Tuvok: The bridging, or meeting of minds was created by the Vulcan master, Steve Allen.

By ScottN on Thursday, October 05, 2000 - 10:06 am:

Hey, that was a good show!

By Al Fix on Thursday, October 05, 2000 - 11:09 am:

McCoy: "I'm a docteur, not a 'uman cannonball!"
(re: that circus elephant Nike commercial they played ad infinitum during the Olympics)

By Derf on Thursday, October 05, 2000 - 09:50 pm:

Spock: Captain ...
Kirk: Spock, we're on leave, you can call me "your little sehlat".

By Padawan Nitpicker on Sunday, October 08, 2000 - 06:56 am:

Spock: Hey, I never knew I had a half brother! Who`s in charge here?
Kirk: I... am...

Oh, not that kind of Star Trek 5...

By Hans Thielman on Monday, October 09, 2000 - 08:23 am:

Tuvok (while a Borg drone and his neural suppressant is wearing off): Looks like I picked a bad week to give up smoking.

By Derf on Monday, October 09, 2000 - 12:25 pm:

Kudos to Hans for referencing "Airplane".

Kirk: You mean he's your BROTHER brother?
Spock: I'm not sure how to answer that, Captain ...

By Keith Alan Morgan of Borg on Monday, October 09, 2000 - 11:14 pm:

A Borg on one of the cubes the Queen ordered to self-destruct: Looks like I picked a bad week to give up individuality.

Borg Queen (to Janeway): I restored your human appearance because you are one ugly Borg.

By Derf on Tuesday, October 10, 2000 - 12:15 pm:

"The Conscience of the Queen" is a matter for the Borg to assimilate.

By Keith Alan Morgan (Kmorgan) on Wednesday, October 11, 2000 - 02:45 am:

Damar: Hi. My name is Damar. I am an alcoholic.

(Odo walks by Nog & Jake sitting over the promenade. Knocks them off.)

(Worf & Jadzia are confronted by a Klingon armed with a mek'leth)
Jadzia: Look out, Worf! He's got a bat'leth!
Worf: That's not a bat'leth. (Pulls out his bat'leth) Now this is a bat'leth!

By Hans Thielman on Friday, October 13, 2000 - 01:30 pm:

EMH: Take that ring off your finger now, Mr. Paris. It's not sterile.

By Derf on Monday, October 16, 2000 - 07:47 pm:

McCoy: Damit, Jim, I've just now been able to say damit!

By KAM on Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 02:28 am:

Space... the final frontier... as it was once called.
This line was actually used in the Blakes Seven ep Death-Watch. ;-)

Paris: Where do you want to go for our honeymoon, B'Elanna?
B'Elanna: I hear Deck 12 is beautiful this time of year.

Janeway: Harry, I'm promoting you from Usher to Best Man.

Doctor: It was just a bad idea when throwing the bouquet to use Klingon Razor-Lillies.

Spornan: Look at how slow the wedding party is moving! Don't they want to get married? ;-)

By Anonymous on Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 08:30 am:

Paris: Harry, let's do a Klingon style bachelor party.

By Mike on Tuesday, October 17, 2000 - 06:11 pm:

Anon, doesn't that mean hanging from the roof?

By Ed Jolley on Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 06:07 am:

Deanna Troi: I can't sense anything that isn't already obvious from the way he's behaving.

By Hans Thielman on Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 08:29 am:

Uhura: Please continue to hold. Your hail is very important to us. Your hail will be answered in the order received.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 09:09 pm:

From episode of Drive

Paris: It got me through the academy.
Torres: You were expelled.
Paris: No that was Nick Lorcanro.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 09:10 pm:

From episode of Drive

Paris: It got me through the academy.
Torres: You were expelled.
Paris: No that was Nick Locarno.

By KAM on Wednesday, October 18, 2000 - 11:02 pm:

Voyager: The Soap Opera
(Tom & B'Elanna's wedding)
Janeway: ...and if anyone knows any reason why these two shouldn't wed...
(Doors slam open. There stands Joe Carey)
Carey: Yes! I love B'Elanna!
(gasps all around)
Tom: No! I left you for dead on that planet!
Carey: I got better.
Seven: Tom, I'm having your baby.
(more gasps)
Harry (pointing phaser at Janeway): And I'm taking over the ship!
(dramatic music, even more gasps)
Janeway: Why, Harry, why?
Harry: Would it have killed you to promote me?
Doctor: Yes, it would have.
(yet more gasps)
Doctor: She has a rare medical condition promotharryititis. Giving you one more pip would be fatal!
(general shrugs & mumbling)
Naomi: Well I also have something to reveal. (takes off face mask to reveal Jennifer Lien)
Kes: I never really left the ship. I just wanted to see how much you'd miss me and since you didn't, you're all going to die!
(gasps all around)
Chakotay: I don't think so. You see all those 'Vision Quests' I was having I was actually in contact with...(dramatic music) the Borg Queen!
(BQ beams in wearing a flamboyant dress)
Borg Queen: Now I shall have my revenge on you Janeway! First by stealing your sexy firsty officer and... your holographic boyfriend. Muhahahaha!
Janeway: Noooooooooooooooooooooo! (camera spirals away from her)
Tuvok: Boy, did I pick the wrong week to give up Cocaine.

By Anonymous on Friday, October 20, 2000 - 01:29 pm:

Chakotay (to Torres): We'll always have the badlands.

By Derf on Monday, October 23, 2000 - 07:41 pm:

from ST-TMP:
McCoy: Well, it's been a long time since I've delivered a baby. I hope we got this one off to a good start. (except I'm worried about what a sex-starved Deltan with a vow of chastity and a man who can't out-think Kirk would produce).

By Hans Thielman on Tuesday, October 24, 2000 - 01:24 pm:

Nog: What's a portfolio?

By Will 'Python' Spencer on Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 11:26 am:

TOM: "So what kind of cheese do you have in your kitchen, Neelix?"
NEELIX: "Just ask, Mr.Paris, and it's yours."
TOM: "Oh, okay, about some nice gouda."
NEELIX: "Oh, sorry. Don't have that one."
TOM: "Okay. How about havarte?"
NEELIX: "I was expecting a delivery this morning, sir, but it hasn't arrived."
TOM: "Alright, then, how about mozarella?"
NEELIX: "No."
TOM: "Czechoslavakian sheep's milk cheese? Limburger? Somerset?"
NEELIX: "No."
TOM: "Wensleydale?"
NEELIX: 'Yes, sir."
TOM: "Splendid! Then I'll have a pound of that!"
NEELIX: "Oh, sorry, sir. I thought you were talking to me, Neelix Wensleydale."
TOM: "Tsk, tsk. Well, let's keep it simple then. How about cheddar?"
NEELIX: "Well, I'm afraid we haven't had much call for that around here."
TOM: "No call for it?! It's the single most popular cheese in the universe!"
NEELIX: "Not around these parts, sir."
TOM: "Oh, really? Then what is?"
NEELIX: "Dorchester, sir."
TOM: "Is it?"
NEELIX: "Quite so, sir."
TOM: "Is it?"
NEELIX: "Yes, sir!"
TOM: "Then, do you have any dorchester, he asked, expecting the answer 'no.'"
NEELIX: "Let me check, sir. Mmmmmmmm...nope. We're all out of it, sir."
TOM: "It's not much a kitchen, is it?"
NEELIX: "I wouldn't say that, sir. It's so clean."
TOM: "Well, it's certainly not contaminated by cheese."

By J. Lang on Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 12:49 pm:

Tuvok: What's for dinner?
Neelix: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam lovely Spam!

