| March 9, 2003 Just came from watching "girl, interrupted" for the tenth time. I don't know what it is about that movie that I like so much. Even though it seems like a rip off of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" I continue watching and enjoying it. Actually I have only probably seen it in its entirety two or three times max. Brittany Murphy sure looks different now. Its odd, she dropped some weight and became blond and suddenly got the starring roles of her movies. How Hollywood. Sunday is and has always been my least favorite day of the week. I just have no use for Sunday, and whereas I used to hate Mondays since the entire week stretched out before me they have become better in comparison to the bleakness that is Sunday. I will never forget the time I babsat for the really rich people down in old towm. Its been a little over a year, and I am not even positive where they live yet since I've been babysitting in that neighborhood lately I just happened to look for their house and I couldn't believe that the scary old man was sitting on the porch staring back at me when I located the house. It seems like just yesterday I was over there, awkward and miserable, standing in the corner while they freaked me out by their presence. That was an unhappy experience and I can't do it justice by trying to recount it here. The point is that they treated me like I was a hobo from off of the street and they seemed to fear that I would steal from them yet they trusted me with their children who I bet they left with babysitters all the time. Some people shouldn't have kids, why is that so hard a concept? It always comes back to overpopulation with me, I don't know why. Not that I'm lobbying for a disaster or mass death or something I just realize how many problems stem from the fact that there are just too many people in existence right now. These frat guys that come to town for Spring Break get stupider every year. They are drunk, loud and obnoxious. I remember when I was down here in junior high I thought they seemed so cool. Now they seem like..imbiciles. Enough complaining for today. On to a lighter topic. I wonder when Saint Patricks day is. I like that day even though I have no concept of its true meaning and never "celebrate" the holiday. How can you not appreciate a day that everyone dresses in green? Something interesting occured to me a couple of days ago. I noticed a blatant link between my yearning for childhood and the dream I had with the broken childrens swings. In the same jounral entry I related my dream, which included a journey with broken swings as stepping stones of sorts, and the fact that I didn't want to grow up. I think that is interesting that I didn't catch the connection while writing it. That is precisely why I knew this would be a good idea! Oprah was right! Writing is good. Clearly the dream was a reflection of my mixed emotions of growth blah blah blah. Its all a journey (cliche of course) and I was dealing with the fragility of childhood while plowing into the future...trying to be careful not to fall from the swing (or lose my memories?) yet still intent on going forward. I suppose the challenge of the dream (to identify the falsely represented food on my plate) was an illustration of the fact that life is not fair; although I identified the right item I was not given the credit. This is odd to mention but I feel that it is an interesting breakthrough. All my life people have been giving me a hard time for not being more social, and all my life I have been somewhat apolegetic about it, or at least felt the need to explain myself. Those days are history for I have realized that it is hardly a crime to be (kind of) introverted. I am not anti-social (and if I was who cares?) but I am certainly not a social butterfly and I'm really tired of feeling bad about that. My theory is this: most people don't actually care for their "friends." Sure they like you when its conveniant for them but in reality won't be there for you when you need them. They are also more than ready to walk all over you for their own benefit. This is not a pessimistic view, how is that a tragic thing? People are (I think) mostly selfish beings, we do things if and only if we in some way benefit from them. The common argument is: what about charity? raising kids? volunteer work? Well what I say to that is this: people do get things out of those things. Charity or volunteer work may not give you any monetary gain but it makes you feel like a better person. Like an UNSELFISH person. Yet the very act is so fulfilling that it does benefit you. Likewise with raising children etc. Anyways back to the friend thing. Although I don't think it is bad that "friends" are not truly there for you (I'm talking about the common use of the word friend which I'll explain in a minute) I don't really want a part in it. I don't like the instability of it and would prefer to minimize the hurt feeling factor by avoiding superficial friendships alltogether. Why is that so wrong? It is not hurting anyone. The few people I talk to are people that I find truly interesting and that I trust are truly there for me. If such people exist I find no reason to every lower ones standards. That brings me to the word "friend." According to my dandy PAL Webster, a friend is "a person whom one knows well and is fond of; intimate associate. A person on the same side of a stuggle; ally. A supporter or sympathizer." Okay I must admit that ol' Webster also had this to say, "applied loosely to any associate or aquaintance." It is the latter that I have trouble with. You can't have it both ways. A friend can not go from someone you are on intimate terms with to any joe on the street. Make up your mind! Choose a definition and stick with it, but stop the madness and confusion you cause by using it for each extreme. Next we'll be referring to our enemies as our friends. Seriously. Actually there are already people who do that..the same lugs that refer to people who they have said "how do you do" to before as their friends. Seriously, I get myself into a lot of trouble in these conversations because I'll say I don't believe in friendship when really I am referring to friendship as 90% of people define it. I am in no way saying I don't believe in MY friendships. I just can't bring myself to have faith for those so-called friends that just want you when there is nobody better around or when they're REALLY bored. Yay! Thanks for thinking of me! Now isn't that more pathetic then opting to spend your time alone? Hey! This is great. Many a breakthrough on this little online journal I've started. Theories are hatching right and left, I may be on to something great with this...not really, millions of people right their thoughts down I've just never been one of them until now. I think my favorite part of it is I can make my argument, feel like I got the last word, kid myself into thinking I "won," when nobody even heard me in the first place! Gives me a sense of "closure" although nothings been closed save my annoyance on the topic. Closure. What an annoying word. Lets ask Webster what he has to say about it. CLosure- an overused term stemmed from graduate students studying pyschology. Thought to be the conclusion of an event or emotion. Not really, of course. Actually the closest definition I can find is "the parliamentary procedure by which debate is closed and the measure under discussion brought up for an immediate vote." That actually brings some class to the word, don't you think. Glad we've closed that topic. Last night I was riding my bike at midnight. It was about seventy five degrees, peaceful night..I took a turn and found myself in the graveyard. Didn't mean to. I always forget that it is in the dead center of this island. Anyway I wonder if it would be really odd to take some pictures of it. It is very interesting as the graves are actually "sepulchers" which are above ground tombs. Thats the funny thing about an island: you can't actually bury the bodies in the ground. Supposedly years ago people DID bury thier loved ones underground only to have a flood and find the bodies dangled in the treetops. Now THAT would have been a kodak moment! Back Until next time..when I unleash my thoughts on death and funerals! |