Aug. 25, 1995
TODAY AT OPRAH...
"Men who couldn't care less about about anything once football season starts and the women who love them"
OPRAH: Today, we are going to talk to men, who are the lowest life form on earth, and the women who want them to stop
breathing. Let's listen to them, shall we?
WIFE#1: When we first met, he was different. He would buy things for the house that I like such as pink drapes, linens with
flower patterns, and kitchen stuff with duckies on them. Since football season started, he said he wanted to ge the best home
entertainment center he could find, and I had no problem with that. At first, he bought a big TV screen which is great, then he
got a recliner which is OK, too, although it didn't match the color of our drapes. But now, he bought a big fridge and a "Port-O-Let"
and put the recliner in between them. It ruined the living room since the fridge clashes with the carpet. When he uses the "Port-O-Let,"
the living room stinks that they should declare "Spare The Air Day!"
JERK#1: Oprah, I did it all for her! I don't need to ask her to get me a beer anymore when I run out because the fridge is now
next to me. And the "Port-O-Let," I just don't want to miss any plays because it could be the next "The Catch" or "Immaculate Reception."
The only drawback is I don't have a place for a small table to put my remote control on.
OPRAH: Men have only one thing in their minds because they can't count past one so what's going on with this next couple?
WIFE#2: One day he was watching football and kept ignoring me. (sob) So I put on my sexiest lingerie and paraded in front of the TV.
He told me to stop strutting because I'm ruining the reception and told me to adjust the antenna instead. I can't believe
he'd rather watch big muscular sweaty men wearing tight pants piling on top of each other instead of looking at me.(sob again)
DIRT#2: It was the last two minutes of the game between the powerhouse Bengals and the Buccaneers. It was a very critical game
...what can I say?
OPRAH: All men should be castrated...so what's troubling this couple?
WIFE#3: I made the mistake of marrying him because of pure physical attraction and now I'm regretting it. All he does is watch
football all day on Sundays. He's worthless and has a brain of a toe jam. Even when he rests his brain for a day when he's watching football, he
still can't keep up with me intellectually. I use my brain seven days a week, and his brain is still moving in slow-motion...kinda like mine
is in the Easten Time Zone while he's way behind in California time.
SCUM#3: I'm just not college material, Oprah. They only have hard classes like Arithmetic and Reading. She wants me to be like her,
but I just can't.! I don't know why she takes classes like Geometry and Political Science anyway?! First of all, Geo Metros are so ugly and she
drives a Honda! What's up with that?!! Third of all, uh, wait, uh, one ,two, three...I mean second of all, Politics and Science just don't mix
just like Subtraction and Addiction...see, I know Math! Political Science...they just study how many atoms are in Dan Quayle's brain which
is zero anyway. Hey, I can take this class after all!
OPRAH: How about this last couple? I know men are all pigs, but let's find out their problem anyway.
EGGY: Hey, wait a minute! I am the victim here, the husband! When I married her, she didn't know football. Now, she's addicted to
it! I used to be able to go to my buddies' to watch football., but now she always tag along (sob). I mean...when she and her friends
go to the restroom at the same time and spend 20 minutes for some unknown reason, I don't tag along because I know it is a "female bonding"
thing. When we are watching football at my buddies', she drinks beer with them, high fives, scream obscenities, and belches loudly. She even
played a cruel trick on me once. She told me she was pregnant so I got very excited then it turned out that she was only developing a "beer gut."
What tipped it off is that after dinner she always unbutton the top button of her pants so her gut can breathe air. That's what I do all the time!
When I first met her, she was like a blossoming flower. Look at her now! She looks exactly just like me...a bum...except I probably look better
in her dresses.
WIFE#4: Oprah, I can't help it! (burp) Excuse me. Whew! That's one nasty brew I drank during breakfast. Anyway, I just like the violence,
speed, athleticism, and the thrill of it all! I especially love the 49ers because they are an awesome team! Anyway, Oprah, would you
happen to have a pair of tickets to the game against the New England Patriots on Sept. 17th? I want to see the real game instead of watching
the game on TV with my husband's puny friends. I can out-belch them all even with less than a can of beer! Men are all sissies!!
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