Janeway: Again with the Borg. Will they never learn?

Chekov: Keptin, the object is on a direct line for...
Kirk: For Earth?
Chekov: No..., Venus.
Kirk: Oh, well then cancel red alert.

Probe from ST4: I have returned to meet my creator.

Admiral: You must do this because the Enterprise is the only ship in the quadrant.
Kirk: Really?
Admiral: No. It just sounded dramatic.

Probe from ST4: I am here to kill Mr. Neutron.

Announcer: It's 8 o'clock and time for the attacking alien ship over your planet to self-destruct.
SFX: Kaboom!
Kirk: How'd he know that?

Kirk (meeting new female crewmembers): Virgins to the right, non-virgins to the left.

Morn: Its...

Odo (just before changing shape): And now for something completely different.

Kirk: Go to red alert.
Spock: Are you sure you want to do that, sir?
Kirk: Yes. Let's go to red alert!
Spock: But is it really necesary? Yellow alert has got everyone ready for action and red alert just might prove to be a distraction.
Kirk: Mr. Spock, this is a red alert situation and I am going to red alert! Is there some reason why you don't want us to go to red alert?
Spock: It means changing the bulb and that yellow bulb gets so hot...

Cut lines from Shore Leave
Kirk: Is that a chicken with a pulley in the middle?

Kirk: Ensign Lang, do you know who is responsible for the female mud wrestling fantasy?

Spock: Ensign Archer is refusing to beam up. Apparently he's pretending to be captain of a 22nd century spaceship.

By Sophie on Saturday, August 31, 2002 - 06:10 pm:

At a party full of Admirals and Captains
Admiral: Jim Kirk's been falling for it for years. Remember when we sent him after the giant amoeba because his was the only ship in range.
(laughter)
And that V'Ger business. Told him Enterprise was the only ship in range. He actually asked for the mission!
(laughter)
And that "Genesis" trouble. Only ship in range, we said, and off he went. Boy, did he get spanked on that one!
hysterical laughter

Captain: Admiral, Sir, Captain Kirk is calling.

Admiral: Hush down everyone... Captain Kirk, I have grave news. The sewage reprocessing plant on Utopia Planitia has exploded. We need you to go and clean up the mess.

Kirk: It this really a job for Enterprise? You know there's only myself and 2 senior officers aboard at the moment.

Admiral: I'm sorry to do this to you Jim, but Enterprise is the only ship in range.

Kirk: Very well, Admiral. Kirk out.
Admirals and Captains convulse on the floor with laughter

By Sven of Nine on Sunday, September 01, 2002 - 06:12 am:

Picard: Ambassadeur, viz zis Rrromulan Ale you rrreally are spoiling us...

By Sven of Rolf Harris on Sunday, September 01, 2002 - 07:26 am:

[From "Encounter at Farpoint", as Data rescues Wesley from the holodeck river:]

Data: Kids and water, they love it!

By John A. Lang on Sunday, September 01, 2002 - 04:37 pm:

From STTMP:

Kirk: What is your full name, Lt. Ilia?

Ilia: Ilia Kama Sutra.

By KAM on Monday, September 02, 2002 - 03:57 am:

(Data rescues Wesley from the holodeck river)
Data: Oh, wait. This one's too small. (Throws Wesley back in)

By Will on Tuesday, September 03, 2002 - 11:14 am:

Data rescues Wesley from the holodeck river.
Data; "Oh, no! I caught a member of N*Sync! Yuck!" (Throws Wesley back in.)

Kirk; "Uhura, sound blue alert!"
Uhura; "Blue?! What's blue alert, sir?"
Kirk; "Uhura, hurry! Sound blue alert or we'll be destroyed!"
Uhura (frantically checking her console; "Blue alert? Where's the blue alert button?!"
Kirk; "UHURA!"
Uhura; "I can't find it! I don't know--"
Kirk; "Uhura! Signal blue alert NOW"
Uhura; "I-I-I-!!!???"
Kirk; "Never mind! April Fools! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

By Sven of Ecelente on Tuesday, September 03, 2002 - 02:18 pm:

More silliness from ST2:

Kirk: Be vewwy qwiet. I'm huntin' the Weliant...

Khan: I spit my last breath at thee...
[The Genesis device fails to go off]
Khan: Where's the kaboom? There's supposed to be a kaboom!

Uhura: Enterprise to Regula 1, please respond!
Regula 1: Thank you for contacting the Regula 1 science facility. All of our operators are either busy or lying in their own blood and vomit on the floor due to a run-in with some genetically-enhanced criminals. Please hold. [Russell Watson music plays repeatedly]

By ScottN on Tuesday, September 03, 2002 - 02:55 pm:

Here's a link to More Stuff You Never See on Star Trek.

By ScottN on Tuesday, September 03, 2002 - 03:03 pm:

And more from RHF:... 50 Ways to Kill an Ensign.

(Apologies to Paul Simon).

By KAMit the Frog here... on Wednesday, September 04, 2002 - 05:48 am:

Borg Queen (singing): It's not easy being queen...

Quark (as Lumba, singing): It's not easy being queen...

By Derf on Wednesday, September 04, 2002 - 07:00 am:

found this link for a Klingon rendition of Nights in White Satin ...
http://www.bits.bris.ac.uk/iain/klingonnights.html

By Sven of Kenny Everett on Wednesday, September 04, 2002 - 12:32 pm:

Reed: Guess the Universal Translator's finally working again, well, except for your unit, Commmander. What say we go off on this mission together?
Tucker: [mutters something untranscribable]
Hoshi: Charlie says "Always tell your Captain before you go off somewhere..."

By Sesame Sven on Wednesday, September 04, 2002 - 12:34 pm:

Thot Gor: [singing] "It's not easy being Breen..."

By KAM on Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 04:43 am:

(Data rescues Wesley from the holodeck river)
Data: Now I am off to the ship's Taxidermy shop to have him stuffed and mounted.

General Chang: You have never heard Dr. Suess until you have heard him in the original Klingon.

B'Ruce W'Ayne: Romulans are a cowardly, dishonorable bunch. I must have disguise that inspires fear in them. (sound of a sword falling) What's that...? It's an omen! I shall become Bat'lethman!

Kirk: Space... it's really dark with all these twinkly bits in it, but around some of these twinkly bits are planets with really hot space babes on them and it's my mission to boldly make out with them like no dude has ever made out before.

By Sophie on Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 05:37 am:

Enterprise does a fly-by.
Along the hull there's row of warbird stickers for every alien ship destroyed.
Below that there's a row of girly stickers for every space-babe with whom Kirk has "got busy".

By Sven of Hercules on Thursday, September 05, 2002 - 02:19 pm:

[And now, the inevitable "Andromeda" crossover, as seen in the Director's Cut version of "The Naked Now" (TNG):]

Data: There was a poem someone once mentioned below deck...
"There was a bold captain called Hunt,
Who--"
Picard: That's more than enough, Data.

