Board 13, just in time for Halloween.

Troi: Captain, I sense the alien wants candy and if he doesn't get he will attack.

Kirk (beaming in front of pre-warp aliens): Boo!

Worf: Today is a good day to go Trick or Treating.

Q: Ah, yes... there is so very much I know... an overvoid awareness of the infinitum intermingling of timelessness, everlastingness and grandeur parellsected by diabalkarm trogs culminating in a terrible awareness.

By John A. Lang on Monday, October 28, 2002 - 07:41 pm:

From Arena:

Kirk: (To Spock) After defeating the Gorn, I saw a Metron. After that,I saw Bill & Ted.

(From Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey)

By Will on Tuesday, October 29, 2002 - 08:02 am:

Admiral; Captain Kirk, may I introduce your new first officer.
Kirk; Take that ridiculous Halloween mask off, mister!
Spock; This is my real face.
Kirk; Oops. Never mind.

Kirk (to Kang); Alright. In the heart or the pants, I won't stay dead. Next time I'll kill you, the good ol' game of pants, and it goes on and on! While some...pants sits back and laughs...and starts it all over again!

Kirk (to Providers); I'll wager that with pants of your own choosing, my people can defeat an equal number of Thralls set against us!

Garth; I am Lord Garth Master of the Pants!

By John A. Lang on Tuesday, October 29, 2002 - 08:51 pm:

From STIV

Kirk: (To Spock) "Station"

Spock: (Raising fist) "STATION!"

(From Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey)

By ScottN on Wednesday, October 30, 2002 - 12:52 am:

In keeping with the Bill&Ted theme:

Who Watches the Watchers?(TNG)

Picard (to Mintankans): Be Excellent to one another!

By KAM on Thursday, October 31, 2002 - 06:43 am:

Archer: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... unless it's a really small fish, then he'll be hungry again in no time.

By ScottN on Thursday, October 31, 2002 - 11:02 am:

Archer: Give a man a fish, he owes you one fish.

By Will on Thursday, October 31, 2002 - 11:12 am:

Borg; Picard, those fish in your aquarium will be assimilated.

Picard; Shuttup, Wesley. And feed my fish!

Uhura; Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
Kirk; Mr.Spock?
Spock; Yes, sir. Can you hear me now?
Kirk; Yes Spock.
Spock (after a pause); Can you hear me now.
Kirk; Yes, Spock.
Spock (after a longer pause); Can you hear me now?
Kirk; Warp us out of orbit, Mr.Sulu.
Spock; Hello? Can you hear me now? Helloooo?

By John A. Lang on Thursday, October 31, 2002 - 05:39 pm:

Why there is no Halloween on the Enterprise... From STTNG:

Kids in costume press door chime. Data answers.

Kids: Trick or treat! Smell my feet! Give me something good to eat!

Data: I understand the concept of "trick or treat". But how does smelling your feet determine the nature of the treat?

By John A. Lang on Friday, November 01, 2002 - 04:48 pm:

Yet another reason there's no Halloween on the Enterprise....from STTNG

Kids in costume press door chime. Troi answers.

Kids: Trick or treat!

Troi: MMM! CHOCOLATE! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!!! (snatching kids' bags then closing door & locking it.)

By John A. Lang on Friday, November 01, 2002 - 04:50 pm:

Yet another reason there's no Halloween on the Enterprise....from STTNG

Kids in costume press door chime. Worf answers.

Kids: Trick or treat!

Worf: Grr! Vicious animal things! (takes bakleth (sp?) and slices kids to bits)

By Will on Monday, November 04, 2002 - 11:09 am:

Kirk; After a hundred years what would a Romulan ship look like, Mr.Stiles? I doubt they'll hail us to identify themselves.
Stiles; You'll know them, sir. They're painted with lots of pretty flowers and hearts on the hull.

Kirk; After a hundred years what would a Romulan ship look like, Mr.Stiles? I doubt they'll hail us to identify themselves.
Stiles; You'll know them, sir. They're painted like a giant Smiley Face.

By KAM on Wednesday, November 06, 2002 - 06:41 am:

Fawlty Deep Space Nine
Kira: Quark.
Quark: Yes, my Bajoran Barracuda?

Rom: Que?
Quark: Don't mind him, he's from Ferenganar.

(Miles, Bashir & Sisko enter)
Quark: What are you doing? You promised that you wouldn't come here today. I'm entertaining the Grand Nagus!

By KAM on Wednesday, November 06, 2002 - 06:43 am:

Kirk: After a hundred years what would a Romulan ship look like, Mr. Stiles?
Stiles: Well, it'll be real old, with peeling paint and rusted metal, and covered with cobwebs...

Kirk: After a hundred years what would a Romulan ship look like, Mr. Stiles? I doubt they'll hail us to identify themselves.
Uhura: Captain, the Romulan ship is hailing us and identifying itself.

Archer: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, especially if it's the deadly fugu, improperly prepared.

Archer: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll spend all day drinking beer and drowning worms.

Archer: Give a fish a man and it'll eat for a day. Teach a fish to hunt men and they'll eat for a lifetime.

Archer: Give a man pants and he'll eat for day... wait, that's not right.

Archer: Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

By Sophie on Wednesday, November 06, 2002 - 08:14 am:

Kirk: After a hundred years what would a Romulan ship look like, Mr. Stiles?
Stiles: You'll know them, sir. I anticipate the reuse of stock footage.

By Sophie on Wednesday, November 06, 2002 - 08:20 am:

O'Brien: We're trying to get rid of the voles, Rom!
Rom: Is not vole. Is hamster!

By KAM on Thursday, November 07, 2002 - 07:18 am:

Spock: When the enemy ship makes it's next pass we should launch our torpedoes to these coordinates.
Kirk: How do you know they'll be there, Mr. Spock?
Spock: Because it's stock footage, Captain.

