What is it?
those who are more knowledgeable and articulate than I am.
Or maybe I should say - My understanding of my relationship with God. But relationships are like that. My Biology teacher in high school used to say "If something doesn't show growth, it's not living." Growth is one of the definitions of what Life is, biologically speaking. Spiritually speaking, too.
So be patient with me, God isn't finished yet!
(And I'm not finished with this page yet. :)
When I was about 10 or so, some Ladies came to our house to study the Bible with us. I lived in the country, and visitors were a big deal, and they wanted to study the Bible. I wanted to study the Bible. I even got out of class early on Fridays to go home for Bible Study. It bothered me that we never actually OPENED a Bible. But these Ladies seemed to think it was ok. I asked my Mom for a Bible of my own. We didn't have much money, but somehow she scraped up enough to get me my first Bible. It was a New World Translation. (If you haven't guessed by now, the Ladies were Jehovah's Witnesses.)
In all the time I spent "studying" the Bible that we never opened, they did not lead me any closer to God. All they could tell me was maybe, if I was very good, and joined the Watch Tower Society, maybe, just maybe I would be allowed to stick around on this earth for eternity. Maybe. Only the 144,000 got to go to heaven and there was no chance of that for me, because that list was closed long before I was even born. Sorry, kid. No heaven for you. Best we can do is this crummy old earth. (They wouldn't even admit that there will be a new earth. Just this one. The one that is left AFTER we get done with it, and AFTER the Judgements of God.)
When I went to High School my sister, Sheila, invited me to a youth group she was going to. One of the leaders was Mrs. York, who was my favorite teacher. She was the Journalism teacher, my chosen field at the time, and I really liked her. She was a Born Again Believer in Jesus. She challenged my relationship with Jesus. She told me that if I had never accepted Jesus' death on the Cross as the covering for my sin; if I didn't accept Him as my Savior and Lord, I didn't have a relationship with Him!
I was angry about that. Who was she to tell me what my relationship to God was or wasn't? At this point I wasn't even thinking about my relationship to Jesus (remember, in my understanding of what I was taught by the JW's He was a minor character. He was special, He was the Son of God - but He was just a created being like an angel. He was somehow a big brother, kind of like someone who has a brother who is a lot older... They are someone you have always looked up to, but you certainly don't know them well.
As much as I tried to put what she said out of my mind, I just couldn't. I kept going to Youth Group, because these people were actually studying the Bible. I mean ACTUALLY opening it, reading it and trying to figure out how to put it into practice in their lives. Mrs. York probably only talked to me about "asking Jesus into my heart" once or twice. But the Holy Spirit just wouldn't let it go.
It rang through my head continuously for what seemed like longer than the two weeks it probably was. I couldn't sleep. Couldn't concentrate on anything. One night (January 30 or 31, 1979) I just gave up. I told God that I didn't know if what they were saying was true or not. But if it wasn't, this prayer would not make any difference to the relationship We had. But if they were right, I wasn't going to miss knowing Him because of my stubbornness. I asked Jesus to come into my heart and be the master of my life. I waited for the BIG CHANGE. After all if I was being "born again" there should be thunder and lightning or something...
What happened, was peace. As overwhelming as the turmoil was that I had been in, now there was peace. The first thing I did as a new believer was to fall peacefully to sleep. When I woke up in the morning, I realized I was no longer alone. I never have been since. He has always been right there with me, even through some dark and painful times. He has never left me.
The story continues...