riker: Will you please stop referring to me as bodily waste!


Picard: ... Number One.
Riker: I am not a number, I am a free man!

By Will on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 11:21 am:

Number 6; "Where am I?
Number 2; "In the Village."
Number 6; "Who are you?"
Number 2; "The new Number 2. You are Number 6."
Number 6; "Who is Number 1?"
Riker; "That would be me!"

Wesley singing as he leaves the Enterprise; "Bye, bye, bye!"

Sade singing to Kirk; "He's a smooth operater!"

Wesley; "&@%@^*^%!%*!*!&~!%(**^!%!^!#~&~&*~*~(~)^^!&!^!$@$@&!&!&*~~~??!!?!#@#@#!!!"
Beverly; "Wesley! Where did you learn to swear like that?"
Wesley; "Madonna."

Kirk singing to Edith Keeler; "I'm picking up good vibrations! She's giving me excitations!"

By Charles Cabe (Ccabe) on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 11:40 am:

We've made fun of Worf, now it's Jadzia's turn:

Jadzia (singing):
Oh, I'm a science officer, and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

CHORUS (O'Brian, Kira, and Julian):
She's a science officer, and she's okay,
She sleeps all night and she works all day.

I scan anti-positrons, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones at Quark's.

CHORUS:
She scans anti-positrons, she eats her lunch,
She goes to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays she goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones at Quark's.

I scan flux tachyons, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.

CHORUS
She scans flux tachyons, she skips and jumps,
She likes to press wild flowers.
She puts on women's clothing
And hangs around.... In bars???????

I scan wormhole graviolies, I wear pointy ears,
Suspendies and a bra.
I wish I'd been a Vulcan
Just like my dear papa.

CHORUS
She scan wormhole graviolies, he wears pointy ears
Suspendies?? and a .... a Bra????

By Merat on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 03:41 pm:

Charles, I think she would be the only one who wears a bra then...

By Sven of No! I wanna make fun of Worf, pleeeeeease! on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 04:12 pm:

Worf (sings): "Man... I feel like a woman..."

By Sven of Something Sutpid on Tuesday, December 11, 2001 - 04:16 pm:

Picard (singing): "...and then I go and spoil it all by saying somethin' sutpid like 'Make it so!'"

By Will on Wednesday, December 12, 2001 - 11:25 am:

Kirk (singing); "Some people call me the Space Cowboy, some people call me the Gangster of Love, some people call me Maurice..."

Kirk; (singing); "Lucy...in...the...sky......with............diamonds! Ohhhhhhhhh!......Oohhhh..."
(Oh, wait, that was Bill!)

Chekov; "The Star Spangled Banner ees a nice song, but deed you know eet vas invented by Russians?"

Spock (singing); "Well, I'm hot-blooded, can't you see? Got a fever of a hundred and three!"

By ScottN on Wednesday, December 12, 2001 - 01:16 pm:

Spock (to Dr. Chapel}: Doctor, Doctor, Give me the news, I got a bad case of lovin' you!

(not related to previous joke)
Dr. McCoy: All you need, all you really need, is good love!

By Teral on Wednesday, December 12, 2001 - 07:23 pm:

McCoy: This man is dead Jim.
Kirk: I want a second opinion.
McCoy: Okay, he's also ugly.

By Merat on Wednesday, December 12, 2001 - 09:10 pm:

Spock(Singing): "Feelings...nothing but feelings..."

By John A. Lang on Wednesday, December 12, 2001 - 09:43 pm:

Marta..."I'm an Orion Slave Girl by day, female caped crusader by night."

Losira: "How purrrrfect"

Eleen: "Purrrfect, Captain Kirk"

By Merat on Wednesday, December 12, 2001 - 09:57 pm:

Data(to Picard): "Sir, you are a smee."
Picard: "What?"
Data: "A smee-hee."
Picard: "A 'smee-hee'?"
Data: "A complete and total one, sir."

By John A. Lang on Wednesday, December 12, 2001 - 10:08 pm:

Pike: (Singing) "Let's do the Time Warp again..."

