Picard: What is it Data?
Data: They appear to be the ships of our Nemesis.
Picard: But since there is more than one wouldn't that make them our Nemesisisisisisisisisisis?
Riker: I always thought Nemesi was plural?
Geordi: I know that if it involves lawyers it's Nemesue.
Worf: If they attack with needles & thread they are Nemesow.
Troi: Sheesh! Can't you just say Enemies?

(Geordi enters Data's quarters but Data is not there)
Geordi: Data?
Speaker on table: Hello, Geordi.
Geordi what's going on?
Speaker: Researching various detectives I discovered another one I wished to emulate.
Geordi: Which one?
(At that moment Yar, Dr. Crusher & Troi enter Data's quarters.)
Speaker: Hello, angels.
Yar, Crusher & Troi: Hi, Data.

By Sophie Hawksworth on Monday, June 17, 2002 - 10:12 am:

True: I just saw a birthday card featuring a tasteful standing nude, and the caption:

Captain Kirk was a bu**** for beaming up female crew members from the shower block.

By Sven of Nine on Monday, June 17, 2002 - 01:53 pm:

Geordi: Data... what are you doing in my office at a busy time like this?
Data: [in gruff voice] The wife... I mean Dr. Pulaski suggested I model my deduction skills on another great fictional detective.
Geordi: Fine, Data, but why the gruff voice and the shabby grey raincoat? And why do you keep on pestering me while I'm trying to work?
Data: [gruff voice] Because there's just this one more thing I gotta ask ya....

By Chris Todaro on Monday, June 17, 2002 - 01:59 pm:

Shouldn't "the wife" be Captain Janeway? (I assume Data is Columbo.) Kate Mulgrew played Mrs. Columbo.

By Sven of Nine, European and unladen on Sunday, June 23, 2002 - 01:13 pm:

Tomalak: We are in search of the legendary Kurlan Naiskos. Care to join us?
Picard: Well, I don't think we're very keen, you see we've already got one.
Tomalak: What? Are you sure you've got one?
Picard: Oh, yes, itsa very nice!
[to bridge crew]I told him we already got one!
Tomalak: Well, um, can we beam aboard and have a look?
Picard: Of course not! You are Romulan types!
Tomalak: Well, what are you then?
Picard: I am French! Why do you think I have this ridiculous accent?!

By Sven of Nine - I am no longer infected. on Sunday, June 23, 2002 - 01:22 pm:

Hoshi: Captain Archer, the Universal Translator appears to be malfunctioning again, and the Klingons are demanding to speak to us!
Archer: Er... just try to do your best.
Hoshi: OK then, here goes... [ahem] "My hovercraft is full of eels."

By Sophie Le Fey on Sunday, June 23, 2002 - 02:51 pm:

From TNG:Contagion: Enterprise is facing the Romulan Warbird, and weapons are down
Riker: If it should become necessary to fight, could you find some rocks for us to throw?
Tactical Officer: I have a better idea. [Looks offscreen] Fetchez la vache!

By Sophie - here at Castle Anthrax we have but one punishment for bad jokes... on Sunday, June 23, 2002 - 03:09 pm:

'Captain's Log: While stranded on a desolate planet in the middle of a terrible winter, we were forced to eat Neelix, and there was much rejoicing.'

'To detonate the sex bomb, pullest thou the Okampan from the series and countest thou to Seven. Eight shalt thou not count. Nor shalt thou count to six saving that thou then proceedest to Seven. 47 is right out.'

By Sophie - Of course its a good idea! on Sunday, June 23, 2002 - 03:32 pm:

Janeway: Send us home!
Caretaker: Who would cross the galaxy must answer me these questions three, ere the other side she see. What .. is your name?
Janeway: Captain Janeway.
Caretaker: What .. is your mission?
Janeway: To capture the Maquis and return home.
Caretaker: What .. is your favorite colour?
Janeway: Red. NO! Blue!
The array vanishes to the sound of cackling laughter. The crew all turn to stare at Janeway, and she goes 'Ummm'

By Sven of Kato on Monday, June 24, 2002 - 12:17 pm:

LOL, Sophie

Worf: Sir, we found a bomb hidden in one of the shuttlecraft.
Picard: A beurm you say, Monsieur Weurf?

By There are some who call me..... Sven? on Monday, June 24, 2002 - 12:40 pm:

Picard: If you don't go away, Q, I shall unleash the most terrible, fearsome creature you've ever seen! A creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived!
Q: I'd like to see you try, Picard...
Picard: Very well, but if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you with nasty big pointy teeth.... [makes pointy teeth signs]
[they enter the ready Room]
Picard: [pointing] There it is! Right there!
Q: Where? Behind the lionfish?
Picard: It is the lionfish!
Q: You silly sod! You got me all worked up!
Picard: Well, that's no ordinary lionfish. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered fishie you ever set eyes on. It's got a murderous streak a mile wide!

By Sophie - who does like Reg, honest! on Monday, June 24, 2002 - 02:15 pm:

The Noble Captain Picard
The Heroic Will Riker
The Valiant Worf
And the not so heroic Reg Barclay
..who ran away from Deanna Troi
..who almost stood up to Data's cat
..and who personally wet himself at the Battle of Wolf 359

(Thanks, Sven I liked yours too. Particularly the beurm!)

By The Return of the Pink Nitpicker -- starring Sophie on Monday, June 24, 2002 - 02:23 pm:

Picard: I realeuzed that it would be wrrrong to use Heugh to destroy the Beurg. So I let him geuo.
Admiral Nechayev: [twitch twitch twitch]

By KAM on Tuesday, June 25, 2002 - 04:29 am:

I'm surprised Pulaski didn't suggest Clouseu as a detective role model for Data. ;-) Have Worf leaping out of closets and photon torpedoes to attack him. ;-) French so bad even Picard can't understand him. ;-)

(Data walks in with a black cat hanging on the front of his shirt)
Geordi: What's that, Data?
Data: I got a new cat.
Geordi: What's its name?
Data: Chester.

Worf: This is my pet rock. I call him Fluffy.

Picard: So Gul Madred, if I don't answer your questions are you going to... (slight smile) torture me.
Madred: If you don't tell me what I want to kn... Are you smiling?
Picard: Oh, no. I mean who could smile at the idea of being (smiles again) tortured.
Madred: You are smiling! You want to be tortured!
Picard: Nonsense! How can you possibly think I would like the humiliation, the agony... the delicious pain...
Madred: You are sick! Sick! Sick! I can't work with this perverted human. Send him back to the Federation!
Picard (thinking as the guards lead him out of the room): Works every time.

By KAM on Tuesday, June 25, 2002 - 06:04 am:

Madred: How many lights do you see?
Picard: Tricky.
Madred: But can you do it?
Picard: Yes, I can. But I'll have to think about it.
Madred: How long?
Picard: Seven and a half...
Madred: What, not till next week?!
Picard: ...million years!