By Anonymous on Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 01:13 pm:

Paris: Neelix, I want a number #1 extra value meal, Sprite, and a hot fudge sundae, no nuts.

Naomi: Neelix, I want a Happy Meal.

Chakotay: Neelix, Grilled chicken sandwich, hold the tomato.

Tuvok: Neelix, two Big Macs.

By ScottPython on Thursday, October 26, 2000 - 03:24 pm:

Janeway: I appreciate your enthusiasm, but this isn't the right time for [some thing or another]
Chakotay: Yes it is!
J: No it isn't!
C: Yes it is!
J: No it isn't!
C: Yes it is!
J: No it isn't!
C: Yes it is!
J: No it isn't!
C: Yes it is!

By John A. Lang on Friday, October 27, 2000 - 01:06 am:

Uhura: I wanna return this Tribble

C. Jones: What's wrong with it?

Uhura: Can't you see? the bloddy thing is dead, if it wasn't nailed to the perch it'd be pushing up the daisies!

C. Jones: Maybe it's just resting!

Uhura: It's dead you fool! (yells at Tribble)
Hello! Polly! (bangs it around)

C. Jones: You've stunned it.

Uhura: Listen you moron, it's dead! It has ceased to be! It has joined the choir invisible! this is an ex-Tribble!

(someone else finish this, I can't remember the rest)

By Hans Thielman on Monday, October 30, 2000 - 01:21 pm:

Chakotay: Computer, activate self-destruct sequence.
Computer: Initiating self-destruct. 30 second countdown.
Chakotay (suddenly snapping out of his mind control): I suppose you want your ship back now.
Janeway: No thanks.

By KAM, or is it? on Tuesday, October 31, 2000 - 12:41 am:

Trick or Treat: Star Trek Halloweens?
Borg children: Your candy will be assimilated.

Ferengi boys: We won't TP your house for some gold-pressed latinum.

Klingon kids: Fight or Treat! Anything healthy would be an insult!

Geordi: There's a razorblade in that apple.

Picard: Candy. Sweet. Make it so.

Betazoid child: I sense you're frightened by my costume.

Wayoun: Would your costume be more aesthetic if it were blue?

Sisko: Epiphany is when you realize that your pajamas can double as a Starfleet uniform.

By Will Spencer on Tuesday, October 31, 2000 - 11:09 am:

WORF; "Today is a good day to trick or treat!"

DEANNA; 'Will, I'm sensing great pain! Terrible agony! I've never sensed anything like this!"
RIKER; 'Thats's just me, Deanna. I ate too much Halloween candy !"

By Derf on Monday, November 13, 2000 - 12:22 pm:

7 of 9 (which is the correct way to spell her name): Interpersonal relationships are irrelevant, but you are a holographic projection doctor, therefore I feel a somewhat personal connection with you. If I may be so bold, how are you?
Doctor: Wanna have an intimate supper? Maybe a holographic movie viewing later? I feel a ... certain programatic tendancy ...

By John A. Lang on Monday, November 13, 2000 - 01:52 pm:

More Halloween:

Deanna Troi: Chocolate please!

Worf: I got a rock

Spock: Illogical pranks with a humorous climax and sweet confectionaries!
(The Vulcan way of saying "Trick or treat")

Kirk: What do you mean they don't give out women on Halloween?!

By Will Spencer on Tuesday, November 14, 2000 - 11:23 am:

Worf; "Captain, I wish to report that Wesley has stolen my pink jumping rope!"

Picard; "Computer; Earl Grey tea, hot."
Computer; "get it yourself, you lazy bum! Is it really so hard for you to dunk your own tea bag for a whole minute?!"

Sisko; "Who let the dogs out?! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!"

Tom Brokaw; "It now appears that Bajor has been claimed by the United Federation of Planets. That now means...just a minute, ladies and gentlemen, I'm now being told that it's still undecided. Wait. Now I'm told that the Cardassians have claimed it for themselves, and...no, wait. Now the official word is that it's too close to call. We'll give you final results...in about a month!"

Kirk; "I'm going to outwit Landru and save the planet."
Spock; "How will you accomplish that, sir?"
Kirk; "By giving it a problem it can';t possibly solve. Landru?"
Landru; "I am Landru. You will be absorbed into the Body."
Kirk; "I'll agree to that, if you can answer this question."
Landru; "Very well."
Kirk; "The question is............Pamela Anderson or Heather Locklear; who's the hotter chick?"
Landru; "That would be....uh.....well..Pam....no. Heath...No. Yes. Pamela...Heather....Pamela
....Heath-pAm-Heath-Pam-Heath-PammmmmmmmHeathaaaaaaaaUUUUUUHGGGHH!! Splat.
Kirk; "I told you I'd defeat Landru."
Spock; "Indeed, Captain. But, what is the correct answer?"
Kirk; "Don't get me started, Mister Spock!"

By Derf on Thursday, November 16, 2000 - 01:08 pm:

As young John Lang continues his quest to finish his Nit Knight training, we find him in the small cave of the Nit Knight Master, KAM Yoda.

KAM: That face you make, John Lang � look I so old to your eyes?
John: No, Master KAM.
KAM: I do, yes. Sick have I become, old and weak. When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not, hmm?
John: Master forgive me, but you mustn�t talk like that.
KAM: Soon I will rest � yes. Forever sleep. Earned it I have. But for now, lie down I must.
John: Master KAM, you can�t die.
KAM: Strong am I with the Nit force, but not that strong.
John: But I need your help. I�ve come back to complete my training.
KAM: No more training do you require. Already know you that which you need.
John: Then I AM a Nit Knight.
KAM: Ohhh � (cough-cough) Not yet � one thing remains. Anonymous � you MUST confront Anonymous. Then � only then, a Nit Knight will you be. And confront him you will.
John: Master KAM, IS Anonymous my father?
KAM: Rest I need, yes � rest.
John: Master, I must know.
KAM: (sigh) Your father it is, the Dark Lord of the Nit. Told you, did he? Unexpected this is, and unfortunate.
John: Unfortunate?! � that I know the truth?
KAM: No! � that you rush to face him � that incomplete was your training when you confronted his power � (cough-cough)
John: I�m sorry, Master �
KAM: Remember, a Nit Knight�s strength flows from the Nit force. But beware � anger, aggression,
stubbornness, hard-headedness, the Dark Side are they. (weakening) Once you start down the dark
path, (groan) forever will it dominate your destiny. (dying) John � John � do not underestimate the powers of the Nit Chief, or suffer your father�s fate you will � John � (choke) there � is another
(sputter) � Nit-picker � (dies)

By KAM Yoda on Friday, November 17, 2000 - 12:02 am:

May the Nits be with you.

By John A. Lang on Friday, November 17, 2000 - 01:01 am:

Derf:

Very amusing.

I'll keep those "notes" in mind.

Here's one from "Operation Annihilate!"

McCoy: I'm afraid your nephew must die.
Kirk: Why MUST he die?
McCoy: Your nephew is the son of Sam.

By John A. Lang on Friday, November 17, 2000 - 01:21 am:

Uhura (U): Hello, I wish to register a complaint.

(Cyrano Jones--(C)) does not respond.)