By KAM on Sunday, September 08, 2002 - 07:02 am:

McCoy: Okay, Jim, now we're going to test your eyes.
(Eyechart comes down with silhoettes of women's bodies)
Kirk: Rand, Uhura, Wattel, Noel...

By XNZ on Sunday, September 08, 2002 - 08:28 am:

Trip: Hey, T'Pol, are you gonna watch the movie tonight? It's a real classic of American cinema.
T'Pol: What's it called?
Trip: Debbie Does Dallas.

Hoshi: Captain, I request that either T'Pol or Ensign Cutler go in my place to meet with these aliens.
Archer: But you're our translater. Why do you want to miss out on this first contact?
Hoshi: I'm a Japanese woman and they have tentacles. I don't want to risk finding out all those hentai movies were right.

By LUIGI NOVI on Monday, September 09, 2002 - 12:19 am:

Ugh.

By KAM borrowing from Jack Benny on Monday, September 09, 2002 - 03:52 am:

Hoshi: Capatain, there's been a slight problem with the Universal Translator. It still works, but for some reason it's translating into Spanish instead of English.
Archer: Well, I know a little Spanish so I'll ask the alien simple questions while you try to fix it. (to alien) Hello. What is your name?
Alien: Psi.
Archer: Are you married?
Alien: Si.
Archer: What's her name?
Alien: Soo
Archer: What does she do?
Alien: Sew.
Archer: Is she pretty?
Alien: Ugh!
Hoshi: Now it's translating to American Indian, sir.

By KAM on Tuesday, September 10, 2002 - 04:43 am:

Cyrano Jones: Would you like a Furby?

Klingon: You Earthers like those Tribbles?
Scotty: Not really. (pulls out a wrench and smashes the nearest Tribble)

Klingon: You Earthers like those Tribbles?
Scotty: Yes. Especially with fava beans and a nice chianti.

(Tribbles swarm over & completly cover a Klingon, then move away leaving just a skeleton)

By John A. Lang on Wednesday, September 11, 2002 - 08:17 pm:

Krola (From "First Contact" STTNG)
"If you contact us right now, you get free polyfoam padding, free delivery, and a free Bissel rug shampooer"

(Krola was the guy who looked like the "Empire Carpet" Salesman in that episode---See STTNG Season 4 for more details)

By KAM on Thursday, September 12, 2002 - 05:25 am:

Krola: My brother Kruller can be found in the donut shop.

Krola: My brother Kayola is quite the colorful fellow.

By Sophie on Saturday, September 14, 2002 - 05:15 am:

Here's why ships always meet on the same plane...

Enterprise encounters an alien ship which approaches in a different plane. When the aliens come on the viewscreen, they are sideways. Archer and co spend the whole episode leaning sideways trying to see the aliens properly...

By Sven of Nine displaying a rather camp X-Ray on Monday, September 16, 2002 - 11:04 am:

From "Star Trek 6":

[On Rura Penthe]
Kirk: I'm sorry, friend, the Universal Translator got lost on the way here.
Big alien: Ga-rah-na-MUHSH-MAAAAAHHH!
Kirk: I'm sorry?
Big Alien: GA-RAH-NA-MUHSH-MAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Martia: He says he wants you to pick up that bar of soap on the ground there.

By KAM on Tuesday, September 17, 2002 - 05:11 am:

The second name in my previous post should of read Krayola.

Troi: Oh, captain, that's awful news about your brother & nephew. Perhaps some music will cheer you up. Computer play a song.
(computer plays Talking Heads Burning Down The House)
Troi: Computer, another song.
(computer plays Johnny Cash's Ring Of Fire)
Troi: Computer! A different song!
(computer plays Jerry Lee Lewis' Great Balls Of Fire)

Scotty: ...and then the Klingon said you were a swaggering idiot with delusions of granduer.
Kirk: Then what did you do?
Scotty (shows hand with missing digit): I gave him the finger.

Any Klingon Warrior: Mommy!

By John A. Lang on Tuesday, September 17, 2002 - 09:07 pm:

Nurse: You need a transfusion Mr. Scott. What's your type?

Scotty: No bloody A,B,C, or D!

By Sophie of `Friends` on Tuesday, September 24, 2002 - 07:05 am:

Rand: How could you betray me by sleeping with all those alien women?
Kirk: We were on a break!!!

By Sophie - still of `Friends` on Tuesday, September 24, 2002 - 08:22 am:

Worf: As a Klingon, I share my father's disgrace.
Picard: For betraying your people at Kitomer?
Worf: No, because he is the hostess at a gay review bar.

Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're standed in the Delta Quadrant decades away from home, and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All except one track.
Janeway (bracing herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer:
Smelly cat, smell...lly cat
What are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smell...lly cat
It's not your fault
They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favourite pet
It may not be a bed of roses
And you're not friend to those with noses

By John A. Lang on Tuesday, September 24, 2002 - 08:52 pm:

Kor: "We are the Klingons who say, 'NI!' "

McCoy: "He's dead, Jim"
Ensign: "Not yet."

McCoy: (pushing a cart in the corridor) "Bring me your dead"

By John A.. Lang on Wednesday, September 25, 2002 - 05:03 am:

Spock: Fascinating. All the women here are scantily clad.
McCoy: I wonder why that is.
Woman: It's in The Book.
McCoy: The Book?
Woman: Yes. Here. (Passes thin magazine)
Spock: "Sports Illustrated - Swimsuit Edition"?
McCoy: I think we found the violation of the Prime Directive.
Spock: Captain, we must beam up and report this to Starfleet.
Kirk: You and McCoy do that. I'll stay here and begin diplomatic relations. It may take a few days.

By John A. Lang on Wednesday, September 25, 2002 - 05:06 am:

SPECIAL EPISODE:

Riker: Counselor, why are you dressed in that skimpy bikini with the thong bottom?

Troi: I'm beaming down to John A. Lang. It's his birthday today.

By KAM on Wednesday, September 25, 2002 - 07:04 am:

Start of the Voyager Movie
Janeway: It's nice to have the whole crew together for Voyager's final cruise before she's retired to the museum.
Kim: Captain, I'm reading somekinda spacial anomoly!
(The bridge shakes, everyone is thrown from side to side)
Tuvok: Captain, we're being hailed.
Maj Cullah (on viewscreen): What are you doing here?
Janeway: Here we go again.

Borg Queen: I'm tired of cubes & spheres & things. Design a ship that looks like a Mobius strip!

By KAM´s b-day gift to JAL on Wednesday, September 25, 2002 - 07:08 am:

Riker: Counselor, why are you dressed in that skimpy bikini with the thong bottom?
Troi: I'm beaming down to John A. Lang. It's his birthday today.
(Enter Yeoman Rand wearing ribbon & a bow)
Rand: Hands off! He's mine!

By Sven to Sven on Thursday, September 26, 2002 - 02:08 pm:

About time we had something we'll never see on DS9:

The NEW opening sequence from season 4 onwards:

Dax: [voice-over] "This is ma boss, Benjamin Sisko. A self-made Captain... who's quite a guy."