(Troi wearing one of her tight, revealing outfits)
Barclay: Hi, session. I'm ready for my Counselor.

By Sven of Hungary on Tuesday, June 25, 2002 - 06:22 am:

Trip: Er, T'Pol, I understand the Human-Vulcan translator ain't working properly, but I don't think this is the right time.
T'Pol: Do you want to come back to my place - bouncy bouncy!
Archer: What's going on here? T'Pol, the translator not working well?
T'Pol: [trying to explain] Drop your panties Sir William, I cannot wait until lunchtime.

By KAM on Tuesday, June 25, 2002 - 06:44 am:

(A Ferengi & Tasha Yar, who is wearing a shirt with 'DIE!' printed on it)
Ferengi: Hewmons clothe their females? How awful!
Yar (pulling out a phaser): Read my shirt!

Psychiatry professor: Deanna, you a good counselor, but you have a problem by dressing innappropriately.
Troi: Like what?
Professor: Have you considered wearing something other than the shirt that says, 'YUMMY!'?

(Riker wearing a shirt that says, 'I'm with stup¡d!' on it)
Picard: Really Will, that shirt is most innappropriate.
Riker: I'm sorry, sir, but Regulan Boll-Weevils ate all my other shirts.
Picard: Well, if you have to wear it, stand on the other side of Troi.

Picard's T-shirt: I went to Celtris II & all I got was this lousy t-shirt!

Worf's T-shirt: Klingons do it to the death!

Holodoc's T-Shirt: Holograms do it with the lights on.

Data's T-shirt: Batteries included

Data's other T-shirt: I keep going & going & going...

Kirk's T-shirt (in very tiny letters): If you can read this, I've already got my boots off

Chekov's T-shirt: This shirt inwented in Russia

Yeoman Rand's T-shirt: Property of Captain Kirk

Kira's T-shirt: No, these aren't the Orbs of the Prophets!

Wayoun's T-shirt: Would this shirt be more aesthetically pleasing in blue?

7 of 9's T-shirt: 100% Borg Implants

Janeway's T-shirt: A picture of the galaxy with an arrow pointing to the Delta quadrant with "You are here" printed on it.

By Sophie -- KAM, you asked for it! on Tuesday, June 25, 2002 - 07:39 am:

Picard: Give me your impression of the alien.
Troi: Sorry, I don't do impressions. My training is in psychology.

By Sven of Nine v2.0 on Tuesday, June 25, 2002 - 08:59 am:

Troi: I'm concerned, Beverly. I see the Captain sticking his finger up his nose, and minutes later there is blood streaming out of it.
Dr. Crusher: I... see. Does Jean-Luc pick hard?

By Sven of Nine v2.01 on Tuesday, June 25, 2002 - 09:00 am:

[sound of the entire world banging their heads on their desks]

By KAM on Wednesday, June 26, 2002 - 06:34 am:

Cut scene from Star Trek: Generations
(Saucer section about to collide with planet)
Riker: Crash positions everyone!
(Everybody throws themselves onto the floor, or the consoles, or over the railing, groaning in pain)

Locutus: I bring you a message from the Borg collective.
Riker: What's that?
Locutus: It's a bio-organic collective gestalt that functions as a single entity, but that's not important right now...

Paris: So you've met B'Elanna, eh. How did she strike you?
Kim: Like this. (Backhands Paris)

Chakotay: Captain! Were under attack from the Kazon, the Vidiians, and sensors detect a Borg cube approaching!
Janeway: Man, did I pick the wrong week to give up coffee.

Cut scene from Star Trek VI
Announcer: Welcome to Praxis were Disco lives forever! Kaboom!

Cut final scene from Star Trek: Generations
(Inflatible pilot & inflatible stewardess fly saucer section off of the planet)

By Sophie on Thursday, June 27, 2002 - 08:21 am:

Janeway: We had 10 shuttles. We lost 8, leaving us with...
Chakotay: We have a full compliment of shuttles.
Arthur Andersen: Sounds about right.

By XNZ on Thursday, June 27, 2002 - 09:23 am:

KAM, bio-organic? Isn't that repetively redundant?

By Anonymous on Thursday, June 27, 2002 - 11:03 am:

Maybe he meant 'bio-orgasmic'?

By Arthur Ander-Sven of Nine on Thursday, June 27, 2002 - 05:27 pm:

Picard: Counsellor, where do you think you're going?
Troi: Goin' dahn th' Vic furra pin't, you slag, you muppet, you 'aven't gotta Scoobys, have ya? Hey Slap'ead, where's yer Barnet?

By ScottN-ron on Thursday, June 27, 2002 - 06:04 pm:

Quark: I'd like to introduce you to my accountant, Arthur Anderssen.

By Josh Gould-DS9 Moderator (Jgould) on Thursday, June 27, 2002 - 06:50 pm:

Quark: I'm cashing in my options in DS9/Galaxycom so I can buy my own moon.

By KAM on Friday, June 28, 2002 - 07:21 am:

Drat. I knew I should used cyber-mechanical instead.

Guinan: Would you like a drink or a beverage?

Gul Madred: Where is the hidden rebel base?

Worf: Wait! I can't go into battle until I'm wearing my lucky Wonder Woman Underoos!

Madred: Do you like beans? Do you like George Wendt? Would you like to see George Wendt eating beans?

Picard (to Madred): You're full of bulls.

Jadzia: Worf, take off my uniform. Take off my panty hose. Take off my bra. Take off my panties. And I never want to see you wearing them again!

Madred: If a train is leaving Chicago for New York at 12:47 pm at an average speed of 90 kph and another train is leaving New York for Chicago at 4:47 pm at an average speed of 100 kph, and assuming that there are no accidents or stops, how many lights do you see?

Ezri: Worf, that better not be Jadzia's bra you're wearing!

Madred: Would you like some toast?

Paris: Smoke me a kipper I'll be back for breakfast.

By Sophie on Friday, June 28, 2002 - 02:32 pm:

Lol, KAM.

Worf: I married you so I could wear your clothes.
Jadzia: Worf, you can wear my clothes anytime you like.
Opens closet to reveal a rack of Starfleet uniforms and unisex underwear
Worf: Doh!

and because we don't have a B5 board for this
Morden: What do you want, Ambassador?
Molari: I want my people to reclaim their rightful place in the Galaxy. I want to see the Centauri stretch forth their hand again and command the stars. I want a rebirth or glory, a renaissance of power! Does that answer your question, Mr Morden?
Morden: So, no toast then? No bread products of any kind?

By KAM on Saturday, June 29, 2002 - 08:17 am:

Sophie, there is a Things We'll Never See Or Hear On... board in The Kitchen Sink under Humor. It's intended for series that don't have one of these boards. (B5, X-Files, comic books, real life, etc., etc.,)

Chaotica!: And now Proton, you'll have to face my Army of Slightly Nasty & Maladjusted Individuals�! Muhahahahahaha!

