Amie H.

Realization

Stepping out into this thing they call a life, I peek out from behind my mask
of desires and I see my destiny laid out in front of my clouded eyes.
A life full of expectations, full of hopes and dreams for better...not one
fulfilled, dreams are exactly what they are...ungranted wishes.
I gain and lose and give and lose and my fate is that jagged, black rain
cloud hovering over my trampled down "welcome mat" of a heart. Fate begins
to rain down on me while my own tears rush into the overflowing river of my
life formed by that consistent, treacherous cloud.
What gives me energy to even gaze upon such a sight is the dark tears of
kismet that flow through my veins and out the corners of my weary, tired eyes.
Little do I realize that that which gives me energy is also draing the life
out of me. Through every teardrop that falls from that hovering
life...faster my mind tells me...but walking on the edge of disaster is not
like being perched atop the windowsill of a skyscraper wondering if it's
worth it to jump and end it all or not...it's like already being flat on that
pavement and feeling all the hurt and pain that you were once drowning in
drain out of you in puddles of blood on the sidewalk.
The feeling of relief washes over me after the initial shock of it all, while
the sidewalk turns into a white, silver-lined cloud in which I sit upon and
for once there is a smile on this face...a life, no, but a smile of relief,
of triumph in knowing I saved myself of choking and drowning in the sea of my
life...
But all that really happened was death...a defeat of my own life...a
misunderstanding...a loss...my smile quickly fades as reality hits me with a
lightening bolt of fate...

Open

I open myself to you every day of my life
I share my life with you
you know everything
I let you into the chambers of my heart, my life, myself
You ask, I do
Anything, because I love you
I spread my whole being thin, almost to the point where there is nothing left of me for me
All for you
And for what
To be pushed to the side
Pushed over the cliff
Off the top of the building
Pushed to slam the cold barrel of a gun aginst the side of my head
Or maybe shoved in my mouth
Pushed to pull the trigger
Promped to jump off the bridge
Freezing cold water which wraps its fingers around my throat and chokes and drowns my life
Your life
The sharp razor blade laid aginst my wrist
Ready to slide down and end this pain
But it's never sharp enough
The gun never holds the killing bullets
The building never high enough
Nor the cliff
Why
Because I love you
It's just the way it is
I want you
My heart is open
All to you
And you, you hold my beating, bleeding heart clenched between your fingers and palm, like it's a prize....and you do nothing
I don't ask much
Just let me in
Open yourself up to me
Let your icy heart warm to mine, join mine
Stop pushing my human self
Stop the horrid thoughts pushing me...pleading me...
And just do this one thing next time
When I knock on the doors of your cold heart with the love of mine,
Let me in

Rememberance

I see your face in the darkness
I hear the wind call your name
It whispers the dreadful memories
And wraps me in the horror of your reality
I see the brown grass, the black sky
The gates open and memories blind my eyes and flood my head...my mind has to wonder why
With my fists tightly clenched, my heart pounding so loud it drowns the silence beating the air around me
My chin held high
I feel the tears burning inside
They push to pour out the sides of my eyes
Burn my eyelids or my heart...?

I still walk through those woods
I don't dare make a sound
It all looks the same
I can feel your prescence all around
The owls speak your voice
The trees move as you did
The wind surrounds me and holds my body
Just as you did...so tight
That rushing wind whispers your name
Over and over and over again
So everyone can feel your pain
So everyone can know what you went through
Why did it happen
Nobody knows
No one understands
No one wants to
I don't even want to understand...that doesn't matter
Where are you...

I don't want to stay here
Where the grass is always brown
The sky is always black
My mind is always tangled and laced with the memories
But I have to remember that day
That day where your life
Was taken away

Beside The Oak

I see you
There standing beside the oak
The sky is crying
You�re drenched and your clothes hang off your body
Tousled hair begging to be touched

I see you
There standing beside the oak
My heart is wondering...
I wish I were that wetness clung to your skin
I wish you knew what you did

I see you
Now lying on the grass beside the oak
My eyes are flooded with the feelings I'm not sure how to say
I'm flustered with thoughts running through my head

I see you
Sprawled across the green gazing at the sky
My hands are tangled together; my heart is beating too fast
My knees are caving while my mouth quivers

I want you
There, lying beside the oak
I want your touch, your dreams, the lightness you bring
I need your love, your hands, your soul to entwine with mine

I see you
There, now standing beside the oak
And I watch you while I gasp for air, and calm my racing heart
Our life.... so beauteous, so nonexistent, so unreachable

I see you
There, standing beside the oak
The rain tapers while you take off your wet shirt
Your love is suddenly there to help

I see you
There, standing beside her
My heart screams aloud to stop what you are with her
To tell you how you make me feel and how I know I could do the same to you

I see you
There, standing beside the oak...

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the outline of your face
moves me to be near you,
your hand on my neck
pulls me to touch you,
your breath against my cheek
it beckons me to feel...
my body pulses as your lips brush my skin
they capture mine as the kiss begins
the softness, lip to lip, is amazing
and insane
carefully, slowly, our mouths dance
as tongues touch and feel the moment
hands pushing, pulling, trying
wanting...to feel
we fall and the heat is so strong
your hands everywhere
mine follow
all a blur as the pressure builds
and the rhythm flows
the passion unfolds and opens the emotion
the room is flooded with the feeling of connection
faster we go, wild beating hearts
sweat on your brow, love in your eyes
your hands find mine and lock into place
as the rush, the exhilaration arrives
slower now
slower even still
till we collapse and shudder
and kiss, touch, hold
and love

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