"This is Kasidy Yates... she's gorgeous. She's one mercenary trader who knows how to take care of herself."

"By the way, my name is Dax. I take care of both of 'em, which ain't easy...
... 'cause when they met.... it was MOYDAH!"

By Sophie - Welcome to DS9 - you`ll never leave on Friday, September 27, 2002 - 04:25 am:

Kira: Here's the new ambassador from the Gamma Quadrant
Sisko (sinister): Is he local?

By KAM on Friday, September 27, 2002 - 05:56 am:

The first Jem'Hadar to meet someone from the Alpha Quadrant: Do you haff relatiffs in zis quadrant?

Rejected DS9 opening
(A dead Bajoran on a chessboard)
Announcer: Crimes committed against Bajorans have to be avenged by agents extraordinare.
(Enter Sisko wearing a suit, bowler hat & carrying an umbrella & Kira wearing a tight leather outfit)
Announcer: Two such people are Commander Sisko, top professional, & his partner Kira Nerise, talented amateur, and they are in command of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine!
(Cut to regular credits & music)

By Will on Friday, September 27, 2002 - 11:19 am:

Rejected DS9 opening;
Through the mists of a nebula appears the word 'Deep', then 'Space 9', then Sisko who jumps for joy as quitting time arrives. He jumps out of his chair, and a glowing piece of anti-matter flips up and sticks to his back. In the background is Admiral Ross, who's annoyed that his watch isn't working; he was sure it was 4:59pm and not 5pm.
Kira pushes a shopping cart through the shops on the Promenade.
Quark is yanked out of her shopping cart by Odo, who runs him across a scanner looking for concealed weapons or contraband.
Jake is in detention, writing on the chalkboard; 'Armpit noises are offensive to Vulcans'.
Dax plays a sax, and is kicked out of the classroom she was in.
Sisko notices the stick of anti-matter on his back, and throws it out of the runabout he's piloting, which nearly hits Jake, who's zooming past Morn, Lita, Rom, and various aliens, while on an anti-gravity skateboard.
Kira is piloting her own runabout, beside Quark, who's slunk down on the seat so Odo can't see him.
Jake and Dax arrive at Sisko's, narrowly bumping into him as he exits his runabout.
Kira's runabout comes crashing into the hangar, forcing Sisko to run for his life.
Sisko, Kira, Dax, Jake, Odo, and Quark all race for their favorite seats on the couch, but are beamed away.

By Sven of Alan Ball on Friday, September 27, 2002 - 07:16 pm:

The original ending of the DS9 pilot episode:

Sisko: [voice-over] "My name is Benjamin Sisko. This is my station. This is my office. This... is my life. I'm thirty-seven years old. In less than seven years, I'll be one with the Prophets.

Of course, I don't know that yet.
And in a way, I'm one with the Prophets already."

By John A. Lang on Friday, September 27, 2002 - 09:01 pm:

YET ANOTHER DS9 REJECTED OPENING:

Sisko: (Narrating) Once upon a time, there were three beautiful girls in the academy...
(images of Dax, Kira & Leeta training in Starfleet)
....and they were each given very "hazardous" assignments...
(images of Dax escorting Klingon children across the street, Kira writing out parking tickets, Leeta typing, then given more paperwork)
...but I took them away from all that....my name is Benjamin...

(Fiery explosion w/ silohouettes of Dax, Kira, & Leeta holding phasers with words: "Sisko's Angels" appearing.

By John A. Lang on Friday, September 27, 2002 - 09:18 pm:

REJECTED VOYAGER OPENING:

(Chorus of men singing)

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from this Starfleet port
Aboard this tiny ship (shows pic of Voyager)

The mate was a mighty sailing man (Chakotay pic)
The Skipper brave and sure (Janeway pic)
Five passengers set sail that day
For a three-hour tour, a three hour tour

The wormhole started getting rough
The tiny ship was tossed
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
The Voyager would be lost, the Voyager would be lost

The ship set course in the quadrant of this
Uncharted area of space
With Chakotay, (Chakotay pic) and Janeway too (Janeway pic)
An alien, (Neelix pic) and a Vulcan (Tuvok pic)
A Borgette (7 of 9)
The EMH (EMH pic) and the engineer (Torres pic)
Here on the USS Voyager!

By ScottN on Friday, September 27, 2002 - 10:29 pm:

REJECTED DS9 Opening

This is the Station.
Terek Nor, or Deep Space 9.
There are a thousand stories on this station.
My name is Odo. I carry a badge.

By ScottN on Friday, September 27, 2002 - 10:39 pm:

John, not bad but I'd do it this way...

The ship set course in the quadrant of this
Uncharted area of space
With Janeway, Chakotay to...
Helmboy (Paris) and his wife (Torres)
An Ex-Borg Babe (7/9)
The EMH and Harry Kim
Here on USS Voyager!

(Alas *SOMEONE* needs to be left out, and I picked Tuvok).

By Sophie on Saturday, September 28, 2002 - 09:11 am:

Rejected opening for DS9:

Worf is flying a runabout, which is being attacked. He is battered, bruised and tattered from brutal hand to hand combat. Consoles explode around him as, wild-eyed, he fights the evade his attackers. As he nears DS9 the runabout explodes and Worf is thrown against the hull of the station.

Rapidly expiring in the vacuum of space, Worf drags himself to a airlock and laboriously hauls himself inside. As the inner door of the airlock opens, Worf lies prostrate on the deck plating. With his last ounce of strength he looks up at the camera and croaks:
"It's..."

Cut to cheery credits: "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine."

By Sophie on Saturday, September 28, 2002 - 09:20 am:

Another ejected opening:
A closeup of the station with the words "DEEP SPACE NINE" on the hull.
Except that every week some wag has rearranged the letters:
e.g.
APE NEED SPICE
E

OK, I was never good at anagrams...

By LUIGI NOVI on Saturday, September 28, 2002 - 09:34 am:

John A. Lang: The wormhole started getting rough
Luigi Novi: "Shouldn't be the displacement wave started getting rough"?

By Sven of Emma Noble on Saturday, September 28, 2002 - 08:35 pm:

Ezri: Julian, I have to confess to you a deep and dark secret. One of my previous hosts had an affair with Benjamin Sisko some years ago. They'd seen each other for a while.
Bashir: You mean... Jadzia had a thing for him? And they had a fling? And she never told anyone for all this time? Captain Sisko never told anyone?!
Ezri: Er, actually it wasn't *Jadzia*...

By John A. Lang on Saturday, September 28, 2002 - 10:07 pm:

REJECTED THEME SONG FOR TOS:
"Macho Man" (Village People) (Yeah, I know it wasn't written yet, but as a Nitpicker, I don't deal in reality)

REJECTED THEME SONG FOR STTNG:
"How Deep Is Your Love?" (BeeGees)

REJECTED THEME SONG FOR DS9:
"Brahm's Lullaby" (Johannes Brahms)

REJECTED THEME SONG FOR VOYAGER:
"Help!" (The Beatles)

By KAM on Sunday, September 29, 2002 - 07:00 am:

John & Luigi, I think "The Badlands started getting rough" would work better.