U: Hello, Miss?
C: What do you mean "miss"?
U: I'm sorry, I have a cold.I wish to make a complaint!
C: We're closin' for lunch.
U: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this tribble what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
C: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
U: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. He's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
C: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
U: Look, matey, I know a dead tribble when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
C: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable Tribble, the Norwegian Blue, aren'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
U: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
C: Nononono, no, no! He's resting!
U: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) Hello, Mister Polly Tribble! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle quadrotriticale for you if you show...(Cyrano hits the cage)
C: There, he moved!
U: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
C: I never!!
U: Yes, you did!
C: I never, never did anything...
U: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) HELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes tribble out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

U: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
C: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
U: STUNNED?!?
C: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
U: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely had enough of this. That tribble is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
C: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
U: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?
C: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable tribble, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
U: Look, I took the liberty of examining that tribble when I got it home,and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
C: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that tribble down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its mouth, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
U: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this tribble wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! He's bleedin' demised!
C: No no! 'E's pining!
U: He's not pinin'! He's passed on! This tribble is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, He rests in peace! If you had nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, He's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!!
This is an ex-Tribble!

By KAM on Friday, November 17, 2000 - 01:44 am:

Florida Democrat: Seven of Nine should get two ballots because she's possessed by the Doctor.

Chaotica!: I demand a recount! The voters were confused and voted for Pat Buchanon instead of me!

Jaresh Inyo: Those ballots were designed by Section 31.

Redshirted Voter: What does this lever do? (pulls it and is mauled by a Tiger, electrocuted with 47,000 votes and squished by a 16 ton weight)

By John A. Lang on Friday, November 17, 2000 - 02:17 am:

Oh...by the way...thanks for calling me "young"

I'm 37.

From "Friday's Child"

Kras: I am not aware of any hostilities between our people, Kirk. Or is it your policy to shoot Klingons on sight?

Kirk: As a matter of fact it is..(pulls out phasor...kills Kras)

Teer: Here, take our rocks...they're free...just don't shoot us with that thing!

By Anonymous on Friday, November 17, 2000 - 03:11 am:

Mr Lang, re-writing vast tracts of Python and substituting the occasional word is perhaps humorous once. After that it becomes dull. Desist.

BTW, in the Parrot/Tribble sketch you didn't even substitute all the necessary words anyway. Check.

By Derf on Friday, November 17, 2000 - 06:38 am:

(from "A Piece of the Action")
Kirk: Alright, Okxmyx, get on the blower and get Barrac and Arafat. Once the last two Bosses are here, we'll settle this thing.

By The Israeli Spelling Police on Friday, November 17, 2000 - 10:07 am:

It's 'Barak', not 'Barrac'.

By Will Spencer on Friday, November 17, 2000 - 11:18 am:

Tom Brokaw; "It is now stardate 1711.2000, and now, ten days after the occupation of the planet Bajor by the United Federation of Planets and the Cardassian Union...it's still too close to call. We'll let you know the results...next year!"

Bela Oxmyx; "So, Cap'n, what can I do for ya?"
Picard; "Isn't it obvious, Mister Oxmyx? I'm here to pick up the Fed's cut!"

7 of 9; "Seven times nine is...uh...seven times nine is...is...?"

Chakotay; "Kathryn, I realize you're only a woman, and you're lonely, but did you really have to result to a hologram for love?"
Holographic Chekov hugging Janeway; "End vhat is the problem vith that, Commander?"

McCoy; "I'm a Doctor, not a Floridian voter!"

Khan, after being sentenced to exile on Ceti Aplha V; "I demand a re-vote!"

By John A. Lang on Friday, November 17, 2000 - 11:31 am:

To Anon: OK, if it really bothers you, I will desist. I trust in all fairness, you will address other people who have done the same thing. I'm not the only one who has done it. Check.

"The Mirror Universe" lines....

Sarek: Drop dead and go broke!

Spock: Logical? Let's do it because it's fun!

By Matt on Friday, November 17, 2000 - 03:48 pm:

To Anonymous; Hey, if you don't want to read a full message, scroll down. I, personally, liked seeing the entire parrot skit transmorgified into a tribble parody. I say, good work, John A.! An incomplete skit is like eating the hamburger bun, but not the hamburger inside.

By Todd Pence on Wednesday, November 29, 2000 - 04:37 pm:

KIRK: When the Ekosian ambassador and his delegation come aboard, remember . . . don't mention the war!

By KAM on Thursday, November 30, 2000 - 01:08 am:

Didn't I post a joke yesterday? It seems to have vanished.

By KAM on Thursday, November 30, 2000 - 03:46 am:

Kirk: Spock, what happened to those planets?
Spock: They had to be removed to make space on the Universe's server.

Data: The level of civilization is so low they don't even know how to punch a hole in paper.
Picard: That's a terrible thing to say about south Florida.

By Will Pregnant Chad Spencer on Thursday, November 30, 2000 - 11:11 am:

"We are Chad of Borg; you will be assimilated and tabluated incorrectly. Again, and again, and again."

By Derf on Thursday, November 30, 2000 - 12:02 pm:

Kirk: (in response to Florida election history) It seems ... impossible - but ... there it is!

By ScottN on Thursday, November 30, 2000 - 12:19 pm:

The Borg:
We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is Futile.... Wait please, we are assimilating new information. Apparently you have successfully resisted assimilation several times in the past. Apparently resistance is not futile.

By John Lang on Friday, December 01, 2000 - 02:06 am:

From "The Man Trap"

FINALLY...a translation of what Uhura says to the African-American crewman (aka the salt vampire)

"Oh Chad, I really like your dimples"

;)

By Will Spencer on Friday, December 01, 2000 - 11:21 am:

Seela in 'Wolf In The Fold'; "...It is an ancient evil! Boratis! Kesslak! Red-Jack! Chad! Chad!!! CHAD!!!!!"

"We are the Borg; South Beach Florida will be assimilated. They will...oh, wait. There's nothing is useful there. Never mind."

Missing scene from 'The Savage Curtain'; instead of Abraham Lincoln appearing on the viewscreen, Bush and Gore elbow each other constantly, both claiming to be the President."

Kirk; "Ensign, your sensor scans are incomplete."
Ensign Kathryn Harrison; "So what? They'e close enough."

By Anonymous on Friday, December 01, 2000 - 01:26 pm:

Vedik Bareil: I won the election for Kai. Just check all those dimpled chads.

By Will Spencer on Friday, December 01, 2000 - 03:47 pm:

Spock; "Assuming we reach a starbase, you may file a complaint, Commodore Decker, but you are relieved."
Matt Decker; "I don't recognize your authority to relieve me; just check all those pregnant and hanging-door chads!"

By Hans Thielman on Monday, December 04, 2000 - 01:22 pm:

La Forge: Captain, we have a chad buildup on the nacelles.

By KAM on Tuesday, December 05, 2000 - 12:58 am:

Dr. Crusher: Chad, I'm afraid you're pregnant.
Chad: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

By Spockania on Thursday, December 07, 2000 - 12:03 am:

The initial proposed voiceover for the DS9 opening:

(Sisko's voice)
"Space . . . It is big. We are small. These are the rotations of the space station Deep Space Nine. Our continuous mission; to stay in one place, to serve as the rest stop on the highway to the Gamma Quadrant, to wait for Starfleet to send us a ship so we can go gallivanting off!"

By Derf on Friday, December 15, 2000 - 07:03 am:

(We find Reginald Barclay inside one of his many holodeck fantasies)

Geordi: Well, how did you become Captain, then?
Picard: The Lady of the Lake, her arms clad in the most shimmering semite, held aloft Excaliber from the bussom of the water, signifying that I, Picard, should carry Excaliber. THAT is why I am your Captain!
Barclay: Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is NO basis for commanding a starship. Supreme Captain's power is derived by a mandate from the Admirals, not some farcical aquatic cerimony. You can't expect to wield Supreme Captain's power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
Picard: Be QUIET!!
Barclay: Look, if I went 'round saying I was an Admiral just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Picard: (grabbing Barclay) BE QUIET!
Barclay: Oh, NOW we see the violence inherent in the system! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Help - help - I'm being repressed!

