| woe is me |
| mostly just to make me feel better- but sometimes funny- please take pleasure in my pain most recent at the bottom |
| 5/22/03--- I want to be a songwriter a playwrite- I want to write a screenplay.I want to convey the feelings that I know I�m not the only one feeling. I don�t care how, I don�t care when but soon�d be nice. For example when I like a guy, when we�re really diggin each other and something shitty happens as it always does and he apologizes, like they always do because it makes them think we feel better and so- whew-now they can feel better. Big sigh of relief. I want to express it- why? Because I have no doubt that there are thousands of other me's out there feeling exactly the same. Or�when I�m at the grocery store and deep inside I�m thinking 'if you�re too stupid to shop for the food- you�re too stupid to eat the food� boy would that clear up our overcrowding problem. And I�m not a horrible person; I don�t think these things, but my god man!!! How many white trash, food stamp toting, baby factories does it really take to buy some diapers? So today I had a � well I can�t say bad day cause it was better than that the day I stepped on a nail when I was 2- I hear. But I can�t say good cause well- it wasn�t, there were no ponies, no rainbows, no Ed McMahon with a big check. I have plenty to bitch about, but that annoying little voice in my head keeps shoving clich�s down my throat. Cause sometimes it really is the hopeless clich�s that get me out of bed in the morning. It could be worse, I am very fortunate- I do have spectacularly splendiferous friends and family and the grand daddy of all self help clich�s- he really doesn�t deserve me. These things I know- I mean know. However- and there�s ALWAYS a but- where the fuck is my happy go lucky, all smiles and giggles happy friggin birthday life? So, I�m 22 and i have all the time in the world- well I�m not used to happy- I need practice. I am a truly amazing individual that spends more time understanding, caring, empathizing and worrying about others that I do cooking, sitting on the toilet and brushing my teeth combined- at least. And I�m not asking for perfection. Work should be stressful sometimes and, love should not be easy all the time but I think I deserve to go to the grocery store and leave in at least as good of a mood as I came in. better may be too much to ask and if I�m being selfish- i apologize, but I reiterate- my god man! I also believe that I have more talent in my pinky than Vin Diesel does in his entire being. My problem is I can�t find it and he�s hottttttt so look who's where!! I also know that I have more drive than 75% of the �talented� people out there. And don�t get me wrong; I�m not mad at them for not using it. Do what makes you happy in life. I�m just a little confused, I think I was sleeping the day they explained the handing out of talent and drive in science class. I just think I deserve to be happy part of the time. I�m all for putting my time in- no pain, no gain-- can I just have a little gain to make life worth the pain? |
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| 5/25/03-- Why am I so nice? I do for the most part, take pride in my nicety. But sometimes in the long run, it backfires and just hurts me more. I�m also too understanding. Maybe not too understanding but again, it can backfire. It makes it virtually impossible to be mad at someone. That�s also how I end up hearing- �I don�t want to ruin our friendship�. And I know that�s a crock of bull, because if you look at my history, I�m still fairly good friends with most of my exes. And I don�t think you can blame me for the one that�s in prison! Though if he wrote me, I�d probably write the dumbass back. I don�t know, sometimes I have to wonder if I�d be happier as a bitch. But then I snap back to reality and realize- no, it�s just not in me. I�ve tried- people laugh. Anyhoo woe is me� Now on to concerts� I normally after a concert like I went to yesterday would have plenty of people- hating shit to vent. I mean they�re not only people, but a lot of people. And people, in masses are loud and even more stupid! I warn you- never give me a gun permit. But yesterday I learned something that made the day enjoyable- if you can�t beat em, join em (again, with the clich�s) and I started drinking. And I suddenly felt a kinship to these idiots that I would normally spend the day quietly blaming for everything that went the least bit wrong. I still don�t understand the people that get so drunk in the parking lot before the show that they don�t actually see it. I consider that an insult to the artist. It angers me. But I must say- getting my little buzz on made me even enjoy Everclear! I also don�t like having a constant second hand buzz, however I�m not going to be mad about that. That�s just part of being at a concert. If it bothers you that much- don�t go. Not a good venting night- I�m sick. And I have no energy to be angry. The world got lucky today! |
| 4/16/01 I�m writing because I want to. I want to have something profound to say, something that I just have to get across to everyone, because their lives will be made more complete by my words. They will be overcome by an overwhelming sense of clarity. But that�s not going to happen so, instead, I�m writing in hopes of my own overwhelming clarity. I�m confused about life in general. I�m walking around in a cloud- love, work, love, school, love� I keep on with the love because it�s the worst. School and work can be dealt with. Love, however is non-existent. I wonder, can I not fall for him or can I not fall? I�d prefer the former as opposed to the latter. I suppose it could be neither It may just be the wrong time. If now isn�t the right time, when is? In a class earlier today we were instructed to remember a time we were truly happy. Graduation or getting a new job was suggested. I, instead thought of what I believe was the one night I was most in love: the happiest I�ve ever been. I think about how I feel about him now-that person I was so giddy-in love with. I wonder quite often if I�m not still, on some level, in love with him or maybe just in love with the idea of love itself. Most likely the idea. But why, then am I not developing feelings for this new prospect? I believe I just answered my own question. He isn�t �the one�. I�m sure I knew that all along- just hoped otherwise. To use my gender's most used excuse- I just want to be friends. I suppose now I must inform the guy of this. Ahh woe is me |