Rejected Theme Song for NextGen
Leah Brahms Lullaby.

Rejected Theme Song for Enterprise
Anything that sounds good.

(Dax comes out the Holosuite with her hair & uniform all messed up)
Kira: What happened to you?
Dax: Holoprogram. Klingons, Cardassians, Jem'Hadar, Ferengi...
Kira: That must have been some battle.
Dax: Battle?

Jake: I'm going to be a writer.
Nog: But you have no talent.
Jake: Then I'll write for Voyager.

Sisko: Yassir, Admiral Ross. Ise do ev'ryting you say.

The scene before Leeta & Bashir broke up
Leeta: Julian is that a picture of you as a child before all the genetic engineering?
Bashir: Yes. It was taken when I was a little girl.

Unused Deep Space Nine openings
(Close-up of a man in a spacesuit painting then pulls out to reveal the station)
The actual show is set three million years after everyone on the station has been killed by Jem'Hadar, when Sisko returns from the Celestial Temple

(Fast paced music, showing various shots of the cast & Kira fighting various aliens. Title comes up as Kira, The Cardassian Slayer)

(Shot of the entire cast (who changes positions) inside the runabout bopping to the song Hanging Out Around The Wormhole)

Unused Classic Trek Openings
(Same visuals)
Singers: It's The Real Thing...

SFX: Warp engines revving.
Singers: Here he comes just zooming through outer space
Sleeping with the women of any old alien race
He's revving up the powerful Enterprise
Go James T. Kirk! Go James T. Kirk! Go James T. Kirk, Go!

By John A. Lang on Sunday, September 29, 2002 - 07:37 am:

UNUSED HOLODECK PROGRAM -VOYAGER:

Jungle scene...
Chakotay in a loincloth swinging from the trees on a vine, approaches the Captain, beats his chest and says, "Me Tarzan, you Jane-way."

By Sven of Death Sticks on Sunday, September 29, 2002 - 08:24 am:

Picard: "Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a Starfleet career. Choose a crew. Choose a [censored] big starship, choose replicators, shuttlecraft, a classical music catalogue, and self-sealing stem bolts. Choose good health, Earl Grey tea, and alien prostheses. Choose fixed-rate diplomatic missions. Choose a decent tricorder. Choose your friends. Choose phasers and matching torpedoes. Choose a Captain's Chair on hire purchase in a range of [censored] fabrics. Choose a transporter and wondering where the [censored] you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that Chair watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing ship battles, spouting [censored] barked orders from your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, musing your last in your miserable ready room, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, [censored]-up First Officer you have mentored to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.

But why would I want to do a thing like that?

I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got Deanna Troi?"

By John A. Lang on Sunday, September 29, 2002 - 08:26 am:

REJECTED SONG FROM "GENERATIONS":
Theme from: "Welcome Back, Kotter"

REJECTED SONG FROM DS9:
(Sisko) Deep Space Nine is the place for me.
Station livin' is the life for me.
Space spreadin' out so far and wide
Keep Manhattan, just give me that ol' wormhole.
(Kira) No..Bajor is where I'd rather have parties.
I get allergic smelling Cardies.
I just adore a penthouse view.
Dah-ling I love you but give me Jeraddo Ave.
(Sisko)...The chores.
(Kira)...Uridium!
(Sisko)...Life support!
(Kira)...Kendra Valley!
(Sisko)You are my wife.
(Kira)Good bye, Bajor life.
(Both) Deep Space Nine we are there.

By John A. Lang on Sunday, September 29, 2002 - 12:51 pm:

REJECTED SONG FROM "FIRST CONTACT"

They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're all together ooky,
The Borg Collective
Their Cube is a museum
Where people come to see 'em
They really are a scream
The Borg Collective.
(Neat) {snap snap)
(Sweet) (snap snap)
(Petite) (snap snap)
So get a red shirt on
A shuttle you can crawl on
We're gonna pay a call on
The Borg Collective. (snap snap)

By norman on Monday, September 30, 2002 - 02:13 am:

From Shockwave, Part II:

T'Pol (Looking behind her): Have you found Archer?

Tasha Yar: I'm getting too much interference, Sir.

From Cross Creek:

T'Pol's Ancestor: I have brought this new invention. It is called "the band of meditation."

Patent Office Person: Doesn't sound catchy. How about Hula Hoop?

By KAM on Monday, September 30, 2002 - 05:26 am:

Data: Choose life? But I am an android.

Lore: Who needs reasons when you have an emotion chip.

Borg Queen: Choose assimilation.

Sisko: Choose to bash Bashir's head in.

General Martok: Choose Tacos.

Wayoun: Choose tapioca.

A chicken: Choose to cross the road.

The Frank Conspiracy: Choose Frank.

Spock: Choose logic.

Cyranno Jones: Choose a Tribble.

Uhura: Choose a hailing frequency.

Chekov: Choose Russia.

Troi: What's a choice?

Crusher: Choose a bald man.

Worf: Choose battle!

Odo: Choose a shape.

Quark: Choose latinum.

Janeway: Choose coffee.

McCoy: He didn't choose life, Jim.

Alternate take from Carbon Creek
T'Mir: It is called a Tension Sheet. (she brings out a square of bubble wrap painted red)

By Choose Sven. Choose Life {imprisonment} on Monday, September 30, 2002 - 06:28 am:

Kirk: Choose a [censored] big Spawnk. Choose Okmyx in a range of [censored] Kowels. Choose fixed-rate Uhuru payments. Choose a Gumato and wondering how the [censored] it's spelled on a Sunday morning.
Choose your future. Choose Scpipt.

By Sven of Muirhouse on Monday, September 30, 2002 - 06:40 am:

The Borg: Choose resistance - it's futile anyway.

Madred: Choose five lights!

O'Brien: Choose Keiko, but I like Julian more.

Capt. Terrell: Choose Ceti Alpha V by mistake.

Seven of Nine: Choose some [censored] big implants.

By Sven of all together now... on Monday, September 30, 2002 - 06:49 am:

Picard: CHOOSE... FOUR... LIGHTS!!!!

By John A. Lang on Monday, September 30, 2002 - 07:49 am:

STAR TREK ON "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"

Peter Marshall to Soren: (The Outcast)
"You're having trouble sleeping at night..aw...are you a man or a woman?"
Soren: "That's probably what's keeping me awake all night."

(Based on a question posed to Don Knotts)

Spock on a game show...hearing the "incorrect answer buzzer": "Are we on red alert? If not, that sound would be considered illogical."

By Sophie on Monday, September 30, 2002 - 08:47 am:

Scotty: Choose no bloody A, B, C or D

Harry Kim: Choose the wrong Delaney sister

His Divine Shadow: Choose to ignore prophesy

Xev: Choose a dead guy

Stanley Tweedle: Choose badly (oops, wrong series)

Grail Knight: Choose wisely (oops, wrong genre)

Picard: Choose a c**p hair restorer

Troi: Choose 14 different types of chocolate

Janeway: Choose the [censored] long way home

By Will on Monday, September 30, 2002 - 11:17 am:

Q; Choose to harass Picard.