Replicator: Make your own tea, Baldy!

Chaotica!: Fire the Spam Ray!

Janeway: Good thing Starfleet gave us 400 extra shuttles.

By KAM on Sunday, June 30, 2002 - 06:45 am:

Wesley (singing): Wesley, the mighty, saving the Enterprise, using my big brain, while for Ensign I do train, they can't do without me, I'm beloved can't you see, I'm Wesley, Wesley the mighty!

(prior to Caretaker)
Admiral Naycheyev: Why do we have so many shuttles?
Admiral Arthur Anderson: We overestimated how ships were in the fleet.
Admiral Naycheyev: So what do we do with them all?
Admiral Arthur Anderson: Just stick 'em on Voyager for now. It's not going anywhere.

Kim: Bad news, captain. Another holodeck program has gone wrong and trapped several crewmembers. The good news is we've sent Bob and Enzo Matrix to solve the problem.

(cut line from Redemption)
Gowron: We have met the enemy and it is us.

T'Pol: It appears that the dangerous ships that have surrounded Enterprise belong to a violent offshoot of the Vulcan race.
Archer: What are we going to do?
T'Pol: What do you mean WE, round ears?

Paris: Captain, the holodeck has malfunctioned and Kim & I are trapped in a program filled with sex-starved voluptuous women.
Janeway: I'll send a team right down to free you.
Paris: No, captain. We're calling to request more time off.

By John A. Lang on Sunday, June 30, 2002 - 08:32 am:

Spock: Captain, There is a 500 pound slug-creature named "Jabba" on the planet surface who is holding Yeoman Rand hostage. When I made my observation, she was chained about the neck and wearing a gold bikini.

Kirk: We must rescue her!

Ensign John A. Lang: I'll do it! She's mine!

By KAM on Monday, July 01, 2002 - 05:24 am:

(The Romulans first look at Humans)
Sub-commander: Commander, we have tapped into their internal viewers and can see inside the strange vessel.
(Onscreen appears the bridge of Archer's Enterprise)
Commander: They are not like us. Destroy them.
Sub-commander: Wait one of them appears to be Romulan. (Close-up of T'Pol)
Commander: She's probably been enslaved by them. Centurion. Prepare to fire.
Centurion: Are you nuts, sir? Look at those breasts! (Close-up of T'Pol's breasts. Most of the Romulan males are staring and drooling.)
Announcer: It was because of that incident that the Romulan decision was made to not allow any visual contact with the crew's of enemy ships.

By KAM on Monday, July 01, 2002 - 05:51 am:

(Wesley's first time on the Bridge)
Picard: So tell me Wesley, do you like Gladiator movies?

Uhura: Captain, I have a message from Starfleet headquarters.
Kirk: What is it?
Uhura: It's a big building in San Francisco where Admirals meet, but that's not important right now.

Hoshi: Excuse me, but I speak Jive.

Sisko: Then there was that time I fought the Borg.
Kasidy: Over Wolf 359.
Sisko: I'll never be over Wolf 359.

Chakote: Did I pick the wrong week to give up peyote.

(Archer's Enterprise is flying wildly out of control, cut to the Mess Hall where we see T'Pol's breasts shaking like a nearby plate of Jell-O)

Seven: Can I borrow that guitar? I want to sing a song to cheer up Naomi Wildman who's sick.
Crewmember: Of course.
(Seven walks to the front of the room as the guitar smacks people on the back of the head)

By KAM on Monday, July 01, 2002 - 05:56 am:

Odo: He did time on Galorca III. He was a model prisoner. (Shows pictures of alien modeling various prison fashions)

Worf: Trust me. I know what I'm doing. (Accidently fires phaser into camera lens) Ooops.

By Sophie on Monday, July 01, 2002 - 07:33 am:

Janeway: We've received the new uniform specifications from Starfleet. Male officers are now to wear loincloths and body oil.
Seven: I suspect these orders are false. Will the crew not be angry when we reach Earth?
Janeway: Why do you think we're at impulse?

By Will on Tuesday, July 02, 2002 - 11:16 am:

Target practice bull-whip; 10 quatloos.
Collar of obedience in forest green color; 40 quatloos.
Losing total control of your slaves and being forced to educate them as a normal, self-governing society because you wagered against a super-lucky alien starship warrior captain; priceless.

Uhura; "Captain, I think the Doleman of Elas stole some of my lingerie! When she left and I got back to my quarters, some of it was missing, and all of my panties and bras were all mixed up."
Kirk; "Uhhh...well...imagine that."

Elaan; "I did not give you permission to leave!"
Kirk; "I didn't ask for any! But, you might want to go to a doctor, judging my that nasty, pulsating vein in your head when you get angry!"

Kirk (to Klingon ship); "Will you guarantee the safety of the Doleman of Elas if we surrender?"
Klingon; "No condit-- Wait, did you say The Doleman? Okay, she can live, but only if she's wearing one of those Victoria Klingon Secret's outfits!"

By ScottN Clouseau on Wednesday, July 03, 2002 - 02:31 pm:

Cardassian [to Capt. Jellico]: Does your Lionfish bite?
Jellico: No.
The fish bites the Cardassian.
Cardassian: I thought you said that your fish doesn't bite!?
Jellico: That is not my fish.

By KAM on Thursday, July 04, 2002 - 05:08 am:

(Janeway walks into Sickbay and discovers a pair of Vic Fontaines standing there)
Janeway: You'll have to leave. This episode is Tuvix, not Two Vics.

Apologies for this next one

Riker: Looks like the you-know-what is about to hit the fan.
(cut to a veiwer watching the show getting hit with you-know-what)
Fan: Ooh! Yuck!

Moving along quickly

(Original Enterprise-D captain, played by Don Knotts)
Captain Limpit: I wish, I wish I was a fish. (Changes into a lionfish)

(T'Pol on an undercover assignment when Reed and some security personnel enter)
Reed: All right. Freeze!
T'Pol: Is this some kind of a bust?
Reed: Yes, it's very impressive.

Spock: The captain is dead. (pause) Everybody gets a promotion!
Crew: Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

Kirk: Did our going into the past cause any other changes?
Guardian of Forever: It made the birth of a Brannon Braga possible.
Kirk: How bad could that be?
Darmatic Music: Duh duh DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kirk: Did our going into the past cause any other changes?
Guardian of Forever: Donuts no longer exist.
Scotty: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Kirk: Did our going into the past cause any other changes?
Guardian of Forever: Yes, Yeoman Kirk.

By Sophie on Thursday, July 04, 2002 - 06:46 am:

Lionfish: Who are you?
Other fish: Call me Q-fish. Your species has advanced too far into the Galaxy. I'm here to put you on trial.

