Nov. 16, 1993
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
I'm so confused!!
I remember I was eating cake and ice cream that day. The cake was so moist, the kind that melts in your
hands, not in your mouth. The ice cream was imported from Italy, the best kind there is...or I think it was from Italy...or I think it was ice cream
because it was from Vinny who said, "Hey, yo! Get your freakin' frozen milk with sugar here!" When the cake and ice cream combined in my
mouth, it tasted so good that I think I almost heard a dozen angels singing triumphantly...or a dozen Hell's Angels burping? It was hard to explain.
I still don't know why I was eating cake and ice cream. I know it was for a special occasion...I think it was my wife's birthday, but I wasn't really sure. I was
trying to think hard, but this moron interrupted my concentration by making a toast for my wife. I lost my train of thought so I never found out why we're
celebrating. My wife seemed to be upset at me...I don't know why because everybody was having a great time. Maybe because she seemed to aged more
as another wrinkle popped out of her face or liver spots were roaming all over her body...it was so hard to tell.
Then it hit me...I think it was her new sauce pan, but after it cracked on my head, it was more like a bed pan now. I knew in my heart that she didn't do it
intentionally, but after her tenth swipe, the crowd was kinda suspicious. Then I was right all along! It was her birthday, but how could I have forgotten when
it was marked on my Playboy calendar after all this time. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention, but it was understandable - why should I even care if there was
an "X" marked on some stupid date on the calendar when Miss December was staring at me while wearing a "Santa's Li'l Helper" outfit. There was nothing little
about her, though.
We had a fight, my wife and I, but I didn't know for what reason. Sure, I forgot her birthday, and sure, I forgot to give her the gift she always wanted..it was
a membership to Mr. Tubby's "Lose 50 pounds in One Week Without Losing the Fat," but I just didn't have the guts to remind her that she was a year older
which was basically just another nail in her coffin.
This year will be very special on her birthday...because she warned me that if I mess it up, I will be screwed and will cost me dearly. That's why I'm planning
on giving her the most romantic gift ever, the one she will never forget, a gift that comes from the heart and with good intentions, and something that will
make her appreciate my love for her. I'm planning on taking her to the 49ers vs Bengals game on Dec. 5th if you have two tickets to spare. Do you think it will
be more romantic if I take my buddy with us to the game? Because he can cut the cheese with the best of them and very melodic, too! Imagine, instead of
going to a fancy restaurant with a violinist playing for us on her birthday, we will enjoy a football game while my buddy plays "Start Me Up" with his fanny
while my wife and I eat our hotdogs and drink beer. I know, I know, I'm a hopeless romantic, but it's a gift that not everybody have.
IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES...I'm still so confused. It is the same feeling like the dream I had once. I dreamt that I was
driving this expensive exotic convertible, but I was bald. Sure, I'm driving a great car and my hair didn't get messy, but should I be happy?
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