Kirk: (singing while looking at Rand) "She's got legs...she knows how to use them..."

Spock: (singing while looking at Droxine) "Uptown girl..."

Scotty: (singing) "How are things in Glocca Morra...?"

By Merat on Wednesday, December 12, 2001 - 10:38 pm:

Scotty: "Its just an engine, Captain."

By Sven of Look at what has been started, people! on Thursday, December 13, 2001 - 01:57 am:

Kirk (singing): "Hit me baby one more time..."

By KAM on Thursday, December 13, 2001 - 03:17 am:

M'Ress (singing): Cool Cat strut, I'm a cool cat...

Kirk (singing): I told you that I loved you now get out...

Klingon: We declare Captain Kirk singing to be an act of war!

Garak (singing): Every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man...

Bashir (singing): Secret Agent Man

Data (singing): We All Need The Human Touch

The Dominion (singing): This Land Is Our Land...

Dukat (singing after the death of his daughter): They're coming to take me away ha ha...

Morn (singing): The Sound Of Silence

By Merat on Thursday, December 13, 2001 - 06:25 am:

Data: "Screw humanity, I'm going to be a Ferengi!"

By Will on Thursday, December 13, 2001 - 11:19 am:

Riker; "This soda is good, but has too much carbonation BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRP! See what I mean?"
Data; "Inquiry; 'BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRP'?"

Picard; "Computer; Orange Hi'C, cold."

Picard; "Computer; Nestle Quik, cold."
Computer; "Yea-yea, hold your horses. Here! Quick enough for you, Speedy Gonzales?"

Spock; "MEEP-MEEP! Get outta the way!"

Kirk surveying the ruins of Cestus III: "Of course, you realize this means war?"

Future Captain; "Enterprise-M to Enterprise-D; hey old-timers!"

Kirk; "So you say the Ferengi women all walk around naked? Hmmm! Sounds like my kinda place!"

By Sven of Nine with yet another cheap joke on Thursday, December 13, 2001 - 04:06 pm:

O'Brien: Why are you putting me on yet MORE medication, Julian?
Bashir: For cough, Miles.
O'Brien: Well, if that's your attitude... [punches the Doc]

By John A. Lang on Thursday, December 13, 2001 - 04:35 pm:

LINES WE SHOULD HAVE HEARD ON TOS:

Pike: "Hey, could you turn down that music? I can't hear my Navigator tell me what Time Warp Factor we're at! He's gotta use hand signals!" (The Cage)

Uhura: (to Kirk) "Hey! I outrank Chekov. Why can't I command?" (Journey to Babel)

Kirk: "Could someone fix my pants?" (The Savage Curtain)

Rand: (to Kirk) "Can I have a goodbye kiss before I leave the Enterprise?" (Conscience of the King)

Kirk: "Hey! Stop spinning that camera! I'm getting dizzy!" (The Alternate Factor)

Vina: (To Pike) "Wanna 'lap dance' ? " (The Cage)

Marta: (To Kirk) see above....(Whom Gods Destroy)

By KAM on Friday, December 14, 2001 - 03:47 am:

Jean-Luc "Radar" Picard: Computer. Grape Knee-Hi. Cold.

Miles: Julian, do you have anything that's good for a headache?
Bashir: Yes. (Bashes in Miles' head with a brick.;-)

T'Pol (singing & stripping): Let me entertain you...

New opening theme for Let That Be Your Last Battlefield: Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah Star Trek!

Vulcans singing at first contact: Here we come, walking down the plank, get the funniest looks from, ev'ry human we meet, Hey, hey we're the Vulcans...

By TomM on Friday, December 14, 2001 - 10:57 am:

It's grape Nehi, actually, though personally I preferred the orange (but my favorite was the strawberry on the rare occasions that I could find it).

By Will on Friday, December 14, 2001 - 11:14 am:

Data; "Inquiry; 'Ho-ho-ho'?"

Data; "Inquiry; 'X-Box'?"

Spock; "Logic sucks."

Spock (as a young boy); "Mommy, those boys are making human faces at me again!"