Spock: The captain is dead.
McCoy: Err, excuse me, I left a test running.
Scott: I have to see to ... the engines.
Sulu: I also have to leave ... for sleep.
all make a mad dash for Kirk's cabin, to nick his stuff

Spock: The captain is dead.
Kirk/Lester: You mean I'm stuck in Janice Lester's body?
Rand (smirks): I'll show you how to make coffee.
Uhura (smirks): I'll get your new uniform.

Spock: The captain is dead.
Kirk: I'm not quite dead. In fact I may be getting better.
Spock neck-pinces him
Spock: Residual nerve impulses...

Spock: The captain is dead.
Uhura: Now maybe I'll find where my lingerie went!
see Will's post

By John A. Lang on Thursday, July 04, 2002 - 07:20 am:

EMH: (Painting 7 of 9 naked) Now THAT'S what I call Borg implants!"

By KAM on Thursday, July 04, 2002 - 07:37 am:

Spock: The captain is dead.
(Kirk suddenly jerks and sits up)
Kirk: I'm back.

Spock: The captain is dead.
Rand: I didn't do it. No one saw me do it. You can't prove a thing.

(Picard sits in his chair, clutches his chest, falls forward and dies)
Crusher: The captain is dead.
Riker: Oh boy! Now I'm captain!
(Riker sits in chair, clutches chest, falls forward and dies)
Crusher: The captain is dead.
Data: Then I believe that makes me captain.
(Steps over Riker & Picard's boies, sits in captain's chair, clutches chest, falls forward and dies)
Crusher: The captain is dead.
Troi: I'm beginning to sense a pattern.

Spock: The captain is dead.
Crewman: But I thought you were the captain?
Spock: Oh, bugger! *thud*

Chakotay: The captain is dead.
Voyager Bashers: Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Spock: The captain is dead. (pause) And in accordance with his wishes his body will be blasted out into space in this torpedo tube casing.
(From inside the torpedo can be heard banging and a muffled "Let me out!")
Spock: Fire torpedo.

Kira: The captain is dead.
Commander Sisko: Who are you talking about? This station doesn't have a captain.
Kira: Oh, your promotion came through. (hands him his pip and shoots him)

By Sophie on Thursday, July 04, 2002 - 07:40 am:

Spock: The captain is dead. He left instructions that in the event of his death, we should all watch this tape.
they watch the tape
Spock (eyebrow raised): The captain appears to have found a novel use for the Universal Translator.
McCoy (head on one side): I didn't know you could do that to a tribble.
Uhura (grimly): Now we know what happened to my lingerie.
Kirk (walking in): Fortunately I was only stunned. Did anything happen while I was go... Oh My!

By KAM on Thursday, July 04, 2002 - 07:46 am:

Cut line from Star Trek: Generations
Kirk (being blown into the Nexus): Gazpacho Sooooooooooooooup!

Spock: The captain is dead. Fortunately the backup system is in place.
(A hologram of Kirk with an H on his forhead appears)
Kirk: All-righty then.

By Sophie - Welcome to Royston Vasey - Youll never leave! on Thursday, July 04, 2002 - 08:56 am:

From "First Contact"
Vulcan: I bring greeting from beyond the stars.
Edward: What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!
Tubbs: There's a man, Edward. He brings greetings from beyond the stars!
Edward: Is he local?

From "A Private Little Way" - Spock is shot
Chapel: Dr McCoy is down on the planet, Spock. But fortunately we have another surgeon just as good.
Mr Chinnery (brandishing rusty mole grips): Don't worry Spock. We'll soon have that bullet out.

By Sven of Respec` on Thursday, July 04, 2002 - 10:43 am:

Spock: Is it because I is black?

By Sophie - in League with the Gentlemen on Thursday, July 04, 2002 - 04:19 pm:

Chakotay: We think these are Janeway and Paris. At warp 10 they evolved into frogs.
Doctor (sinister): In this sickbay we do not use the F-word. These ... are toads.

By John A. Lang on Thursday, July 04, 2002 - 10:02 pm:

Spock: The captain is dead.
Rand: With me being pregnant, who'll help me raise my baby now?

By KAM on Friday, July 05, 2002 - 05:13 am:

Spock: The captain is dead.
John A. Lang: I confess. I did it. He didn't want me to have Yeoman Rand.


Spock: The captain is dead, deceased, passed on, pushing up daisies, no longer chasing the yeomans, wearing the winged shirt, beyond the final frontier, past the undiscovered country, meeting his maker...
McCoy: Well, stop beating around the bush, Spock! What are you trying to say?
Spock: He is an ex-captain.

Chakotay: We think these are Janeway and Paris. At warp 10 they evolved into frogs.
Paris & Janeway: Bud... weis... er...

Isaac Hayes: Who's the green science officer who's a sex machine to all the chicks?
Backup singers: Spock!

By KAM on Friday, July 05, 2002 - 05:22 am:

(after Generations)
Admiral Nachayev: Picard, losing one ship may be an accident, but losing two ships smacks of carelessness.

Gul Madred: Do you think I'm sexy?

Gul Madred: What is the Matrix?

Gul Madred: What's the frequency, Kenneth?

By Gul Morgan on Friday, July 05, 2002 - 05:25 am:

Gul Madred: So what experience would you bring to this job?
Picard: What?
Gul Madred: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm interviewing people to be my assistant and I forgot to switch sheets.
(Shuffles papers around)
Gul Madred: So tell me about your new movie?
Picard: Well, it's called X-Men II and...

By Chris Todaro on Friday, July 05, 2002 - 09:30 am:

"Quark: I'm cashing in my options in DS9/Galaxycom so I can buy my own moon. "

Professor Bergman:"Just make sure you keep an eye on the nuclear waste dumps."

By Sven of Baha on Friday, July 05, 2002 - 11:59 am:

Gul Madred: Who let the dogs out?

By Sven of Nine`s Garbled Massage on Friday, July 05, 2002 - 12:17 pm:

Kirk: The chief engineer is dead. From now on I shall speak his lines.
A cynical viewer: And nothing changes.

Spock: The ensign is dead.
Everyone: Yaaayyy!
Spock: Wait! I said the ENSIGN is dead, not *NSYNC...
Everyone: Booooooo!

Spock: The captain is dead.
Everyone: [singing] Ding dong, the captain's dead! Wicked Kirk! The evil Kirk! Ding dong the James T Kirk is dead! [etc.]

Sisko: Still no sign of Federation space.... [to O'Brien] How long is it?
O'Brien: That's a rather personal question, sir!
Sisko: You st*pid g*t! I meant how long have we been drifting in this escape pod! You've destroyed the atmosphere now!
O'Brien: Sorry.
Sisko: Shut up! Start again.