Barclay; Ch-choose a short Riker for your holo-program.

Chekov; Choose anything inwented in Russia!

Sulu; Choose a sword.

Janeway; Choose to sound like Katherine Hepburn.

Chakotay; Choose a different tattoo.

By Sophie on Tuesday, October 01, 2002 - 03:39 pm:

Troi: Captain, I must complain. John A Lang has drawn a picture of me.
Picard: Why is that a problem, Counselor?
Troi: He used tracing paper!

(Intended kindly, John)

By Sven of Nine, NitCentral`s very own Sick Boy on Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 04:30 am:

Data: Choose a feline supplement.

Gowron: Today is a good day to choose glorious death!

Worf: Men do not choose life, women do. Then they hurl [censored] big televisions at you...

Rand: Choose the love of your life, but HANDS OFF! HE'S MINE!

Q: You're choosing your future right now. You chose it before and you'll choose it again!

Khan: Choose the scenery. [think about it]

By Choose KAM on Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 05:17 am:

Data: Choose a feline supplement.
Spot: Lasagna.

Kirk (singing): Just give me Rand, lots of Rand under starry skies above...

Redshirt: Choose Li.... Aaaaaaaaa (clutches chest and dies)

Kang: Choose not to fight in a burning house.
Ghost of Robert Picard: Now you tell me!

Lwaxana Troi: Choose a man. Any man.

Harry Mudd: Choose a wife. I have quite a selection.

Hirogen: Choose a prey.

T'Pring: Choose Stonn.

Kes: Choose to dump Neelix.

Voyager Producers: Choose to dump Kes.

Mestral: Choose to stay.

Stron: Choose to go.

T'Mir: Choose a purse.

By A Clueless Person on Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 11:20 am:

I'm afraid I don't get the "Choose" jokes.

By Sophie on Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 02:07 pm:

Although I've never seen the film, I recognise it as something from the film "Trainspotting":

choose life.choose a job. choose a career. choose a family. choose a [censored] big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disk players and electrical tin openers........ Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. choose a starter home. choose your friends. choose DIY and wondering who the [censored] u are on sunday morning. choose sitting on the coach watching mind numbing , spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home nothing more than an embarassement to the selfish,[censored]-up brats
you spawned to replace yourself. choose your future. choose life. but why would i want to do a thing like that?

I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? there are no reasons.
who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

By Sven of yadda yadda yadda on Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 03:15 pm:

And Sophie gets the $64,000!* Come to Edinburgh one day - it's a great place!


*This isn't strictly true. I don't actually carry that much loose change on me.

By Sparrow47 on Wednesday, October 02, 2002 - 05:46 pm:

Having visited Edinburgh I can second Sven's reccomendation!

By Sophie - thank Sven for giving me the idea... on Wednesday, October 09, 2002 - 10:36 am:

Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're standed in the Delta Quadrant decades away from home, and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All except one track.
Janeway (bracing herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer (as drunken Kevin Riley): I'll take you home again Kathleen...

By KAM or is it? on Thursday, October 10, 2002 - 07:13 am:

Hoshi: Travis? I thought you were on the bridge?
Travis: No, that's the dead duplicate of me.
Hoshi: How long has it been there?
Travis: Three episodes so far & no one has noticed.

By Sing along with KAM on Thursday, October 10, 2002 - 07:19 am:

Seven (singing): I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world, I am plastic, it's fantastic...

The Maquis (singing): Gypsies, tramps & theives...

Harry Kim (singing): Staying alive, saying alive, ooh ooh ooh ooh staying aliiiiiiiiiiiiiive...

Morn (singing): The song of silence

By KAM on Thursday, October 10, 2002 - 07:22 am:

Admiral Paris: You have to do this Janeway.
Janeway: Why?
Admiral Paris: Because Voyager is the only ship in the quadrant.
Janeway: You think I'm as gullible as Kirk?

By Sparrow47 on Thursday, October 10, 2002 - 07:43 am:

Kirk: Captain's log, supplemental. We have discovered a primitive planet whose population is almost entirely made up of women. However, they are in danger of dying out due to a lack of breeding stock. In order to save them, I am going to beam down...

McCoy: Now wait just a minute there, Jim! You're making that up!

Kirk: ... I will also be taking Dr. McCoy with me...

McCoy: That's better.

and BTW, Kam, is that the "Song of Silence" or the "Sounds of Silence"?

By Sophie on Thursday, October 10, 2002 - 10:10 am:

Computer: Welcome to the Captaincy aptitude test. You are aboard the Enterprise. The USS Lexington is on a collision course with the a Federation colony. Their crew are incapacitated by an alien virus. What do you do?
Worf: I use the tractor beam to deflect the Lexington's course.
Computer: Suppose the Lexington is out of tractor beam range.
Worf: I use the prefix code to gain control of the Lexington and order it to change course.
Computer: Suppose the Lexington's computer is down?
Worf: I beam aboard in an environment suit and change course manually.
Computer: Suppose Lexington's shields are up?
Worf: I warn the colony to activate its defences.
Computer: Suppose the colony has no defences?
Worf: When I go and fetch my son.
pause
Computer: Why do you fetch your son?
Worf: Because he has never seen a Starship crash before.

By KAM on Friday, October 11, 2002 - 07:28 am:

Sparrow, whichever one is correct.

Sophie, cute gag, although I found myself thinking of a possible serious answer. If the Lexington's shields are up then couldn't Worf fire low-yield photon torpedoes at the ship's bow to alter it's course away from the colony? If the Lexington were far enough away it should work.

Oh, well, back to trying to be funny.

Colony Leader: Captain Picard, were you able to stop the asteroid that was on a collision course with our colony?
Picard: I'm afraid not. You see it's an ultra-dense fragment of a quark star. Our weapons were useless against it and our tractor beams were unable to alter its trajectory.
Colony Leader: Oh, no! What can we do?
Picard: Well, you could put your head between your legs and...

Trip: If you ask me Starfleet has gone too far this time.
Archer: What is it?
Trip: They want to add a cup to the saucer section.

By KAM on Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 06:04 am:

Archer (singing): I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay...

Worf: You have never heard the music of John Tesh until you have heard it in the original Klingon.

Reed: I have no idea how the dead, naked body of Travis' duplicate got into my quarters.

Geordi: Data, why do you call your cat Spot? (steps on a wet spot on the carpet) Never mind.

By Will on Thursday, October 17, 2002 - 11:17 am:

Lost scene from 'The Deadly Years';
Spock enters Kirk's quarters after the competency hearing has reached a verdict.
Kirk; "Spock?"
Spock; "Yes, sir."
Kirk; "So...I've been relieved."
Spock; "Yes, sir."
Kirk; "Spock, do recall my testimony at my court martial at Starbase 10?"
Spock; "Yes, sir."
Kirk; "Then what part of 'NOTHING IS AS IMPORTANT TO ME THAN MY SHIP!' did you not understand???!!"
Spock; "Oh, yea. Sorry."