Picard; "Computer; coffee, black, hot."
Computer; "What? No Earl Grey Tea?"
Picard; "No thank you, computer. Coffee, black, hot."
Computer; "Waitaminute. Who are you, and what have you done with the real Jean-Luc Picard? You look like Captain Kathryn Janeway to me."
Picard; "Well, I'm not. Coffee. Black. HOT!"
Computer; "So what you're saying is you've kicked your Earl Grey Tea habit, and are substituting it with coffee?"
Picard; "I'm not 'kicking a habit', I just want something different!"
Computer; "Then why not cold Earl Grey Tea? Or lukewarm Earl Grey Tea with a sprig of lemon? Why not--"
Picard; "Just give me the bleedin' black coffee!"
Computer; "Hmm. I don't know. I think I'll consult Number One or Dr.Crusher, first. I think you've been taken over by somekinda alien force, or something."
Picard; "Computer--!"
Computer; "Good day to you, sir."
Picard; "Comp--"
Computer; "I said 'Good day'."

By ScottN on Friday, December 14, 2001 - 11:30 am:

Picard: Computer. Tea, Earl Grey, Hot.

replicator produces a substance that is almost, but not entirely quite unlike tea

Computer: Share and Enjoy.

By Anonymous 3313 on Saturday, December 15, 2001 - 03:13 am:

Worf to computer: Computer I am now going to reprogram you with a very large fire ax if you don't obey me.

Something I've wanted to say to mine many times.

By Teral on Saturday, December 15, 2001 - 08:02 pm:

(Ensign gets thrown out the door to the captains champer)
Janeway: No visits, before my morning coffee.

Bashir: Garak, that plan was soooo obvious. Even I could see through it.
Garak: Well, ermm......Oh my good! Look at that, what in the world is that?!
(Bashir looks, Garak flees)

By Teral on Saturday, December 15, 2001 - 08:03 pm:

(Ensign gets thrown out the door to the captains champer)
Janeway: No visits, before my morning coffee.

Bashir: Garak, that plan was soooo obvious. Even I could see through it.
Garak: Well, ermm......Oh my good! Look at that, what in the world could that be?!
(Bashir looks, Garak flees)

By Will on Monday, December 17, 2001 - 11:14 am:

Gorn (without a universal translator): "Gaaah. Grrraaarraa. Guh guh grrah. Snarlarrrrgh! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Kirk; "Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! That's a funny story!"
McCoy; "Did you understand what he said?"
Kirk; "No. Just keep laughing! HA, ha, ha, ha, ha."

7 of 9; "Make Seven. Up Yours."

Vaal; "I'm God."
Apollo; "No, I'm God."
Gary Mitchell; "Hey, I want to be God."
God zaps all three. "Amatuers!"

Homer Simpson; "Mmmmmm! Chocolate-coated Tribbles!" (Drooling, drooling)

Ensign gets thrown out of Janeway's ready room.
Janeway; "No visitors until my morning tequila!"

By Make Sven Up Yours on Monday, December 17, 2001 - 05:24 pm:

(Ensign gets thrown out of Janeway's ready room.)
Capt. Janeway: "No visitors before my morning [fill in blank]!"

By Anonymous on Monday, December 17, 2001 - 07:34 pm:

{fill in the blank} = "sex" ?

By anonymous 3313 on Tuesday, December 18, 2001 - 04:48 am:

{fill in blank} = Chakotay

By ScottN on Tuesday, December 18, 2001 - 09:55 am:

{fill in blank} = "Violation of the Prime Directive"

By Will on Tuesday, December 18, 2001 - 11:11 am:

Picard; "Computer, four cheeseburgers and one Coke, please."
Computer; "No Coke. Only Pepsi."
Picard; "Very well, then. One Pepsi.
Computer; "Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, Pepsi."

Kirk; "Shana, I'm going to make love to you. I want to show you why they call me the Fastest Lover In The Galaxy."
Shana; "We'll see about that."
Kirk; "What? Didn't you like it?"