By Sven of Nine on Friday, July 05, 2002 - 12:24 pm:

Archer: Are you sure the Universal Translator's working again, Hoshi?
Sato: Sir! I'll have you know I'm an honest woman! [slaps Archer in the face and runs off]
Archer: What was that all about, Trip?
Tucker: Er, it's 1430 hours John.
Archer: [sighs] Guess that translator's still not quite right. Malcolm, try and see if you can speak to Hoshi about this - she seemed a little upset at me for some reason.
Reed: Sir? You want me to do what to T'Pol? With a herring?

By Sven of Part 2 on Friday, July 05, 2002 - 12:29 pm:

Archer: [sighs again] Guess I'll have to do it myself... [leaves]
Tucker: Is it just me, Malcolm, or is the Captain behaving very oddly today?
Reed: No, Sir.
[both then titter very loudly]
Tucker: I think our practical joke is working, Malcolm!
Reed: And did you see Hoshi's reaction? Fantastic!

By Sophie - sorry John, but it had to be done! on Monday, July 08, 2002 - 05:25 am:

John A Lang: Something's wrong. Troi's not in this episode.
Riker: She's in that bedroom. She said she has the hots for you.
John A Lang: Oh boy! [Rushes in.]
Troi: Will, have you seen my mother?
Riker: She's in there with John A Lang. Best not disturb them, eh?
Sound of door locking. Muffled cry of AHHHHHHHHHH!

By KAM, also sorry John on Monday, July 08, 2002 - 07:11 am:

Troi: I'd like a restraining order against John A. Lang.

John's dream scene
Troi: Yes, John, I do love you.
Uhura (entering): Hands off! He's mine!
Rand (also entering): Yours? He's mine!
(all three start catfighting & ripping each others clothes off)

Providers: Kirk, tell us more about this idea you call Jello Wrestiling?

(An adults-only club on Ferenganar. A naked woman comes on stage & dresses while guys put gold-pressed latinum in her pockets)
Patrons: Put it on! Put it on! Put it on!

Worf: Are you sure you want to fight this creature?
Alexander: Yes, father. I think I'm ready.
Worf: Very well then. Computer, run program.
(a purple dinosaur forms)
Barney (singing): I love you...
Aleaxander: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa.... (runs away)

By Sven of Nine, who can`t think of anything about John - sorry guys! on Monday, July 08, 2002 - 12:26 pm:

Oh dear, KAM, must it come to the Barney-bashing? Can't we all just.... get along?

No-one appears to be doing a DS9, so...

Sisko: [all emotional] You CANNOT! Destroy! An IDEA! Don't you understand??? YOU CANNOT! DESTROY! AN IDEA!!!!! [sobs] The Future! I created it! And it's REAL!!!! You cannot destroy Ben Sisko! He EXISTS! In here! In My Mind!
Kasidy: [chimes door] Ben! Dinner's ready!
Sisko: [checks himself, then, calmly] Coming darling!

O'Brien: Is it because I is Irish? Booyakasha!

Garak: Jesus wept! [explodes]

By John A. Lang on Monday, July 08, 2002 - 03:41 pm:

I like the "cat-fight" one the best!

From: Menage A Troi:
Lwaxana & Deanna are beamed out of their clothes:

Deanna: Who are you and what is the meaning of this attack?
Ferengi: I am Daimon John A. Lang...and you are MINE! Oomox, please!

By Sven of Nine shamelessly acquiring other people`s material and rebranding it as his own on Monday, July 08, 2002 - 06:22 pm:

Quark: I'm all out of money, my business is ruined!
Rom: Not to worry brother, for I have a cunning plan to get you back to the top.
Quark: What is it now, Rom?
Rom: Well... they say there's good latinum to be made at the Docking Rings...
Quark: Go on...
Rom: ...doing favours for interstellar merchants.
Quark: What, like sewing buttons?
Rom: No... for favours of a... personal nature...
Quark: Rom, are you suggesting that I become... a rent lobe?

By A Misting By ScottN, Ripped from today`s headlines, and Shamelessly stolen from Sven on Monday, July 08, 2002 - 07:32 pm:

Quark: I'm all out of money, my business is ruined!
Rom: Not to worry brother, for I have a cunning plan to get you back to the top.
Quark: What is it now, Rom?
Rom: Ancient Terran records show that a company named "WorldCom" made money by entering losses as profits.

By KAM on Tuesday, July 09, 2002 - 10:13 am:

Brunt: Well, Quark, I've been examining your financial records.
Quark: I can explain...
Brunt: Overestimating profits you've never made.
Quark: Well, you see...
Brunt: Declaring these non-existant profits as a loss to get a tax refund.
Quark: Well, the accountant...
Brunt: Selling high-priced shares, allegedly, for Quark, Inc., but upon closing examination for a nonexistant thing called Ouark, Inc., so you can take the investors' money, but ignore their demands.
Quark: The printer you see...
Brunt: And redesigning a replicator to produce all the gold-pressed latinum you want, for free.
Quark: Hee hee hee *gulp*
Brunt: Quark... I think you are the greatest Ferengi who ever lived and am humbled to be in your presence.
Quark: Oh, that's nothing. Wait'll I tell you about the stuff you didn't find.

(Shuttlepod going down for a crash landing over an ocean)
T'Pol: In the event of a water landing my breasts can be used as flotation devices.

By Sven of Nine strikes again on Tuesday, July 09, 2002 - 01:30 pm:

Hoshi: I am fluent in over six million forms of communication.
Arher: Yer wot?!

T'Pol: I am Subcommander T'Pol, tertiary adjunct of Unimatrix.... er, you may call me T'Pol.

By Sven of Nine in: `Carry On Voyager` on Tuesday, July 09, 2002 - 01:31 pm:

Chakotay: Captain, Mr. Tuvok wants you on the bridge.
Janeway: What? With everybody watching?

Seven: My implants need tweaking.
The Doc: Ohhhhhh Matron!

Paris: Well, in that case I'm off on the Delta Flyer with B'Elanna.
Kim: [lecherous Sid James-style laugh]

By KAM bringing the madness over here on Thursday, July 11, 2002 - 06:53 am:

Paris: From the moment I first met you, all those years ago, a day hasn't gone by that I've not thought of you, and now that I'm with you again, I'm in agony. The closer I get to you the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you makes my stomach turn, my mouth goes dry. I get dizzy, I can't breathe. I'm haunted by that kiss you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar. What can I do? I will do anything you ask...If you are suffering as much as I am, please tell me.
B'Elanna: You've been watching wayyyyy too many old movies.

By KAM again on Thursday, July 11, 2002 - 07:00 am:

Paris: From the moment I first met you, all those years ago, a day hasn't gone by that I've not thought of you, and now that I'm with you again, I'm in agony. The closer I get to you the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you makes my stomach turn, my mouth goes dry. I get dizzy, I can't breathe. I'm haunted by that kiss you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar. What can I do? I will do anything you ask...If you are suffering as much as I am, please tell me.
Kim: Yes, Tom. Yes! I feel the same way about you.