By norman on Sunday, December 17, 2000 - 05:21 pm:

Kathryn Janeway: Tom Paris, by the election on the starship Voyager, I hearby declare you the one to earn a promotion and reinstate you as Lieutenant!

Harry Kim: I protest. I demand a recount. Decks 8, 9, and 10 have old, outdated voting machines. And those from Astrometrics claimed they were blocked enterance to the polls.

Kathrerine Janeway (putting on a Katherine Harris wig): By the laws of the Federation, it is in my discretion in denying any petitions for recount from those decks.

By norman on Sunday, December 17, 2000 - 05:44 pm:

Neelix, the Reporter: We now resume coverage of the election deadlock between incumbent Federation Captain Katherine Janeway and Maquis First Officer Chakotay. I'm joined today by two holograms to discuss what's going on.

Hologram #1: Thank you, Neelix. Katherine Janeway can try all she can to change the outcome. She is in complete denial. Let's take a look at the last six years and the record is clear. She put the ship in mortal danger a great number of times. She allowed Kes to destroy parts of the ship even though she knew it was going to happen. She has conducted a number of temporal violations. She made a contract with the Borg and allowed the destruction of many different species. And has recently called for Normal Trading Relations with them, too! And let's not forget her hypocrisy on not trading technology-- when she did that with the Hirogen! She went to great lengths to trade hologram technology, creating new life in effect, yet doesn't even ask the Hirogen or those holograms technology that could get us home! And let's not forget the Hologram scandal. When she should've been in the Captain's chair, she chose to have sex in the Holosuite, making everyone have to explain Holosuite sex to Naomi Wildman.

Hologram #2: Oh, and you're forgetting Chakotay, who risked Voyager when activating a Borg cube so some Borg he slept with and her brethen be like Borg again? And are you forgetting he is a criminal in the eyes of the Federation-- all the atrocities Tuvok has witnessed? And what has he done the last three years, anyway, except have dream fights on the Holodeck and have a lover we have by convenience all forgotten about? He's an empty suit and we'd have no leadership on the Starship. And have we forgotten about the Seska incident?

Doctor: I'm sorry. Can I interrupt for a second? Everyone seems to have forgotten about my candidacy? As the ECH, I will see that the ship is secured twenty four hours a day. I never sleep! And talk about scandals! Corporate crime with every planet we meet. Coups occurring thanks to our intervention! Why do you think the Delta Quadrant calls up the "Ship of Death?" I think it's time for new leaderhip on Voyager.

Seven of Nine: I concur as his running mate.

Neelix: But Doctor, you only got two percent of the vote . . .

Tom Paris: And may I add, if it wasn't for your run, we wouldn't be in this mess and we'd be riding smoothly with a new Janeway term.

Harry Kim: I'm sorry, but what were the issues in the race again?

The rest of Voyager: Shut up!

Seven of Nine: Elections are irrelevant.

By Derf on Sunday, December 17, 2000 - 06:28 pm:

(are there NO old fogey-types like me out there can recognize a BLATANT Python sketch? ... or are we still in an election joke-mode?)
OK ... I'll satisfy both

3 Headed-Bush: Halt! Who goes there!
Gore: It is but I, Sir Gore. I wish only to pass.
3 Headed-Bush: I think not!
Gore: Well ... I AM a Knight of the Round Dimple.
1st Head: In that case I shall have to kill you!
2nd Head: No, let's have crumpets and tea.
1st Head: I say let's cut off his head!
3rd Head: Oh, cut your own head off!
2nd head: I say let's be nice to him.
1st&3rd Head: Shut up!

By norman on Monday, December 18, 2000 - 12:49 am:

Kirk (in the middle of a space battle with the Klingons, close up on him and we hear what he's thinking):

I can't take it anymore! I am tired of the Klingons. As soon as this is over, I'll go on priceline.com. Get space ship tickets, hotels on Risa, rental shuttles. And when this battle is done, I am gone, baby. I am gone!

Old Grand Nagus: Rom is the new Grand Nagus!

Quark: I demand a recount!

Rom (all excited): I'm so excited. And as the new Grand Nagus, let me say that we will not allow the Dominion and other terrorists keep Ferengar hostile!

By KAM on Monday, December 18, 2000 - 01:21 am:

First Aaaa'Aaaa'Choo (Jem'Hadar): I have killed the enemies of the Dominion.
Gazoonhite (Vorta): They appear merely dimpled.
First Aaaa'Aaaa'Choo: You insult my honor. (vaporises Vorta) Victory is life!

Quark (seeing one of the new Ferengi Headliner figures): A small body & oversized head? That's a racial stereotype & I'm filing a discrimination lawsuit!

Bumper Stickers
Klingon: I (heart) Pain

Dominion: Honk if you love The Founders

Bajoran: Epiphany is when you realize that Sisko IS The Emissary!

By Derf on Monday, December 18, 2000 - 12:37 pm:

Picard: Now that you've sealed your Admiralship, Admiral Bush, which lowly-but-loyal person will you place on your staff?
Admiral-to-be Bush: Well, let's think about this, pardner ... if I'is to put you on my staff, wouldn't that tick-off the "English-with-a-French-Accent" group?

By ScottN on Monday, December 18, 2000 - 12:59 pm:

[any character]: Oy Vey!

By ScottN on Monday, December 18, 2000 - 01:01 pm:

And, at the risk of repeating myself (I don't remember if the early boards got lost in the crash, and I'm too d*mn lazy to go look )...


Kirk: Bones! This man needs medical attention!
McCoy: D*mn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a... oh, yeah, be right there.

By Will Spencer on Tuesday, December 19, 2000 - 11:06 am:

Kira; "Commander, long range sensors show ten Dominion ships on an intercept course for the station!"
Sisko; "Sound red alert! Have Captain Burton stow the Spindrift in hanger one, and Professor Robinson and the Jupiter 2 in hanger 2. Alert Captain Apollo; Vipers to launch on my command.
Inform the Tracys that we might need the services of Thunderbirds One, Two and Three. Has the Seaview been outfitted with warp drive, old man?"
Jadzia; "They have, Benjamin."
Sisko; "Then the Seaview will bring up the rear, alongside the seaQuest and Red Squadron's X-Wings."

Borg; "We are the Borg. You will surrender and be assimilated."
Picard; "I don't know the meaning of surrender."
Borg; "You will be destroyed if you do not surrender."
Picard; "No, I mean I don't know what 'sur-ren-der' means. Is that a French word, or something?"

McCoy; "Dammit, Jim, I'm a Doctor not a chad!"

McCoy; "Dammit, Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a Vampire Slayer!"

By KAM on Wednesday, December 20, 2000 - 12:45 am:

Captain Bateman: Computer, tossed salad & scrambled eggs.

Communications person: Captain, I have Starfleet on a priority channel.
Bateman: Hello Starfleet, I'm listening.

Bateman (after a disasterous encounter with his greatest enemy)
Bateman: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!!!

Bateman (walks into 10 Forward & sees Guinan): Didn't you use to date Sam Malone?

Science Officer: Captain, the ship has accidentally created a tear in the space/time continuum.
Bateman: We have to fix it.
Science Officer: How?
Bateman: By using the Space Needle, of course.

