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Sardarji is buying a TV. �Do you have colour TVs?" "Sure." "Give me a green one, please." Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?" �Just a sec," says the rep. Thank you." says the Sardar and hangs up. Sardarji is filling up a job application. He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc cetera. Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED. After much thought he writes: Yes. Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes, if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs, angrily exclaims: "71st and *again* barefoot!" Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask." The Sardar asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The Sardar says, "I'll take it!" The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos. His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with �you?" He said, "It's a Thermos flask." The boss asks, "What does it do?" He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke." Sardarji fixed an answering machine at home. Two days later he disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai." What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies? He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes. What does Sardarji do when he has one white sheet and wants an extra sheet? He makes a photocopy of the white sheet There was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave... "No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then we would become a State of USA and develop automatically." All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL... HAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???" Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied. He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied. "Damn, he recognised me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days, saw the salesman again."I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied. Why did 18 Sardars go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed. How do you measure Sardarji's intelligence? Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear What do you do when Sardarji throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What do you do when Sardarji throws a pin at you? Run like crazy...he's got a hand grenade in his mouth. How do you make Sardarji laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday. What was Sardarji doing when he held his hands tightly over>>his ears? He was trying to hold on to a thought. Why does Sardarji work seven days a week? So you don't have to retrain him on Monday. Why can't Sardarji make ice cubes? He always forget the recipe. How did Sardarji try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff. What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel What do you see when you look into Sardarji's eyes? The back of his head. What do you call a Sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh. (Silent t) What do you call a Sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh. Why does Sardarji always smile when a lightning blazes? He thinks his picture is being shot. Why does Sardarji have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. How can you tell when Sardarji sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it. Why can't Sardarji dial 911? He can't find the 11 on the dial. >How do you get Sardarji on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house "Oh, look at the dead bird." Sardarji looked skyward and asked, "Where, Where? What do smart Sardars and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them. Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman than a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kms a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kgs. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to reporthe had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor."I'm 2400 kms from home." Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are at a railway station Hari asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?" "No," answers the clerk."Can I?" asks Gani. Sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park. When the Dinosaurs start approaching he cowers in his seat. His friend asks him, "Kyun Sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyun lag raha hai? Cinema hi to hai."Sardarji replies, "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai, lekin woh to janwar hai, usko kya pata." Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks...takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks, "Kyon bhai ye sab kyun leke baithe ho?" Sardarji replies, "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun." Sardarji is travelling by train. He feels sleepy, so he gives the guy opposite 20 rupees to wake him upwhen his station comes. This guy is a barber. He feels that for 20 rupees Sardarji deserves more.So, when Sardarji falls asleep, the barber quietly shaves off his beard. When the station arrives, he wakes up Sardarji and sends him home. Reaching home, he goes to wash his face,and suddenly screams when he sees the mirror.Sardarni asks, "What's the matter?""The cheat on the train takes my 20 rupees and wakes up someone else!" Having lost his donkey Sardarji, got down to his knees and thanked God. A passerby saw this and asked, "Your donkey is missing. What are you thanking God for?" Sardarji replied, "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time,otherwise I would have been missing too." Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills the birth certificate."Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese." "How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?" " Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it said every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese." Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and Sardarji were sent to the outer space.The ground control issues commands, "Rubi!" "Woof!" (barking sound ) "Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!" "Moti!" "Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!""Sardarji!" "Woof." "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!" Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder." Santa and Banta Singhs landed up in Bombay and got into a doubledecker. Santa somehow managed to get a bottom seat in the bus. Unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. When the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to look up Banta, found Banta in badly scared, clutching the seats in front with both hands.Santa asked, "Arre Banta! What's going on? Why so scared? I was enjoying my ride down there? Scared Banta replied, "Yeah, but you've got a *driver*." Santa with two red ears went to see his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears. "I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang. Instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.""Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief "But...what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back. AISI APNI WIFE HO.... Aisi apni Wife ho.... 5' 4" jiski height ho, Jeans jiski tight ho, Chehara jiska bright ho, Weight mein thodi light Ho, Umar me difference slight ho, Thodi see wo quiet ho, Aise apni Wife ho. Sadak per sab kahe kya hai wo, Bhid me sab kahe side ho, side ho, India ki paidaish ho, Sas ki seva jiski khwahish ho Aisi apni Wife ho. Padosi jab baat kare to haath me knife ho, Dinner candle light ho, Dono me na kabhi fight ho, Milane ke baad dil delight ho, Hey prabhu teri archana uski life ho. Yeh kavita padhke sab kahe "Guru, tum right ho", Aise apni Wife ho. Kaash yeh concept 0.0001 percent bhi right ho Agar aisi apni wife hoto kya hasin life ho Har kisi ki yahi farmaish ho kudrat ki bhi aajmaish ho khudah ke software mein bhi bug ki na gunjaish ho Ay kaash, kahin to ek aisi paidaish ho aisi apni wife ho. Once a Sardar (Sadar is an Indian who wear big turban) applied to a medical school - needless to say he never made it. You know why? These are the answers he gave in his admission test paper: Antibody - against everyone Artery - the study of fine paintings Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria Benign - what you be after you be eight Bowel - letters other than a,e,i,o,u Caesarian Section - a district in Rome Cardiology - advanced study of Poker playing Cat Scan - searching for lost kitty Chronic - neck of a crow Coma - punctuation mark Cortisone - area around local court Cyst - short for sister Diagnosis - person with slanted nose Dilate - the late British Princess Diana Dislocation - in this place Duodenum - couple in blue jeans Enema - not a friend Genes - blue denim Hernia - she is close by Hymen - greeting to several males Impotent - distinguished / well-known Labor Pain - hurt at work Lactose - people without feet Lymph - walk unsteadily Menopause - I no wait Microbes - small dressing gowns Obesity - City of Obe Protein - in favor of teens Pulse - grain Red Blood Count - Dracula Rupture - Ecstasy Secretion - hiding anything Subcutaneous - not cute enough Suture - Gujrati for "what do you want" Tablet - small table Tumor - extra pair Urine - opposite of you're out Varicose - very close Vas Deferens - extremely different Vein - at what time Vitreous Humor - both witty & fun After he failed the medical he decided to migrate to Sri-Lanka and become a Member of Parliament GOOD WORDS Seen on a bulletin board: Success is relative More the success, more the relatives Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay: We need your heads to run our business A traffic slogan: Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be Sign in a restaurant: All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager Sign on a railway station at Patna: Aana free, jaana free, pakdhe gaye to khana free Seen on a famous beauty parlour in Bombay: Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother! A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says " Hello, how did you know I was here?" *********** How many sardars does it take to pull off a kidnapping? Six. One to kidnap the victim and five to write the ransom note. *********** Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world? Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to. ********** Did you hear about the sardar who signed all his checks so no one else could use them if he lost his checkbook? ********** Did you hear about the sardar who asked his friends to give him all their burnt out light bulbs? He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom. ********* Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day. "Why", his friend Santa Singh asked him, "are you wearing two jackets?". "Because," said Banta Singh, "The directions on the can said to put on two coats." ********** A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. Then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can." ********** We're almost there," said the Santa Singh to Banta Singh. "See those two houses over there... mine's the one in the middle!" ********** Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge? They're there for those who don't drink. ********** Why do sardars have see-through lunch box lids? So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. ********** A sardar's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think-I'm sardar!" ********** Why couldn't the sardar write the number "eleven"? He didn't know which "one" came first... LALOO YADAV JOKES Subject: Laloo Yadav- for your reading pleasure Lallo Yadav in USA and then back to India ==================================== Infotech does not suit India - Laloo (News Item, 15.7.00) RJD President and former CM of Bihar Laloo Prasad Yadav said that he was all against information technology and says "this does not suit our country." Yadav said in a TV interview, "IT kya hota hai? Yeh kya kartaa hai? What is in a computer? Hum iskay virodhi hain. This is not America. We have 100 crore people. What good is IT other than rendering skilled people useless. It encourages unemployment." When Bill Gates heard about this interview, he decided to invite Laloo to Microsoft HQ. to give him some basic lessons (despite Bill Clinton's advice about the futility of such an exercise based on his own experience!) about computers and IT. Before starting the lessons, Bill Gates wanted to check the level of knowledge of Laloo regarding computers. The following conversation took place between Laloo and Bill Gates: BG: Mr. Yadav, you must have heard of Windows. Laloo: Oy yes! In most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept. BG: At home, have you installed Windows? Laloo: I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house. Gates(Confused): Then what is the system you operate on? Laloo: Operation? Yes, I had a hernia operation last month. Gates (Sweating): Hope the internet is being used a lot in India. Laloo: O yes! Due to increased mosquito problems, many people are sleeping under the net. Gates: By the year 2003, India should export computer chips. Laloo: We are already exporting potato chips. Gates (Feeling very uneasy): Do you use laptops? Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap. Gates (Heavily sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM. Laloo: Rum? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in AP. Gates(Feeling dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes. Laloo: I have exhausted all my leave. Gates: I have no energy left. Let us go out and have a bite. Laloo: Bite? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite. Gates (System crashes!) **************************** Well, what happened to Bill Gates was nothing compared to what happened to Bill Clinton. He had heard a lot about Laloo Prasad Yadav and Bihar, so he wanted to meet Laloo. Laloo was a bit hesitant as did not know how to communicate in English. Bill Clinton communicated that Laloo Prasad Yadav should come to USA with no hesitation, he himself would teach him English. So Laloo reached USA and was given a red carpet welcome and was taken to the White House straight away. Bill Clinton said that he alone would teach Laloo in a large conference room. Bill Clinton only would open the door when the lessons are over. So it started. 1 hr. passed, 2,3,4,5.....hrs. passed;a day passed; two days passed, 3,4,5,6.....; weeks passed. What a sensation all over America; all decisions were pending; economy came to a standstill. Total confusion everywhere. On the 40th day of their lessons, Clinton opened the door and what a sight to see;all his clothes were torn, his face scratched, his otherwise very nicely done hair totally raised.People were surprised to see him. Laloo Prasad Yadav followed him with his ever glowing face. Then Clinton's Secretary came forward and asked Clinton,Could you teach English to Laloo Prasad? Clinton replied,"Eee Lalua Sasura Hamri Ekahu Nahi Sunta Hai." ********************* When Laloo returned from the USA, Rabri Devi was very much impressed by the performance of her 'bachhon ke baap.' So she decided to get a special postage stamp issued with Laloo's picture on it to honour him. Laloo stressed that the stamp should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released, and Laloo was pleased. But within a couple of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the matter.Rabri checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Laloo Prasad. She said: "The stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our people are spitting on the WRONG SIDE." JOKE A threesome composed of an American, a German and a Japanese guy are >golfing and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American >excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left pinky finger to >his >mouth, and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, >he looks at the other two and says, "Oh, this is the latest American >technology in cellular phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my >pinky >and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?" They continue golfing until >the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head >to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. >When he >finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German >technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the >antenna is >inserted in my spine. Ah, the wonders of German superior know-how!" >At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese >fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American >look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the >middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants >down around his ankles, with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his behind. >"What on earth are you doing?" asks the American. The Japanese fellow looks >up and replies "Waiting for a fax." > Hi there, see this and do understand the situation of India....something which u will definitely love to read..... Do you know that: The population of India is 100 crores. But did you know that.... 19 crores are retired. That leaves 81 crores to do the work. There are 25 crores in school, which leaves 56 crore to do the work. Of this there are 22 crores employed by the Central Government, Leaving 34 crores to do the work.