Same scene & dialogue with
Janeway & Chakotay
Janeway & Seven
Tuvok & Neelix
Malcolm & Trip
T'Pol & Hoshi
Kirk & Spock
O'Brien & Bashir
Did I leave any 'couples' out?

By Sophie on Thursday, July 11, 2002 - 07:09 am:

>KAM: Did I leave any 'couples' out?

Yep. Scotty and the engines.

By XNZ on Thursday, July 11, 2002 - 08:46 am:

Also
Odo & Quark
Jake & Nog
Worf & a Tribble...

By Sophie on Thursday, July 11, 2002 - 09:37 am:

also:
one Borg to another Borg

By Sophie on Thursday, July 11, 2002 - 09:52 am:

remember how they sometimes record a log without moving their lips?
Chakotay (thinks): First Officer's personal log. I'm increasingly worried about the erratic behaviour of the Captain. Perhaps she's been drinking too much coffee.
Neelix (thinks): No, I've been giving her decaffe. Hmm, maybe she's just a jerk.

or:
Picard (thinks): Captain's log supplemental. We're approaching Gamma Hydra Five ..ive ..ive
This will be a fine opportunity of evaluate crew performance ..ance ..ance
[head on one side] Echo? ..cho? ..cho?

By Sven of From the moment I first {etc.} on Thursday, July 11, 2002 - 01:08 pm:

Chakotay [thinks]: She never drinks a second cup of coffee back home...

By Sven of Nine in: `Carry On DS9` on Thursday, July 11, 2002 - 01:14 pm:

Garak: Infamy, infamy, they've all got it infamy!!!

Worf: I'll never get over Jadzia.
Quark: [lecherous Sid James-style laugh]

By Will on Friday, July 12, 2002 - 11:11 am:

Announcer; "We've replaced Captain Janeway's regular coffee with Vidian Crystals. Let's see what happens!..."

Alien-of-the-week; "Janeway, you're ship is crippled, we've killed half your crew, and you're out-numbered 10 to 1, so I suggest that you surren--"
Janeway; "Blah-blah-blah-WHAT-ever! Look, buster, I'm not doing a thing until the replicators get me my first cup of coffee this morning, so just bugger-all, ookay, thank you, bye-bye."
Alien; "We'ren't you listening? I just said--"
Janeway; "Not listening! (Covering her ears) La-la-la-la! Coffee, now! La-la-la-la!"

By Sven of many old jokes revisited on Saturday, July 13, 2002 - 04:43 am:

Picard: Then there was the time when DaiMon Tog kidnapped Deanna and the Betazoid ambassador, and I challenged him to a battle of declaring undying love.
Dr. Crusher: Over Lwaxana?
Picard: I'll never get over Lwaxana.
Dr. Crusher: Then these blue rhomboid pills are for you...

By Sven of Nine - lovin` it, lovin` it, lovin` it on Saturday, July 13, 2002 - 04:51 am:

Worf: Captain, we're being hailed!
Picard: On screen.
Alien Captain: All hail Captain Picard!
All: HAIL!

[the alternative Bajoran religious service]
Kai Winn: Respec'!
All Bajorans: RESPEC'!!!
Sisko: Is it because I is de Emissary?
All Bajorans: BOOYAKASHA!

By Mike M on Saturday, July 13, 2002 - 02:15 pm:

Picard (after being restored to an adult in Rascals): Couldn't you have kept my hair?

By KAM on Sunday, July 14, 2002 - 06:28 am:

Klingon Emporer: All right everyone, for next 3 years we will go without the brow ridges, long hair, armor and bat'leths.

Quark: All hewmons want is peace and prosperity.
Sisko: Hey! That's racist!

Riker: I've accepted command of another vessel and am getting married.
Everyone: Who are you and what have you done with the real Riker?

Picard: Why did they promote you to Admiral?
Janeway: Starfleet didn't want to take the chance of me getting lost again.

Kes: Doctor, you just having been acting right since Tom showed you that old movie.
Holodoc (transforming into a 7 foot tall werewolf): You mean The Howling?

By Sophie on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 09:17 am:

As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Janeway standing alone on a hologrid. We hear a voice.

Admiral Paris: Thankyou for taking the Captaincy aptitude test, Lieutenant. We'll let you know.

or

Computer: Thankyou for playing Starfleet:Voyager. You scored 12%. Do you wish to play again?

By Sophie - Back to Reality on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 09:25 am:

As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Paris standing alone on a hologrid. A computer voice thanks him for playing Starfleet:Voyager.
Paris sees his reflection in the control panel.

Paris: Oh, no! Dwayne Dibbly?!?

By Sven of yet another running joke in the distance, says I on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 09:40 am:

As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Janeway standing alone on a hologrid.

Janeway: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Tuvok...

By Sven of Now You`ve Done It on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 09:44 am:

As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Tuvok standing alone on a hologrid.

Tuvok: So *that's* what happens if I go on this undercover mission to find the Maquis renegade Chakotay.... On second thoughts, forget it.


As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Kim standing alone on a hologrid.

Kim: No! Wait! Come back! I want to know where my future lies!
Mysterious voice: MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!

By Sven of Nine and the Alien Mindbenders on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 10:59 am:

As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Janeway standing alone on an empty holosuite. She then pulls her face off to reveal...

Sisko: I just love playing fantasy land between shifts...
Quark: OK, Captain, you're time's up! Doctor Bashir wants to have a go now!

By Sven of Benny Russell on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 11:01 am:

As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Janeway standing alone on an empty holosuite. She then pulls her face off to reveal...

Sisko: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! The Future of Star Trek! I created it! AND IT'S REAL!!!!!!

By Sven of Honda Adverts on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 11:03 am:

As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving our heroes standing alone on a hologrid. An old man appears...

Prof. Farnsworth: Very good, people! Now, who else wants to try out my "What If" machine?

By Sophie - being a bit cruel on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 02:45 pm:

As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Picard standing alone on an empty hologrid. We hear a voice.

Madred: Shall we play it again?
Picard (sob): No! You win, Madred. There are five lights!

By Sven of Oz, the Great and Powerful on Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 07:14 am:

As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Janeway lying on the floor of a holodeck grid. She is surrounded by her original Voyager crewmates...

Kim: Are you OK?
Janeway: Yeah, I had the most remarkable dream that we were sent into the Delta Quadrant. [pointing] And you died in it! And you! And you! And you! You were still alive though, Ensign Kim.
Carey: We'd better get her to sickbay.
Janeway: The shuttles! What happened to the shuttles!?
Carey: She's delirious!
Janeway: My dream... some bits were horrible like the Borg and everything, but most of it was beautiful, and... oh... there's no place like Voyager...