Charleton Heston; "Get yer sticky paws off me, you damm dirty Klingon!"

General Chang; "I'm going to keep my eye on you!"

General Chang; "I spy with my little eye..."

5 rejected last words for Kirk in 'Generations';
"Owch."
"Hey, ladies!"
"It was gnarly."
"Thanks for nothing, Picard!"
"That tickled."

B'Lanna gives birth to a baby that looks more like Harry Kim than Tom Paris;
Tom; "B'Lannnnaaaa, you got some 'splainin' to do!"

By Merat on Tuesday, December 18, 2001 - 02:15 pm:

{fill in the blank} "violation of the doctor's rights"

{Fill in the blank} "drastic change in command style}

By Valentine Michael Smith on Tuesday, December 18, 2001 - 04:23 pm:

{fill in blank} = grokking

By I Love Sven on Tuesday, December 18, 2001 - 04:24 pm:

Tom; "B'Lannnnaaaa, you got some 'splainin' to do!"
B'Elanna: WAAAAAHHHH!

By Merat on Wednesday, December 19, 2001 - 06:42 am:

{Fill in the blank} "jaunt to the holodeck"

By Will on Wednesday, December 19, 2001 - 11:16 am:

Kirk (singing to Nona); "Got a black magic woman, I've got a black magic woman, and she's got her spell on me, baby."

Kirk (singing); "I shot the Klingon, but I did not shoot the Romulan."

Spock; "Logic smogic! I want 'Baywatch'!"

By Merat on Wednesday, December 19, 2001 - 03:07 pm:

Line We Would Never Hear on Star Trek:
Worf: "This is my poodle, Schnookums."

Line We Might Hear on Star Trek:
Worf: "This is my poodle, preheat the oven."

By Will on Thursday, December 20, 2001 - 03:44 pm:

Bela Oxmyx; "Let me make this perfectly clear; I am not a crook."

Captain Pike to the Keeper re. Vina; "I'm going to say this once more; I...did not...have...sexual...relations...with...this...woman."

By Will on Friday, December 21, 2001 - 11:10 am:

Spock; "This the best time I've ever had at a brothel."

McCoy; "You're arm is broken."
Chekov; "I vant a second opinion."
McCoy; "Okay, you're ugly, too."

Worf; "AAUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!"
Dax; "Honey, wake up! It was only a nightmare!"
Worf; "Only (gasp!) a nightmare? (Gasp!) Good."
Dax; "What was it? Romulan assassins? Dominion executioners? Giant, alien monsters??"
Worf; "No. Tribbles!"

Worf; "Dax, we must speak, now that you've taken on a new body."
Dax; "Don't you like it?"
Worf; "No. You look like Captain Picard."

By Sven of Cliche on Friday, December 21, 2001 - 03:07 pm:

Janeway: "I want to be.... alone."

Seven: "I want your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle."

Worf: "Klingons do not Mambo."

Sisko: "Arrrgh, me hearties! Fifteen men on a dead man's chest!"
All: "Yo ho ho and a bottle of bloodwine!"

Bashir: "Rather be a quack than a ducky, dear!"

By ScottN on Friday, December 21, 2001 - 03:15 pm:

Janeway: "I want to be.... alone."

I think we heard that one in "Night".

By Will on Thursday, December 27, 2001 - 11:00 am:

Picard; "Oh, joy. More Earl Grey tea for Christmas."
Ryker; "Sorry, Captain."
Data; "I am sorry, Captain."
Worf; "Sorry, sir."
Deanna; "Sorry, Captain."
Beverly; "Oops. Sorry, Jean-Luc."
Wesley; "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SUCKER!"

Akuta; "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth!"
Kirk; "Sorry, Akuta."

**Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and Happy New Year everyone!**

By Teral on Sunday, January 06, 2002 - 06:50 pm:

Don't know if it's been said already:

Data: (While dreaming) "Hey sexy mamma, wanna kill all humans."

Kirk: "These new uniforms are pretty snappy, ehh First Officer."
Spock: "I suppose Captain, I'm not as big a fan of velour as you are."