below is a section from the journal i received. stan keep a small university ruled notebook with 'bogus journal' wrote on it, crossed out in red and black. above that 'my book' is scribbled on the front.
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Aug 3rd, 2002
"...On the verge of being a complete fucking loser, I really don't know where to begin. I guess we'll begin with the brutal truth. I hate my life. I know its a common thing for people to say and most people don't really mean it, but I honestly believe that I've put myself in this no win situation. This only causes me to look back and recall the bullshit that likes to be strongely involved with my life. I mean its not all that bad...I do have fun and experience a taste of happiness here and there. It doesn't last too long usually. Majority of it is followed up by ongoing drama that comes hand in hand with the people I choose to associated myself with. These people I call my "friends" and I know it sucks to say but I'd like to use that term ("friends") as loosely as possible. The reason I say that is because behind every person I've ever been friends with is the "I'm more holier than though" complex. Correct me if I'm wrong but, why is that the best (most common) way to deal with problems between friends is to talk behind their backs, and lie to their face?? Granted Im as guilty as the next person, but I speak no lie when I say this. It kinda sucks. It feels good to vent but in the same gesture its very painful to be the victim. I talk to my people on occasion and every time its this person said this about you and this person said that about you. It gets tiresome after awhile and quite honestly, it hurts. I don't want to sound like a pussy, but thats just the way it is. It seems that people have nothing better to do rather than pick out your character flaws and exploit them. Lets say I had a problem with a little opiate known as heroin (which I don't lie about). Now I don't glorify the use of heroin, nor do I condone the use of it, but thats what I do. That's my thing. I'll be the first person to tell you that I have a problem. I don't brag about it. This seems to be my biggest set back. THe people I know are either with me (also users_ or against me (non-users). Now if you're against me thats fine in my book but you don't need to get on my back about it, christ. I know its not thebest thing to do. This is the stuff I hear from the same people that huff glue, sniff dope, smoke crach, sniff cocanie, and pop any pills they can get their hands on. True, its not the smame as shooting heroin into your veins byt whats the limit? I don't undersatnd how smoking large amounts of chrack make you any better than me. Do you see what Im trying to say? Im going to back it up a little and go through my drug history. It started with me giving into drinking during the Spring of 2000. Before that, I didn't even consider smoking, drinking, or doing drugs for the simple reason that I strongly believed that if you couldnt have fun without these mind altering substances, there gotta be something wrong. ------- and I stood side to side like Red and Mef but only on a Straight Edge Compaign against the ugly scene. I dont regret my actions to this day because its what I believed in and its that simple. Okay, so I started drinking which lead to me smoking pot. I felt bad the first time I smoked that sweet sweet cheeba because I had tried so hard to convince my current girlfriend that drugs are bad for you. Though that thought didnt last too long before I was smoking weed as often as I could. That led to LSA and quickly became my personal drug of choice. New Years Eve rolls around and in comes cocaine. Within the new year (2001) I tired numerous drugs including sniffing heroin, smoking PCP, ectasy, Special K, Crystal Meth, (smoked crack 2002) and numerous pills. That December is what I decided that I could at least try shotting herion. So I did and I got sick as a mother fucker. I didnt even get high. That didnt stop me from doing it. I didnt do it often but enough to know I liked it. I really liked it...."
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September 3rd, 2002
"...So with a lot of time and consideration, Ive decided to stop using heroin. Hooray! Though my original plans were just to quit until I got a job where I could spend my own money, rather than somone elses. I've been clean for one day so far. I know its not anything realy accomplishing but, its a start, ain't it?? I really am making an honest attempt to get myself together. I am going to get a job and work my way up there. I cant do anything stupid once I get this job because I cannot afford it. Once I get some money rolling in, things will get better. Im wanting to pay my debts off and same up some cash for a car."
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September 17th, 2002
"This is the way it goes. Sometimes ya flush and sometimes ya bust. And when you're up, its never as good as it seems and when you're down, you never think you're gonna be up again, but life goes on. Remember that, money isnt real George. It doesnt matter, it only seems like it does."--Ray Liota
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Ocober 12th, 2002
Well just when I think Im getting my shit together, I get a court summons about when I overdosed. Kelli took me to the Kelso Drive Court to find out what was going on. I got charged with pocession of marijuana, heroin and cocaine, and 3 counts of paraphenalia. Lovely, aint it? Its a max of 9 years and/er $52,500.00 in fines/charges. Kel said she would help me, give me whatever i needed, but it still doesnt make me feel any better. I cant tell my mom about this cause its not something you want to tell your mother. She knows something with the cort is going on but I cant come to tell her. I dont know what to do. Ok enought of that. Ive been clean for a little under 6 weeks. Thats damn good. I couldnt be any prouder of myself. I just need to get thru this court cause an Ill be fine. Drugs play a small part in my life as of right now to an extent, I mean I love drugs but I dont need them to survive.
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October 25th, 2002
No criminal charge...no court fees like what...UH!!! The only thing I have to do is go to rehab kinda thing. I was so thrilled to hear that. Now that court is over Stan James will be the force. whatever that means. Thanks to the earth and sun for making this possibel...right...
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