By Sven of Nine Years Inside on Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 07:19 am:

As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Janeway standing alone on a hologrid.

Janeway: I rest my case, Your Honour.

By ScottN on Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 11:01 am:

As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Janeway standing in an anonymous city, wearing a rumpled raincoat.

Mrs. Columbo: Well that was interesting... Oh, and one more thing...

Author's Note: This technique is known as a "Newhart" - I just named it.

By KAM on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 04:37 am:

(As Voyager season seven ends, Star Trek fans cheer)

Oh, wait, that did happen. ;-)

(As Voyager season seven ends, Trekkies run after the ship)
Trekkies: Come back! We love you! We want more!

(As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, cut to the Borg Queen & all the rest of the Borg Voyager encountered opening their eyes)
Borg: Oh thank goodness, it was all just a dream!

(As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving several people standing on a hologrid.)
Leia: Well, that was fun.
Luke: Why did I have to play the guy who died all the time?
Chewbacca: Grrrrrooooooowww!
Han: Oh, be quiet Seven.

(As DS9 season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving several people standing on a hologrid.)
Rene Auberjonois: Well, that was fun governer, but you have that press conference to get to.

(As NextGen season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Data's head on a cavern floor)
Data's head: They will come back for me. They will.

(As Star Trek season three ends, the background dissolves, we see TJ Hooker in a hospital bed surrounded by police officers)
Adrian Zmed: Are you all right?
Heather Locklear: That perp hit you pretty hard in the head, sir.

By Sophie - introducing flagellation measures to an equine quadruped entirely devoid of its original characteristics on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 05:16 am:

As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Paris and Kim standing alone on a hologrid.
Paris: How many lives have you got, Harry?
Kim: That was fun. Let's go again!
Voyager: Starfleet restarts. Unseen by either, the holodeck controls show Safety protocols going offline...


As Voyager season seven ends, the background dissolves, leaving Janeway standing alone on a hologrid.
Janeway: Where am I?
Voice: In The Village.
Janeway: Who are you?
Voice: The new number 2.
..

By Sophie Bellringer of B3K on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 05:21 am:

From TNG: Time's Arrow
Data's head:
All night by the Troi Troi
All night by the Troi I lay
I found her tongue along my casing
Licking my dirt away.

(That's a reference to TV show LEXX, for those who don't get it)

By KAM on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 05:26 am:

(As Enterprise season seven ends, the background disolves leaving Dr. Sam Becket in the waiting room)
Al: Sam! You're back!

By Star Trek: The Next Sven-eration on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 02:37 pm:

Gul Madred: From the moment I first met you, all those years ago, a day hasn't gone by that I've not thought of you, and now that I'm with you again, I'm in agony. The closer I get to you the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you makes my stomach turn, my mouth goes dry. I get dizzy, I can't breathe. I'm haunted by that kiss you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar. What can I do? I will do anything you ask... If you are suffering as much as I am, please tell me.
Picard: [all together now...] THERE!!! ARE!!! FOUR!!! LIGHTS!!!

By Sven of I don`t have to do this, you know... on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 02:44 pm:

Data: Ensign, my name is pronounced "Data", not "Baiter."
Ensign: Sorry, Master.
Data: Furthermore I do not wish to be referred to as "master" either.
Ensign: Sorry, Mas[Note: the rest of this joke has been removed because of the poor quality of the writing in this post. It is not NitCentral policy to get silly laughs from jokes involving parts of the body from the waist down to the thighs and between the legs. Thank you. Normal service will be resumed.]

By Sophie on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 03:15 pm:

Q: You're exonerated. I'm convinced humanity has outgrown it's violent past.
Picard: Indeed, we now revere all life.
Riker: Except squirrels. [Phasers a squirrel out of a tree] I hate them, with their twitching noses and bushy tails. [Phasers another]
Q (doubtfully): Wellll, I suppose they are pests. No real harm in a race that only murders squirrels.
Geordi: and kittens.
Q: Court is now in session!

By ScottN on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 09:41 pm:

Harry "dies" yet again....
Paris: Oh my g-d, they killed Harry!
B'elanna: You B**TARDS!

By Sven of ITV Digital on Saturday, July 20, 2002 - 04:34 am:

If Johnny Vegas played Jean-Luc Picard?:

Picard: Repoort!
Riker: We were attacked by a small simian creature on the planet below. An ancestor of the Human species, with a tail and a penchant for edible fruit such as bananas.
Picard: Couldn't yer huv joost torld meh ye'd bin attucked by a MUNNNN-KEH?

By Sophie on Saturday, July 20, 2002 - 07:23 am:

From 'First Contact', if the 24th Century Borg has succeeded in contacting the primitive 21st Century Borg, who probably wouldn't recognise them

21st Century Borg: WE ARE BORG. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
24th Century Borg: NO, WE ARE BORG. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.

By ScottN on Saturday, July 20, 2002 - 05:31 pm:

Bele: Riddle me this, Captain Kirk!

By John A. Lang on Saturday, July 20, 2002 - 07:07 pm:

If Jonathan Harris played Picard...

Troi: We have just received word from the Fleet, they have engaged the Borg.

Picard: Oh the pain! The pain! My delicate back!

By John A. Lang on Sunday, July 21, 2002 - 01:48 pm:

RE: Sophie's poem....(MY version)

From TNG: Time's Arrow (alternate version)

John A. Lang's head (still attached to body--naturally)
All night by the Troi Troi
All night by the Troi I lay
I found her tongue along my face
Licking the chocolate away.

'scuse me while I take a cold shower.

By Sophie on Monday, July 22, 2002 - 05:01 am:

I thought that might get your attention, John.
Do you get LEXX in your neck of the woods? I think it might be right up your street...

If you don't, and want to see the characters, try here http://www.geocities.com/xandriaonthelexx/

By Will on Monday, July 22, 2002 - 11:14 am:

As Voyager's season 7 ends, the background dissolves, leaving Janeway in a cage.
Janeway; "What's happening? Why has it ended?"
Talosian; "Because we know you are fatigued, Captain. We will allow you to re-live seasons 8 to 16 tomorrow."

As Voyager's season 7 ends, the background dissolves, leaving Reg Barclay in the holodeck;
Barclay; "Hey! Where's my Voyager role-playing game?!"
Troi; "I've shut it off, Reg. I think we need to discuss your alter-ego, 'Captain Janeway', and why you're not a man in your holo-fantasies."

As Voyager's season 7 ends, the background dissolves, and Bashir and O'Brien look at each other in the holo-suite:
Bashir; "Quark screwed up my holo-programme! I didn't ask for that, I asked for the American Independence Day programme! Nobody would want a programme like that!"