(Archer & company having a picnic on a planet)
Trip (takes a bite of sandwich, and makes an awful face): This stuff tastes terrible!
T'Pol (sniffing her sandwich): It smells like dog urine.
(Archer, who's already taken a bite, looks at his sandwich, sniffs it, shrugs his shoulders and continues eating.)

T'Pol: What are you watching?
Archer: Water Polo.
T'Pol: How do they keep the horses from drowning?

Archer: Give a man a taco and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to make tacos and he'll eat for a lifetime.

Archer: Bash Bashir in the head and he'll be dizzy for a day. Teach a mob of people to bash Bashir in the head...

By KAM on Friday, November 08, 2002 - 06:21 am:

Archer: If you carry a chicken across the road, it gets to the other side. If you teach a chicken to cross the road, you'll drive people nuts trying to figure out why the chicken is doing it.

(Shuttlepod heading back to Enterprise)
Archer: Where's Porthos?
T'Pol: Last I saw he was tied to the back of the shuttlepod.
(pause as everyone in pod look at each other, then cut to exterior where we see Porthos holding his breath as he's being dragged through space)

T'Pol: Should I shoot him now or shoot him later?
Archer: Shoot him now!
Menos: She doesn't have to shoot you now, she can shoot you later.
Archer: Be quiet you. Shoot me now! Shoot me now!

Hoshi: So how was your date with the alien?
Travis: Fine, except that Bojorge was a he, not a she.
Hoshi: Whoops! Pronoun trouble.

By Daroga on Friday, November 08, 2002 - 06:10 pm:

Archer: Give a man a gazelle and he'll eat for a week. Teach a man a speech about a gazelle and he'll be ... me.

By Sophie on Tuesday, November 12, 2002 - 04:46 am:

Picard: The Enterprise was dragged into the Delta Quadrant by some kind of array, and the alien aboard refused to return us home. Fortunately, Commander Data determined a way to activate the array by remote control, and sent us home.

Chakotay: There was no record of that in the database!

Picard: But I made a full report to a Commander at Starbase III! Although come to think of it, she didn't seem to be listening. Too busy playing with her dog...

By Sven of poor jokes revisited on Tuesday, November 12, 2002 - 07:42 am:

From the beginning of "Second Chances" (TNG)

Riker: [holding trombone] Any requests? I can play anything!
Troi: Can you play dead, then?

By Sven of Nine, watching too many charity adverts on Tuesday, November 12, 2002 - 11:02 am:

Archer: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime. [turns to camera, sombre music appears] Please. People like these don't want to live on handouts. What they want is a chance to work for themselves, and lead dignified and happy lives. Just give $10 a month, that's all it takes. Thank you.

By Will on Tuesday, November 12, 2002 - 11:06 am:

Archer; Give a man some peanut butter and he'll eat for a day. Give a dog some peanut butter and the man will be entertained for a lifetime.

Boma; Did you see what killed Latimer?
Gaetano; Vaguely. Just some guy with a little bump on his forehead.
Boma; Sounds like an alien from 'Voyager'?
Gaetano; Oh, yea, wait. It was a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing.
Boma; That's more like it.

By KAM on Wednesday, November 13, 2002 - 03:04 am:

Riker: (holding trombone) Any requests? I can play anything!
Troi: (holding phaser rifle) Just remember the agreement.
Riker: I know. I know. Put on a spacesuit and go outside before playing.

Riker: (holding trombone) Any requests? I can play anything!
Troi: Then play the piano.

Riker: (holding trombone) Any requests? I can play anything!
Troi: Hamlet.

Riker: (holding trombone) Any requests? I can play anything!
Troi: Three card stud.

Miles: What's this?
Keiko: I replicated some leftovers.

Archer: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime. Or until he eats all the fish. Whichever comes first.

Archer: Give a man a Vulcan science officer with big boobies and he'll find all sorts of reasons to go on Away Missions with her.

Archer: Give a man a sexy nymphomaniac and he'll be asleep five, or so, minutes later.

Archer: Give a man a sheep...

Boma: Did you see what killed Latimer?
Gaetano: It was a 10-foot tall, giant ape-thing.
Boma: Can you be more specific? Was it caucasian, hispanic, oriental...?

Boma: Did you see what killed Latimer?
Gaetano: It was a 10-foot tall, giant ape-thing.
Boma: (into communicator) I'd like to get an APB out for Bigfoot.

Boma: Did you see what killed Latimer?
Gaetano: It was a 3-meter tall, giant ape-thing.
Boma: What's a meter? We use inches, feet & yards in Starfleet, mister!

Borg Queen: If you give a man a nanoprobe, he'll be assimilated for a day. If you pump him full of nanoprobes, he'll be assimilated for a lifetime.

By Sven of it had to be done on Wednesday, November 13, 2002 - 11:41 am:

Archer: Give a Spawnk an Uhuru and he'll Kowel the Gumato for just an Okmyx. Teach a Spawnk how to Scpipt the Uhuru and he'll Kowel many Gumatos for an entire Mr. Solo.

By KAM on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 07:00 am:

Archer If you tell a man a joke about Star Trek, he'll laugh. If you teach a man to make jokes about Star Trek he'll fill up several boards with them.

Tasha: Yar I am, Lawd. Yar I am.

Reed: Oh no. I think I left my communicator on the planet.
Archer: Well, we can't allow it to contaminate the planet's development. Arm torpedoes and fire on the city we just came from.
Reed: Aye, sir.
(SFX of torpedo launch and destruction of the city)
Reed: The city is completely destroyed. No chance of any cultural contamination now, sir.
Archer: Good job.

(Riker playing trombone, Troi listening and crying)
Picard: Are you crying because it's such an emotional song?
Troi: No. I'm crying because I'm a music lover.

Boma: Did you see what killed Latimer?
Gaetano: It was a 10-foot tall man in an ape suit.

Boma: Did you see what killed Latimer?
Gaetano: OJ Simpson. And look! He's getting away in the white shuttlecraft!
(footage of Enterprise chasing after shuttlecraft along crowded space lanes)

By KAM on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 07:10 am:

(Close-up of Captain Harriman's calendar)
Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday

By KAM on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 07:12 am:

Wesley: Guinan, I'll have an ice cream sundae.
Harriman: I'll have an ice cream tuesdae.