Followed by...
Kirk; "If you're not in command, who is?"
Spock; "Lt.Leslie."
Kirk; "Leslie?! The man's a red-shirt! And isn't he dead?"
Spock; "Not this week, sir."

Quark; "Darn bugs! They keep finding their way into my bar!" (Squashes one of with a padd)
Dax; "Anybody see Ambassador Bzzt of the planet Buzzzz? He's just a little guy with wings and stripes on his back."
Quark; "Oh buggers!"

By Svendoza of Nine on Saturday, October 19, 2002 - 02:05 pm:

Imagine, if you will, DS9 from the Dominion's point of view. The opening sequence might go something like this:

VO: "It is the 24th Century. From all over the Gamma Quadrant great ships soar across the Galaxy to conquer new systems in the Alpha Quadrant. The Jem'Hadar eager to seek their fortune, to find new adventure in new lands. They long to cross uncharted sectors and discover unknown planets, to find secret latinum on an interstellar trail high in the Denorios Belt. They dream of following the path of the Great Wormhole, that leads to Bajor, and.... The Mysterious Cities of White!!!"

[cue the music and opening song]

By They Phlox you up, says Sven of Nine on Sunday, October 20, 2002 - 08:45 am:

From "Schisms" (TNG):

Data: And now, ladies and gentlemen, I shall recite for you Philip Larkin's "This Be The Verse".

By John A. Lang on Monday, October 21, 2002 - 09:16 pm:

Yet more "choose a..." jokes

End Credits Person from 1st season of TOS: "Choose a scpipt"
Kirk: "Choose a babe"
Phil Farrand: "Choose a nit" (hey, that one was easy and everyone missed it!)
John A. Lang: "Choose Troi"

By Sven of Nine, overdosed on a liquid diet of neat sarcasm on Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 04:39 pm:

From "Insurrection":

Troi: Have you noticed how this script has started to stink up?
Beverly: Not that care about such things in this day and age.

(Hey! We can replace certain words with anything we want and still make it funny! That's comedy! ) [In case you were wondering, he was being sarcastic. - everyone] Well, duh!

By Merat on Tuesday, October 22, 2002 - 09:02 pm:

Yeah, its only funny when the word is "pants".

:-|

By Sven of Al Murray on Wednesday, October 23, 2002 - 02:21 pm:

[takes in deep breath and counts to ten slowly]

And.... relax!

By KAM´s pants on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 06:22 am:

Uhura: Pants open, sir.

Kirk: Our mission to find strange new pants...

Picard: Counselor, what do sense from the alien's pants?

Borg: We are the Borg. Your pants will be assimilated.

Kirk: Mr. Sulu, pants on stun.

Scotty: Cap'n, my poor pants can't take any more!

Jem'Hadar battle speech: From this moment you are pantsless. You will only get your pants back when you complete your mission.

Wayoun: Would these pants be aesthetic if they were blue?

Kira: The Prophets live in the Celestial Pants.

Holodoc: Please state the nature of the Pants Emergency?

Enterprise theme song: ...for I have pants of the heart...

By KAM on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 06:23 am:

Admiral: You have to do it Jim. You have the only pants in the quadrant.

By K4/\/\ on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 06:35 am:

K1rk: R0mu14n sh1p, w3 0wnz j00.

Sp0ck: N0 r3sponz. Th3y b3 d1ss1n' j00. R3c0mm3nd j00 sm4q 3m ups1d3 d4 h34d 4nd sh0w d3m wh0's d4 M4ck D4ddy, s1r.

K1rk: Mr. Su1u, s3t ph4s3rs t0 b1tchs14p.

By Sophie on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 07:14 am:

Kirk: We don't need gods anymore. We find pants sufficient.

Spock: Excuse me Sir, but there is a multi-legged creature crawling on your pants. Guard bends over and Spock kicks him up the...

McCoy: It's those green Vulcan pants that kept him alive! from Obsession

Sisko: I try not to question the word of anybody who wears those pants.

Data: Enquiry. Pants?

Kara: Pants, pants, what is pants?

Picard: Target their pants, Mr Worf.

Worf: Pants integrity down to 10%, Sir.

Jake: The entire future of the galaxy may depend on us tracking down pants.

Kirk: Pants, the final frontier...

Spock: Peace, and long pants.

McCoy: In this Galaxy, there's a mathematical probability of three million Earth-type planets. And in all the Universe, three million million galaxies like this. And in all of that, and perhaps more, only one pair of pants.

Tarkin: What is the location of the hidden rebel pants?

Yoda: Pants matters not. Judge me by my pants, do you?

Cat: All your pants are belong to us.

By Sophie on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 07:31 am:

Captain Dathon (Darmok): Clinton, his pants unfurled...

By ScottN on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 09:59 am:

Ferengi Rule of Acquisition: Once you have their pants, never give them back.

Since Sophie brought it up...

Vader: I find your lack of pants disturbing...

By Will on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 11:16 am:

LOL! You guys are getting all the best pants jokes! Now I gotta put some effort into this...

Kirk; That's not Nancy Crater, Bones. It's a creature that needs pants to live.

Robert Crater; Why don't you just leave us alone? We need extra pants because of the heat, but that's all.

Sarek; I married your mother because it was the only pants thing to do.
Amanda; Pants! Pants! I'm sick to death about your pants! Do you want to know what I think about your pants?

Alternate-Chekov; So, you die, Captain! And we all move up in rank! Nobody will question the assassination of a captain who has disobeyed prime pants of the empire!

Decker; If you'd seen it you'd know it was a weapon! It must be! It was miles long, with pants that could swallow a dozen starships!

Vina; You even forget how to repair the machines left behind by your ancestors. You just sit,living and reliving other pants left behind in the pants record.

By Sparrow47 on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 01:53 pm:

Kai Opaka: Your pants are strong.

Scotty's Nephew: The word, admiral?
Kirk: The word is pants.

By Sven of Nine - The Wrath of Pants on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 02:56 pm:

[must... fight... urge.... AAAH! Too late!]

Pants off! She's mine!

[Yes! We've seduced Sven to the Pants Side! - everyone]

Locutus: From this day forth... you will service.... pants!

Picard: THERE!!! ARE!!! FOUR!!!! PANTS!!!

Janeway: There's coffee in those pants!

Kirk: We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior pants.

Spock: Pants, pants, pants. Pants are the beginning of wisdom, not the end.

Kirk: Maybe we weren't meant for pants. Maybe we were meant to fight our way through. Struggle. Claw our way up, scratch for every inch of the way. [That's absolutely disgusting! - everyone]

Spock: Sir, you are a pants starship captain. But as a taxi driver, you leave pants to be desired.

Hugh: No.... *I*.... am Pants!