| 7/17/03 My mom says I won�t have kids cause I can�t stand men long enough to make them. I know she�s only joking- but she wouldn�t say it if it weren�t based on truth, Hers, her opinion. But she�s only partially right. I can stand men at least long enough to make them. I actually kind of like them- sometimes. Now, who's to say if I�d keep them around long enough for them to help me name the kid. And as I�ve told her countless times- I can�t do it alone. It still takes 2 to tango. Plus, I think I�ve been changing a lot lately; my views on things have evolved a little. And a lot of it is self confidence- I actually have some, not much, but some is better than none. So now instead of thinking �why would anyone want me�, I think � why the hell doesn�t anyone want me?� which leads to frustration, which makes me angry at the Y chromosome, which leads to what looks to everyone else as my bitter hatred of men. Yes there�s bitterness, but I�m trying to suppress that! How can I love men so and still want to cut off every penis on the planet? The saddest part is that all I want is to have one frustrate me for the rest of my life. I have to admit that part of me enjoys other people living vicariously through me. I seem to be the only single person I know and people enjoy hearing my �stories�. But I really enjoy hearing theirs too. Only it seems I like it because I envy them, they like it cause they�re happy they don�t have to deal with it anymore. We all want what we can�t/don�t have. Don�t you hate that so many clich�s are true? |
| 7/23/03 So, here�s the deal- I�m going to start playing the lottery. Why? Well not just cause I want to be rich or even to pay off my bills. Oh I do, but I don�t need rich, just comfy. But I�m getting off track. I want to win the lottery so I can pay someone to think and do for me. I will keep my personality and decide most of the important stuff. I want someone to tell me that I can�t do this or that causeI�ll make an ass of myself. I also need someone to keep me from spending money, I don�t have it, but that doesn�t seem to stop me from spending it. So, I�m gonna start this lottery thing this week; buy at least 1 ticket/week. I�d better win fast though because I�ll need to pay someone to remind me to buy them. I suck these days. I don�t hate my life, but I can�t say that I like it either and I seem to care the very minimal amount. Not caring and laziness seem to directly affect each other. But I don�t know which is the cause of the other. Do I not care because I�m lazy or is it easier to be lazy because I don�t care? I watched both Big Brother and The Real World tonight. How great would that be? Imagine 3 or 6 months that somebody else has to pay your bills (evil laugh), and you can completely get away from your life. Imagine what you could learn about yourself. I�ve always said that I�d never leave here, it�s my home, and I don�t want to leave. But I�m at a point now that I would. Not far- mo more than like an hour away, just something completely new and different. I�d also love to be able to afford to do it alone. Just me. But that ain�t happening. Well, not until I get my woes published and the world can see that I�m great and therefore make me a best seller. For that I need patience and anyone who knows me is cracking up right now. Ooh oooh ooh, to be completely unrealistic� I can meet a knight in shining armor who will whole heartedly fund my local movie theater/ music store and we�ll hire managers and accountants so I can be part-time business owner/part-time stay-at-home-mom. There we go- sounds like the answer to me. Aaaah that weight�s been lifted. Reapplied to a more painful part of my shoulders, but lifted. |
| 8/20/03 Blah Blah Blah. That�s all I can really say. There�s nothing new in my life that�s new. I want, I need, I get over it. Same old shit. Do you ever think all the horrible things that happen in this world are a countdown to the apocalypse? Sometimes I wonder. But it really could get so much worse. And I�m sure it will, in some levels. In reality, the only thing that makes us worse than our forefathers is technology. I don�t think humanity has worsened. It has changed, if anything, for the better. But in our quest for knowledge and self-improvement, our strategies have evolved and weapons have improved. I think we are all basically the same as we�ve always been. Some good, some bad, all complex. That�s me being insightful for the evening- I�m Spent. 8/24/03 You can really hate aspects of your life, but there�s comfort in knowing you can change them- something can be done. It gets discouraging when there isn�t a lot you can do, or when you desperately feel you need immediate results and in fact, there is no result in sight. I don�t want to be here anymore. Living here breaks my spirit. 