(as you know, government employees do not believe in working) 4 crores are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 30 crores to do the work. Take from the total the 20 crores people who work for State Governments and that leaves 10 crores to do the work.(They also do not work..) Total unemployed are 8 crores that leaves 2 crores to do the work. At any given time there are 1.2 crore people in hospitals, leaving 80,00,000 to do the work. Now, there are 79,99,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.......You and me !!!. And currently you're sitting at your computer reading this essay. So I am the only person in our country who is working.!!!!!! And that's why India is surviving !!! Now, stop reading that and do your job because I want to take rest. And I don't want India to suffer because of that. Heeeeeee Heeeeeeeeee...................................... IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY THE ORIGINAL VERSION: If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours.... THE PESSIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was. THE OPTIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back. THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why. THE IMPATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her. THE PATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ... THE PLAYFUL VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... * If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat * THE LAWYER'S VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that... THE BILL GATES VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade. THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION:: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway. THE POSSESSIVE VERSION: If you love somebody don't ever set her free. THE MBA VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... instantaneously... and look for others simultaneously. THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, her super ego is dominant If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme If she doesn't go, she must be crazy. THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans. If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad. THE MARKETING VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, she has brand loyalty If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets I was born intelligent - education ruined me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train, station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a, work station...What more can I say ???? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright Until you hear them speak. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A RATHER LENGTHY ESSAY ON THE VAGARIES OF OUR BELOVED LANGUAGE!! Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant; nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or Frenchfries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,are meat! We take English for granted. But if we explore it's paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groceand hammers don't ham? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables,what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane!! In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you ever run into someone who was gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, ofcourse, isn't a race at all!!). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind-up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it ?? They're written by Andy Rooney a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy........ I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows. I've learned.... that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day. I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right. I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child. I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way. I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with. I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult. I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned... That money doesn't buy class I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I�ve learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks. I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned....That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've learned....That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away. I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation. I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail each day. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. ALL ABOUT CONTRADICTIONS On Second Thoughts � Imagine if you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? � If it's zero degrees outside today, and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? � Why is it called building when it is already built? � If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? � If you drop a chameleon in water, will it turn clear? � If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? � If the entire world is a stage where is the audience sitting? � If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? � If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? � If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? � Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? � If horrific means to make horrible does terrific mean to make terrible? � Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? � If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP? � I thought how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? � Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? Are we supposed to write to them? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailman could look for them while delivering the mail? When God passed out brains, I thought he said trains, and I missed mine. When God passed out looks, I thought He said books, and I didn't want any. When God passed out ears, I thought He said beers, and I asked for two large ones. When God passed out legs, I thought He said kegs, and I asked for two fat ones. When God passed out noses, I thought He said roses, and I asked for a big red one. When God passed out heads, I thought He said beds, and I asked for a big with soft pillow one. God am I a mess? No you're a SARDAR!! _________________________________________________________________________________ Top 10 Sardarji inventions........ 1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered torch 3) Submarine revolving door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag PAKISTANI JOKES So a Pakistani US citizen goes to the doctor because he just simply doesn't feel good. He's tired, his stomach is upset, he has a headache.Just feels terrible. The doctor checks him over and can't find any medical reason for him to feel the way he does. He offers a Naturotherepy approach that he has seen work before. The Pakistani man is stunned, though,that the treatment means he has to go home, shit and piss into a plastic bag and leave it in his basement for a week. Trust me," the doctor says, "I have seen this work." The man goes home and follows through on the instructions. Within a day, though his house smells terrible and by the end of the week, it is an overwhelming stench. His eyes water every time he walks in the door, but he feels no better. He calls to yell at the doctor who calmly says,"Go down and take three big deep breaths directly from the bag and you will be cured." "You're crazy!" comes the reply. "Trust me." says the doctor. Down he goes into the basement and he takes the first breath. Gagging and choking, he does it again. Then, on the third breath, he feels The headache leave. His stomach settles and he feels amazingly well. The stench is even tolerable. He calls the doctor to tell him the good news. "I told you I've seen this work with people from Pakistan before," Says the doctor. "You were just homesick!" _____________________________________________________________________ There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finaly the Indian said, "In my family we normaly solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his groin howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!" ________________________________________________________________________ An insect falls into a mug of beer... Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer. Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer -Relates the issue to Kashmir -Asks the Chinese for Military aid-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer ________________________________________________________________________ Q. You're locked in a room with Saddam Hussien, Adolf Hitler, and pakistani. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do? A. Shoot the pakistani twice to make sure he's dead. Q. What's brown and black and looks great on a pakistani? A. A Doberman. Q. How can you tell when a pakistani is lying? A. His lips are moving. Q. What do you have when a pakistani is buried up to his neck in sand? A. Not enough sand. Q. Did you Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of pakistanis? A. He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met _____________________________________________________________________ Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a "round the world" tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt. The Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, "Friends, we are in trouble. The Gods are angry with us. We need to give a sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their lives so that rest of us can be saved." All of them moved towards the Deck where a Japanese came forward and shouted "Long live Japan" and jumped into the Sea. Then an Israeli Jew stepped forward and said "Hallelujah" and dived into the sea. After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward near the railing and chanted, "Jo bole-so-nihal, sat sri akaal, wahe Guruji da khalsa, wahe guruji di fateh, Jai maa Kali, Jai maa Durga, Jai Hanuman, Jai Sri Ram, Jai siva-sankar, Jai baba nanak di, Jai jawan jai kissan "and finally yelled at the top of his voice, "Bharat mata ki jai" and kicked the Pakistani standing next to him in the sea. Jai Hind Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were going in an auto. They met with an accident and all three of them die. Yama DharmaRaj was waiting for this moment. He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL. Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All three of them served public. Similarly, took bribes, misused public post etc. He felt that there should be a formal test or a concrete way to decide this, and should not be just based on opinion. Yama agrees to this and asks all three of them to appear for English test. PVNR is asked to spell "INDIA" and he does it correctly. Advani is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes. It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell "CZECHOSLOVAKIA". Laloo protests that he doesn't know English. It is not fair that he is given a tough question and thus forced to fail. Yama agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi is ideal). PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and passes. Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes. Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....." Tough one. Fails. Laloo is not happy. Being a history student, he preferred only to be tested in History. Yama says this is the last chance and he would not take any more tests. PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence?". He replied "1947" and passed. Advani is asked "How many people died in it?". He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000 (clue). Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes. It's Laloo's turn now. Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died. LALOO accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL. MORAL : IF YOUR BOSS IS DETERMINED TO SCREW YOU, ANTICIPATE IT AND � BE PREPARED TO ACCEPT IT. THERE IS NO ESCAPE These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one;-) Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. Top 10 Sardarji inventions........ 1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered torch 3) Submarine revolving door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag Gender Dimensions of computer����. The gender dimension has reached one more dimension... An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What "gender" is a computer"? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The more you learn, the more you know, the more you know, the more you forget.The more you forget, the less you know. So.... why learn. If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. I was born intelligent - education ruined me. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station....what more can I say��. If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for? Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa .One should love animals. They are so tasty. Save water. Shower with your girl friend Love thy neighbour. But don't get caught. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise. Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today. Love is photogenic It needs darkness to develop Children in backseats cause accidents Accidents in backseats cause children "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning "Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk ! "Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours When two's company, three's the result Love doesn't have to have a happy ending, 'co love doesn't have to end at all. A successful man is the one who can earn more than his wife can spend, and a successful woman is the one who can search such man!!!! Something is better than nothing, and nothing is better than god, so something is better than god. Isn�t it??? Tumhare samne hain itney items kabhi hame bhi pick karo... Hamare pyar ke ICON pe kabhi to tum DOUBLE-CLICK karo... Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet The Great Shayaries Door se dekha to kuchh dikha nahi..... >>>> >Dooor se dekhaaa... to kuchh dikha nahi..... >>>>> Paas jake dekhaa to kuchh tha hi nahi >>>>> >>>>> Door se dekha to Patthhar dikhta tha..... >>>>> Dooor se dekha... to Patthharr dikhtaa thaa..... >>>>> Paas jake dekha to... suchmuch Patthhar hi thaa... >>>>> >>>>>Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha >>> >>Door se dekha to paani baras raha tha >> >>>Paas gaya... to bheeg gaya... >>>>> Door se dekha to sher tha >>>> >Door se dekha to sher tha >>>> >Is liye paas gaya hi nahi... >>>>> >> >>>LITTLE SENSE SERIES: >>> >>Khud ko kar buland itnaa.... >>>>> Ke' Himaalay ki choti pe jaa pahunche.... >>>>> aur khuda tumse puche.... >>>>> 'Abe sale gadhe... ab utrega kaise ' >>>>> >>>>> Mat pee sharab Galib masjid mein baith kar >>>> � Ek hi to botal hai, kisi ne chhin le, to ? >>>>> � Ja, ghar ja...