Interviewer: Who's your favorite actress?
Harriman: Tuesday Weld.

Harriman: Thank god it's Tuesday!

By Sophie on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 08:21 am:

Kirk: You left spacedock without a tractor beam?
Harriman: You left spacedock without a bigger role?

By Stephen Kelso on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 11:03 am:

Kelso; BURN!!! )

By Sven of Alex Winter on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 11:38 am:

Demora Sulu: Sir, one of the El-Aurians has placed a device on the ship's warp core. Once at warp, if we go any slower than Warp 5 it'll trigger a bomb!
Harriman: Why does this always happen to me?

By Scott `Scott` N on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 12:50 pm:

Shouldn't that be Sven of Keanu Reeves?

By Sven of Jason Patric on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 02:54 pm:

No.

By Sven of somebody else on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 02:58 pm:

[He's joking.]

By Sophie on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 04:36 pm:

Torres: Captain, someone has placed a device on the ship's warp core. Now we're at warp, if we go any slower than Warp 5 it'll trigger a bomb!
Janeway: Any idea who?
Torres: They left a calling card: "United We Nitpick".

By ScottN on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 06:37 pm:

Harry: Captain, we are being hailed by the Borg.
The Borg: We are the Borg. We have assimilated Starbucks. Decaf is futile.
Janeway: All hands, prepare to be assiilated!

By chef on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 10:53 pm:

Trip: Captain, someone has placed a device on the ship's warp core. Now we're at warp, if we go any slower than Warp 5 it'll trigger a bomb!

Brannon Bragga: No problem

Trip: But sir! In "Fallen Hero" we could only go Warp 5 for a few minutes!

Branna Bragga: Falla Walla?

By Will on Friday, November 15, 2002 - 11:14 am:

Boma; That hairy ape-thing killed Kenny Latimer!
Gaetano; You b**tard!

Scott; When ya gonna get off that milk diet, lad?
Chekov; This is vodka!
Scott; Where I come from that's soda pop! Now here's a drink for a real man!
Chekov; Snapple?!
Scott; Aye!

By KAM, who is not a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing on Monday, November 18, 2002 - 06:36 am:

Cyranno Jones: Would you like to buy a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing?

Klingon: You humans like those 10-foot tall giant ape-things?

Kirk: Scotty, what happened to all the 10-foot tall giant ape-things?
Scotty: I gave them a good home, sir. I beamed them over to the Klingon ship's engine room.

Harriman: The 10-foot tall giant ape-thing will be delivered Tuesday.

Archer: Give a man a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing and he'll run and scream from it all day.

Kirk: After a hundred years what would a Romulan ship look like, Mr. Stiles?
Stiles: Ummm, a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing?

Borg: We are the Borg. Your 10-foot tall giant ape-things will be assimilated. Resistance is... Aaaaak! Ooh! Ooh! Grunt! Grunt (sounds of smashing)

McCoy (checking tricorder readings): Jim, this man is a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing!

Boma: Did you see what killed Latimer?
Gaetano: It was Chewbacca!

By KAM on Monday, November 18, 2002 - 06:39 am:

Troi: Riker's about to play his trombone! Put cheese in your ears! Quickly!

Picard: Well Data I'm glad to see that you are no longer smoking that Sherlock Holmes pipe.
Data: No, sir. (takes out a hypodermic needle and gives himself an injection of 7% cocaine)

Quark: Rule of Acquisition #1: Never argue with a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing.

By Will on Monday, November 18, 2002 - 11:18 am:

KAM;
I usually read these gags and smile or have an small chuckle, but yours just made me laugh out loud! I literally had tears in my eyes! You really should be a writer with a sense of humor like that! Well done, non-10-foot tall giant ape-thing!

By KAM on Tuesday, November 19, 2002 - 03:24 am:

Thanks.

McCoy: Dammit, Jim! I'm a Doctor, not a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing!

Kirk: I'm Captain James T. Kirk.
Alien: What's the T stand for?
Kirk: Ten-foot tall giant ape-thing.

10-foot tall giant ape-thing: Spears on Stun.

By Sophie - Dammit, KAM, I was going to do McCoy! on Tuesday, November 19, 2002 - 05:17 am:

Latimer (groans, clutching spear): It's...
John Cleese: A 10-foot tall giant ape-thing.

By Sven of Nine Years Old on Tuesday, November 19, 2002 - 11:02 am:

Archer: Give a porn star a fish and she'll show you a neat trick involving her [that's enough! - everyone]

By Sparrow47 on Tuesday, November 19, 2002 - 11:27 am:

Quark: But I'm innocent, I tell you!

Odo: Tell it to the 10-foot tall giant ape thing!

By Will on Tuesday, November 19, 2002 - 11:36 am:

John Christopher; I never have believed in little green men.
Kirk; What about 10-foot tall giant ape-things?

Severin, Adam, and the hippies; 10-foot tall giant ape-thing! 10-foot tall giant ape-thing! 10-foot tall giant ape-thing! (Instead of 'Herbert! Herbert!')

The 10-foot tall giant ape-thing approaches Gaetano;
Gaetano; How the heck did my mother-in-law get here?!

The 10-foot tall giant ape-thing approaches Gaetano;
Gaetano; Great! I just had to eat the last banana back at the ship!

Gary Mitchell; Morals are for men, and 10-foot tall giant ape-things, not gods.

By ScottN on Tuesday, November 19, 2002 - 12:33 pm:

Just how did we get onto TFTGATs (Ten Foot Tall Giant Ape Things) anyways?

And are they related to "Vicious Animal Things" from Hide and Q?

By Sven of Nine - `Suddenly Human` via `Heart of Glory` on Tuesday, November 19, 2002 - 12:50 pm:

Beats me, Scott... beats me....