As Voyager's season 7 ends, the background fades, leaving Janeway and Kim on the holodeck;
Captain Kim; "Oh, very funny, Ensign Janeway. Now get back to the sanitation replicators where you belong!"
Ensign Janeway; "Yes, sir! Sorry, sir!"

Admiral Janeway; "I wish I'd been born a Smith or Jones or Williams or anything that didn't sound as effeminate as 'Janeway'!"
John Uhura; "I hear ya, brother!"

By ScottN on Monday, July 22, 2002 - 11:50 am:

Natural Law(VOY)

Paris (to Kleg): So if I finish traffic school, the points won't show up on my driving record, right?

Author's Note: I spent most of yesterday in traffic school

By Hanburger Pattie on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 05:49 am:

As Voyager's season 7 ends, the background dissolves, leaving Reg Barclay in the holodeck;
Barclay; "Hey! Where's my Voyager role-playing game?!"
Troi; "I've shut it off, Reg. I think we need to discuss your alter-ego, 'Captain Janeway', and why you're not a man in your holo-fantasies."

Why does this one bother me so?

By Hela S. Beelzebub on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 05:51 am:

Probably just your overactive imagination.

By Soyburger Patricia on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 05:52 am:

I'm more concerned with how you could misspell your own name.

By Hamburger Pattie, not Hanburger on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 05:53 am:

D'oh!

By Ensign First on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 05:57 am:

Enough with the LICC references. Let's get back to the Lines You'd Never Hear In Star Trek.

Scotty: Set phasers to kilt! (zaps aliens, their pants are replaced with kilts)

Kirk: Set phasers to A Fate Worse Than Death! (aliens turn into Barney clones)

By ScottN on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 09:57 am:

Kirk: Spock, have you found any life forms?
Spock: Sensors have detected a 2 meter tall, purple dinosaur. It appears to be singing a song about a "happy family".
Kirk: Phasers on kill!

By Sven of Nine, setting phrases on pun on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 10:50 am:

Kirk: Set phasers to 200 degrees Celsius, and bake for twenty minutes.

By Will on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 11:06 am:

Kirk; "Set phasers on 'annoy'!"

Sulu; "Launching shuttlecraft Lewinsky."
Kirk; "Wait until it's far enough and then blow that thing away."
Sulu; "I think it's already blown--"
Kirk; "Never mind, Mr.Sulu. Just fire!"

By Sven of just one more thing that bothers me... on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 11:22 am:

From "Journey to Babel":

McCoy: Well, I finally got the last word!
Spock: Oh no you didn't! I did!
Kirk: No, I did!
Sarek: Sorry, Captain, but I always have the last word.
Amanda: That's very true.

By ScottN on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 11:35 am:

Kirk: Scotty, if you don't have the transporter working in 5 minutes, you're fired!
Scotty: Mr. Sulu, warp out of orbit... NOW!

Kirk: Scotty, if you don't have the transporter working in 5 minutes, you're fired!
Scotty: [CENSORED] you, Captain! Mr. Sulu, lock phasers onto the captain's location. Fire at will!

By Sven one more time on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 11:49 am:

From "Star Trek 2":

Kirk: Great dinner, Carol!
David: Yeah, fantastic food!
Saavik: This meal is satisfying, congratulations Ma'am.
McCoy: Ya betcha! Great meal, Dr. Marcus!
Carol: Can I cook, or can't I?

Kirk: Scotty, I need warp speed in three minutes or you're fired.
David: Never mind that, Captain, if we're not out of here in that time we'll be DEAD!
Kirk: You stay out of this! This is between me and deep-fried Mars bar!
McCoy: He's incapacitated, Jim!
Kirk: Scotty! Don't make me come down there!!!

By Sven of the Archers on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 01:27 pm:

Khan: I shall leave you as you left me, as you left HER... marooned for all eternity at the centre of a DEAD planet... buried alive, buried alive.....
Kirk: That says maybe, Khan, but that won't get the pigs in.

By Sven of Nine presents: `Carry On Enterprise` on Tuesday, July 23, 2002 - 01:58 pm:

Trip: Lieutenant, must you hide that thing from everyone?
Reed: I'm too embarrassed to show it to the rest of the crew. It's not that big, you see...
Trip: I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Reed: Sure! Isn't it great to compare each other's delicate equipment?
Archer: What's going on here? Malcolm, is that a phase pistol in you're pocket?
Reed: Sir? Oh, I'm glad to see you, sir - yes I am indeed carrying a concealed weapon about my person, and it's currently firing blanks.
T'Pol: No change there, then.
Trip: Sir, I'm picking up two large silicon-based objects up front here.
Travis: There's two large objects on sensor range as well, sir!
Hoshi: They're coming from behind!
Phlox: Ooooh matron!

[And on that note.... let's quickly end this board! - everyone]

By Anonymous on Tuesday, September 03, 2002 - 01:15 pm:

Data (playing tennis): It can't be out! You can't be serious!

By ScottN on Thursday, September 12, 2002 - 05:05 pm:

http://www.sjtrek.com/trek/humour/20PlotsYoullNeverSeeOnTNG/

By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 12, 2002 - 01:06 pm:

Worf: Today is a good day to die another day.

By Sparrow47 on Tuesday, November 12, 2002 - 04:34 pm:

Today is a good day to wonder why we have two of these boards open at the same time.

By Sven of the House of Nine on Tuesday, November 12, 2002 - 04:47 pm:

Worf: Today is a good day to close this old board!

By KAM on Wednesday, November 13, 2002 - 02:21 am:

McCoy: But if Tomorrow is Yesterday, what does that make Today?

By Nine on Wednesday, November 13, 2002 - 11:15 am:

Spock: In that case we shall return to tomorrow.

By ScottN on Wednesday, November 13, 2002 - 11:24 am:

Kirk: But what shall we then do with all our yesterdays?

By Sven of on Wednesday, November 13, 2002 - 11:34 am:

Picard: I missed yesterday's "Enterprise" - did anyone see it?

By Merat on Wednesday, November 13, 2002 - 03:36 pm:

"McCoy: But if Tomorrow is Yesterday, what does that make Today?"

Harriman: Tuesday

By Sven of variation in username on Wednesday, November 13, 2002 - 04:24 pm:

Janeway: You think you've got video recorder problems? I managed to miss "Back to the Future"'s end last night.

By Charles Cabe (Ccabe) on Thursday, November 14, 2002 - 01:40 pm:

"McCoy: But if Tomorrow is Yesterday, what does that make Today?"

Bryant Gumbel: That would make it a TV show with Katie Couric.

By KAM on Friday, November 15, 2002 - 07:06 am:

McCoy: But if Tomorrow is Yesterday, what does that make Today?
Worf: A good day to die.

By Hans Thielman on Monday, December 16, 2002 - 11:41 am:

Picard: Uh-oh. Better get Maaco.

Shinzon: Our teeth reflect our lives, don't they?