Kirk (again!): The only solution is... a balance of pants. We arm our side with exactly that much more. A balance of pants - the trickiest, most difficult, dirtiest game of them all. But the only one that preserves both pants.

Benny Russell: The future! I created it! And it's PANTS!!!!!

Kirk (from Star Trek 2): PAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNTTS!!

Russell Watson: "I'm going where my pants will take me..."

By Sven of Nine - smooth as an android`s bottom on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 03:14 pm:

Data: Captain ... I believe I speak for everyone here, sir, when I say, 'To Hell with our pants.'

Picard: The pants must be drawn HERE! THIS far, NO FURTHER!

Lily: You broke your little pants....

Troi: Have you noticed how your pants have started to firm up?
Beverly: Not that care about such things in this day and age.

Picard: How many pants does it take before it becomes wrong? Hmm? A thousand? Fifty thousand? A million? How many pants does it take, Admiral!?

Dr. Soran (to Kirk): Actually, I am familiar with history, Captain, and if I'm not mistaken, you're pants!

Data: Pants up, lock and load!

Troi: Pants line?! This is no time to argue about pants! We don't HAVE the pants! ...What was I saying?
Riker: You're pants.
Troi: I am not.
Riker: Yes you are!
Troi: Look. He wouldn't even talk to me unless I had a drink with him. And then, it took three shots of something called 'pants' just to find out that HE was the one we're looking for! And I've spent the last twenty minutes trying to keep his pants off me! So don't go criticizing my counselling pants!

By Sven of Nine - Deep Space Pants on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 03:21 pm:

From "Duet" (DS9):

Kira: If your pants are going to be this transparent, this is going to be a very short interrogation.
Marritza/Darhe'el: Then I'll try to make my pants more opaque....

By ScottN on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 03:21 pm:

B'ellana: Get those pants to Sickbay!

By ScottN on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 03:22 pm:

Khan: Well, Captain Kirk, it is very cold in pants!

By Sven of near-vindication - but only in his MIND!!!! on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 03:22 pm:

You see, Scott! That line just isn't funny anymore!

By Sven of Nine - these are the voyage of the starship Underpants on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 03:37 pm:

(your first one, that is, not the second one...)


Russell Watson: "... And I will see my pants come alive at last..."

Data: "There was a young woman from Venus,
Whose pants were shaped like a--"

Troi: Great pants... and happiness!

Q: May whatever god you believe in.... have mercy on your pants!

By Sven of I`m not done just yet... on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 04:00 pm:

Edith Keeler: One day, soon, man will be able to harness incredible pants, pants that could ultimately hurl us to other worlds in... in some sort of pants-ship. And the men who reach out into space will be able to find ways to feed the hungry millions of the world and to cure their pants. Those are the days worth living for!

Pike: Do you want me to try my theory out on your pants?

Riker: Fate protects fools, little children and pants called Enterprise.

Odo: You'd shoot a man in the pants?!
Garak: It's the safest way, isn't it?

Worf: Men do not roar, women roar. Then they hurl heavy pants at you...

Q: Micropants! Growl for me! Let me know you still care!

Worf (from "The Survivors"): Good tea. Nice pants.

Garak: The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of pants.

Picard: Mr Worf, acknowledge the signal from New Berlin and transmit another copy of Starfleet Pants Recognition Protocol... and tell them to read it, this time!

Wesley: Captain, we're receiving two hundred eighty-five thousand pants!

By Charles Cabe (Ccabe) on Thursday, October 24, 2002 - 07:35 pm:

>Khan: Well, Captain Kirk, it is very cold in pants! >

Kirk: Mabye you should borrow my pants, I don't have any problem with that.

By Sven of Nine - Attack of the Pantaloons on Friday, October 25, 2002 - 02:33 am:

I've still got a few to spare....

Quark: "Never make fun of a Ferengi's pants!"

Worf: Pants to the opposition!

Robin Lefler: Your pants are drifting....

O'Brien: I HATE pants mechanics!

By Sophie on Friday, October 25, 2002 - 03:09 am:

Maj Cullah (Basics): A fitting end for a people who would not share their pants. Let's see how you manage to survive without them.

By KAM´s Pants on Friday, October 25, 2002 - 05:49 am:

Pants Titles
The Pants Trap
Where No Pants Have Gone Before
The Naked Pants
The Pants Within
Mudd's Pants
What Are Little Pants Made Of?
Dagger of the Pants
Pants of the Mind
The Pants Maneuver
The Conscience of the Pants
The Pants of the King
Pants of Terror
Balance of Pants
Pants Leave
Shore Pants
The Pants of Gothos
The Squire of Pants
Tomorrow Is Pants
The Return of the Pants
Space Pants
A Taste of Pants
This Side of Pants
The Devil in the Pants
The Pants in the Dark
Pants of Mercy
The Alternative Pants
The Pants on the Edge of Forever
The City on the Pants of Forever
The City on the Edge of Pants
Operation--Pants!
Amok Pants
Who Mourns For Pants?
The Doomsday Machine
The Doomsday Machine
I, Pants
Pants to Babel
Friday's Pants
The Deadly Pants
Pants in the Fold
Wolf in the Pants
The Trouble with Pants
The Pants with Tribbles
The Gamesters of Pants
The Pants of Triskelion
A Piece of the Pants
The Immunity Pants
A Private Little Pants
Pants of Force
Patterns of Pants
By Any Other Pants
The Omega Pants
The Ultimate Pants
Pants and Circuses
Bread and Pants
Assignment: Pants
Spock's Pants
The Pants Incident
The Paradise Pants
And The Pants Shall Lead
Is There In Pants No Beauty?
Is There In Truth No Pants?
Spectre of the Pants
Day of the Pants
For the Pants Are Hollow and I Have Touched [CENSORED]
The Tholian Pants
The Pants Web
Plato's Pants
Whom Pants Destroy
Let That Be Your Last Pants
The Mark of Pants
The Pants of Zetar
The Lights of Pants
Pants for Methuselah
Requiem for Pants
The Way To Pants
The Savage Pants
All Our Pants
Turnabout Pants
Pants Intruder

By KAM with more Pants You´d Never Wear In Star Trek on Friday, October 25, 2002 - 06:15 am:

Quark: I accept gold-pressed pants.

Spock: Infinite Diversity, Infinite Pants.

Garak: Are you sure that's the moral of the story?
Bashir: What else could it be?
Garak: Don't wear the same pants twice.

Hoshi: I wonder if we have any pants onboard?

Kahn: The Klingons have a saying, 'Pants are a dish best served cold.'

Sulu: Pants are down 20%.

Kirk: Get my pants out of there!

Chang: You have never heard Shakespeare until you have heard him in the original pants.

Seven: I am Seven of Pants.

Worf: The Romulans attacked our pants at Khitomer.

Admiral: Enterprise is the only ship in the pants.

Gaurdian: I am the Guardian of Pants!

Cyranno Jones: Would you like some pants?

Archer: I don't want anyone going into Daniel's pants.

