Aug. 20, 1996
A Woman's Guide On How To Deal With Your Significant Victim (I mean "Other") During Football Season
TIP #1: During a game, never talk to him whenever it's "third down and whatever"
He thinks that he is responsible for the outcome of the game so he needs full concentration and shouldn't be interrupted. It doesn't matter
if it's two winless teams playing on the 16th week because for him, every third down is critical and might decide on who will go to the Superbowl.
A typical reaction after a third down play is "You stupid jerk," "What the hell are you doing?," or "You son of a ! There goes my hair
transplant money!" (The rated PG versions) It is best to humor him to boost his ego. It makes him feel good because he thinks that
if he wasn't short and didn't have a beer belly then he could've been a great football player. A good way to rate your man is to pressure him to
answer the question of all questions during a game, "Do you love me?" If his response is:
a) "I never experience love until I met you. I feel like the luckiest man in the world."
You're looking at a future CEO of a major company. Hold on to him not because he is sensitive, but because he probably owns a million shares of stock.
Do not sign any pre-nuptial agreement. It is too much to ask of him to look at you when he's watching the game so if he can have one eye on the TV and
the other eye on you then he earns bonus points. But be very careful because his response can also indicate that he is a lawyer...think about it!
b) "Hon, you know that I'm always crazy about you."
He's not exactly a rocket scientist, but he has potential. To bring out the best in him, try a follow-up question like, "I'm going to the mall. Can I borrow your
credit card?" If he replies, "Go head, it's in my wallet." DO NOT HESITATE! Just do it, and take fifty bucks while you're at it. Check for suspicious phone
numbers so you will have a good excuse to over-charge his Visa. Just say, "I spent all that money to teach you a valuable lesson. I thought Betty Ford Clinic
was a girl you're seeing behind my back. I'm so sorry."
c) "How many times do you need to ask me that stupid question?"
Loser alert! Loser alert! He is probably a Raider fan so be extra careful. If he also happens to be a Postal worker then you must have your nearest mental institution's
emergency hotline just in case. They usually "lose it" while watching shows like Jeopardy or when muppets are not involved. If he starts saying things like "
I can recite the alphabet" or "I can count to ten" then leave the premises immediately and notify the proper authorities.
d) "Later, babe! Can you be a doll and get me some more brewskies?"
Your whole life should be flashing right before your eyes at this moment because you will be stuck with him for the rest of your life, and worst, he's a Cowboy fan. Relax. There's
still a way to get out of it...there is still hope! It's like the same feeling when you told him you're going to a Tupperware Party, but you went to a club with your friends instead. When
you came back home, you noticed that the "glow in the dark" stamp from the club is still on your hand. You start hyperventilating so you rushed to the bathroom to get rid of it. You
tried every cleaning solution, but it wouldn't come off. You're so desperate so you went to the garage and used the electric sander instead. It was painful, but that situation called for
desperate measures. Well, it's the same thing here if you want to get rid of him. It will take a lot of effort, but with proper usage of a crow bar, a jar mayonnaise, and a Roach Motel pest
strip, it can be done! If it still doesn't work, try mentioning the words "in-laws" and "moving in"in one sentence. If he still doesn't get it then you're stuck with him forever
so might as well call Dr. Kevorkian now.
e) He turns off the TV, takes you to the bedroom, and "you know what"
You hit the jackpot, baby! For sure, he is a 49er fan- the stuff dreams are made of! Try slapping your face a couple of times to make sure you are really awake. If you are, "Hallelujah!"
TIP #2: Know the routine
If you have knowledge of what goes on in a typical male's everyday life then you'll have a better understanding that males are really complex, in a moronic sort of way. You also just realized that
you should've just gotten a cat instead...at least they can be neutered and potty-trained.
In a typical "non-football" day, this is his routine: wakes up; scratches himself; changes clothes; goes to work; pretends to work; goes home; eats dinner; takes a shower (optional); goes to bed;
shares with you under the blanket the burrito he had for lunch; scratches himself; and then starts snoring.
During Football Sundays, this is his routine: wakes up; scratches himself; goes to kitchen for beer; looks for remote control; goes back to bed; turns on TV and watches (the local team's pre-game show,
then the network's pre-game show, the morning game, the afternoon game, ESPN's NFL Primetime, the Sunday night game, Sports Center, and watches the late night news for more highlights); shares with you
under the blanket the Nacho cheese and bean dip he had the whole day; scratches himself; and then starts snoring. (This part was done through extensive research and not from personal experience.) It has been
researched that if everyday is "Football Sunday," the average male only needs his Pajamas and a pair of underwear (which will just reduce his underwear count by half) because they can stay in bed all day.
TIP #3: Adapt to the season
What a summer it was! A walk on the beach; a romantic picnic on the park; holding hands and sharing tears while watching Oprah; and spending precious moments in the mall searching for that perfect pair of shoes.
But now he is starting to change. As soon as football season started, he lost the concept of emotional support and personal hygiene. You'd be so lucky if he even brings a tub of Hagen Daaz home after work like he used
to. The man you thought was sensitive has turned into a heartless piece of sponge. He now makes Marge Schott look like Mother Theresa. But don't worry and be patient because he will eventually change again around
February. He'll be excited to see you again just like a dog is excited to see a fire hydrant.
These are just a few tips you will receive when you order a copy of "A Woman's Guide On How To Deal With Your Significant Victim (I mean "Other") During Football Season." If you call now, as a bonus, you will
also receive a free copy of "Good Thing It Only Happens Once A Month Or There Will Be No Survivors." You will receive both award-winning books if you sell me "a pair of tickets to the 49ers vs. Saints game"
on Sept. 1st.
Call x 5324 now!!! Operators are standing by! We accept all of HIS credit cards! Buy! Buy! Buy! Spend! Spend! Spend!
This page hosted by 
Get your own Free Home Page