By Will Spencer on Wednesday, December 20, 2000 - 11:09 am:

Captain Harriman; "Send a priority One message to Starfleet Headquarters, Lieutenant; the Enterprise-B will be unable to accept further missions, now that I've broken a nail."

Captain Harriman; "You know, Deela, I've been compared to Captain James Kirk as quite a lady's man."
Deela; "Captain, I knew James Kirk. I slept with James Kirk. Captain; you are no James Kirk."

Kirk; "My greatest foe was probably Kor."
Picard; "My greatest foe was Q."
Sisko; "My greatest foe would be Gul Dukat."
Janeway; "My greatest foe is undoubtedly the Borg Queen."
Harriman; "My greatest foe was my maid."

Harriman; "Captain's log, stardate 9994.27; the Enterprise-B has been on active duty now for 3 and a half years. I'm looking forward to FINALLY getting our tractor beam installed next Tuesday, because Lt.Quark promised me a good deal."

By Derf on Wednesday, December 20, 2000 - 12:52 pm:

from ST2: TWOK - when Spcok presents Kirk with his birthday present)

Kirk: The only thing I want is GUNS! GUNS ... so that the name of Kirk will be hanging on everyone's lips!
Spock: The guns will be here El Guapo ... but I think you will like what I have for you. Several cargo carriers await us ... each one filled with tribbles.
Kirk: MANY tribbles?
Spock: Oh, YES! MANY tribbles!
Kirk: Would you say I have a "plethora" of tribbles?
Spock: (thinks a minute) Oh, yes ... you have a plethora.
Kirk: Jefe, what is a "plethora"?
Spock: A what?!
Kirk: A "ple-thor-a"?
Spock: What do you mean, El Guapo?
Kirk: You just told me I have a plethora of tribbles. I would hate to think that someone told me I have a plethora, and find out THAT person has no idea what it means to have a plethora!

By John Lang on Wednesday, December 20, 2000 - 01:25 pm:

Kirk: Look, Bones! It's Santa!
McCoy: Where?
Kirk: (pointing) Over there! See him? The jolly, fat man in the red suit!
McCoy: Nah, that's Scotty.

By Derf on Wednesday, December 20, 2000 - 01:34 pm:

Ho-ho-ho ... yah laddies!! Would you like a wee nip of scotch whiskey?

By KAM, the red-nosed poster on Wednesday, December 20, 2000 - 11:28 pm:

Santa: Beam me up, Scotty.

Rudolph: Sensors are detecting who's naughty & who's nice.

Koloth: What's this Tribble doing in my stocking?

By Derf on Thursday, December 21, 2000 - 06:38 am:

(from ST4: TVH)

McCoy: Professor Scott, take it easy. Dr. Nichols has volunteered to take us around the plant personally.
Scotty: He has? ... well, that's different.
(The tour begins)
Dr. Nichols: You'll notice that we no longer fabricate plastics, Professor Scott, but have restructured our plant to making hot dogs.
Over here is the baloney-skin color vats we dip our franks into ... and in this area we attach the health disclaimer ...

(later)

Dr. Nichols: I hope you enjoyed your tour.
Scotty: Aye, laddie. I was walking in a weiner wonderland.

By Will Spencer on Thursday, December 21, 2000 - 11:20 am:

Charlie Brown; "Can't somebody here tell me what Christmas is all about?!"
Linus; "I can tell you what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown. Lights, please; Christmas...is about GETTING ALL KINDS OF STAR TREK BOOKS AND TAPES AND VIDEOS AND T-SHIRTS AND..."

Data; "Good grief!"

Picard; "Will Riker you blockhead!"

By Derf on Thursday, December 21, 2000 - 09:03 pm:

I was "Walking in a Weiner Wonderland" ... see, the reason that's funny is because ... oh ... never mind ...

By Anonymous on Tuesday, December 26, 2000 - 06:21 pm:

We are Paklids. We vote for Gore.

By ANONYMOUS BETA on Wednesday, December 27, 2000 - 01:38 pm:

KORAX from TROUBLE WITH TRIBBLES:
"The Earthers like those funny things, don't they? Well, frankly, I never liked Earthers. They remind me of Regulan Blood Worms. Wait; I just remembered! There is one Earth man who doesn't remind me of a Regulan Blood Worm! That's George Dubya Bush! A Regulan Blood Worm is soft and shapeless. But Bush isn't soft. Dubya might be a swaggering, over-bearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of Godhood, but he isn't soft!"

By KAM on Thursday, December 28, 2000 - 02:02 am:

Uhura (examining her Tribble): Made in China.

McCoy: This Tribble is made out of Polyestor.

McCoy: This man is a Changeling!

Sisko (to the Prophets): Linear time is like recounting votes, each time a million different things can happen...

By KAM on Friday, December 29, 2000 - 04:55 am:

Provider 1: I win your Thall was defeated!
Provider 2: I do not concede! My Thall was merely dimpled, not punctured!
Provider 1: Ah, but the intent of my Thall was to...
Provider 3: Every time it's the same dumb argument! If I had legs I'd be out of here so fast!

By Will Spencer on Friday, December 29, 2000 - 10:47 am:

Spock; "My favorite musician is Axl Rose."

Captain Harriman; "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT MISTER RODGERS HAS RETIRED???!!!!!!"

Sisko; "When you listen to the 1980's hit, 'I Think We're Alone Now',...that is a Tiffany."

Scotty; "She can't take anymore, Cap'n! She's ready to blow apart!"
Kirk; "Never mind, Mister Scott! Put more ketchup on my burger now!"

Scotty enters the rec room with an armload of tribbles; "Aye, they're into the machinery now!"
Spock; "Oh, no! Not my Nintendo System!?"

Kirk observes Cyrano Jones entering the room with his hands full. "Ah, Mister Jones, with an arm load!"
Jones; "I have no idea where this pornography came from."

Cop; "Excuse me, sir, but have you been drinking?"
Picard; "Ish jussh a lit--l'il bit o' Earl Grey Vodka. UHUH, I mean tea! Yes, Earl Grey Booze. No, I means tea. Tea. Tee-hee-hee-hee!"
Cop; "Step out of your starship for a moment, please, sir."

On the last episode of 'Voyager':
Paris; "We're home! That's Earth, Captain! Now entering standard orbit around Earth!"
Janeway; "Not so fast, Tom. I'm not sure that's really Earth. Let's just keep travelling for another couple of years, just to be sure, then we'll turn around."

Chekov on the bridge of the Enterprise-B; "Scotty, how the hell deed Keptin Harriman ever make it to 'keptin', let alone the Enterpise-B????"
Scotty; "I heard it hadda do with dimpled chads, yaddie."

Al Gore; "I invented transwarp drive."

Tuvok in an Oil of Olay commercial; "How old do you think I am?"

McDonald's commerical on Vulcan; "We love to see you smile!"

Clinton to Imperial Chekov in the Agony Booth; "I feel your pain!"

Imperial Spock applies an agonizer to Worf, who looks down at it, as it buzzes at full intensity, burning away his shirt.
Worf; "That tickles."

Imperial McCoy; "I'm a barbarian, not a doctor!"

Imperial Sulu to Data; "Here! Take my s t u p i d cat! He gave me this horrible scar on my face!"
Data; "Thank you. I will call him 'Spot'."

Flint; "sigh! Not another birthday card! After 6000 years of Hallmark cards I think I've had enough!"

Picard; "Engage running-shoe drive!"

