april 28th
well it seems like a long time since ive put any nice depressing thoughts of mine on this site
well IM BACK!!
tehehe
demoness_bianca
my new name on bnet
tehehe
and my new saying "tehehe"
makes ppl think im actually happy or sumthin
well i dunno
im still stuck in the same rut
im beginning to think that maybe... ahh nevermind...
just sumthin that came to mind, thats all...
tehehe?
no? u dont buy it?
my fake smile? my fake laugh?
y not?
imitating wat i see
happy ppl
maybe there just pretendin like me
im totally missing out
argh
ever wonder y u changed?
that everything used to be better
and u did sumthin wrong
sumthing really horrible
and ur being punished for it
i dunno
wat i was typin bout
just kinda went off
tehehe
these thoughts come from my mind
i think that at least
i wonder if maybe they dont
ever wonder that?
im being controlled
i have no power over nuthin
argh
but thats not the rite attitude, is it?
nope
but dammit
im sick of positive stuff
and im sick of the negative stuff too
aint there anything inbetween?
any middle ground?
neutral?
i just want sumthin nice, sumthin stable, thats always there
sumthin i can count on
sumthin other then being stupidly depressed
sumthin nice and happy
i guess...

march 15th
it seems to never end
cant everything just stop
then i can think
hmm
choices to make
i hate em
wat do i do?
i no nuthin
i am nuthin
but... i no those to be lies
lies i create
to keep my illusions
i hold then dear
like memories
i hate
and those i luv
i still dunno wat to do
cant make my own decisions
they end up as failures
like i am
total and complete failure
thats me!
heh
well its my own damn fault
seems like everythings my fault
probably cuz it is
dwelling in my mind as usual
i keep repeating the same stuff
so pessimistic
i am
insecure
thats me
everything u think of that can be wrong
every flaw a person can have
search and ull find me
inside my shell
im always there
wit nuthin inside
but pictures and memories
that invade everday
my sanity, i think will break
will this ever end?
i ask in vain
no one will answer
im truely alone
in this
seems so hopeless

march 4th
am i gettin closer?
sometimes i think im gonna go over the edge
i never do tho
mental breakdown
unfortunatly my weak, feeble mind seems to be able to take a lot of stress, pressure?
watever u wanna call it
i really dont think i can take anymore of this
yet i keep on trugin thu it
i wonder wats keepin me goin
y dont i just break down and scream
cuz thats wat i wanna do sometimes
just scream to the world that i cant take this anymore
then ill go run and hide
probably in albedo
ill hold quinn
tell albedo and quinn how much i love them
whisper to melfice that im sry that i cant tell him just how much i love him
then me albedo and quinn will drive
drive till i run out of gas
drive till i run out of money
drive till i decide
decide, hah!
thats a joke i cant make decisions
i just wait for things to happen
wat will i decide...?
decide to die?
nah, im not tough enough
id need some1 to help me
assisted, yep
OMFG!
IM SO STUPID!!
i can make all these plans till hell freezes over,but...
i no that i probably wont carry em out
u no y?
cuz i cant do nuthin rite
everthin i do is stupid
everythin i do has no meanin watsoever
hah
i laugh at my own stupidity
cuz thats wat it is
no one will probably read anythin on this site
cept for ppl i told bout my site
it seems that no one will understand
i wanna no
when will i snap?
when?
wat is my breakin point?
will it actually happen?
im beginning to doubt it
AHHHHHHHH!
I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
ITS JUST TOO MUCH!
I CANT HANDLE IT!
plz tell me how to escape it
i desperatly need advice
cuz i cant trust my own decisions
wat few decisions that i do make
my judgement?
hah! thats a joke
i dont no wat im doin
i try to just pretend...
works most of the time
wats wrong?
nuthin
im ok
just nvm all this
its a bunch of BS
my whole life is a bunch of BS
i really dont no wat im doin
dont no wat im sayin
so very confused
I HATE THIS!
...
heh

feb 12th
life still sux
i try and try
sooner or later
sooner or later
wat an idiot i am
yeah
o well
it wont matter anymore
will it?
will the end to this come?
end to wat u ask
well its not that important
is it?
is wat?
im not making sense, am i?
is it that wrong?
i wonder?
and so i wonder
i think and think
and i do nuthin
end
of
my
life
is that really wat i want?
i dunno anymore
im so confused
im so sry
im so stupid
wat else can i say?
i no i missed my chance
i probably wont get it again
not the same
so will i leave?
y ru reading this, have u no life like me?
i have no life
hiding in my shell, i cant say wat i want to say
cant trust any1
*sigh*
when will this be done
will i survive or will i give in?
will i die?
I HATE THIS!
ima a little nobody
thats all that i am
change is so hard
so i go for the easiest way
is it?
it doesnt seem so easy to me
if i stop thinking and start doing...
but i cant seem to do that
i cant seem to do anything
useless i am
worthless i am
despair comsumes me
i should just stfu
never talk cuz everything i say is stupid
everything i do is stupid
everything i am is stupid
its true
cuz thats wat i believe
cant change, its 2 hard
*sigh*
restless inside
i wanna scream
someone answer me
wounds inside and out
consume me
save me?
do i want to be saved?
i dunno
i dont no anything
someone answer for me
plz
i cant make decisions
im too...
too stupid
on a lighter note...
there is no lighter note
darkness surrounds me
-end-

feb 10th
havent wrote nuthin in a while...
i suppose my last entry was kinda...
well kinda depressing
i suppose thats how i always seem
im begining to wonder if ppl really read this
or if all that im writing is in vain
that nobody actually hears me
that im really truly alone in this life
yea i have friends, but i dont trust em
y? i dont think i really no
cept i dont think i ever really trusted any1
well just gimme some weed and ill be fine
at least until i remember y i wasnt happy in the 1st place
:( o well i dont care :(

jan 13th
yea life sux
take da easy way out?
im so stupid
oh well
i can try
n succeed?
i dont have much faith in myself
i cant do anything rite

jan 12th
gotta new site
da home of bianca
plz visit this site
n sign da guestbook
thx

jan 8th
wat a bore!
found out i am totally an idiot
wait i new that b4!
lol
u dont think...no...
im addicted to battle.net...?
i only play till 2 am
thats not 2 late
o well i dont care!
lol

jan 1st
omg! a new year
my last yr at hs!
im so scared of the future
and i laugh
WHAT FUTURE?
i have no future
im just stupid

dec 28th-hey its sunday
i have nothing to do
but go shopping
for video games that is....
im gonna finally buy diablo 2
yea its been out a while
but i can afford 20 bucks
dats all 4 2day have a nice sunday

HEY ITS 2 DAY! CHRISTMAS DAY!
aint every1 happy?
i dont have much 2 say 2day...
i really dont like christmas
it sux-big time
i no u sayin u gettin presents is kewl
but if u aint happy it really sux!
thats all 4 2day kids
have fun n be happy!