(wah wah) >>>>> > � >>>> jise dil diya woh dilli chali gayi >>>>> � jise pyar kiya woh italy chali gayi >>>>> � dil ne kaha khud kushi(sucide) kar le jalim >>>>> � bijali ko haath lagaya to bijali chali gayi >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> � Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main, >>>>> � badi joshh ke sath ! >>>>> � Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main, >>>>> � badi shhor ke sath ! � Aab hum pyar karenge badi soch ke sath ! >>>> � > Kyon ki usey kal shamko dekha kisi aur ke sath ! >>>>> >>>>> � � � Hein Chaand Tu Is Tarah >>>>> � Itrakar Na Dekh, >>>>> � Humne Bhi Kayee Chand Dekhen Hein >>>>> � Tummhe To Daag Hein, >>>>> � Humne To BeDaag Dekhen Hein. >>>>> >>>>> � Mein Labve Shikvan Ko Seen Letan Hoon, >>>>> � Chand Ghadiyaan Yuhi Jee Leta Hoon, >>>>> � Magar Jise Samjoo Dost Ka Haath >>>>> � Uss Hath Se Zeher Bhi Pee Leta Hoon. >>>>> >>>>> � � Pyar Mein Log Jinda Dafnaye Jatein Hein, >>>>> � Pyar Mein Log Jinda Dafnaye Jatein Hein, >>>>> � Kabar khood Ke Dekhon Intezaar Mein Paaye Jatte Hein. >>>>> >>>>> � � � Kitne Log They Tumhare Zanaze Ke Peeche, >>>>> � Ek Mein Nahin Tha Tere Zanaze Ke Peeche, >>>>> � Mein Hota Bhi Kaise Tere Zanaze Ke Peeche, >>>>> � Jo Mera Zanazaa Ja raha tha Tere Zanaze Ke Peeche. >>>>> � � � Tujhe Kisi Aur Ke Dil Mein Dekh, >>>>> � Mein Khuda Se Karne Gaya Fariyad, >>>>> � Kya Karen, Kambakhat Khuda Bhi >>>>> � Tumhara Chaahane wala Nikla. >>>>> >>>>> � � Har Waqt Ikrar Karne Par jawab Milta Hein Nahin >>>>> � Har Waqt Ikrar Karne Par jawab Milta Hein Nahin >>>>> � Itne Zulm Seh Chuke Hoon, Unme Ek Zulm Aur Sahi. >>>>> >>>>> � � � � PYAAR MEIN DHOKA SERIES : >>>>> >>>>> � � � Maine tujhe sau-sau khat likhe, >>>>> � tune kisi ka bhi jawab nahi diya; >>>>> � kahin tere dil mein raddi ki tokri to nahi? >>>>> >>>>> � � � Maine tumhare yaadon mein ro ro ke tub bhar diya >>>>> � Magar tum itney be-wafa nikle ki nahake chal diye... >>>>> � � Woh chham chham karke aayee >>>>> � Aur chham chham karke chalee gayee >>>>> � Main sindoor ka dibba lekar khada raha >>>>> � Woh Rakhee bandh ke chalee gayee... >>>>> >>>>> � � Badi der se jinki zulfon pe nazren jamaye baithe the >>>>> � Badi der se jinki zulfon pe nazren jamaye baithe the >>>>> � Paas jakar dekha to sardarji nikla (wah wah)... >>>>> >>>>> � � � � TOTAL NONSENSE SERIES : >>>>> >>>>> � Jee karta hai ki teri nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon >>>>> � Jee karta hai ki teree nili nili aankhon main dub jaoon >> � >>>Splash ! >>>>> � � � Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel? >>>> � >Yeh aankhen hai ya neeli jheel? >>> � So? What's the big deal? >>>>> >>> � � � Dharti so rahi hai, >>>>> � Aasman so raha hai >>>>> � Dharti so rahi hai, >>>>> � Aasman so raha hai >>>>> � Nonsense! yeh sab kya ho raha hai? >>>>> >>>>> � � � Aasmaan mein ud raha hai kabootar >>>>> � Aasmaan mein ud raha hai kabootar >>>>> � Flutter Flutter, Flutter Flutter >>>>> >>>>> � � Dharti, taarey, pahaad, pathar >>>>> � Dharti, taarey, pahaad, pathar........ >>>>> � Ekhathar, bahathar, chauhathar ! >>>>>( trihathar is on leave ) >>>>> � � Aaj aasmaan mein taare aise chamak rahe hain >>>>> � aasmaan mein taare aise chamak rahe hain........ >>>>> � Bilkul jaise kal chamak rahe the...(wah wah) >>>>> >>>>> � � kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai >>>>> � kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai ...... >>>>> � ke kyon kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai?? >>>>> >>>>> � � � Gum woh cheez hai..... >>>>> � Gum woh cheez hai..... >>>>> � Jisse kagaz chipkaye jaate hai, >>>>> � For example Fevicol (wah wah) >>>>> � � � Main tere pyar mein paagal hua chhaliye >>>>> � Mein tere pyar mein paagal hua chhaliye, >>>>> � Iodex maliye kaam pe chaliye >>>>> >>>>> � � � Tum har raat mere khwabon mein aao, >>>>> � Tum har raat mujhe yuunhi satao, >>>>> � Melody khao khud jaan jao... >>>>> >>>>> � � Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan >>>>> � Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan >>>>> � Lifebouy hai jahan, tandurusti hai wahan >>>>> >>>>> � � Maine tumse pyar kiya, tere baap ne mujhe pita >>>>> � Maine tumse pyar kiya, tere baap ne mujhe pita >>>>> � Tan ki shakti, man ki shakti, Bournvita (Chorus: Aha- >>>>>aha...) >>>>> � � Aur, ant mein Ghalib ke liye ek sher: >>>>> >>>>> � Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib..... >>>>> � Kyon apni kabar khood-hi khod raha hai Galib..... >>>>> � La, phawda mujhe de.(Wah Wah) >>>>> >>>>> � � Tumne mere man se khela >>>>> � Tumne mere tan se khela >>>>> � Tumne mere dhan se khela >>>>> � Wah, Wah Wah !well played! well played! >>>>> >>>>> � � kaaash ke tere chehre par Chickenpox ke daag hote..... >>>>> � kaaash ke tere chehre par chickenpox ke daag hote..... >>>>> � chand to tu hai hi ..sitaare bhee saaath hote !!! >>>>> >>>>> � � � jee chahata hei kee tere nazuk honthon ko choom lu >>>>> � jee chahata hei kee tere nazuk honthon ko choom lu >>>>> � magar teri bahti hui naak ne iraada badal diya.... >>>>> >>>>> � � � � ************************************************************** >>>>> Enjoy the following: >>>>> >>>>> � � � ladka bola : >>>>> � kash ein hasinao ke baap mar jate, >>>>> � bahana gam ka hota, hum inke ghar to jaate. >>>>> � � Ladki boli: >>>>> � Bewkoof, Yeh bolana bhi paap hoga, >>>>> � kisi din tu bhi kisi hasina ka baap hoga. >>>>> >>>>> � � Ladki boli: >>>>> � Chandni chaand se hoti hai, sitaron se nahi, >>>>> � Mohabbat ek se hoti hai, hazaaron se nahi. >>>>> >>>>> � � Ladka bola : >>>>> � Chandni agar chaand se hogi to sitaron ka kya hoga, >>>>> Mohabbat agar ek se hogi to hazaron ka kya hoga. >>>>> >>>>> � Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai, >>>>> � Bewafa sanam se to cigrattee achi hai, >>>>> � Dil jalati hai, par hoto se to lagti hai >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> � Who sadak ke us paar the Hum sadak ke is paar the Do kadam voh chale Do kadam hum chale Aur phir do kadam voh chale phir do kadam hum chale phir do kadam voh chale phir do kadam hum chale ab voh sadak ke is paar hai , aur hum sadak ke us paar hai
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