Uhura is recovering from her brain drain caused by Nomad, and has to learn not only how to speak and read again, but all about her personality:
Sulu; "Well, for starters, you and I were lovers."
Uhura; "Really?"
Sulu; "Oh, sure! And you especially like to wear sexy lingerie on the bridge."
Uhura; "Oh, okay."
Chekov; "And I am your second boyfriend!"
Sulu; "But only on Mondays and Tuesdays."
Uhura; "Oh, that's nice."
Sulu; "And you also love to clean our rooms, and give us back rubs, and give us half your pay."
Kirk; "Sulu...you're pushing it."
Sulu; "Sorry, sir."
Kirk; "I'M the ONLY one that Uhura gives back rubs to!"

By KAM Warning if you are sick & tired of election jokes skip the first 2 on Sunday, December 31, 2000 - 05:27 am:

Data: Computer, who is responsible for the most jokes?
Computer: Al Gore.
Data: I meant someone who told jokes, not was a joke.

Spock: I'm afraid we cannot so easily destroy this computer, captain. It is so intelligent, it can determine the final number of Pi in 47 seconds.
Kirk: Computer, calculate the year 2000 US Presidential election, using the Al Gore parameters.
(computer explodes)

Mrs. Mudd: Norman!
Norman: Yes, mother?

By Derf on Tuesday, January 02, 2001 - 06:41 am:

Scotty: (awaking on medtable) Uhura! I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt the country was taken over by a madman!!
Uhura: (stroking Scotty's cheek) Scotty, George is not a madman.
Scotty: He's not?!
Uhura: No, he's just let us get in touch with our inner feelings.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 02, 2001 - 12:33 pm:

Admiral Ross: Get me this Ted. Play hardball. Send him a fruit basket.

By William Spencer on Wednesday, January 03, 2001 - 11:27 am:

Howard Stern; "I am a genius. I single-handedly changed sub-space radio!"

Janeway; "Shields up, Baba-booey!"

Odo; "Momma mia, thatsa spicy meat ball!"

Picard; "Mr.Gilligan; engage, Li'l Buddy!"

Kirk; "Lock phasers on the new Volkswagen Beetle, and fire!"

Khan; "But, you...I never forget a face...Mister...Simpson."
Homer; "D'OH!"

By Mr. Wells on Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 07:07 am:

Garak: Were you out with a lady alien last night, sir? Did she want it, sir? Oooh, suit you, sir! Oooh!

By Anonymous on Thursday, January 04, 2001 - 07:21 am:

Sisko: (to Dax) They're Cardassians. Don't mention the War.

Worf: I am Weasel!

O'Brien: (singing) Wise man say / Only fools rush in / But I can't help / Falling in love with you...

Janeway: (menacingly) Who's been letting my ship down? Who can't handle the pressure of going home? It's time to vote off... The Weakest Link!!!
[later]
Janeway: Chakotay! Why Neelix?
Chakotay: Well... he's been trying to poison us again with his cooking.
Janeway: Seven! Why Neelix?
7of9: Neelix is irrelevant. He does not understand the meaning of efficiency.
Janeway: Well, you didn't have a good episode yourself, did you Seven? Circumventing another of my orders yet again. Neelix did in fact bank the most letters of complaint. But it is votes that count, Neelix you *are* the weakest link - goodbye.

By Keith Alan Morgan (Kmorgan) on Tuesday, January 09, 2001 - 05:49 am:

Kirk (in bar): Hey... baby... What's... your... sign?

Oh, not that kind of "Line you would never hear"? ;-)

Scotty: No bloody A, B, C, or D!
Scotty's teacher: You have to take the Multiple Choice test like the rest of the class, young man.

Unused theme for Drive
Here he comes, here comes Tom Paris, He's a demon at warp...

B'Elanna: Ohhhh, Tom

By Derf on Tuesday, January 09, 2001 - 01:45 pm:

Geordi: I can't seem to gain access to the main warp-drive grid!
Wesley: Have you logged in?
Geordi: Yes!
Wesley: Have you filled in and submitted your registration form?
Geordi: No, is that important?

By Hans Thielman on Thursday, January 11, 2001 - 04:22 pm:

Bashir: Computer, activate the Vic Fontaine program.

Computer: That program is not available.

Bashir (irritated): Computer, why is the program not available?

Computer: The Vic Fontaine holocharacter has been transmitted to Earth to perform at the presidential inaugural balls.

By Adam Bomb on Thursday, January 11, 2001 - 07:48 pm:

I'll take Vic over Ric(ky Martin, who is actually performing on 1/20) anytime. I also heard ZZ Top is playing, which almost makes up for it. THE RAT PACK RULES.

By John A. Lang on Tuesday, January 16, 2001 - 01:44 am:

Kirk (at Rura Penthe): Who killed Gorkon?
Martia: The gunmen behind the fence at the grassy knoll.

By ScottN on Tuesday, January 16, 2001 - 08:51 pm:

Kirk (at Rura Penthe): Who killed Gorkon?
Klingon Prison Wardon: That's for me to know and for you to find out! Nyah, nyah, nyah!

By KAM on Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 02:41 am:

Kirk (at Rura Penthe): Who killed Gorkon?
The Master: The Doctor, of course.
Kirk: Doctor who?
Master: Precisely.

By ScottN on Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 09:55 am:

Kirk (on Rura Penthe, as the guards find them, and Kirk is staring at a Klingon Guard dog): Who let the dogs out?

By Will Spencer on Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 11:17 am:

Kirk; "Who killed Gorkon?"
Klingon; "Yes."
Kirk; "Yes? Who?"
Klingon; "Who."
Kirk; "What?"
Klingon; "No, What killed a Romulan."
Kirk; "I don't know."
Klingon; "No, I-Don't-Know killed a Tholian."
Kirk; "I want to know who killed Gorkon, not who killed a Romulan or a Tholian!"
Klingon; "I already told you."
Kirk; "Told me what?"
Klingon; "What killed a Romulan."
Kirk; "What Romulan?!"
Klingon; "What's a Klingon."
Kirk; "You're a Klingon!"
Klingon; "Yes, but I'm not Who."
Kirk; "You're not who? What? You're not a Romulan or a Tholian."
Klingon; "I know. So what is your point?"
Kirk; "SIGH!!! I forget."
Klingon; "No, I Forget killed an Andorian."
Kirk; "AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! DIE, KLINGON!!!!"

By ScottN on Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 12:21 pm:

Oh No! Another "Thread that wouldn't die!"

By Hans Thielman on Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 12:43 pm:

Kirk: Who killed Gorkon?
Agent Scully: I don't know. But how he got killed is scientifically impossible.

By Will Spencer on Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 03:46 pm:

Kirk; "Who killed Gorkon?"
Klingon; "A pickle factory."
Kirk; "That's a gherkin, not Gorkon."
Klingon; "Oh. Never mind., then."

Kirk; "Who killed Gorkon?"
Klingon; "Wesley Crusher."
Kirk; "Wesley hasn't even been born yet!"
Klingon; "Who cares? Let's blame the brat, anyway!"

Spock looks in the mirror, and is about to comb his hair, when he realizes his hair is perfect. "I am one sexy Vulcan dude!!

By KAM who has an alibi, yeah, thats it on Thursday, January 18, 2001 - 03:34 am:

Kirk: Who killed Gorkon?

Marsha Clark: O.J. Simpson

The Warren Commission: Lee Harvey Oswald

Boulder Colorado policeman: John & Patsey Ramsey

Hillary Clinton: A vast right wing conspiracy

Richard Kimball: The one-armed man

Bart Simpson: I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove I did it.