Jean-Luc Picarcher: Give a human boy to the Talarians, and he'll be culturally disorientated when we return him to the humans. Give the same boy to the Tarellians and we'll all be confused.


Q: Jean-Luc Pica-chu! I choose you!

By Sparrow47, with approximations of the actual lines... on Tuesday, November 19, 2002 - 10:36 pm:

Trip: You've been to Dralax?

Travis: Yep.

Trip: Is it true about the women on Dralax? That they have-

Travis: ten-foot tall giant ape things? It's true.


Gosis: Could it be genetic manipulation?

Dr. Temec: Yes, I think they're really ten-foot tall giant ape things!

By Mike Ram on Wednesday, November 20, 2002 - 12:08 am:

DS9: "Paradise Lost"

Cute female officer: "I've been wheeling around this cart all day."

add: "And I think part of it is made of Odo, it's so darn heavy!!"

By KAM on Wednesday, November 20, 2002 - 05:47 am:

Sorry, Sophie. (Although I was surprised no one had posted it before I did.)

ScottN - Just how did we get onto TFTGATs (Ten Foot Tall Giant Ape Things) anyways?
KAM: By boldly going where no joker has gone before!!! ;-)

I think Will first used the phrase in his Tuesday, November 12, 2002 - 11:06 am post. I did some variations on his joke, then the phrase got stuck in my mind and I had to use it or go insane.

What do you mean, 'Too late.'?

Kirk or Picard: ...to boldly go where no 10-foot tall giant ape-thing has gone before.

Enterprise theme: ...I've got faith of the 10-foot tall giant ape-things...

Worf: But sir, I am not a merry 10-foot tall giant ape-thing!

Geordi: With my VISOR I can see up and down the 10-foot tall giant ape-thing.

T'Pol: It seems that Porthos urinated on one of the Kreetasians sacred 10-foot tall giant ape-things.
Archer: Is he all right?
T'Pol: Well, he had to dry his foot off and use a deoderant to cover up the smell...
Archer: Not the 10-foot tall giant ape-thing, Porthos!
(T'Pol brings what looks like a cardboard cutout of Porthos out from behind her back.)

Sisko: We believe that Gowron has been replaced with a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing.
Admiral Ross: How can you be sure?
Sisko: Blood test.

By KAM on Wednesday, November 20, 2002 - 07:20 am:

Paris: Harry, you've fallen for the wrong Delaney sister, a hologram, an ex-Borg, a dead girl, and now a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing?
Kim: I like a little variety in my love life.

Archer: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll lie to you about the one that got away.

Archer: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll ruin his best hat by sticking hooks through it.

Archer: Give a man a fish and he'll get sick the first time he has to gut the thing.

Archer: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Show a man where to buy frozen fishsticks and he'll eat for a lifetime.

By KAM again on Wednesday, November 20, 2002 - 07:40 am:

Seven: (Wakes up in her alcove on a Borg cube.) I'm not a schoolteacher? Oh, thank the Omega Particle it was all just a nightmare!

By XNZ on Wednesday, November 20, 2002 - 09:04 am:

Archer: Give a man a fish and he'll choke on the little bones.

Archer: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll become a master baiter.

Archer: Give a man a taste of drugs and he'll be high for a day. Become that man's dealer and he'll be hooked for life.

Kirk: It's not the size of your giant ape-thing that counts, it's how you use it.

Female alien: How will I know this Kirk?
Male alien: Because a few minutes after meeting him he'll have you upside-down and halfway to happyland.

By Will on Wednesday, November 20, 2002 - 11:14 am:

Archer; Mmmmmm! Smells great, Chef! What's for dinner tonight?
Chef; 10-foot tall giant ape-thing steaks!
Trip; M-m, M-m! Sounds as good as the road-kill stew momma used to make when I was a kid!

Troi; I sense...great pain! Intense agony! Extreme fear and desperation!
Riker; Troi, just tell the 10-foot tall giant ape thing to get off my foot!

Sasquatch to 10-foot tall giant ape thing; Daddy!

Sisko; Let me get this straight; you write poetry?
Jake; Sure. It's fun.
Sisko; What do you write about?
Jake; 10-foot tall giant ape-things.

Chakotay; Captain Janeway, don't blow up the Array! Just beam over a 10-foot tall giant ape thing, and let him deal with the Caretaker!

By ScottN on Wednesday, November 20, 2002 - 12:11 pm:

to change the topic...

Archer: Mmmmmm! Tastes great, Chef! What are these?
Chef: My salty chocolate balls!

By ScottN on Wednesday, November 20, 2002 - 12:13 pm:

Worf: They appear to be some kind of vicious animal things.
Picard: Transporter room, beam down the 10-foot tall giant ape-things! Engage!

By Mike Ram on Wednesday, November 20, 2002 - 11:35 pm:

The ENT computer, in Malcolm's voice:
"Reed Alert! Reed Alert"

Reed:
"Umm...Hoshi, this soup tastes like garbage."

Archer:
"You lowered my chair? What're you saying, that I'm short?!"

T'Pol:
"Now captain, let me get in the shower WITH you."

hehe

By John A. Lang on Thursday, November 21, 2002 - 06:38 am:

Kirk: "Where's Mr. Leslie?"
(3 Mr. Leslies walk in)
Leslie (In red): "Here,sir"
Leslie (in blue): "Here, sir"
Leslie (in yellow): "Here, sir."

Spock: "As one of my mentors would say, 'Begun the Clone Wars has!' "

By KAM on Thursday, November 21, 2002 - 07:37 am:

Hoshi: I can cook my family recipe with a variety of flavors.
Reed: What flavors?
Hoshi: Salt & Vinegar.

(Malcolm walks into a Men's shower)
Computer: Reed Alert! Reed Alert!

Archer's introduction to his Dad's biography: This is it.