McCoy: These pants are Klingon.

Phlox: I'm sorry captain, but you and T'Pol will have to stay in pants.

Scotty: What is it?
Data (sniffing drink): It is pants.

By Sophie`s bizarre pants on Friday, October 25, 2002 - 08:02 am:

Some DS9 pants:-

Pants-less
Battle Pants
Invasive Pants
Necessary Pants
Armaggedon Pants
The House of Pants
Civil Pants
Pants Support
Pants of Stone
Heart of Pants
Distant Pants
Through the Looking Pants
Improbable Pants
Family Pants
The Way of the Pants
Hippocratic Pants
Little Green Pants
Pants Down
The Pants of Kahless
Pants Lost
Return of Pants
The Pants of Mogh
The Pants Association
Pants of Engagement
Hard Pants
Shattered Pants
Pants Rising
Looking for Pants in all the Wrong Places
Let He Who is Without Pants
In Purgatory's Pants
By Inferno's Pants
Pants as Usual isn't that "Voyager"?
Pants of Blood and War
Pants of Glory
In the Pants
A Call to Pants
Behind the Pants
Sacrifice of Pants
The Magnificent Pants
Who Mourns for Pants
Change of Pants January again already?
Pants Darker than Death or Night Was Baldric in that one?
In the Pale Pants
The Sound of her Pants Must've been PVC..
The Emperor's New Pants
Strange Pants
Extreme Pants
The Pants of War

By KAM´s Pants on Sunday, October 27, 2002 - 05:26 am:

Whoops! Mistake on my previous titles should read
The Pants Machine
The Doomsday Pants

Animated Pants
More Pants, More Troubles
More Tribbles, More Pants
The Infinite Pants
Beyond the Farthest Pants
The Pants Signal
The Lorelei Pants
One of Our Pants Is Missing
Pant's Passion
The Pants of Megas-Tu
The Magicks of Pants
Time Pants
Pants Weapon
Slaver Pants
The Pants Element
Pants Upon a Planet
Once Upon Pants
The Pants of the Beholder
The Eye of the Pants
The Pants of Orion
The Pirates of Pants
Pants Joker
Practical Pants
How Sharper Than a Serpent's Pants
The Counter-Pants Incident

By KAM´s Pants again on Sunday, October 27, 2002 - 05:37 am:

Enterprise Pants
Broken Pants
Strange New Pants
Breaking The Pants
Fortunate Pants
Cold Pants
Pants Enemy
Silent Pants
Dear Pants
Sleeping Pants
Pants Of P'Jem
Shadows Of Pants
Shuttlepod Pants
Pants One
Pants Planet
Rogue Pants
Fallen Pants - problems with the ship's gravity
Pants Hero - sequel to Pants Enemy ;-)
Pants Crossing
Desert Pants
Two Days and Two Pants
Carbon Pants
Dead Pants - a very sad episode
A Night in Pants

By KAM´s Pants: The Next Generation on Monday, October 28, 2002 - 06:12 am:

NextGen Pants
Pants at Farpoint
Code of Pants
The Last Pants - time travel story
Pants Among Us
The Big Pants
Angel Pants
Too Short Pants
Pants of Glory
Heart of Pants
The Arsenal of Pants
The Pants of Freedom
Pants of Evil
We'll Always Have Pants
The Pants Zone
The Neutral Pants
Where Pants Have Lease
Where Silence Has Pants
Pants, Dear Data
The Outrageous Pants
Loud as Pants - courderoy
The Schizoid Pants - the right leg doesn't kinow what the left leg is doing
Unnatural Pants
A Matter of Pants
The Pants of a Man
The Measure of a Pants
Pants Squared
Pen Pants
Samaritan Pants
Up The Long Pants
Peak Pants
Pants of Grey - lousy clip show
The Pants of Command
Who Watches The Pants - depends who wears them
Booby Pants - very high-waisted
The High Pants
Yesterday's Pants
Pants of The Father
Sins of The Pants
Captain's Pants
Tin Pants
Hollow Pants
The Most Pants
Ménage à Pants
The Pants of Both Worlds
The Best of Both Pants
Suddenly Pants - featuring brooke Shields
Remember Pants - an all skant episode
Pants Imperfect
Future Pants
Final Pants - second in the time travel trilogy
Data's Pants
Devil's Pants
First Pants - third in the time travel trilogy
Galaxy's Pants
Night Pants
Identity Pants
The Nth Pants - enabled the wearer to fly
Half a Pants
The Mind's Pants
In Pants
Ensign Pants
Pants Avatar
Silicon Pants
Hero Pants
Pants Worship - about some sad jokers on the internet
The Pants Society
The Masterpiece Pants
Power Pants
Cost of Pants
The Perfect Pants
Imaginary Pants - a very revealing episode
The Pants Phase
The Next Pants
The Inner Pants
Pants of Fear
Realm of Pants
Pants of the People
Man of the Pants
True Pants
A Fistful of Pants
The Quality of Pants
Chain Of Pants
Pants in a Bottle
Ship in Pants
Pants of the Enemy
Face of the Pants
Pants Mine - Picard must fight to regain his pants
Frame of Pants
Pants Heir
Rightful Pants
Second Pants
Dark Pants
Sub Pants
Lower Pants
Thine Own Pants
Pants End
Pants Strike
All Good Pants...

By KAM´s Pants running very far away before the lynch mob shows up on Monday, October 28, 2002 - 06:35 am:

Voyager Pants but I repeat myself
Time and Pants
Ex Post Pantso
Prime Pants
State of Pants
Pants and Demons
Heroes and Pants
Learning Pants
Non Pants
Pants of Vision
Persistence of Pants
Death Pants - no Harry, don't put them on!!!
False Pants
Sacred Pants
Blood Pants
Favorite Pants
Real Pants
Distant Pants
Worse Case Pants
Pants of Honor
Scientific Pants
Pants of Hell
Year of Pants
Random Pants
Concerning Pants
Message in Pants
The Killing Pants
The Pants Directive
The Omega Pants
Living Pants - they're alive!!!
Pants and Fear
Hope and Pants
Extreme Pants
In The Pants
Once Upon Pants
Pants of Chaotica!
Bride of Pants!
Pants: Oblivion
Course: Pants
Think Pants
Someone To Watch Over Pants
Thirty Pants
Latent Pants
Survival Pants
Pants of the Dead
Barge of Pants
Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Pants
Pants Teeth
Dragon's Pants
One Small Pants
The Pants Conspiracy - just what we need here at NitCentral, another conspiracy
The Voyager Pants
Fair Pants
Sprit Pants
Pants Folk
Pants to Ashes
Child's Pants
Good Pants
Pants Shepherd
Life Pants
The Haunting of Pants 12
Pants Zero
Critical Pants
Inside Pants
Body and Pants
Flesh and Pants
Friendship Pants
Pants Law
Renaissance Pants

By ScottN on Monday, October 28, 2002 - 10:49 am:

KAM, you missed Harry and Chuckle's exposure:

Pantsless