(Klingons planning Gorkon's assassination)
Klingon 1: Who should we get to kill Gorkon?
Klingon 2: Let's get Mikey!

By ScottN on Thursday, January 18, 2001 - 11:49 am:

Johnny Cochrane (at Kirk&McCoy's trial): If the boots don't fit, you must acquit!

By Dallas on Thursday, January 18, 2001 - 01:08 pm:

Who killed Gorkon?
The same one who shot J.R.! (the baaastud!)

By KAM on Friday, January 19, 2001 - 03:39 am:

Kirk: Who killed Gorkon?
Britney Spears: Oops, I did it again.

By Spockania on Friday, January 19, 2001 - 10:16 am:

Kirk: Who killed Gorkon?
Warden: Since you are all going to die anyway, why tell you? Shoot them all!

By Giveaway on Friday, January 19, 2001 - 12:08 pm:

(pssst .. by the way ... the correct answer is General Chang)
Everyone else looking for ironic counterpoint, or satiric juxta-position, or comedic relief, or relevant metaphor, or ...

By KAM on Sunday, January 21, 2001 - 01:14 am:

So Gorkon was really killed by eating poisoned chicken?

Paris (singing to B'Elanna): You're having my baby, what a lovely way to say I forgot to take my injections...

By Will I-didnt-do-it! Spencer on Monday, January 22, 2001 - 11:23 am:

Kirk; "Who killed Gorkon?"
Wayne; "Gorkon was killed?!"
Kirk; "Yes."
Wayne; "No, way!"
Kirk; "Way."
Wayne; "NO-WAY?!"
Kirk; "Way!"
Wayne; "Excellent!"
Kirk; "I think you killed Gorkon, Wayne."
Wayne; "Yea. And monkeys might fly outta my butt!"

Kirk; "Who killed Gorkon?"
Boris Batanov; "I tink it vas Moose and Squirrel!"

Kirk; "Who killed Gorkon?"
Madona; "I did. And he had a smile on his face!"

Sisko; "Look at that!"
Kira; "Look at what?"
Sisko; "HAHAHA! Made you look!"

Kira; "I just got the new Britney Spears album!"
Dax; "What's it called?"
Kira; "'I killed Gorkon'."

By ScottN on Monday, January 22, 2001 - 11:46 am:

Kirk: Who killed Gorkon?
Spock: Not me!
Sulu: Not me!
Scotty: Not me!
McCoy: Not me!
Uhura: Not me!
Chekov: Not me!
[etc...]

By Derf on Monday, January 22, 2001 - 12:22 pm:

Curly: Hey, Moe ... who killed Gorkon? I think it was Brigadier Kharla.
Moe: You Lame-Brain! (eye-poke)
Curly: Ow!! mmmm ... I STILL think it was Brigadier Kharla!
Moe: Oh? ... (tries the eye-poke, but Curly holds his hand up in front of his face)
Curly: Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk ...
Moe: (holds up hand) Pick out two.

By Anonymous on Monday, January 22, 2001 - 02:48 pm:

Saturday Night Live news anchor: Chancellor Gorkon is still dead.

By KAM on Tuesday, January 23, 2001 - 04:47 am:

(Q'onoS, we see a Klingon pulling a cart)
Cart-Puller: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
(We see Chang carrying Gorkon)
Gorkon: But I'm not dead.
Chang: Yes you are.
Gorkon: No, I'm not.
Chang: Well, you'll be dead soon.
Cart-Puller: I'm sorry, sir, but I can't take someone who's not dead yet.
Chang: When will you be back?
Cart-Puller: Not for weeks, sir.
Chang: I can't wait that long. What'll I do?
(At that moment someone steps in front of the movie projecter & when he steps away Gorkon is dead. Camera pulls back to reveal Kirk sitting in the audience.)
Kirk: Who killed Gorkon?

By Will Spencer on Tuesday, January 23, 2001 - 11:31 am:

Kirk; "Who killed Gorkon?"
Sherlock Holmes; "I will indubitubly discover the foul culprit, Captain."
Perry Mason; "And he will be prosecuted by me."

Kirk; "Who killed Gorkon?"
Skipper; "GILLIGAN!"
Gilligan; "Oops. Sorry."

Kirk; "Who killed Gorkon?"
The Chief; "Didn't you try to once, Max?"
Maxwell Smart; "Yes. But, I missed him by that much!"

Kirk; "Who killed Gorkon?"
Sulu; "It must have been Oprah; that face is enough to kill anyone!"

The Rock; "Who do you think killed Gorkon?"
Kirk; "Well, I'd say--"
The Rock; 'IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, JABRONI! The Rock says, Gorkon was killed by Triple H and his monkey breath!"

By Barf Joke on Tuesday, January 23, 2001 - 06:17 pm:

How can you KILL Gorkon when the bottle is empty and there's no need to keep the Gorkon?

By John A. Lang on Wednesday, January 24, 2001 - 01:44 am:

Who killed Gorkon?

Was it Col. Mustard with the pipe-wrench in the billiard room?

By KAM, charged with assault with a deadly joke on Wednesday, January 24, 2001 - 02:13 am:

Nit! Perry Mason was a DEFENSE Attorney, not a Prosecuter. ;-)

Kirk: Who killed Gorkon?
Snoopy: The cat next door.

Lucy: Charlie Brown tried to kill Gorkon, but I pulled him away at the last minute.
Charlie Brown: Good grief!

Geordi: Hugh killed Gorkon.
Kirk: I killed Gorkon?
Geordi: No, not you, Hugh.
Kirk: Not me, but me?


Geordi: Hugh killed Gorkon with a bottle of soda.
Kirk: Yoo-Hoo?
Geordi: Yes. While practicing Jamaican magic.
Kirk: Voodoo?
Geordi: He also recieved a slight injury.
Kirk: A Boo-boo?
Geordi: Yes. However he was temporarily insane.
Kirk: He's cuckoo?
Geordi: Why else would he be wearing a Hawaiian dress?
Kirk: A Moo-moo?
Geordi: And believing he was a female British singer of the 1960's.
Kirk: Lulu?
Geordi: He's extremely remorseful, though. He was just crying about it.
Kirk: Well, boo-hoo.

By ScottN on Wednesday, January 24, 2001 - 09:54 am:

Cartman: They killed Gorkon! Those B**TARDS!

By Will Spencer on Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 11:13 am:

Elmer Fudd; "Be very, very quiet! I'm hunting Gorkons! Heheheheheh!"

Butthead; "Killing Gorkon is cool!"
Beavis; "Yea! Cool! Heh! Heh-heh!"
Butthead; "Uh-huh-huh."
Beavis; "Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Um. Heh!"
Butthead; "Uh-huh-huh-huh."

Kirk; "Gorkon is dead."
Store keeper; "He's ain't dead, squire! He's just pining for the fjords!"

Gorkon; "Sock it to me! Sock it to me! Sock it to--AARRGGH!"
Ruth Buzzi; "Well, he asked for it!"

Monty Hall; "Well, Mary what's it going to be? The prize behind Door Number 1? The prize behind Door Number 2? Or the prize behind Door Number 3?"
Mary; "I'll take Door Number 2!"
Monty Hall; "Okay. Johnny, tell her what she's won!"
Johnny; "It's a brand new.....dead Gorkon! Yes, sir, Monty, and it comes with all the features that Acme is known for their dead Gorkons since 1992!"