By KAM on Sunday, November 24, 2002 - 08:02 am:

(Archer comes on bridge)
Archer: Where's Travis?
(Travis' voice comes out of the air)
Travis: Right here, sir.
Archer: What happened? I can't see you.
Travis: Oh, I was helping Commander Tucker examine the Suliban cloak and I guess it made me invisible.
Archer: Where's Commander Tucker?
Travis: In the Women's Shower.

Archer: Trip, can you fix my 10-foot tall giant ape-thing. He's just not very comfortable to sit on.

Spock (to guard): Excuse me, but you have a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing on your shoulder.

Kirk (to Providers): I'll wager that my 10-foot tall giant ape-things can defeat an equal number of Thralls set against us!

Kai Opaca (to Sisko): You are the Emissary of the 10-Foot Tall Giant Ape-Things.

Janeway: Computer. Activate the the Emergency 10-Foot Tall Giant Ape-Thing Hologram.
HoloTFTGAT: Ook, ook! Grunt, grunt!

Ileadroid: V'Ger cannot communicate with the creator because of the silicon-based lifeforms infesting Earth.
Kirk: Silicon-based?
Spock: Captain it seems Earth was invaded while we were away.
Kirk: I told Starfleet to have more than one Starship in the quadrant.

(Kirk sees Earth being attacked by whale probe)
Kirk: Oh, well. So much for Earth. Let's go back to Vulcan.
Crew: Yayyyyyyyy!

Kirk: So we have to go back in time, and pick up a couple of 10-foot tall giant ape-things, then bring them forward so they can communicate with the probe.
Spock: Except that Earth never had 10-foot tall giant ape-things on it.
Kirk: D'oh!

By Hands off, he`s Sven of Nine! on Sunday, November 24, 2002 - 09:22 am:

Phlox:[sarcastically] Oh dear, that's the third time a male human's been injured this way. Just remember, like I told the other two, avoid solid foods for a week and don't sit down too much. By the way, before this happened did Malcolm ask you to pick up a bar of soap, hmmm?

By KAM on Monday, November 25, 2002 - 05:54 am:

Jadzia: Hi everyone.
Ezri: But you're dead?
Jadzia: I was, but Julian stuck some Energizer batteries in the symbiote pouch. So now I'm powered by the bunny inside.

Kirk: Scotty, where are all the Tribbles.
Scotty: Uuuuuuh, *burp* Um, I beamed them over to the Klingons, sir. (wipes tribble fur out of the corner of his mouth)

Kirk: Scotty, didn't you beam three whales on board.
Scotty: No, sir, just two. *burp* (wipes tarter sauce off face)

Kirk: Gentlemen, the Guardian of Forever has disappeared.
Scotty: Was that the thing shaped like a donut?

Commodore Decker: It eats whole planets.
Kirk: Sounds like Scotty at a buffet.

By Will on Monday, November 25, 2002 - 11:19 am:

Kirk; Who is V'ger?
Ilia; V'ger is a 10-foot tall giant ape-thing that seeks the Creator.

T'Pring; Now that we are married, Stonn, allow me to introduce your new mother-in-law.
A 10-foot tall giant ape-thing walks in.
Stonn; Darn that Spock! he was smarter than he looked!

Klingon; Kirk is not soft. Kirk may be a swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated 10-foot tall giant ape-thing dictator with delusions of god-hood, but he isn't soft.

Kes; This is amazing! I was once a simple humanoid, and now I'm a super-powered entity existing on a higher plane of existence! I can do anything! I'm unique! I'm--
Wesley Crusher; Excuse me, ma'am, but do you mind? I'm a little busy creating a planet out of cat furballs.
Sisko; And I'm trying to save Bajor, so move along.
Kes; Sorry.
Gary Mitchell; Hey, hey pretty super-powered lady entity!
Kes; Get me out of here!
Will Decker and Ilia; Second door on the right of the Blue Universe over there.
Kes; ARRRHGHGH!!

Spock; I can't decide, should I have a Whopper, a Big Mac, or a meat-lovers pizza from Pizza Hut?

By Sven of Mine! on Monday, November 25, 2002 - 05:13 pm:

Will, I believe you've just started a brand new Star Trek spin-off series with all the quasi-omnipotent beings from all the series! I can definitely see it work as a sitcom format or something!

By John A. Lang on Monday, November 25, 2002 - 07:38 pm:

Hmmm....Maybe it should be called:
"Mind Your P's & Q's"

By KAM on Tuesday, November 26, 2002 - 06:02 am:

Reed: I don't like your attitude mister. You're going on report.
Travis: Ah, Reed, you're such a smeghead.
Reed: Do you know what the penalty is for calling a superior officer a smeghead?
T'Pol: But Reed, you are a smeghead.

(Travis is telling of the three-breasted women of Dralax)
Trip: Imagine making love to a woman with three breasts.
Reed: Imagine making love to a woman.

Archer: You know Porthos, I worry that they will discover that I'm not a real captain, but actually Dennis the donut boy.

By KAM on Thursday, November 28, 2002 - 07:14 am:

Cut line from Star Trek V
(Just before Enterprise crew goes down to Nimbus)
McCoy: Have fun storming the city!

Khan: 10-foot tall giant ape-things are a luxury you do not have.

Reed: I say we unleash the 10-foot tall giant ape-things on them and get the hell out of here.
Phlox: An excellent plan with just 2 flaws. 1. We don't have any 10-foot tall giant ape-things and 2. we never had any 10-foot tall giant ape-things. I realize that this sounds like the same thing, but your suggestion was so stup¡d I had to say it twice.

By Will on Thursday, November 28, 2002 - 11:05 am:

Kirk to Edith Keeler; What part of 'Stay right there!' do you not understand?

Spock to Cyrano Jones; What part of 'multiplicative proclivities' do you not understand?

Porthos to Archer; What part of 'arf-arf!' do you not understand, hew-mon?

Archer's foreward in his father's book;
'He was my father.
Deal with it.'

Archer; That's my chief engineer, Trip Tucker.
Alien; What kind of name is 'Trip'?
Tucker falls down some stairs and onto his face.
Archer; Fitting.