8/26/03 May I please just quit? I�m tired; physically, emotionally, mentally and professionally exhausted. I want to start over. A wise woman (meaning me) once said, �I want to make my future better than my present, before it becomes my past� and right now- anything would help. 9/7/03 It�s hard- life; more specifically, love. It�s just one aspect of many, but important. We�re put on this earth to procreate, that part, if nothing else we know for sure. And I strongly believe that we were meant to do that in love. There�s a flaw in the system however, and it happens out of love way too often. So, in a way love at least should be the basis of life. That puts a kind of unspoken pressure on humanity to find true love. I do believe it is quite simple to fall in love. What�s not so easy? Finding someone worthy of that love. Then, personally I have to mix in different characteristics of my personality that make the entire thing more difficult. For example, fear- I am deathly afraid of rejection, exposure, vulnerability and even intimacy, though I crave it deeply. I experienced a little intimacy recently and it scared me shitless. Partially because I didn�t know what the other party was feeling. Mostly however, I was just afraid of it. Ulterior motives are always a possibility and my history prevents me from taking risks. There aren�t enough pros in that history to make me want to risk the cons that have been so frequent. Existence hurts Numb would feel nice 10/29/03 Ice cream. Ice cream could heal the world. If there had been Edy�s Dreamery New York Style Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream during WWII, Hitler would�ve shared a bowl with Anne Frank. I seem to have been enlightened. Who knew that the world wasn't all that horrible?! Life really is what you make of it. Goals, and dreams fill you with an awesome sense of purpose. I've also recently realized what a terrific support system I have. Could my friends and family be more perfect!? This is beginning to sound fake. It's not though, I'm just deeply content. |
| 11/22/03 What goes around comes around I�m becoming a strong believer in karma, no not the record store. You really do get back the energy you put out into the universe. It�s amazing�sometimes it can take your entire life to get what�s coming to you or you can see things evolve in a matter of minutes. Watch for it. I almost feel for some of the people whose paths I�ve crossed in life, but then again, it is what�s coming to them. I�m not saying everything that happens to everyone is karmically related. But put out positive energy and positive energy you will receive. Karmically, I�m not too worried. I�m not Ms. Optimist, but I mean no harm to myself or anyone else. I know whatever bad happens in my life is not because of some choice I�ve made in the past, but some learning experience. And eventually I will be thankful. Hardly refreshing while in pain, but thankful eventually. Knowing all this also serves as a warning system. It�s easier to tell who you want in your life. Don�t surround yourself with negative people. I believe that if you spend enough time with a person, the stronger personality�s karma is contagious. I am not the stronger personality in most any relationship and knowing that, I need to watch out for negative people. Negativity is a pattern too easy to get into and way too hard to get out of. Patterns are comfort and change is defiantly not. Most humans are afraid to leave their comfort zone and the ones who aren�t are running from something. So many lives are fueled solely on fear. |
| 2/17/04 Was life easier when everyone was repressed? I�m not saying I want to live in a world where one person can �own� another or you must live in fear or live a miserable lie as to who you really are. But it is something to ponder. We will never know. That�s the entire point, everyone was repressed- nobody shared! We don�t know exactly how unbearable life was. We simply have tiny glints and glances from a few rebels. This all ties in to my theory that mankind has not changed. It�s evolution. Not quite Darwin�s theory- my jury�s still out on that one. The repressed peoples are freer so in turn some other people must be made to suffer. Life is a delicate mix of bliss and sadness, freedom and repression, right and wrong. In some ways humanity improves and in others it worsens. There is a plan. Do your job, live your life and do not judge- you have no idea. |
| 3/14/04 I�ve realized why I am single and have been for so long. I�m a friggin neurotic! And it all ties in. I�m in constant need of reassurance. I frighten people away. If someone isn�t over actively pursuing me, which doesn�t happen, I am not assured and I freak out. I analyze everything- what I say, what he says and I assume things, normally things that have negative affects on me. This, in turn, freaks him out. I can�t just let things happen naturally because I�ve got to protect myself. Every �relationship� for me has ended. That in itself is not a bad thing. The ones that have ended badly have scarred me though. ; As well as the fact that all of them, good or bad and for whatever reason have been few and far between. This is another reason I HAVE to know exactly where things are going. If it�s gonna end badly, I wanna know so I can leave the wall up and I don�t get hurt. I am a mess� How do I stop this? Is this really as simple as a fear of rejection? Is that the basic underlying problem? Bottom line I hate that I need constant reassurance and if I don�t get it, I do everything in my power to scare them off� DAMN ME |
| 6/21/04 So I haven�t written anything in so long. A lot�s been going on. Pregnancy changes things. I know, I know, just wait till the kid is born. There�s no way I can fully prepare. I�ll try but I know I need NO more stress. So come what may. Money is definitely one of the devil�s creations. Honestly what true good comes from money? It really is the root of all evil. Let�s all go back to bartering and sharing or something. No, I�m sure life wasn�t all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, but simplicity had to be easier. It is simpler. I�m bitching when I know I could have kept it all from becoming this bad. This baby happened for a reason. Most of it I probably won�t know for a while and some of it I may never know. But the rest I saw almost immediately. It happened so I�ll get my shit together. To teach me the self-control I lack on many levels. One thing it didn�t improve and quite possible worsened is bitterness towards men. They aren�t all assholes- oh yeah? Prove it. Show me one that truly believes in compromise for the good of the whole���������������I�m waiting and have waited and will continue to wait. Why? Because deep down inside this bitter hag still dwells the romantic that believes that there is someone for everyone. And still dreams of her wedding day. Believe me if I could do it alone, it�d done be did. Ahhh that felt good. �And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.� |