Kirk; "Who killed Gorkon?"
Sally Solomon; "The High-Commander!"
Dick; "I-DID-NOT! It was...Harry!"
Harry; "Aaaaaw, Dick, I was just playing Put The Tail On The Klingon! I didn't know he'd blow up! Oh, wait. Yes, I did."

By Derf on Thursday, January 25, 2001 - 12:14 pm:

(sung to the tune of Monty Python's Holy Grail song "Knights of the Round Table")

We're Assassins of the Round Saucer Section,
We sing without inflection.
We'll do what it takes -
For covert's sakes -
We'll even put the pork-on ...

I ... have ... to ... kill ... the ... Gork-on!!

By Keith Alan Morgan (Kmorgan) on Friday, January 26, 2001 - 01:23 am:

Space Shanty: What do you do with a dead Gorkon?
What do you do with a dead Gorkon?
What do you do with a dead Gorkon?
Early in the morning?

Kirk: Who killed Gorkon?
Harry Kim: Why don't you wait till he comes back to life & ask him?

By picky-picky on Friday, January 26, 2001 - 12:24 pm:

>Geordi: Hugh killed Gorkon with a bottle of soda.
Kirk: Yoo-Hoo? <

Nit - Yoo-hoo's not a soda!

By Derf on Monday, January 29, 2001 - 12:58 pm:

Bum-bum-babba-dum � Bahhh bum-bum-bum � Babba-dum,
Bum-bum-babba-dum � Bahhh bum-bum-bum � Babba-dum -
The party was jumpin' when Be�lanna got off o' her stump,
The claxons were blowin' and everybody did the "Bump".
But all the time Be�lanna had been workin' on her goodie,
Now folks call it "The Be�lanna Butt Boogie".
When Be�lanna Butt did her goodie,
She started "The Be�lanna Butt Boogie".
No question.
Bum-bum-babba-dum � Bahhh bum-bum-bum � Babba-dum,
Bum-bum-babba-dum � Bahhh bum-bum-bum � Babba-dum -

By Derf on Monday, January 29, 2001 - 01:00 pm:

(May I offer a more appropriate update)

Bum-bum-babba-dum � Bahhh bum-bum-bum � Babba-dum,
Bum-bum-babba-dum � Bahhh bum-bum-bum � Babba-dum -
The Warp Core was jumpin' when Be�lanna got off o' her stump,
The claxons were blowin' and everybody did the "Bump".
But all the time Be�lanna had been workin' on her goodie,
Now folks call it "The Be�lanna Butt Boogie".
When Be�lanna Butt did her goodie,
She started "The Be�lanna Butt Boogie".
No question.
Bum-bum-babba-dum � Bahhh bum-bum-bum � Babba-dum,
Bum-bum-babba-dum � Bahhh bum-bum-bum � Babba-dum -

By KAM on Thursday, February 08, 2001 - 02:47 am:

Unused scene in Time's Arrow, Part II
(We see Picard tapping in a code on Data's head)
Data: I'm detecting a message. (loads message)
I am going crazy.
I am going crazy.
I am going crazy.
I am going crazy.
I am going crazy.
I am going crazy.
I am going crazy.
I am going crazy.
(runs till commercial break ;-)

(Still seeking an answer, Kirk interviews Gorkon's College Roomies From Hell!!!)
Kirk: Who killed Gorkon?
April: I was going to do it, but smarter, wiser, floating me talked me out of it.
Marsha: All I did was offer him brownies.
Margaret: I was practicing shooting my Miracle Shotgun blindfolded. If he got in the way, it's his fault!
Dave: (looking at Mike) I think someone got a little tentacle happy.
Mike: (looking at Dave) Maybe you blasted him because he wanted to turn Chester into taco filling?
Roger: Oh, boy! Another nonsense contest!

By GCapp on Thursday, February 08, 2001 - 11:06 pm:

Lost line opportunity from "I, Mudd":

Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scott, Chekov, Uhura and Mudd have been discussing how to defeat the androids.

"Now, Harry," Kirk reminded him haranguingly, "if you don't come through for us, your name is going to be mud."

Mudd nodded meekly, then realized something.

"Isn't it already?!"

Kirk catches himself. "By gosh, you're right! It is!"

By Derf on Tuesday, February 13, 2001 - 10:43 am:

Work all night on di-lith-ium, (alpha-quad come and me wan go home)
Stretch warp-speed �til the morning come. (alpha-quad come and me wan go home)
Come Mister Paris-man, marry-me B�lanna, (alpha-quad come and me wan go home)
Come Mister Paris-man, marry me B�lanna. (alpha-quad come and me wan go home)

Day, easy Voyager-o (alpha-quad come and me wan go home)
Day, easy Voyager-o (alpha-quad come and me wan go home)

By KAM on Wednesday, February 14, 2001 - 01:09 am:

And Q shows up in a black & white striped outfit and says, "It's show time!"

By Derf on Wednesday, February 14, 2001 - 10:24 pm:

No, no ... Picard shows up in his dress whites and black-beaded bald-headed dealy-whig thing from "First Contact" and says "It's show time!"

By norman on Thursday, February 15, 2001 - 12:38 am:

Troi (possessed by the Paxons' Representative): And we would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling Federation and your android, too!

By Will Spencer on Thursday, February 15, 2001 - 11:14 am:

If Kirk were was Boston:
"Good morning, Mista Spack."

If Kirk were gay;
"Well...hello...Spock." (Winking)

If Kirk had buck teeth;
"Whaf if thif report about, Mifter Fpock?"

If Kirk and Spock were brothers;
"Mother always liked you better!"

By ScottN on Thursday, February 15, 2001 - 11:42 am:

If Kirk were played by Daffy Duck:

Thhhhhhhpock, you're dethhhhpicable!

By Will Meep Spencer on Thursday, February 15, 2001 - 03:31 pm:

If Spock was a Road Runner;
Kirk; "Spock, give me a sensor scan."
Spock; "Meep! Meep!"
Kirk; "Pardon me?"
Spock; "Meep! Meep!"
Kirk; "What does that mean?"
Spock; "Meep-Meep! Meep meep!"
Kirk; "I still don't understand."
Scott; "Cap'n, I think he means we're about to be attacked by Acme warships!"
Spock; "Meep-meep!"

By ScottN on Thursday, February 15, 2001 - 04:29 pm:

If McCoy were played by Sylvester the Cat:

Thhhufferin' Thhhuccotash, Thhpock! Logic ithhn't the anthwer to everything!

Oh, wait, he says that already, just without the lisp.

By ScottN, bringing over a bad joke from LICC on Thursday, February 15, 2001 - 04:37 pm:

Revisiting an earlier post:

Chakotay: Computer, activate self-destruct sequence.
Computer: Hi! I'm a 30 second self-destruct sequence!
Computer: Hi! I'm a 29 second self-destruct sequence!
Computer: Hi! I'm a 28 second self-destruct sequence!
...

By Derf on Thursday, February 15, 2001 - 08:43 pm:

ScottN ... you're right, it IS a BAD joke from LICC ...

By KAM on Friday, February 16, 2001 - 03:42 am:

Scotty: Captain! The board's too big! She canna take another post!

By Not Mort Kondracke on Monday, February 19, 2001 - 08:28 am:

On the Beltway Boys

Fred Barnes: Let's see who's up and who's down, Up, Captain Janeway. She forges a temporary alliance and frees her starship from a void in space. Down, Neelix, who has been effectively ousted as the ship's cook by none other than Seven of Nine.

By Anonymous on Saturday, March 03, 2001 - 07:45 pm:

Tom and Belanna in their cabin watching television.

Tom: Hey lets watch another episode of Babylon 5.