By Sophie on Thursday, November 28, 2002 - 02:28 pm:

Computer to lightly grilled and smoking Geordi:
"What part of 'Procedure is not recommended' do you not understand?"

By John A. Lang on Thursday, November 28, 2002 - 05:48 pm:

Janeway: What's for Thanksgiving dinner, Neelix?
Neelix: A 10-foot tall, giant ape-thing...marianted with butter and a side of...

(Crew rushes to replicators)

By KAM´s Dinner Theatre on Friday, November 29, 2002 - 03:11 am:

Neelix: Wait'll you try my 10-foot tall giant ape-thing hair pasta.

Paris: Neelix, there's a fly in my soup.
Neelix: Only one? Fly Soup should be brimming with flies!

Tuvok: Neelix, what is this insectoid doing in my soup?
Neelix: Drowning.

Kes: Neelix, there's a fly in my soup.
Neelix: And the problem is?
Kes: I ordered a cockroach.

B'Elanna: I cannot each this soup with the fly in it.
Neelix: Why not?
B'Elanna: Because you gave me a fork.

Janeway: Neelix, why is this fly in my coffee?
Neelix: I had more flies than soup.

Harry: I'll just have a hamburger.
Neelix: Would you like flies with that?

Borg Fly: Your soup will be assimilated.

By Sven of Nine, terribly vexed on Saturday, November 30, 2002 - 04:08 pm:

Geordi: [to Data] What part of "auxillary positronic matter-antimatter replicative tachyon dispersal plasmadyne field relay compensators" do you not understand??!


Things Shinzon shouldn't say in the next film:

"At my signal, unleash Areinnye!"

[to Troi] "And as for you, you will love me as I love you. You will provide me with an heir of pure, non-cloned blood, so that Shinzon and his progeny will rule for a thousand years. Am I not merciful? AM I NOT MERCIFUL?!!!"

"If you find yourself alone, riding through green fields with the Rihannsu sun on your face, do not be troubled, for you are in Vorta Vor, and are already dead."

[You get the idea.]

By At my signal, unleash Sven of Nine! on Saturday, November 30, 2002 - 04:09 pm:

Sorry, that first one should have been:

Geordi: [to Data] What part of [TECH] do you not understand??!

By What part of KAM do you not understand? on Sunday, December 01, 2002 - 07:21 am:

Geordi (to Data): What part of thingamabob do you not understand?

Shinzon: At my signal, unleash the Rogaine!

Picard (to Mr. Mott prior to Encounter At Farpoint): What part "Just a LITTLE off the top" did you not understand?!?

Holodoc: Ah, Commander, what brings you to Sickbay?
Chakotay: I made the mistake of trying Neelix's Flied Rice.
Holodoc: I'll get the stomach pump.

Alternate ending to City On The Edge Of Forever
Kirk: I couldn't bear to let you die, Edith, so I'm taking you with me to the future.
(McCoy runs through invisible passage in brick wall. Spock runs through invisible passage in brick wall. Kirk and Edith run hand in hand at wall. Kirk passes through invisible passage in brick wall, Edith hits it with a sickening splat and crumples to the ground)
Guardian: Did I forget to mention that you couldn't bring anyone back with you?

(A pregnant Tasha Yar walks up to Data)
Data: What part of "It never happened." did you not understand?

By Sophie on Sunday, December 01, 2002 - 04:29 pm:

Shot of shuttlepod going through space with Porthos with his head stuck out a side window...

By John A. Lang on Sunday, December 01, 2002 - 10:09 pm:

DELETED LINE FROM "The Way to Eden"

Spock: "Captain, you've flipped out!"

(For those who don't get the joke, "The Way to Eden" contains the most (and the worst) flipped shots of Kirk ever!)

By Will on Monday, December 02, 2002 - 11:15 am:

Holodoc; Please state the nature of the 10-foot tall giant ape thing?

Harry Kim; Captain, sensors show somekinda 10-foot tall giant ape thing at 147 mark 3!
Janeway; 'Somekinda', Mr.Kim? Please be specific, because there are LOTS of different 10-foot tall giant ape things in the universe!

Archer; Chef, there's a Denoblian fly in my soup!
Chef; Well, don't say that too loud, because everyone will want one then!

Kirk to Severin; What part of 'don't bite that fruit' do you not understand?

Uhura; Captain the Galileo IV is approaching.
Janeway; That's why I never number my shuttles. You'd never know how many I've lost!

By Sven, the Final Pun-tier on Monday, December 02, 2002 - 05:36 pm:

Picard: How tall must an ape thing have to be before it becomes a giant? Hmm? Ten feet? A hundred feet? A thousand feet? A million? HOW TALL MUST IT BE, ADMIRAL?!


Kirk: Why, if you had more hair I'd swear you'd be Swedish! What's your name, Lieutenant?
Deltan female: Lt. Ikea.

By ScottN on Monday, December 02, 2002 - 06:20 pm:

Picard: THERE ARE FOUR TEN-FOOT TALL GIANT APE THINGS!

By KAM on Tuesday, December 03, 2002 - 05:26 am:

A very Special episode of Enterprise
Trip: So what's tonight's movie?
Archer: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
(And for the next 2 hours we see STIV with silhouettes of the crews' heads at the bottom of the screen)

Janeway: I never start the day without a cup of 10-foot tall giant ape thing.

Janeway: There are 10-foot tall giant ape things in that nebula!

Moj Cullah: You think you're better than us because you have all this advanced 10-foot tall giant ape things.

Kirk: So who's the bald-headed navigator?
Sulu: Jean-Luc Picard.

Ilia: This is why we consider your race to be immature. You keep staring at my breasts.
Chekov: But if I looked you in the eye I'd be blinded from the glare off your head.

Uhura: The new navigator is here, sir. Just one thing. She's a 10-foot tall giant ape thing.
Kirk: Well I hope she's serious about her vow of celibacy because all the men will want to sleep with her.

Seven: Neelix, what are these 10-foot tall giant ape things doing in my soup?
Neelix: Synchronized Swimming.

