Nov. 3, 1995
The Evolution of the Male Species
SPECIES: Male
SCIENTIFIC NAME: allmeni arepigus
HEIGHT: always 3 inches shorter from what is in their driver's license
WEIGHT: varies and depended upon the cases of beer they drank last night
LIFE EXPECTANCY: dies on the first sign of hair loss or rejection from the female persuasion
WAYS OF COMMUNICATION: grunts, howls, whistles, belches, drools, ogles, gas emission, snores
DIETARY SUPPLEMENT: anything with grease, sugar, and/or alcohol
COAT: clothes are bought at K-Mart (Bluelight Special) and no color coordination. If has some form of color coordination, male
is probably married because she picks out the clothes or he could be...hmm
SURVIVAL DEPENDENCY: remote control, sports page, singles bar, girlie magazines, fastfood restaurants, Lysol
MENTAL DISOREDER: never asks for directions when lost especially when accompanied by a female, forgets to put toothpaste cap,
incapable of putting toilet seat down, mixes whites with colored clothes when doing the laundry, hates going to the mall with wife or
girlfriend unless it's at Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood, unable to put a new roll of toilet paper.
The Evolution Chart
TIME: Dinosaur Era
DESCRIPTION: (Raiders) Can't stand upright; leaves a slimy residue when walking; counting past three is a mental challenge.
FACTS: There are still some on the loose. Can be identified easily by their tattoos and body-piercings. If suspected somebody as
a Raider, challenge him to spell the word "cat." If male looks puzzled, scared then runs away, call SPCA immediately.
Time: Caveman Era
DESCRIPTION: (Cowboys) Toothless, balding, and overweight; has a stenchy smell from miles away; only has one pair of underwear;
drinks water through their noses.
FACTS: Scientists thought they were extinct, but suddenly popped out four years ago. They are currently growing in number because of a
genetic disorder called "Bandwagonitis." If suspected somebody as a Cowboy, offer him a piece of gum. If you notice him having trouble
breathing and chewing gum at the same time, please call an exterminator as soon as possible.
TIME: Modern Era
DESCRIPTION: (49ers) Well-groomed; has all his appendages; can recite the alphabet without sweating; a female magnet; can walk with his two feet.
FACTS: Can read and write; able to consume food by using utensils. If suspected somebody as a 49er, bow before him, shake his hand, give him money and offer
any assistance when needed, but he doesn't need it because he's close to being perfect.
The next congregation of the perfect males (49ers) will be on Dec. 3rd at 3Com Park against another life form that never seems to die, the
Buffalo Bills. If you have two extra tickets to spare, please call Ron Clemente for he is worthy of being part of the higher evolutuon of males.
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