By Sven of think about it on Tuesday, December 03, 2002 - 12:10 pm:

Kirk: Lieutenant, your name please?
Ilia: Ilia.
Kirk: So do I.

By Sophie on Wednesday, December 04, 2002 - 02:57 am:

TNG:The Child
Pulaski: Troi is pregnant
Riker: At the risk of being indelicate, might we know the father?
Troi: Last night, as I slept, I sensed a 10-foot tall giant ape thing enter my room.
Pulaski: How dreadful for you!
Troi: Umm what? Oh. Uhh dreadful. Yes. Really.

By KAM on Wednesday, December 04, 2002 - 07:00 am:

LOL, Sophie.

By ScottN, who will probably get dumped for this one! on Wednesday, December 04, 2002 - 10:26 am:

"My room"???? Interesting Euphemism!

By Sven of Nine, snug and cosy in my room on Wednesday, December 04, 2002 - 10:51 am:

Maybe she has a speech impediment?

By KAM on Thursday, December 05, 2002 - 06:52 am:

Riker: The new ensign is quite attractive.
Geordi: Yes. I touched her once.
Riker: You touched her what?
Geordi: I touched her once, in the hallway.
Riker: Well, I never heard it called that before.

Kirk: In the whole Earth/Romulan War neither side saw what the other looked like. Except for Archer, but then the dufus let his dog chew up the photographs.

Reed (singing): I'm going to the weapons locker
I'm going on a trip
I'm going to the weapons locker
To grab my guns and split

(T'Pol's going through Pon Farr, about to have sex with the ship's engineer, when the intercom buzzes)
Hoshi: T'Pol, are you busy?
T'Pol: Yes. I'm about to go on a Trip.

Kirk: Spock, why are you dressed like a woman?
Spock: It's a Vulcan condition where males are forced to dress like females.
Kirk: What's it called?
Spock: Jamie Farr.

By Daroga on Thursday, December 05, 2002 - 09:08 am:

LOL, KAM, especially the Porthos one!

By Will on Thursday, December 05, 2002 - 11:22 am:

Re. Jamie Farr; GGGGGGRRRRROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!

Sisko; A hospital? What is it?
Kira; It's a big building where 10-foot tall giant ape things go when they're sick, but that's not important right now...

McCoy; Yes! Genesis! The name of the place is Genesis! How can you be deaf with ears like that?!
Alien Pilot; Hey, me no get personal here! Me not talk about you great big moles on face and 10-foot tall giant ape things!

Spock; Aim your phasers at 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock.
Boma; There's a problem, Mr.Spock.
Spock; And what would that be, Mr.Boma?
Boma; How do we know the 10-foot tall giant ape things can tell time?

Uhura; Tornado frequencies open, Captain.

Uhura; Hurricane frequencies open, Captain.

Uhura; Snow frequencies open, Captain.

Archer; Take the conn, T'Pol.
T'Pol; No thank you, sir. After Mr.Tucker installed that massage feature in your chair I've decided not to sit there.
Hoshi; I will! I'll sit in it!

Flavius Maximus; You look like some kind of new Praetorian Guard unit. (Looks at Spock) What do you call those?
Spock; I call them nipples.

By Sparrow47 on Thursday, December 05, 2002 - 01:04 pm:

not to rip off Will or anything, but...

during the decon scene in "Broken Bow"

Trip: Wow, Subcommander, I didn't know you were in the Praetorian Guard!

By Sven of Nine on Thursday, December 05, 2002 - 04:53 pm:

Archer: So, why do they call you Trip?
Tucker: Because from where I come from, no-one knows how to spell "clumsy eejit".

By Sven of Nine with some toilet humour on Thursday, December 05, 2002 - 05:26 pm:

Data: Commander Riker, why does Captain Picard call you Number One?
[Riker unzips his flies and starts urinating over Data's shoes]
Data: Hmph!

By John A. Lang on Thursday, December 05, 2002 - 09:13 pm:

Kirk: Uhura..bring me some hot chocolate, please.
Uhura: Aye sir. (Leaves)

A few minutes later, Uhura returns, wearing the "Mirror Mirror" outfit
Kirk: Now THAT'S what I call, "hot chocolate!"

By KAM on Friday, December 06, 2002 - 06:25 am:

Thanks, Daroga & Will.

Kira: Commander, we just got some bad news from Deep Space Nine.
Sisko: Deep Space Nine. What it is?
Kira: It's the space station that you command, but that's not important right now...

T'Pol: (picking up sheet of paper & pencil) Captain, what is this?
Archer: Oh, uh, that's just a list of things I wanted to accomplish. Give it here.
(T'Pol begins reading list)
T'Pol: Finish father's Warp 5 engine. (marks paper) Check. Become captain of a starship. (marks paper) Check. Blunder way through meetings with alien cultures. (marks paper) Check. Score with hot Vulcan chick.
(T'Pol raises eyebrow, glares at Archer who blushes and looks away)
T'Pol: (marks paper) Check.

McCoy: Yes! Genesis! The name of the place is Genesis! How can you be deaf with ears like that?!
Alien Pilot: Ears? No, these are head flippers. My ears on on my back.

Admiral: Picard, our operatives on Remus have discovered that the Romulan Empire has made a clone of you, at one-eighth scale. They call him Miniyou.

Data: Commander Riker, why does Captain Picard call you Number One?
[Riker unzips his flies and starts urinating over Data's shoes]
Data: Now I'll demonstrate why Picard calls me Number Two. (turns around, drops pants...)

Tuvok: Mr. Paris, the Delta Flyer cockpit is not up to Starfleet standards. You must remove the fuzzy dice and the Garfield stick-on.

Picard: Mr. Data, I realize that you are trying to become more human and develop a sense of humor, but 1. Glueing suction cups to Spot's feet is a very cruel thing to do. and 2. I do not appreciate you sticking him on the top of my head.

Scene after Aquiel
Picard: Geordi, the Federation Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals would like to talk to you about how you treated the dog.

Scene after Disaster
(shot of Picard in the captain's chair, Riker in the next chair, and Marissa in the next chair)
Picard: You can be replaced, Mr. Riker.

By Merat on Friday, December 06, 2002 - 09:43 am:

KAM, that bit with Picard, Data, and Suction-cup-Spot is the funniest thing I have read on these boards.

By Sven of Nine - turnabout is fair play after all on Friday, December 06, 2002 - 10:34 am:

Data: Now I'll demonstrate why Picard calls me Number Two. (turns around, drops pants...)
Riker: Are you sure your gender-identity program is functioning properly, Data?
Data: Affirmative... big boy. [bends over]

By Malcolm Reed on Saturday, December 07, 2002 - 09:10 am:

Why can't we have an android on this ship?

By Sven of Nine on Saturday, December 07, 2002 - 05:54 pm:

LL!!!

By John A. Lang on Saturday, December 07, 2002 - 08:17 pm:

Troi (to Jellico) If you don't like my old bunny suit, how about THIS ONE?
(Troi saunters out wearing bunny ears, a skin-tight outfit with a rabbit's tail on her posterior, and wearing fishnet nylons & high heels)

Jellico (sweating) That's fine, Troi.

By Sven of Nine with an unforgettable mental image on Sunday, December 08, 2002 - 06:43 am:

From the Voyager episode "Extreme Risk"

B'Elanna: What are you, the new ship's counsellor?
Chakotay: [in skin-tight bunny suit with low-cut top] What makes you say that?

By Merat on Sunday, December 08, 2002 - 10:18 pm:

*shudders* Oh, thanks Sven. *deep sarcasm, really deep sarcasm, were talking abyssal here*

By Sophie on Monday, December 09, 2002 - 03:09 am:

LOL, Sven.

By KAM on Monday, December 09, 2002 - 05:33 am:

Thanks, Merat. (Does that mean that I've earned my Merat Badge? *runs for cover*)

Jellico (to Troi): There's always room for Jellico.

M'Ress: Everything I wear is a catsuit.

Data (meeting a Caitan): May I call you Spot?

Yeoman 1: How was your date with Arex?
Yeoman 2: He's all hands.

By Will on Monday, December 09, 2002 - 11:15 am:

Flavius; You three look like some kind of new Praetorian guard unit. (Looks at Spock) What do you call those?
Spock; I call them bunny slippers.

Flavius; You three look like some kind of new Praetorian guard unit. (Looks at Spock) What do you call those?
Spock; (Flipping his head back) I call them ear rings. Do you like them?

By Charles B. on Monday, December 09, 2002 - 05:14 pm:

Al the hologram (to Archer): Bad news. Ziggy says you've only got a 30% chance of pulling off a successful series here.

Archer: Give a man the leading role in a series on UPN. . .

Spock: Estimated arrival at 4:30ish.

Kirk (to alien female): Of course I'll respect you in the morning!

Reed: They have a "stun" setting and a "kill" setting. I can't remember which is which, so you might have to go by trial and error.

By Allegra on Monday, December 09, 2002 - 07:28 pm:

Kirk: "I know kung Fu!"

By KAM on Tuesday, December 10, 2002 - 06:56 am:

Flavius: You three look like some kind of new Praetorian guard unit. (Looks at Spock) What do you call those?
Spock: I call them 10-foot tall giant ape things.

Spock: Captain Kirk is trapped in the Tholian Web.
Uhura: Probably looking at the porn sites.

Klingons (dressed for battle): Run away! Eeek!

Ferengi: I don't think of myself as short. I think of myself as within weapons range of your groin.

Alien female (to Kirk): You can leave your boots on.

By Charles Birkby on Tuesday, December 10, 2002 - 03:16 pm:

Al the hologram (to Archer): Ziggy says you leaped here to try to save an ailing television network.


Archer: Trip, why don't we have full power?
Trip: Because, sir, we're the only thing keeping the lights on at UPN.


Porthos: Woof!
Archer: What is it, Porthos?
Porthos: Woof! Woof! Woof!
Archer: You say Trip's stuck in a Jefferies tube?
Porthos: Woof! Woof!
Archer: And he's running out of air?
Porthos: Woof! . . .

By Sven Likes It Hot on Tuesday, December 10, 2002 - 04:59 pm:

[Bashir and Jadzia Dax ride off back to DS9 in a runabout]
Bashir: So, Jadzia, why does Captain Sisko call you "Old Man" anyway?
Dax: Julian, there's something I need to confess to you... [pulls off disguise] I really AM an Old Man!
Bashir: [pauses] Well... nobody's perfect!

with apologies to Billy Wilder

By KAM on Wednesday, December 11, 2002 - 06:38 am:

Alternate scene from And The Children Shall Lead
Sulu: The knives... the forks... the spoons... the chopsticks!!!

Data: This is truly an advanced culture.
Riker: How can you tell.
Data: They've already developed the spork.

T'Pol: Mestral stayed on Earth for many years, until he wandered into Sunnydale and was mistaken for a demon by Buffy, the Vampire Slayer and killed.

By ScottN on Wednesday, December 11, 2002 - 10:04 am:

And now, the return of yet another meme that won't die!

You are Cordially Invited...

Sisko: This is a great party, Old Man, but it really could use some 10-foot tall giant ape-things.

By ScottN on Wednesday, December 11, 2002 - 04:59 pm:

Chain of Command II

[As Jellico]: Why did Riker bend over and moon me?

cookie for the reference

By John A. Lang on Wednesday, December 11, 2002 - 08:14 pm:

Reply to above question: "Why did Riker bend over and moon me?"

Because Jellico made Troi change her clothes. (Out of the honey-bunny-wunny suit into the standard uniform)

By KAM on Thursday, December 12, 2002 - 06:36 am:

Because Ronny Cox' character on St. Elsewhere was mooned by a doctor on that show.

(Riker moons Jellico)
Jellico: You might want to see a doctor. It looks like you have assteroids.